No Verity Gay

Well, now, this is disappointing. And, believe me, that’s hard for me to say when you’ve got two hot ladies kissing front and center. But, alas, context. Always, always context. Because under normal gay circumstances I would LOVE to see Anne Hathaway and Dakota Johnson kiss on screen because, duh, I have eyes and am a lesbian. But, tricksy tricksy context.

You see, despite initial reports, Anna Hathaway and Dakota Johnson’s characters aren’t really kissing in the new trailer for “Verity.” Look closely. No, you see, they’re Sapphic Psychosis Smoochin. You know the kind. Where a gal starts kissing one person and pulls back only to realize, IT’S A GIRL. Or, maybe it’s not even a girl – it’s just their overactive psychotic imagination. Possibly murderous, too. Don’t forget that.

We have, certainly, seen this before. Sabrina Carpenter and Jenna Ortega (and tempting poor Jane Wickline) in “Taste.” Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis (and possibly Evil Natalie Portman) going at it in “Black Swan.” It’s the old fake-out. Just another niche version of the Very Special Lesbian Kiss Episode of Sweeps Weeks of yore.

And, again, while normally an Anne and Dakota smooch would be, you know, not a bad thing, the bad thing is that it is likely solely for the oh-lalas and not any real plot and or queerness. How do I know? Well, because “Verity” is based on the book by Colleen Hoover and a little research tells me there are no queer storylines in her book, nor any smooching between the two women in question. So they added it to the movie to, you know, spice things up. But, safely, without any real gay stuff.

It should be noted that Hoover’s work was behind “It Ends With Us,” a.k.a. The Most Disastrously Marketed Movie of the 2020s that has resulted in me disliking everyone involved more (minus perhaps Jenny Slate).

Annie Hathaway, come on – can you give us something truly sapphic sometime soon? Sure, there was “Eileen,” which was kind of gayish (but mostly sad), and there is “Mother Mary,” which is in limited release but [SPOILERS] Anne and Michaela Coel don’t ever kiss or define their past “relationship.” The sapphics would appreciate a real queer moment from you. And, no, being in “Brokeback Mountain” doesn’t count – at least not for us. (Same for those devilish Prada movies...)

Movie Review: Am I Okay?

The movie where Dakota Johnson kisses a girl is okay. It’s not great, it’s not terrible. “Am I Okay?” is okay. It’s okay because it is yet another coming out story in the year of our Lesbian Jesus 2024. It’s okay because it’s about 30something ennui and millennial angst. It’s okay because wife team Tig Notaro and Stephanie Allynne do a capable job of directing their first movie together. It is all deeply and unremarkably okay. It breaks no new ground unless, again, you were waiting with bated breath for Dakota to kiss a lady on screen in which case – mazel tov to you.

Honestly, the movie would have been better if instead of discovering her latent homosexuality, Dakota’s character was rediscovering the dating scene after a long same-sex relationship. Like, maybe she stayed with her first girlfriend into her 30s, and now has to start over. Please, someone make that movie. Yes, I realize I might have some selfish motivation in this but come on you’d watch that.

My only other thoughts on this movie is the self-improvement montage at the end (MILD SPOILERS – where Dakota’s character quits her job, begins painting again and becomes an old hand at the dating apps – ) seems ridiculously sped up. Less than three weeks to turn yourself into a lesbian dating machine? Yeah, okay, sure. Good luck with that.

Is This OK?

The Pre-Gaming of Pride continues unabated! So, has anyone seen “Am I OK?” Because I dig the whole co-directed by wives Tig Notaro and Stephanie Allynne thing. And I guess I can buy Dakota Johnson as questioning 30-something possibly queer/definitely in an existential crisis gal. Yes, I know, it’s another coming out story. So, you know, the bar is high to not be – again – just another mediocre coming out story. Anyone catch this when it was on the festival circuit. For real, is this movie any good because it’s debuting on Max the first week of Pride and it would be homophobic not to be (kidding, sorta!)