My Weekend Crush

Look, I don’t know if I’m going to watch “Thunderbolts” because I have major Marvel fatigue. To be honest, I have generalized franchise fatigue, which isn’t great in an entertainment world where milking IP for every last possible penny is the name of the game. So while I will likely at some point eventually see “Thunderbolts” (aka The Suicide Squad but for Marvel not DC), the only real selling point for me is Florence Pugh. Well, Florence Pugh and Julia Louis Dreyfus (in essentially the Viola Davis role from The Suicide Squad). But back to Flo, who I think – besides probably Kathryn Hahn and Cate Blanchett – is the most wished for lesbian who is not a lesbian in cinema. I don’t know why it feels like such a cosmic injustice that Florence isn’t queer. Something about the no bullshit way she comports herself, and her confidence, always makes me feel like she should be family. That and the variations on alternative lifestyle haircuts (what, we’re all deeply shallow). And, uh, that septum piercing. Anyway, as I was saying, if anything makes me watch “Thunderbolts” it will be Flo kicking ass. And while the actress seemingly remains straight in real life, perhaps we have some hope for Yelena Belova? If Harley Quinn can do it, why not Yelena? Just saying. Happy weekend, all.

Oscars SGALGG & GGALGG

How about them Oscars? I thought they were…fine. Truly, really fine. There were some nice moments. I enjoyed the past winners introducing each of the acting nominees. I liked Ken. I love love LOVED seeing Jodie Foster and her wife Alexandra Hedison attending their first Oscars together. But first, we start with the Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gays, per ritual.

Annette Bening, Emma Stone & Lily Gladstone

Best Actress Cuddle Puddle

Regina King & Danielle Brooks

Shooting your shot on the red carpet.

Jamie Lee Curtis & Lupita Nyong'o

I included this photo because omfg Lupita’s back muscles.

Florence Pugh

I included this photo because omfg Flo’s everything.

Kerry Washington & Sandra Oh

If Kerry wanted to become an international assassin who falls in love/obsession with Sandra, I would watch that – but tell them to stay away from boat decks.

Emma Stone & Jennifer Lawrence & Sally Fields

Emma went May-December on her backstage makeouts.

America Ferrera & Gay Gals

I would watch an alternate universe Barbie where America’s Gloria runs off with Kate McKinnon’s Weird Barbie.

I would also watch an alternate universe Barbie where America was Barbie and Billie Eilish was Ken.

I would watch America, Lena Waithe and Cynthia Erivo read the phone book, among other things.

And the Best Lesbian Oscars Photo Goes To

Jodie and her wife Alexandra and Brandi Carlile & her wife Catherine Shepherd together at the Oscars after parties. Sometimes, it really does get better.

Go With the Flo

Belatedly, this has been my Year of Pugh. I finally saw “Don’t Worry Darlings” and made it all three-plus hours of “Oppenheimer” without having to pee and even did a little “Black Widow” rewatch. And, in all of these projects, Florence was the most dynamic presence on screen. I mean, yeah, the short hair and, um, all the rest helps. But I certainly hope she has a long, varied and interesting as fuck career. Also, thanks Vogue Australia for dressing her in what amounts to a fancy bedsheet on this Hump Day. Yeah, that’s all I got. It can’t all be deep, right?

Look Up, On the Table

Florence Pugh watching Janelle Monáe perform at the Met Gala after-party pic.twitter.com/ZxBrrbiyMc

— Florence Pugh Photos (@pughphotos) May 2, 2023

Sorry, it’s been a hectic week and the day got away from me. As an apology here’s Florence Pugh with a freshly shaved head watching Janelle Monae in a bedazzled bikini sing and dance on a tabletop. Am I forgiven?

Everything Oscars All At Once

I’ll admit, somewhere toward the middle of the more than three-and-a-half affair when the German War Movie was picking up technical award after technical award, I started to worry. But Everything Everywhere was All At Once Oscars. Asian Excellence for the win! And the show went off without a single case of on-stage millionaire-on-millionaire violence. So, uh, progress?

While I thought the telecast was overall a tad dull and none of the bits landed with much more than a sensible chuckle (well, other than when Hugh Grant — who had previously given one of the most intentionally caddish red carpet interviews I’ve ever seen— rightfully compared his face to a scrotum), I was generally pretty pleased with the winners. Michelle Yeoh! Ke Huy Quan! The Daniels! Yes, I was rooting for Angela Bassett to do the thing (or perhaps for Stephanie Hsu to pull off the dark bagel upset). Yes, I’m happy for Brendan Fraser even though “The Whale” ain’t it. And what did I tell you about Sarah Polley? (She also happened to be one of the only notable female stars at the Oscars in a tuxedo, so a grateful Lesbian Nation thanks her for her service.)

Other than that, the blah beige “champagne” carpet set the style tone. Given that I watch this show every year in sweatpants and a hoodie, I really don’t have anything substantive to say other than these folks sure are nice to look at. So here are the rest of my extremely queer observations from Hollywood’s biggest night. The Good, the Gay and the SGALGG from this year’s Academy Awards.

Angela Bassett & Michelle Yeoh

This is the moment that made the AP go Horny on Main.

And, honestly, can you blame them? Because *low whistle*

Cate Blanchett

Cate recycling her luxury hotel curtains to make an elegant drapey top for the Oscars feels like the ultimate admission that she was rooting for Michelle this whole time too.

Stephanie Hsu & Everyone Everywhere All At Once

getting hit on by Florence Pugh

getting armtime with Angela

making the edibles kick in with David Byrne

and finally getting a (loving) talking to from Mother Evelyn

Florence Pugh & Her Bed Sheets

I like Flo a lot. And I too would prefer to show up at formal events in my fitted sheet and shorts with pockets.

You also have to give her bonus points for changing into her duvet for the after party. Extra double bonus points for hitting on Daughter/Stephanie and Mother/Michelle in the same night, too.

Sarah Polley

Honestly, I would wear exactly the same thing if I ever went to the Oscars. So the Relatability Queen wins again.

Jessica Chastain

The only celebrity to wear a mask all evening.

Also, she got to hold hands with Halle Berry and hug Michelle Yeoh so who is the real winner here?

The Female Torso

If the blah carpet’s signature color was bridal white, the Vanity Fair afterparty’s theme was Gray’s Anatomy. Cause you got an anatomy lesson from all the exposed rib cages, upper abs, lower abs and bra-like offerings on display at the after parties.

And now, onto the GGALGG:

Ariane DeBose & someone’s upset husband

Janelle Monae & someone who isn’t Tessa Thompson

Tessa Thompson & Flo & the Duvet Cover

Cara Delevingne & Jamie Lee Curtis

Rebel Wilson & fiancée Ramona Agruma

Sarah Paulson & Queen Latifah

Don’t worry, Dana actually brought Eboni Nichols as her date.

Olivia Wilde, Sarah, Tracee Ellis Ross, Holland Taylor, The Queen

I don’t even know how to describe this other than some kind of Lesbian Moonie Wedding Ceremony.

Sharon Stone, Sarah, Holland, Sienna Miller & Patricia Clarkson

And then this is, obviously, the reception where they’re recruiting for more Queer Sister Wives, duh.

Still, I think the best moment from the whole night was Halle Berry, the first woman of color to ever win a Best Actress Oscar, handing the first Asian woman and second woman of color ever to win her Oscar. That and Michelle, Halle and Jessica walking off like this. Women. I sure do like us.

That's Madam Boss Bitch to You

Well, we all know that “Choose Your Quarantine Fighter” meme by now. (Again, I’m the one who cried in the shower after reading the news.) But some real-life badass quarantine fighting ladies got together to film the ultimate “Boss Bitch Fight Challenge.”

I suggest you go ahead and watch if you haven’t already before reading the rest. But if you don’t mind getting spoiled, get ready to see stuntwoman and actress Zoe Bell fight it out (while maintaining proper social distance) with many of her talented and famous – and might I add fierce – female friends.

Fighting it out are professional stuntwomen and some very famous actresses. They go, in order: Zoe Bell, Lucy Lawless, stuntwoman Tara Macken, Drew Barrymore, Juliette Lewis, stuntwoman Tamiko Brownlee, Rosario Dawson, stuntwoman Amy Johnston, Cameron Diaz, stuntwoman Kim Murphy, Daniela Ruah, stuntwoman Michaela McAllister, Kaitlin Olson, stuntwoman Lauren Mary Kim, Florence Pugh, Zoe again but this time with a puppy, Julia Butters, stuntowman Angela Meryl, stuntwoman Sarah Irwin, Daryl Hannah, Sophia Di Martino, Tracie Thoms, stuntwoman Shauna Duggins, Zoe Saldana, stuntwoman Ming Qiu, Renee Goldsberry, Rosie Perez, Lilly Aspell, Thandie Newton, stuntwoman Mel Stubbs, stuntwoman Jessie Graff, Zoe but this time at her car, stuntwoman Monique Ganderton, Halle Berry, stuntwoman Heidi Moneymaker, Scarlett Johansson, stuntwoman Dayna Grant, Margot Robbie, stuntwoman Renae Moneymaker, KT Tunstall and finally back to Zoe.

Gosh, that was fun. Who was your favorite? I’m still crying in the shower as far as my fighting styles goes. But, I’d gladly have any of these ladies tap in for me at any time. Any time at all.

SGALGG/GGALGG: Oscars Edition

Told ya it was coming. So outside of Janelle Monae representing for queer black artists to start the shows, the Oscars were a pretty straight affair. At least, what we saw on television was pretty straight. As we all know, hand out a few shiny trophies and let the champagne flow and suddenly Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals are everywhere – or at least everywhere in the eye of the beholder. But, as has been a welcome trend these last few years, there also actual Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Queer women came out in their finest this Oscar season. So it appears even lesbians and bisexual women are attracted to golden naked men. Who knew.

Brie Larson, Sigourney Weaver & Gal Gadot

I’m not really a threesome person, but YES PLEASE LET ME WATCH.

Laura Dern & Renee Zellweger

Bridget Jones’s Later-in-Life Lesbianism

Scarlett Johansson & Florence Pugh

It’s so unfair they’ve cast Florence Pugh and Rachel Weisz in the new “Black Widow” movie, because now I have to see it.

Geena Davis & Sandra Oh

No, they’re not doing anything particularly gay. But they’re Geena Davis and Sandra Oh standing together in beautiful dresses. So, duh, gay interest.

Natalie Portman

No, Natalie isn’t doing anything particularly gay. But she has the names of all the female directors snubbed this year for the Oscars embroidered on her coat hem in a sign of feminist solidarity and as we all know any feminism worth a damn is intersectional which means it would include the concerns of POC and the LGBTQ community. So, duh, gay interest.

Regina King

No, Regina isn’t doing anything particularly gay. But have you seen her arms and that dress? So, duh, gay interest.

Salma Hayek & Penelope Cruz

I’ve had dreams that started like this, Part I.

Margot Robbie & Charlize Theron

The strong top energy coming off Charlize as she watches over Margot reading her program is palpable.

Jessica Alba & Sofía Vergara

I’ve had dreams that started like this, Part II.

Greta Gerwig & Saoirse Ronan

I’m usually not cool with maestros getting handsy with their ingénue’s, but you know what? I’ll allow it.

Jane Fonda & Olivia Colman

Women of a certain age can totally get it.

GGALGG: Oscars Edition

Janelle Monae & Billy Porter

It’s like we’re witnessing the coolest wizard convention in the universe.

Beanie Feldstein & Kaitlyn Dever

Out queer actress who played straight with her straight actress friend who played gay.

Janet Mock, Lena Waithe & Rashida Jones

Proof that LGBTQ people totally still like straight people.

Maria Bello & Dominique Crenn

Mazel tov to the newly engaged couple!

Tessa Thompson & Amandla Stenberg

Just two incredibly talented, out, black queer actresses dancing at an Oscars party in the year 2020. Sometimes, it’s almost like we are living in the future.