I've gotta Glee

OK, I admit it. I miss “Glee.” It has been gone for so long now. It’s been three whole months and there are still more than three weeks until it’s back. Sure, there were fun “Glee” diversions this summer. Dianna Agron wore that T-shirt that made the world (i.e. every single tumblesbian) explode. Naya Rivera and Heather Morris shared an on-stage kiss. The “Glee” movie bombed – despite the glory that was Heather and Naya gyrating in 3D. And we learned that basically the entire cast was definitely leaving after this season, or definitely not leaving, or getting a spin-off, or never getting a spin-off. In other words, same Ryan Murphy, different shit.

Since they released the first new promo for Season 3,I’ve felt the pang. I miss those adorable Glee kids, I really do. I have no idea what this season will bring. If the addition of the show’s first real writing staff (including two real, live women – one a lesbian even) will make a difference for the better. We can only hope that it does. But regardless, what I miss are the actors and their characters themselves. What is indisputably the hardest-working cast in Hollywood (they sing, they dance, they act, they go on tour) is what makes the show for me. And, of course, The Gay. Man, I miss The Gay. Give us Brittana and Faberry, Season 3, or give us a death by slushie. Though, even if they don’t, there are always the shipper vids. We love you, shipper vids.

p.s. Murder is bad. But Google sure is helpful.

Dancing Solo

Confirmed: Hope Solo will be on the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.” Also confirmed: Many, many more lesbians are going to watch the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.”

So the world’s most kick-ass goalie is going to be on the show with the shiny sequins and the crazy choreography. On the one hand, wow, guess this means I’m going to have to start watching “Dancing with the Stars.” On the other hand, dammit, guess this means I’m going to have to start watching “Dancing with the Stars.”

I do not watch, though I have caught a few performances over the years. What I’ve gleaned from those few minutes is that, um, isn’t Hope a little upscale for this show? Let’s be brutally honest, it’s usually people trying to revive their careers or people without real careers in the first place. I mean, Rob Kardashian and George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend are both on the show this season. Don’t get me wrong, I like Chaz Bono and Ricki Lake and Carson Kressley and mean them no disrespect as fellow castmates. But then there’s the little problem of Nancy Grace also being a contestant. I’m not sure I can in good conscience watch any show that features that woman. She makes me want to kill someone and get away with it, just to watch her head explode. (Just kidding, I do not want to kill anyone. But I do want kind of want to watch Nancy’s head explode.)

Then there’s the injury factor. Aren’t contestants getting hurt left and right every season on this show? Hope, girl, the 2012 London Olympics are less than a year away. We do not want to have our star goalie sidelined by a tragic cha-cha accident.

Man, I am being so gay about this news. I’ve processed like 100 emotions in four paragraphs. But in the end, I think I’m mostly happy Hope will get the exposure and hopefully it’ll shine more much-deserved light onto our amazing U.S. Women’s National Team. As Hope herself tweeted, it’s to raise awareness of women’s soccer. And that’s a good thing. Also a good thing, this means I have a perfectly valid excuse to post more pictures of Hope Solo.

My, what big hands you have.
Admittedly, these legs are going to look killer in heels.
Normally I hate midriff-baring dresses. This is not normally.
If I was one of Hope’s DWTS competitors, I would seriously consider forfeiting after seeing this picture.
Arm…
…porn…
…forever.
I take everything I said back. This is the best news ever. Also, DWTS costumers, please note that Hope should only ever appear in sleeveless gowns. That’s an order. It would be a sin to cover even a single centimeter of these guns. A sin against hotness.

Lesbians for Ezbian

We’re here, we’re queer, we’re Ezbian lovers! If you love “Pretty Little Liars.” Or if you love Anne Shirley and therefore anyone who looks like Gilbert Blythe. Or if you just love really awesome T-shirts. Man, do I have the deal for you. My genius friend Heather Hogan has made the cast and crew of “Pretty Little Liars” fans of her equally genius recaps. And, as fans of the recaps, they’ve come to know her recap lingo. Risen Mitten = A. Boo Radley Van Cullen = Toby Cavanaugh. Ezbian = Ezra Fitz, the Gilbert Blythe doppelganger with lesbian tendencies. And, you might also come to know that the cast is really responsive to fans. So after Ian Harding, who plays Ezra, gave his stamp of approval to the “Ezbian” label, naturally, a call for a T-shirt suggesting such was made.

Ian and TV lesbian Shay Mitchell provided the action shot.

Heather provided the T-shirt design.

And, voila, the official “Ezbian Loves Lesbians” T-shirt was born.

Not only is it a kick-ass T-shirt, it’s a kick-ass T-shirt for a good cause. Heather is donating all proceeds to The Trevor Project.

Buy your very own T-shirt here. Well, what are you waiting for? Show you Ezbian pride, ladies and discerning gentlemen.

p.s. In case you’re hankering for some TV lesbian on TV lesbian interaction, please relive the most cotton-mouth inducing scene in “Pretty Little Liars” history. How Samara had enough saliva left to utter a single word after that display, I have no idea.

p.p.s. Who wants to draft Heather into starting a T-shirt business? Accepting petition signatures below.

My Weekend Crush

Oh, Tallulah, Tallulah. I imagine that’s a phrase she heard quite a lot, that sexy minx. Famed for her love of life and love of many lovers – male and female – she once quipped, “My father warned me about men and booze, but he never mentioned a word about women and cocaine.” And, oh, the women: Greta Garbo, Joan Crawford, Marlene Dietrich, Eva Le Gallienne, Laurette Taylor, Patsy Kelly, Hattie McDaniel, Estelle Winwood, Mercedes de Acosta. Allegedly.

Witty, pretty and oh so gay, Tallulah was a provocateur of the most delicious kind. The self-described “pure as the driven slush” southern starlet came up during Hollywood’s Golden Age in the 20s. She was known as much for her outsized personality as her acting abilities. If she’d been alive today, I’d imagine her shenanigans alone could keep TMZ in business. I think she would have been a hell of a gal to know.

The film critic Rex Reed famously told a story about Tallulah and Joan Crawford that kind of says it all. Joan attended a party for Tallulah dressed in a gown covered in gold glitter. Tallulah took her up to the bedroom and slammed the door, only to emerge later – stark naked – with gold glitter covering her lady business. She went to the balcony overlooking the partygoers and announced “Guess who just went down on me?” Oh, Tallulah, Tallulah. Happy weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Leave Your Hat On

Hey, remember how much you all loved that picture of Hayley Atwell wearing a hat? You know the one, with the suspenders. And the tongue. Fine, OK, and the tank top. Yep, now you remember. Well, Hayley’s jaunty little chapeau got me thinking. Women should wear more hats. No, not like those crazy Kentucky Derby battleship headpieces or those even crazier royal wedding ornamental antler displays. I mean more traditional hats. Your fedoras. Your newsboy caps. Heck, even your top hats. If I wanted to wear a peacock on my head, I’d wear a peacock. But when I want to wear a hat, I wear a fucking hat. Like Queen B above, and these fine ladies below.

Evangeline LillyBeing stuck on that island all those years really robbed us of valuable time we could have been watching Evangeline wearing a tux and fedora.

Jennifer Jason LeighRemember back in the 90s when every movie either starred Jennifer Jason Leigh or Bridget Fonda, sometimes both?

Keeley HawesOh, Kitty, Kitty. You terrible, terrible heartbreaker.

Maria BelloIn the new “Prime Suspect” remake, the big controversy so far isn’t that she’s filling in for the formidable Helen Mirren – it’s that she wears that fedora.

Joan as Police WomanObligatory joke about how if she was a real police woman, I’d let her cuff me any day.

Audrey TautouIf Coco Chanel really made suits like this for women, I would so buy one. OK, not really. I’m a writer and couldn’t afford one. But I’d covet one, that’s for sure.

JD SamsonWho knows, maybe the garrison cap will make a comeback after.

Piper PeraboThey should make her wear more hats on “Covert Affairs.” Yep, definitely more hats.

Marlene Dietrich

Women, men, animals, minerals – take note. Now that’s how you wear a fucking hat.

What time is it?

My God, have I missed “Lost Girl.” In 10 days TV’s best (fine, only) story about a bisexual succubus will be back for more fae-tastic adventures. Now, I’ve talked about my not-so-secret love of this Canadian delicacy before. And I’ve waxed eloquent about what I love about its stars Anna Silk (Mary-Louise Parker doppelganger + leather) and Zoie Palmer (soulful smirk + hotpants) and the hot doccubus action. But the dirty little secret I haven’t shared is that I also enjoy that this show is quite possibly TV’s most reliable deliverer of a little thing I like to call “Boobs O’Clock.”

What, pray tell, is Boobs O’Clock? Well, you know, it’s not really something that can be explained adequately in words. Mere syllables do not do this very special time of day justice. In fact, it’s less a time and more of a state of mind – dirty mind. Please allow Bo herself to demonstrate Boobs O’Clock.

Right, so, does that clear things up? No, still confused. Right, well perhaps a little repetition will help.

Ah-ha. Now you’re grasping the concept. Grasping. Get it? Oh, never mind.

Oh, Canada. Oh, Sept. 4. It’s about that time again. Let’s do this.

Tank Top Tuesday

It’s Tuesday. So, well, you know what to do. Hop on board, secure the safety bar and please enjoy this ride through hot ladies in tank tops. Remember to keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times. Do not attempt to touch any of the subjects. I mean, you can attempt it if you want, but you’re just you’re just going to smudge your computer screen. And, as always, please tip your friendly neighborhood carnie as you exit the ride.

Hayley AtwellJust when you thought she couldn’t get more attractive, she puts on a tank top.

Mariska HargitayThey should set a SVU case on the beach. Because, yeah, they just should.

Paget Brewster“Criminal Minds” writers have to think of a way to get Paget into a tank top in every episode this season. You know, to make up for lost time.

Michelle RodriguezI am trying to think of an M-Rod movie where I did not see her in a tank top. Still thinking, still thinking.

Lea Michele“Glee” has been gone for so long I actually miss Rachel Berry.

Rutina WesleyMy God, Tara, you are terrible at picking allegiances. First a crazy maenad and now a crazy witch. Should have stayed in New Orleans with your hot girlfriend, girl.

Amber HeardI don’t buy the whole “The Playboy Club” is about female empowerment spin, but I do buy how good Amber looks in the bunny suit.

Angelina JolieAdmit it, sometimes you miss this Angie. She was a hell of a lot of fun. Naughty, dangerous, willing to roll around naked with Elizabeth Mitchell fun.

Secret Stylist Agent

Agent Myka Bering. Smart. Bad-ass. Hairstyle challenged. Our very special Secret Service Agent has gone through a bit of a hairstyle evolution since she first drove up to “Warehouse 13.” Remember how light her hair was when the show started? Then through the years it has darkened. But, of course, the biggest evolutionary jump came between the second and third season when The Straightening happened. No, I don’t mean all those meaningful sideways glances between Myka and HG ended (hell, they’re even stronger). I mean her hair. Hello, straight iron. All that lovely kink is gone, leaving sleek black tresses. Which, naturally, leads us to one of the great questions of our time. Agent Myka Bering: Curly or Straight?

On the one hand, I hate the straight intensely. Her curly hair looked natural, free. Her straight hair looks forced, controlled.But on the other hand, I love it. I’m a bit more of a straight hair gal than a curly hair gal – as my hair is straight as well.And then I think both are fantastic. In fact, she should alternate through the week. Wild and curly one day. Smooth and straight the next. Hello, best of both worlds.Though, I will say that Myka can’t pull off all hairstyles with similar grace. Oh, darling, no.
In the end, I think the best thing we can say about Myka’s hairvolution is that it’s clear what the endgame is.
Lesbian Twin Syndrome claims another happy couple.

p.s. Please, tv gods, keep bringing HG back this season. A gal can’t go too long without a good grappling hook.

My Weekend Comment

Dear people who hate me yet keep coming back to my site out of masochistic tendencies I do not fully understand:

Insult me all you want. Really go to town. Get creative. Open a thesaurus. Have the time of your life.

I’ve made it my practice to leave the comments section open to everyone without interference. I hardly ever wade in because, again, that’s your space. I get the whole frontpage to blather on and on and – yes – on some more. So say whatever you want about me.

But, please, do not insult my readers. These are just good, intelligent, thoughtful folks who come here in peace seeking discourse, amusement and pictures of hot girls in tank tops. They’ve done nothing different than what you’ve done – read the musings of one gal on the internet who stays up way too late every night and writes way too much about pop culture.

If you want to dislike me, that’s cool. Though I would prefer you not be a dick about it. But leave my readers the fuck alone.

Sincerely,
Ms. Snarker
(a.k.a. Captain Dick Winky McCock-a-saurus Rex)

p.s. Same goes for my friends. Seriously, do not fuck with my friends.

Feel her pop

You know what I like about Anne Hathaway? She’s game. She’s really, really fucking game. And while that gameness can sometimes be construed as over-eagerness, I prefer to see it is as an endearing earnestness. She’s so very likeable. Even in that disaster of her Oscar co-hosting gig, it wasn’t for her lack of trying. (No, it was for James Franco’s lack of trying – seriously, I do not understand that dude’s appeal.) So when she stopped by Conan on Tuesday, I was expecting Anne to be her normal delightful self. But I never thought her appearance would make me like her so much more. I don’t know how she does it, but she has the adorably-dorky-yet-princess-pretty thing down pat. Also, girl can rhyme, yo.

Granted, I still don’t like that new Catwoman costume. But I have no doubt that Anne will do her best.

p.s. A fuller version of Anne’s Conan appearance can be seen here. And, yes, it makes her even that much more likeable.

Over the girl

Last week we spoke about that elusive good lesbian movie, so this week I thought we’d take a trip back in the way-back machine to a little year I like to call 1997. Bill Clinton was still in office. No one had ever heard of Monica Lewinsky. No one outside of Texas had heard of George W. Bush. The war in Iraq was a distant memory. This whole internet thing was just starting to seem awesome. And a little movie called “All Over Me” was released.

There is nothing really flashy about “All Over Me,” and that’s a good thing. It’s just the story of a teenage girl, Claude (Alison Folland), growing up in New York’s Hell’s Kitchen and trying to navigate the big city and her bigger emotions for her best friend, Ellen (Tara Subkoff). I haven’t seen it in years (note to self: order the DVD immediately), but I can still remember how real it felt the first time I watched it. Everything about it – the grit, the hunger, the devotion, the confusion – it was all so honest. And so raw. Most movies about teenagers today delight in making them precocious one-liner machines. They’re too cool for whatever school they’re stuck in, and we know it. But “All Over Me” wasn’t interested in the normal trappings of Hollywood a coming-of-age stories, or being cool. It was just interested in being real.

One scene in particular sticks with me, all these years later. When Claude is helping Ellen in the restaurant bathroom and she says to her, “Everyone knows I’m your dog.” My God, haven’t we all been there. For young women, gay and straight, the female friendships we have as teenagers are some of the most intense and most complicated of our lives. It’s a fascinating dynamic that rarely gets touched on in most movies beyond the sassy best friend character. But what fertile cinematic ground awaits for those who dig a little deeper.

I’d always hoped for more great things from the filmmakers, sisters Alex and Sylvia Sichel, would go on to do many more great things. The last major credit for them on IMDB is the Chloe Sevigny and Michelle Williams “1972” segment in “If These Walls Could Talk 2.” That, by the way, was my favorite segment from that film, one that again showcased the sisters skill at subtle, yet powerful realism. Also, damn, it was hot.

And so were scenes in “All Over Me.” Why hello, adorable young, pink-haired Leisha Hailey. Hello very much.

All that and it also stars Rickie Vasquez Wilson Cruz. Yep, definitely buying this DVD. Definitely.

SGALGG: Hanily Edition

Lots of co-stars get along. And thank heavens for that, because not everyone is a good enough actor to fake it through a whole season of TV. But some, they’re especially close. Like Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals close. Like Achele close. OK, I can’t think of a close than Achele. But Hanily is pretty darn close. That is Hanna and Emily from “Pretty Little Liars.” Co-stars Shay Mitchell and Ashley Benson are by all appearances great friends on set and off. And when I say by all appearances, I mean by all of the pictures they tweet out. Seriously, those two take more pictures together than most married couples I know. Think I’m kidding? I am so not.

Here they are all splendor in the grass.
And here they are again.
And again.
And, yes, again.
Also, have you noticed Ashley is almost always on the left and Shay on the right? I mean, come on, they even have their own sides. Hell, they even have themes.

With Sunglasses
With Food
With Costumes/Outfits
With Ashley on the Right

Heck, Ashley even ships their characters together. When asked by Just Jared Jr. who Hanna should end up with, she made Hanily shippers hearts go pitter patter.

JJJ: Who does Hanna really belong with?
AB: Caleb! No, Emily, I mean…(laughs)

Look, I liked Maya and I liked Paige and Samara is, well, blonde. But “Pretty Little Liars” should really consider making Hanily happen. Because you can’t fake chemistry like this. Also, no lying, aren’t they just the prettiest little couple ever?