Tank Top Tuesday

You know how that Tuesday after a vacation can be even worse than the Monday after a vacation because Tuesday is the day it actually sets in that, “Dammit, I’m really going to have to be here all week.” So, naturally, I’ve turned to tank tops to soften the blow. Oh, tank tops. You never fail me.

Maria Bello

I don’t love the promos for “Prime Suspect,” but I do love Maria. So, you know, sold.

Heather MorrisI am suddenly irrationally jealous of that volleyball net, and that pole. Possibly the sand.

Lynn ChenSure, we’re all still in love with Michelle. But of course we fell for Lynn, too. She taught us to fall, after all.

Gillian AndersonScully is working on her fitness. Your argument is invalid.

Rashida JonesIf I promise to keep posting pictures of Rashida in a tank top, will you promise to watch “Parks and Recreations?”

Katie McGrathYou can’t really see much of her tank top here. I’m surprisingly OK with that.

Annie LennoxThat amount of cool should be bottled and sold in stores.

Missy PeregrymI have long forgotten the plot of “Stick It,” but I will never forget those abs.

Joanne KellyHave you ever wondered what a young Agent Myka Bering would look like in a tank top by a campfire? Well, now you know.

Super Kate

The world can be a disappointing place. Humans can act inhuman. Leaders can fail to lead. The famous can act infamously. But amid all our disappointments in our fellow man (and woman), it's nice to be reminded that sometimes we can also not suck. Sometimes, we can be down right lovely.

Celebrity is a strange business. Fame does not have to equal goodness. But when the two do happen to converge it makes us feel happily justified. Like we've finally, finally put our adoration in the right place.

Like how Kate Winslet keeps reassuring me that my adoration is in the right place. In her new cover story in V magazine, Kate reminds us that not only can we not suck, we can be fabulous while doing so. Take, for instance, her reasoning for loving city life:

“I like being in the city. I like the diversity that my children are exposed to every day. I love the way their brains work. [My son] Joe turns to me the other day and says ‘One day I will have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, darling. Which would you prefer?’ And I said ‘My love, that would be entirely up to you, and it doesn’t make any difference to me.’ But that he knows! It’s a real privilege. Talk about the best education.”

One could quibble - if one were in a quibbling mood - that country life could be just as progressive, of course. But let us just revel in the wonderfulness of her response to the possibility of having a gay child instead. Because that, that's what makes a difference. All the public speeches and heartfelt PSAs in the world can't make the difference that one parent telling one child that "It's perfectly OK to be gay, and I will love you just the same, always" can. Also, how fabulous is it that Kate's son calls her "darling?" So fabulous.

Oh, Kate, Kate. Thank you for not sucking. And being fucking fabulous.

p.s. Also, did you know Kate’s kind of a superhero? Super Winslet: Rescuing mothers from fires and telling sons it’s OK to be gay in a single bound.

Vacation Vixens: Emma Thompson & Helena Bonham Carter

Looks like Sybil Trelawney and Bellatrix LeStrange went through kind of an experimental phase in college.

Vacation Vixen: Olivia Wilde

All I know is that is one lucky fucking table.

Vacation Vixen: Michelle Krusiec

If you aren’t still a little in love with Michelle from “Saving Face,” then you’re just flat-out lying to yourself.

Vacation Vixen: Alex Kingston

I am so simultaneously confused and amazed and enthralled by this season of “Dr. Who.” But the one thing I know for 100 percent certain is Alex Kingston is the best thing things sliced bread, buttered toast, French toast and any other kind of bread-based meal you can think of.

Vacation Vixen: Sasha Alexander

Kittens, I’m on vacation again. But don’t worry, it’s just for a quick week. I’m popping back home for a long-overdue family visit. But while I’m away, as always, I will leave you with the variety of vivacious Vacation Vixens to view. But, because I love you, I will do my best to still bring you this week’s Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recap. It also may be because I seem to be a little unclear on the definition of the word “vacation.” So, please enjoy the scrumptious Sasha Alexander today. And come back to AfterEllen tomorrow for a recap of tonight’s episode.

My Weekend Crush

It would be easy to love Zoie Palmer just for her portrayal of the beautiful, soulful Dr. Lauren Lewis on “Lost Girl.” Those soft, searching brown eyes. The earnestness and eagerness of her human doctor indentured to a supernatural world. And, yes, the Hotpants. In a show full of strange and super-powered creatures, she is its quiet human heart. Lauren and Bo’s relationship is why I started watching “Lost Girl” and Zoie is one of the biggest reasons I fell in love with the show. She is Dr. Hotpants, how could you not? But you could always tell that under than serious demeanor something else was lurking, just dying to get out. You saw it in each deliciously sly smirk. And after last weekend’s “Lost Girl” cast appearance at Fan Expo in Canada, we all know why, too. Behind that Cheshire grin lies a total smartass.

First she delighted Team Lauren fans by saying she strategically placed herself between Anna Silk (Bo) and Kris Holden-Ried (Dyson). And then there was her dead-pan response of “Me” to the question, “What is it about Lost Girl that has this kind of universal appeal?” And when talking about how the Bo-Lauren relationship was portrayed she said it was important that “it wasn’t just, like, two chicks getting it on – which I hope you enjoy.” (See the whole panel here.) With any luck once the show premieres on Canada’s Showcase this Sunday we’ll begin to see more of that side of her in Lauren, as the producers has promised to peel back a few layers of the enigmatic Dr. Lewis this season. If we’re even luckier, the writers will make good on the promise of the “Lost Girl” season 2 promo posters that tout Lauren as “The Lover.” Oh Canada, bring on the Doccubus. Happy weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Drag Edition

There’s gender fuck, and then there’s Gender Fuck. The world witnessed the latter last weekend when the incomparable Lady Gaga went full on Jo Calderone for the entirety of the MTV Video Music Awards. Not only was it one of the only times I’ve ever seen her in an outfit that didn’t involve mirrors, bubbles, spikes or require refrigeration. Regardless of what you thought of her lengthy leering performance as Jo, you’ve got to admire her commitment. Hell, Gaga was even packing. So today let’s celebration those who dare to drag with mustaches – or without. All hail the kings.

Kristin Scott ThomasEat your heart out, Ivan Aycock.

Katharine HepburnThey don’t make movie stars like this anymore – male or female.

Brooke ShieldsDid you know Brooke pulled a “Yentl” in the movie “Sahara?” Neither did I.

Barbra StreisandOf course, nothing beats the real thing.

Anne HathawayUnsurprisingly, the woman who looks like a Disney princess in real life looks like a Disney prince in drag.

Natalie PortmanNow I’m thinking they missed a brilliant potential “mustache ride” scene in “Black Swan.”

Veronica WebbAlso unsurprisingly, beautiful models make handsome fellows.

Christy Turlington, Naomi Campbell & Linda EvangelistaVery handsome fellows.

Julie AndrewsNever mind raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, Julie in a suit and tie is more than a few of my favorite things.

Lady GagaWhen he’s not glowering ferociously at the world, that Mr. Calderone is one GQ motherfucker...

...But when he is he kind of looks like an extra from “The Outsiders.”

I've gotta Glee

OK, I admit it. I miss “Glee.” It has been gone for so long now. It’s been three whole months and there are still more than three weeks until it’s back. Sure, there were fun “Glee” diversions this summer. Dianna Agron wore that T-shirt that made the world (i.e. every single tumblesbian) explode. Naya Rivera and Heather Morris shared an on-stage kiss. The “Glee” movie bombed – despite the glory that was Heather and Naya gyrating in 3D. And we learned that basically the entire cast was definitely leaving after this season, or definitely not leaving, or getting a spin-off, or never getting a spin-off. In other words, same Ryan Murphy, different shit.

Since they released the first new promo for Season 3,I’ve felt the pang. I miss those adorable Glee kids, I really do. I have no idea what this season will bring. If the addition of the show’s first real writing staff (including two real, live women – one a lesbian even) will make a difference for the better. We can only hope that it does. But regardless, what I miss are the actors and their characters themselves. What is indisputably the hardest-working cast in Hollywood (they sing, they dance, they act, they go on tour) is what makes the show for me. And, of course, The Gay. Man, I miss The Gay. Give us Brittana and Faberry, Season 3, or give us a death by slushie. Though, even if they don’t, there are always the shipper vids. We love you, shipper vids.

p.s. Murder is bad. But Google sure is helpful.

Dancing Solo

Confirmed: Hope Solo will be on the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.” Also confirmed: Many, many more lesbians are going to watch the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.”

So the world’s most kick-ass goalie is going to be on the show with the shiny sequins and the crazy choreography. On the one hand, wow, guess this means I’m going to have to start watching “Dancing with the Stars.” On the other hand, dammit, guess this means I’m going to have to start watching “Dancing with the Stars.”

I do not watch, though I have caught a few performances over the years. What I’ve gleaned from those few minutes is that, um, isn’t Hope a little upscale for this show? Let’s be brutally honest, it’s usually people trying to revive their careers or people without real careers in the first place. I mean, Rob Kardashian and George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend are both on the show this season. Don’t get me wrong, I like Chaz Bono and Ricki Lake and Carson Kressley and mean them no disrespect as fellow castmates. But then there’s the little problem of Nancy Grace also being a contestant. I’m not sure I can in good conscience watch any show that features that woman. She makes me want to kill someone and get away with it, just to watch her head explode. (Just kidding, I do not want to kill anyone. But I do want kind of want to watch Nancy’s head explode.)

Then there’s the injury factor. Aren’t contestants getting hurt left and right every season on this show? Hope, girl, the 2012 London Olympics are less than a year away. We do not want to have our star goalie sidelined by a tragic cha-cha accident.

Man, I am being so gay about this news. I’ve processed like 100 emotions in four paragraphs. But in the end, I think I’m mostly happy Hope will get the exposure and hopefully it’ll shine more much-deserved light onto our amazing U.S. Women’s National Team. As Hope herself tweeted, it’s to raise awareness of women’s soccer. And that’s a good thing. Also a good thing, this means I have a perfectly valid excuse to post more pictures of Hope Solo.

My, what big hands you have.
Admittedly, these legs are going to look killer in heels.
Normally I hate midriff-baring dresses. This is not normally.
If I was one of Hope’s DWTS competitors, I would seriously consider forfeiting after seeing this picture.
Arm…
…porn…
…forever.
I take everything I said back. This is the best news ever. Also, DWTS costumers, please note that Hope should only ever appear in sleeveless gowns. That’s an order. It would be a sin to cover even a single centimeter of these guns. A sin against hotness.

Lesbians for Ezbian

We’re here, we’re queer, we’re Ezbian lovers! If you love “Pretty Little Liars.” Or if you love Anne Shirley and therefore anyone who looks like Gilbert Blythe. Or if you just love really awesome T-shirts. Man, do I have the deal for you. My genius friend Heather Hogan has made the cast and crew of “Pretty Little Liars” fans of her equally genius recaps. And, as fans of the recaps, they’ve come to know her recap lingo. Risen Mitten = A. Boo Radley Van Cullen = Toby Cavanaugh. Ezbian = Ezra Fitz, the Gilbert Blythe doppelganger with lesbian tendencies. And, you might also come to know that the cast is really responsive to fans. So after Ian Harding, who plays Ezra, gave his stamp of approval to the “Ezbian” label, naturally, a call for a T-shirt suggesting such was made.

Ian and TV lesbian Shay Mitchell provided the action shot.

Heather provided the T-shirt design.

And, voila, the official “Ezbian Loves Lesbians” T-shirt was born.

Not only is it a kick-ass T-shirt, it’s a kick-ass T-shirt for a good cause. Heather is donating all proceeds to The Trevor Project.

Buy your very own T-shirt here. Well, what are you waiting for? Show you Ezbian pride, ladies and discerning gentlemen.

p.s. In case you’re hankering for some TV lesbian on TV lesbian interaction, please relive the most cotton-mouth inducing scene in “Pretty Little Liars” history. How Samara had enough saliva left to utter a single word after that display, I have no idea.

p.p.s. Who wants to draft Heather into starting a T-shirt business? Accepting petition signatures below.

My Weekend Crush

Oh, Tallulah, Tallulah. I imagine that’s a phrase she heard quite a lot, that sexy minx. Famed for her love of life and love of many lovers – male and female – she once quipped, “My father warned me about men and booze, but he never mentioned a word about women and cocaine.” And, oh, the women: Greta Garbo, Joan Crawford, Marlene Dietrich, Eva Le Gallienne, Laurette Taylor, Patsy Kelly, Hattie McDaniel, Estelle Winwood, Mercedes de Acosta. Allegedly.

Witty, pretty and oh so gay, Tallulah was a provocateur of the most delicious kind. The self-described “pure as the driven slush” southern starlet came up during Hollywood’s Golden Age in the 20s. She was known as much for her outsized personality as her acting abilities. If she’d been alive today, I’d imagine her shenanigans alone could keep TMZ in business. I think she would have been a hell of a gal to know.

The film critic Rex Reed famously told a story about Tallulah and Joan Crawford that kind of says it all. Joan attended a party for Tallulah dressed in a gown covered in gold glitter. Tallulah took her up to the bedroom and slammed the door, only to emerge later – stark naked – with gold glitter covering her lady business. She went to the balcony overlooking the partygoers and announced “Guess who just went down on me?” Oh, Tallulah, Tallulah. Happy weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Leave Your Hat On

Hey, remember how much you all loved that picture of Hayley Atwell wearing a hat? You know the one, with the suspenders. And the tongue. Fine, OK, and the tank top. Yep, now you remember. Well, Hayley’s jaunty little chapeau got me thinking. Women should wear more hats. No, not like those crazy Kentucky Derby battleship headpieces or those even crazier royal wedding ornamental antler displays. I mean more traditional hats. Your fedoras. Your newsboy caps. Heck, even your top hats. If I wanted to wear a peacock on my head, I’d wear a peacock. But when I want to wear a hat, I wear a fucking hat. Like Queen B above, and these fine ladies below.

Evangeline LillyBeing stuck on that island all those years really robbed us of valuable time we could have been watching Evangeline wearing a tux and fedora.

Jennifer Jason LeighRemember back in the 90s when every movie either starred Jennifer Jason Leigh or Bridget Fonda, sometimes both?

Keeley HawesOh, Kitty, Kitty. You terrible, terrible heartbreaker.

Maria BelloIn the new “Prime Suspect” remake, the big controversy so far isn’t that she’s filling in for the formidable Helen Mirren – it’s that she wears that fedora.

Joan as Police WomanObligatory joke about how if she was a real police woman, I’d let her cuff me any day.

Audrey TautouIf Coco Chanel really made suits like this for women, I would so buy one. OK, not really. I’m a writer and couldn’t afford one. But I’d covet one, that’s for sure.

JD SamsonWho knows, maybe the garrison cap will make a comeback after.

Piper PeraboThey should make her wear more hats on “Covert Affairs.” Yep, definitely more hats.

Marlene Dietrich

Women, men, animals, minerals – take note. Now that’s how you wear a fucking hat.