Give it to me, baby

You guys, seriously. You guys. You probably already saw this last week. But if you didn’t, it’s one hell of a way to start the work week. And even if you did, it’s still one hell of a way to start your work week. This is Sasha Alexander and Angie Harmon enjoying a little on-set dance party for the Angie’s birthday last week. For first timers and repeat viewers alike, it’s certainly something to aspire to in the workplace. Just think how the work week would fly by if we all danced our day away through the office. Oh, Sasha. Oh, Angie. You make me feel gayzzoli all over.

EDIT: Well, shit. I do not know why the video was marked private all of sudden. I hope it’s just a temporary mistake. Until it is made public again, please enjoy this older vintage of Angie Harmon dancing on set instead. It’s still a pretty fantastic way to kick off the work week.

EDIT 2: Embedded with a working reupload of the dance party. Get your groove on.

My Weekend Crush

I swear to the TV gods, if they kill Jessica I will never watch “True Blood” again. That’s a little dramatic, I know. But it’s all because of Deborah Ann Woll. Her baby vamp Jessica is the Willow of “True Blood.” Put her in danger and it causes instant fan heart attacks. It’s only fitting that Deborah plays someone supernatural. That milky skin. That flaming hair. She’s so pretty it has to be supernatural. Jessica’s evolution has been subtle and fascinating to watch. Her love for Hoyt, her struggles with her nature, her claiming of her power. Deborah has made Jessica the perhaps the most sympathetic character in the “True Blood” universe. A victim who is coming into her own, a young woman finding herself. In Bon Temps’ tangled web of switching allegiances, constant power struggles and complicated romantic couplings, Jessica’s fate is the one that tends to worry me most. So, as I was saying, get the fuck up off the ground and do something, Jason. Happy weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Gay It Forward

Right, so sometimes the lovely ladies who gay it forward wear suits instead of tank tops. Which is fine by me. I’m equal opportunity when it comes to my preferred lesbian attire. And I can’t think of a better subject to lead the way than Carla Gugino. She’s had more lesbian and lesbianish scenes than the cast of “The L Word.” Granted, the movies are largely of questionable quality. “Jaded,” “Rise: Blood Hunter,” “Center of the World,” “Sin City,” “She Creature.” They’re not exactly “Citizen Kane.” But, you know, A for effort. Though I really think we should get a petition going to finally put Carla in a good lesbian movie. It’d be a crime to let someone who looks that good in a suit go to waste. A damn crime.

Jaime MurrayIf Myka saw this you know she’d throw herself at HG, non-corporeal form or not.

Jordana BrewsterIf you ever want to find the lesbians in a crowd, just yell the name “Lucy Diamond” and see whose heads swivel faster than you can say “D.E.B.S.”

Amy AdamsWhile I’ve never seen the rest of “Standing Still,” I will admit to watching one particular scene more than once.

Chloe SevignyI have no idea what’s going on with the strange face kerchief. But seeing her in a jacket gives me warm fuzzies about her uber butch hottie in “If These Walls Could Talk II.”

Christina HendricksI kept the “Without a Trace” where she played an agoraphobic lesbian on my DVR for an unusually long time.

Kristin Scott ThomasI know, I’ve been on a bit of a KST kick of late. But with “Love Crimes” coming up and “Tell No One,” “Bitter Moon” and that scene in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” where she said she was a lesbian once in college all in the bag, can you really blame me?

Heather MorrisIt’s Brittany, bitch. And I have a lot more to say about her over on AfterEllen a little later today.

Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew BarrymoreIt’s the hat trick of lesbian kisses with Cameron in “Being John Malkovich,” Lucy in “Rise: Blood Hunter” and the “Ally McBeal” kiss heard around the world and Drew in “Poison Ivy.” With that track record it’s amazing they didn’t work in a threesome kiss in “Charlie’s Angels.” Well, there’s always the new TV show.

Sasha AlexanderDr. Maura Isles wearing Det. Jane Rizzoli’s clothes? I’ll be in my bunk, possibly forever.

p.s. Maura is totally checking out Jane’s ass in her dress here.

It's a small world after all

So over the weekend I tried to watch “Room in Rome,” emphasis on tried. Man, that movie was a hot mess, emphasis on mess. And then I also watched “Bloomington,” which in true lesbian fashion I am still processing my feelings about. But what both movies reminded me is of the audacity of hope we have each time we watch a new lesbian movie. Maybe, just maybe, this will be The One. The good lesbian movie, at long last. We have so precious few. So I’m pleased to say there are a few lesbian films (or at the very least lesbianish ones) coming out soon that make me again hope against hope. Interestingly, they’re all foreign films. (Come on America, what happened to “We’re No. 1!”?) But who cares about borders, I’ll watch any lesbian movie from anywhere as long as it isn’t “Bar Girls.” No, seriously, never make me watch “Bar Girls” again. Let one, or with any luck all, of these movies be the bad lesbian movie antidote.

Circumstance

Wow, this movie looks beautiful. And not only beautiful, but importance as it shines a needed light of the plight of lesbians in Middle Eastern countries, in this case Iran. Also, wow, this movie looks beautiful.

Love Crime

So this isn’t so much straight-up lesbian as it is straight-up mind fuck. But there are definite lesbian undertones. Also Kristin Scott Thomas speaks French. So, you know, sold.

Kyss Mig (Kiss Me)

I’ve raved about how good this film looks before. And I’ll rave about how good it looks again. Also, have I mentioned one of my raves made the film’s official movie poster? Does this mean my ticket is free when it finally opens here?

So there you have it. A world of lesbian cinema awaits. Fingers crossed, ladies, fingers crossed.

Tank Top Tuesday: Gay it Forward

You know, I’m supposed to notice Stephanie March’s big yellow bandana. Because, you know, it’s yellow. But you know what I notice, well, besides the tank top? Her watch. That’s a big gay watch. Now, of course, I know Stephanie isn’t gay. She’s got Bobby freaking Flay cooking for her at home. But, she does play gay convincingly (as the brilliant plastics engineer slash lesbian on “30 Rock”). And, of course, gives good subtext with one Det. Olivia Benson. So, wait, where was I going with this? Oh right, those who play gay for our pleasure. Sometimes, they also wear pretty gay things for our pleasure, too. Like watches. And, of course, my personal favorite – tank tops.

Elizabeth MitchellElizabeth has earned the honorary hot plate for playing gay not once, not twice but three times. If she does a fourth, I say we have it bronzed.

Penelope CruzPenelope has only done it twice for us – but it was Charlize Theron and Scarlett Johansson, respectively. So, you know, good job.

Charlize TheronFine, so also played a lesbian serial killer. But, you know, nobody’s perfect.

Shay MitchellPoor dear, “A” made Emily a juicer. Though on the plus side, think of the muscle definition.

Patricia ClarksonSometimes I still expect her to talk with a German slur, like Greta from “High Art.”

Zoe SaldanaShe got to make out with Mila Kunis before it was Oscar-worthy to make out with Mila Kunis.

Piper PeraboAlso a twofer, but let’s be honest, we’ll love her forever just for kissing Lena.

Jenny ShimizuShe doesn’t have to play. She just is. My, is she ever.

Thanks for gaying it forward, ladies. And, yes, the tank tops.

EDIT: Looks like Piper and Penelope get their honorary hot plates as well for making the third time the charm. We anxiously await their fourth.

Star ships

You know what I like? Puppies? Rainbows? A glass of Rombauer merlot while watching the sunset into the ocean? OK, yes, I like all those things. So perhaps my query was a little broad. You know what I like about our favorite TV stars? I like when they ship the lesbian relationships as much as the fans. I really, really like that. I mean, it’s like catnip to us fans. We roll around and purr for hours after our favorite stars acknowledge our obsessions. And a few of the very best at doing that of late have been Naya Rivera, Joanne Kelly, Dana Delany and Julie Benz. The “Glee,” “Warehouse 13” and former “Desperate Housewives” stars have all rooted on their lesbian characters/subtext of late. Man, those ladies are making the fangirls hyperventilate big time.

Of course, Naya’s ability to make the fangirls’ hearts palpitate is nothing new. I mean, she called Santana and Brittany soulmates. But the way she keeps raising the bar is extraordinary. Like, take over the weekend at the “Glee: The 3D Concert Movie” premiere. Of course, she was great to fans – signing autographs and interacting as she does. But Naya took it one step further. She wore a “Brittana is love” bracelet.

COME ON. She wore the bracelet. She is truly the captain of this ship. Oh captain, my captain. p.s. Yes, I know a fan gave it to her. But she did put it on, which is quite something considering it does not match her outfit at all.

But Joanne’s captaining of the Myla/HG ship is new. I mean, fans had long read the subtext between Joanne’s Myka and Jaime Murray’s HG Wells. Jaime, that great bringer of lesbianism to television shows, had acknowledged the magnificent sideways glances her HG and Myka exchange on the show. But Joanne took it to that proverbial other level at Comic-Con. Not only did she confirm the subtext between the characters (saying “We fell in love a little bit.”), she seems to be actively rooting for the two.

I mean, come on. How adorable is that? SO ADORABLE.

And then there’s Dana Delany who told TV Guide she wants to see her character of Katherine and her girlfriend Robin (Julie Benz) return for the show’s final season.

“I would love to come back for one episode just to sort of wrap things up with Katherine. I want to know that she's happy. A happy lesbian. Wouldn't that be nice?”

Julie read Dana’s TV Guide comments and wholeheartedly agreed via Twitter.

Oh, ladies. That’s how you make a fandom love you forever and ever and ever.

My Weekend Crush

Some of you noted when disclosing my tendencies toward dark-haired, impossibly cheekboned, deliciously accented women of the UK of late that I had left a certain lady off my recent crush list. Well, actually, I left several ladies off. But, truth be told, I left out one purpose. You see, I wanted to save Jaime Murray all for the weekend. Certainly, she ticks all my categories: hair, check; cheekbones, check; accent, check. And, she has something else – where she goes, something gay often follows. First in “Spartacus: Gods of the Arena” and now in “Warehouse 13,” Jaime has caused her female cohorts pulses to quicken – both overtly and covertly. Of course, how could they not? Just look at her. And besides just being just outrageously gorgeous, Jaime brings a delightful dose of sass to her roles. It’s a rare combination, really. You don’t usually get to be so endearingly cheeky when you’ve got the body of a femme fatale. But it’s that very combination of an aristocratic face and a devilish charm that makes her so wickedly intoxicating. I mean, anyone who gets to make out with Lucy Lawless and give significant sideways glances to Joanne Kelly clearly has some serious game. But then, as I’ve said – just look at her. (That link is so NSFW and so worth it.) Happy weekend, all.

p.s. HG returns Monday night on “Warehouse 13.” Who else has purchased a first-class ticket on the Myka/HG love ship?

Just my type

I’ve never really been the kind of person to have a “type.” I like the infinite variations and unique particularities that makes each woman so different and so delightful. Red hair. Blonde hair. Pale skin. Mahogany skin. Green eyes. Brown eyes. Why choose just one when you can have the rainbow? But it seems, at least for the time being, I’m going through a very definite phase. I can’t tell if it’s one of these, well, passing things. Or if it’s here for good. Because right now I’m in a serious dark-haired, impossibly cheekboned, deliciously accented women of the United Kingdom phase. I’m not entirely sure how this phase got started. I mean, we all dabble in college. But it’s safe to say my phase is now a full-blown obsession. It seems every new star I’ve developed quick, complete crushes on of late has been one of these dark-haired, impossibly cheekboned, deliciously accented women of the UK. While I’ve already confessed at length to my Anglophia before, this is a very specific kind of Anglophilia. So while I still am reluctant to say I have a type, I’ll admit that the next dark-haired, impossibly cheekboned, deliciously accented woman of the UK who walks my way will definitely get a head swivel. And then some.

Hayley AtwellI had absolutely no interest in seeing “Captain America.” And then, Hayley happened. She is also, you might remember, the actress Emma Thompson almost got in a row with producers about because they wanted her to lose weight. Anytime Emma Thompson almost comes to fisticuffs over you, well, you know you’re something special.

Heather PeaceHot cop is hot. End of discussion.

Katie McGrathI cannot even put into words how attractive I find Katie. I almost have to stop myself from stroking the screen each time I see her. I just want to touch her face. And, um, possibly other stuff.

Pippa MiddletonI know, I know. Laugh if you must. But once I saw Hot Sister in That Dress at The Wedding, I was a goner. Because, while I am also not a butt girl either, dayum.

Marsha ThomasonThey should give Marsha more occasion to use her real accent on White Collar. They must.

Lara PulverShe played Sookie’s fairy godmother (yes, really, her fairy godmother) on “True Blood.” I can’t be the only one who thinks she looks like a dark-haired Jodie Foster, right?

Lena HeadeyClearly, Lena is not a new girl crush for me. But my God, her face – her magnificent, magnificent face.

I take everything back. Lena is my type. Exactly, totally, 100 percent my type. So, you know, dibs.

p.s. Keep in mind, kittens, these are all new or newish crushes (with the exception of permanent crush, Lena). I have so, so many long-standing crushes on other dark-haired, impossibly cheekboned, deliciously accented women of the UK. So many.

Fuck that noise

So the internet went major kerplewie at Casa Snarker last night. And being too tired to deal with it I just said, “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” Which, if you think about it, is a good way to handle a multitude of life’s trials and tribulations, large and small. Work got you down? “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” Family driving you crazy? “Fuck that noise. I’m going to bed.” ISP trying to ruin your life by telling you repair people won’t be available to service your neighborhood for another six to eight hours? “FUCK THAT NOISE. I’M GOING TO BED.” And you wake up, and voila, the Internet works and you’re well rested. It may be my new life motto. I’m definitely putting it on a T-shirt. Though, admittedly, it doesn’t work in every single situation. And for those crises that require a more proactive approach, I always turn to the singularly wise words of one Bette Porter. Well, curse words that is. Happy fucking Wednesday.

Dancing fool

Over the weekend, I had a bit of a technological freak out when I accidentally unplugged my iPhone in the middle of a software update. Pro Tip: Bad idea, really bad idea. That forced an entire system restore, which forced me to fret for three hours while everything reninstalled, which forced me to worry about how long it had been since my last backup, which forced me to think about what I could have lost on my phone. I was pretty sure I’d updated since returning from my vacation. But I wasn’t sure if I’d synched since Pride. Now, I’m sure at this point you’re thinking, “Snarker, where the fuck are you going with this?” And that’s a very good question.

Because where I’m going with this is that I also realized if I hadn’t synched since Pride, that might not be the worst thing in the world because then some somewhat incriminating dancing photos/videos might not be on my phone anymore. Because as enthusiastic as I can be about dancing given the right mix of atmosphere and adult beverages, I’m not entirely sure it’s something I should save for posterity. Yet, after my restore finished, I was oddly relieved to see that I had lost only two apps, and all of my photos and videos – even the embarrassing dancing ones – were back. Sometimes, dorky dancing can be more delightful than the most graceful, most beautiful choreography. Not cooler or sexier, mind you. But often more spontaneous and ecstatic. So in honor of my recovered cache, here is an ode to the joy of dorky dancing.

Buffy & Company

When the Scooby Gang dances, the world smiles. And often is saved.

Tina Fey

Liz Lemon, the best dorky dancer since Elaine Benes.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Of course, no one can top the original.

Amy Poehler

That’s 1,000 extra bonus cuteness points for you, Amy Poehler.

Paget Brewster

That settles it, I would like dancing Paget to be my spirit animal.

p.s. And, no, you cannot see my own dorky dancing videos. I said I was happy they were back, not that I wanted to share. I’m not crazy.

Naked Lady Monday

Oh, shit. It’s Monday again. But wait, naked ladies. There, all better. Sometimes, kittens, it’s just that simple. I mean, if our beautiful friend Freida Pinto above doesn’t improve your day exponentially, then I’m not sure anything will. But why am I still talking? Happy NSFWish Monday.

Emmanuelle BeartDid you know Emmanuelle is 47? French women apparently don’t age, either.

Eva GreenThough French women do, in the immortal words of Sir Mix-A-Lot, got back.

Anna FrielSeriously, I still miss “Pushing Daisies” so much.

Jenna FischerYou always have to look out for the nice ones.

Cobie Smulders

I don’t watch her show. Why don’t I watch her show?

Keira KnightleyWell, now I can see why the thought of never having Keira would drive that poor bloke with the flashcards to go fight zombies instead.

Sarah Shahi

I have never enjoyed a Monday more. Ever.

My Weekend Crush

Each time I see Sasha Alexander, she’s a little more gorgeous than the time before. Which, considering how gorgeous she is to start with, is pretty near impossible. But there she goes, each time anew, making me think – “No, this is the most gorgeous I have ever seen her. This.” She has a sophisticated sereneness about her that plays perfectly off of co-star Angie Harmon’s coltish kinetic energy. But outward gorgeousness, even the exponentially increasing kind like hers, is really nothing when not coupled with inner beauty. And by all account Sasha has that as well. And with each new interview, my respect for her increases as well.

Being one of the leads on a hit new TV show about a crime-fighting pair that even your grandmother has started to wonder aloud if they’re LLBFFs with benefits must be somewhat overwhelming. The flood of fervent fangirls. The flood of are they or aren’t they questions. But rather than pish-posh fans or squash speculation, Sasha has been universally magnanimous about the gay talk. She told TV Guide that the subtext discussion was “a great compliment. Angie is a beautiful woman, and I can't say we don't make a hot pair.” And she told Jimmy Kimmel that “Everybody’s a little bit more gay these days…. Best friends can be very gay.” Her embrace of the fans and our love for these characters and their chemistry is refreshing. She doesn’t just tolerate us, she truly appreciates us.

And speaking of that Kimmel interview, can we just talk for a second about that dress? Sweet merciful Zeus, that dress. I’m pretty sure the laws of physics dictate that she had to be poured into it that dress. And her hair – her shiny, perfect, luminous hair. And that laugh, that throaty delicious laugh. That’s it – this is definitely the most gorgeous I have ever seen her. That is, until the next time I see her. Happy weekend, all.

That final frontier

This is the story of how I accidentally became a sci-fi fan. I say accidentally because – truth be told – I never really liked sci-fi that much growing up. Sure, I loved “Star Wars.” But “Star Wars” isn’t so much science fiction as it is fairy tale complete with princesses, rouges, black-clad villains and teddy bears (the Ewoks were teddy bears, right?). I never got into “Star Trek” (please note, I am not denigrating “Star Trek.” Live long and prosper, Trekkers). Basically, I stayed away from almost every show with “Star” in the title. For some reason, I felt a little snobby about it. I like serious dramas. I don’t like silly science fiction.

And then it happened. Slowly, but surely, I started liking silly science fiction. First “The X-Files.” But I rationalized that away as more of an ongoing mystery than a sci-fi geekfest. And then “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” which while not actually sci-fi, does lump together with the larger world of fantasy. But the thing about Buffy was it wasn’t so much about the vampires as it was about the real monsters we face every day trying to make it to adulthood.

But then I just kept adding more sci-fi shows. “Fringe.” “Dr. Who.” “Dollhouse.” “Firefly.” “Torchwood.” “Lost Girl.” “Warehouse 13.”

What is it about these shows? Why do they interest me so? Well, in part, the fantasy. Time travel. Space travel. Immortal tendencies. Bisexual succubus tendencies. And, well, Myka and Helena’s gigantic lesbian tendencies. But, to be honest, it’s not so much the escape I crave. Because while good sci-fi can provide that with its laser blasters and mind erasers and blue police boxes, I think when done well what it really gives us is a chance to look with clear eyes at our own humanity. Something about adding little green men (or their metaphysical equivalent) allows us to step back from the ordinary, up-close messiness of life and just see our human race for what it is. Beautiful. Flawed. Crazy as all fuck.

And, just as important, I think science fiction is a genre that finally allows women to be on equal footing with men. Not all science fiction, mind you. But a lot, especially more recently. Women are allowed to be in charge. They’re allowed to be strong. They’re allowed to be important – essential even. Basically, they’re allowed to save the world. They’re very rarely just the girlfriend or just the best friend. They’re more often a secret agent or badass or both. And that, that is pretty damn awesome.

Gina Torres, a high priestess of science fiction badassery, famously praised the genre for giving actresses like her who don’t fit a mold a happy home:

“When you fall within the cracks, you thank God for sci-fi, because they’ll give you a gun, and they’ll say, ‘Go over there and conquer that world. You kick some ass, girl!’”

Go kick some ass, indeed. Bring it, sci-fi. I’m all yours.

Subtext & Recreation

Kittens, you know how I love me some subtext. For proof I give you the dark circles under my eyes and general lifeless pallor I have from staying up, again, until the wee small hours of the way too early morning this week writing the latest “Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (which is up at AfterEllen). p.s. Last night’s episode was The Gayest. Like G to the AY. So gay. In short, yay subtext. And while the Rizzles are my No. 1 Subtext Couple Friends, I naturally dabble in others. Unlike Fake TV Wives, which require the semblance of monogamy, Subtext Couple Friends are like real-life couple friends. The more couple friends the better. Each pairing can fill a specific need in your life. I mean, say, if Couple Friends A invite you to Easter brunch, Couple Friends B may have you over for Thanksgiving. Like I said, more is better.

So among my other Subtext Couple Friends, one of my most delightful duos is Leslie Knope and Ann Perkins. The pair from “Parks & Recreation” are wonderful for so, so many reasons. Hilarious. Endearing. Loyal. Real. Their friendship is among the best-written female friendships on TV. And, sadly, that’s another one of the reasons it stands out. It seems ludicrous, but so many shows still fail the Bechdel Rule, that require two women to talk to each other about something other than a man, week after week. So to have show like “Parks & Rec” where its lead uncynically embraces feminism and optimism and best friendism, well, heavens it’s refreshing. But, wait, weren’t we talking about subtext? Yes, ma’am, we were. So, right, Leslie and Ann. I think this video says it all. Ladies.

Can I get a witness? All aboard the Love Train to Knopkins Valley. And Amy and Rashida even seem to ship it, in an interview they gave to Elle magazine earlier this year.

ELLE: I’m watching a video of you two.
Rashida Jones: Are you watching our lesbian video on YouTube?
Amy Poehler: Yeah, it’s pretty funny. Someone put together all the scenes of Ann and Leslie and then put a Counting Crows song to it. It looks like Parks and Rec is a love story about two women.
ELLE: Are you guys hugging right now?
Rashida Jones: Actually, we’re spooning.

Look, now you have to ship it. You must. And if you don’t, I will draw a mustache on your face in your sleep. Don’t think I won’t because I will.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for drawing a mustache on your best friend’s face.

p.s Major, major kudos to Buffyfan357 for the excellent, excellent “Accidentally in Love” vid (which YouTube pulled – boo!). I love it. LOVE.