Carmen not gay for Joan

Carmen Electra is not dating Joan Jett. I repeat, peoples of the internets, Carmen is not dating Joan. Despite those juicy rumors. Despite starring in the rocker’s ode to bisexuality “A.C.D.C.” Despite her falling down, clearly from love, at a fashion show, Carmen is not a gay lady. Or at least her rep says she is not. Of course, not everyone is convinced. Word on the lesbian street is that Carmen and Joan might make a splash together at Dinah Shore next weekend. I am trying to muster the energy to care. Must…muster… Must…muster… Damn, I can’t do it. I just don’t care. I mean, good for them if they are and if they aren’t then Joan Jett, call me. Seriously. I’m in the phonebook.

Fergie gets lesbalicious

Fergie is a lesbian. No -- wait, wait -- that came out wrong. Fergie is playing a lesbian in the Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez horror double feature “Grindhouse.” Whew, for a minute I was genuinely alarmed. As much as I like to throw a few Black Eyed Peas into the mix and (given the right amount of alcohol) will dance to some Fergalicious, Fergie the person does nothing for me. Nada. Zilch. Her face reminds me of a tomato, and that’s being somewhat uncharitable to the produce. (Oh, snap!) Yes, yes, I know that was mean. But her hyper-sexualized, hyper-hootchie image has the same effect on me as The Pussycat Dolls. Essentially, a shoulder shrug and an apathetic “Is that all there is?” Still, for what it’s worth, Stacy Ferguson has a small, but lesbian role in the new zombie/slasher exploitation extravaganza (thanks for the heads up, Scribe). As Fergie told Maxim, “Robert asked me if I had a problem playing a lesbian, and I was like, ‘Hell, no!’” If only Robert had asked me if I had a problem with Fergie playing a lesbian. Because I would have been like, “Hell, yes!”

The body as canvas

Skin + Ink = Yummy. How yummy? Go see for yourself.

Greetings, from ellen

Ellen wishes you a happy birthday. And hopes you get well soon. And thanks you for the gravy boat. The Great Panted One (TM pending) is coming to a greeting card near you. American Greetings announced that it is teaming up with Ellen DeGeneres to create a signature line of cards called the ellen collection (yes, lower caps -- yes, it’s very e e cummings). The 32-card collection will feature illustrations of Ellen giving her trademark, quirky observations on daily life and, one can assume, why they caused you to send your grandmother belated birthday greetings.

I can see it now: “So, I was went into Starbucks the other day. Man, it’s hard to order there. You need like an M.B.A., subway map and an Allen wrench just to place your order. And then the clerk repeats it back to you and corrects all your mistake anyway, because you still got it wrong and what’s with that attitude? Do they teach passive-aggressive condescension in employee training? If you can’t belittle while making change you don’t get a green apron. But, you know, I love my double-foam, non-fat, organic soy milk, venti cappuccinos. Cappucinos. Now there’s a funny word. My point, and I do have one, is that I was trying to order at Starbucks and it took me longer than expected, so I didn’t get your card in the mail on time. Happy Belated Birthday!”

I Hate Huckabees

Wow, well that seals it for me. I’m never going to see another David O. Russell movie again. What an amazing dickhead. Not only does the director explode on Lily Tomlin with a misogynistic temper tantrum on the set of “I Heart Huckabees,” he also throws, kicks and slams everything within arms reach. Real professional, dude. So is screaming, “YOU’RE A FUCKING GROWN UP! ACT LIKE A GROWN UP!” and “I NEVER FUCKING YELLED AT YOU!” Way to prove your point. You totally seem like a non-yelling grown up now. Of course, sadly, none of his behavior is unprecedented. He famously almost got into fisticuffs with George Clooney on the set of “Three Kings” over the director’s treatment of the cast. What an ass. Though through the whole ugly tirade, you’ve got to love Lily’s smart-ass retorts. Especially her last one after he yells at her that he isn’t yelling: “You set the yelling standard for the whole set.” You tell him, Edith Ann.

p.s. This clip is filled with the f-, b- and c-bombs, so grab your headphones if you are at work and suppress your gag reflex.
p.p.s Several of the versions were pulled from YouTube yesterday, so if the embed gets yanked, I’ll post a transcript later.

Hail, Britannia

Call it a case of serious Cool Britannia envy, but lately all I’ve been listening to are lovely London lasses. These days the most brash, most fun and most neo-feminist performers out there aren’t sassy yanks (sorry Pink, I know you’re trying to hold up your end), but outspoken Brits. Lasses like Amy Winehouse, Lily Allen and Lady Sovereign. Of course, this isn’t news to their fellow Englishmen and woman, or most Europeans. But stateside, many people are just catching on to these talents. What sets them apart from so many American stars is that while they party hard and look sexy (well, Sovereign looks butch, but lots of people find that sexy), they seem in control of their lives and images. OK, with all the gossip and reports about Winehouse, perhaps she should say “Yes, yes, yes” to that rehab stint.

Still, unlike the Britneys, Linsdays and Parises of the States, these women may be hot messes, but never victims. And, best of all, they aren’t manufactured products made by mega corporations for mass consumption (paging Jessica Simpson, Jessica Simpson, please use the white courtesy phone).You’ve got to love that. Plus, these birds can really sing.

Pre-L: Literary License to Kill

L411: “Literary License to Kill”
Just a reminder, season-ending spoilers here. Pre-cap below. And, major drama ahead.

1) Kit, still not a lesbian. Nice try, Papi.2) If these two get any cuter my head might explode.3) Jenny Schecter: 2 books; Me: not-so-buried resentment. 4) People are laughing at Bette. Sadly, not about her blouse.5) Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell sucks, really hard.6) Max’s company has a project called Egoboost. Quit now, man.7) Kate has a thing for Tina. And, apparently, eyeliner.8) Now this is a deal breaker. Welcome back to the fold, Tina.9) Max pulls a Bill Clinton with his intern. Thankfully, no cigars.10) “You are just dead fucking meat Jenny Schecter.” I’m feeling better about the whole book thing. A lot better.11) Alice chooses an unfortunate gift. And seems unclear on No. 5.12) A good argument against inter-office romances. Awkward. 13) Phyllis has a daughter. Yeah, that’s about it.14) Bette and Tina act like old friends and lovers. About time.15) Shane surprises Paige.16) Then Tasha shocks Alice.New Guestbian Count: 0
Best Line (Possibly Ever, Part II): “This writer is completely incompetent.” - Kate’s manager about Jenny
Why Grammar Matters: “That’s not even grammatically correct. Fucking idiot.” - Bette about “Lez Girls”
Can I Get An Amen: “Once a lesbian, always a lesbian.” - Henry to Tina
Guest Artist Alert: Hey, look, Goldfrapp.

My Weekend Crush

Michelle Pfeiffer, girl, where you been? It’s been five years since you last graced us with your big screen presence. And now you’re back with not one, not two, but three films this year. First comes the May-December romantic comedy “I Could Never Be Your Woman” with Paul Rudd and Tracey Ullman (who plays Mother Nature. Yeah, I don’t get it either). Also slated is the fairy tale fantasy “Stardust” with Robert De Niro and Claire Danes (Oh Angela Chase, sigh). You round it all out with the all-singing, all-dancing remake of the John Waters-film-turned-Broadway-musical “Hairspray.” Yesterday, you showed up at ShowWest with Hairspray cohorts like John Travolta and Queen Latifah. And, dang it, if you didn’t outshine them all. At 48 you look, well, I’m not sure good even covers it. Or great. Or amazing. I’m going to have to go with me-owww! Happy weekend, all.

Carmen goes boom

Why? Because it’s funny when someone falls down. And it’s really funny when that someone is famous, like Carmen Electra. So when two people fall down, it’s comedy gold. Gold, I tell you, gold.

Bringing Ugly Back

“Ugly Betty” returns tonight with a fresh new episode after a month of repeats. I know it has only been a month, but hasn’t the world seemed just a little less fabulous without your weekly dose of Bettyliciousness? I mean, a month without any of Betty’s big-braced smiles. A month without any withering Wilhelmina put downs. A month without any of office sycophants Marc and Amanda’s evil scheming. And, a month without gay-in-training Justin breaking into showtunes. Now, that is one long month.

In the meantime, the “Ugly Betty” phenomena keeps on rolling. Show executive producer and guest star Salma Hayek announced her pregnancy and engagement (somewhere Penelope Cruz is weeping into her pillow...) Plus Entertainment Weekly put Betty on its cover. But, seriously EW, don’t you think it’s a little premature to worry about the show jumping the shark? Damn, give them at least one season before you start the hand wringing. So much for the afterglow.

Buffy #1: Get thee to a comic shop

Today is the day. The day Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans have dreamed about since May 20, 2003. That’s right, Buffy is back. The first issue of Joss Whedon’s Season 8 hits stores today. OK, fine, she is looking a little one-dimensional these days. But don’t hold her comic book constraints against her. The girl’s still got it.

A refresher for those playing at home: When last we saw her, our gal Buffy was standing at the edge of the swallowed Hellmouth, bruised but definitely not broken. She had defeated The First and changed the world. Plus, she wasn’t the only Chosen One anymore. And, damn if she didn’t look pleased as peach about it.The comic opens a year later. Buffy is back in the Buffy business, but now she has an army of slayers working with her. The Scooby Gang has impressive new toys, (high-tech command center and, wait, is that a helicopter?) but the mission is the same. Kill the things that go “Grrr Arrgh” in the night (and day). What can you expect from the new Buffy? A lot of the same Joss magic we know and love. Much making with the funny coupled with high-flying action. The first issue is very much an appetizer. Not all the Scoobies are seen and a potential big bad is only hinted at. But, whatever, I’m just glad to see her again. Welcome back, Buffy.Just to put you in the mood, here is the last scene from the series finale, “Chosen.” Seriously, what are you waiting for? Get your ass to the comic book store now.

Maggie finds her Dark Knight

Maggie Gyllenhaal is the new Katie Holmes. Wait, that didn’t sound right. The new mom and wife of similarly vowel-hogging actor Peter Sarsgaard is in final talks to take over for Mrs. Tom Cruise in The Dark Knight, the new Batman sequel. Maggie will play D.A. Rachel Dawes, the love interest to Christian Bale’s Bruce Wayne/Batman. Katie Holmes dropped out because of Scientology, I mean, scheduling conflicts.

With Maggie’s addition the film’s indie street cred for goes through the roof. Not only are Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine and Gary Oldman returning, but Heath Ledger will play the Joker and Aaron Eckhart will do double-duty as D.A. Harvey Dent and the villainous Two-Face. Maggie has had an interesting career so far including her breakout star turn in 2002’s “Secretary,” a quirky S&M romantic dramedy (wow, how many other films can be described that way?). Still after a string of strong indie parts and a few mainstream supporting roles, she has yet to make it to blockbuster land. This might be just the bat to take her there.

Don’t be afraid to let them show

Cyndi Lauper’s song “True Colors” always puts a little catch in my throat. To my ears, it’s one of the clearest, purest declarations of love in all its many forms out there. Each time I hear it, it moves me anew. So I was thrilled to hear that Cyndi, who has been a longtime gay rights activist, is taking her message on the road on the new True Colors Tour. The 15-city tour will raise awareness about gay rights and funds for the Human Rights Campaign.

But wait, there’s more. Not only will the fabulous Ms. Lauper be headlining, along for the ride are a virtual pantheon of gay icons and performers: Debbie Harry, Erasure, The Dresden Dolls, The Gossip and The Misshapes. Popping up at select dates will be Rufus Wainwright, Rosie O’Donnell and the Indigo Girls. And emceeing the whole shebang will be - wait for it, wait for it - Margaret FUCKING Cho! I am doing all I can right now to suppress girlish squeals of glee.The tour coincides with Pride celebrations across the country. It starts its run June 8 in Las Vegas and finished up June 30 in Los Angeles. A portion of the proceeds go to the Human Rights Campaign. The project is also partnered with the Matthew Shepard Foundation, PFLAG and Logo. Hey, I kinda work for them. Yeah, I’m fairly certain that won’t help me score any tickets.

Regardless, it sounds like a fantastic idea (though I’m not sure how many straight audience members they’ll get; that’s a pretty gay lineup). And, just in case you’d forgotten, “True Colors” is an amazing song and Cyndi is a pretty amazing woman.

You gotta have Faith

Eliza Dushku will soon be slaying us again in a new TV series. No, not as a rogue vampire slayer who has a thing for leather. No, not as a nightshift morgue worker who rescues the newly deceased. And - sadly - no, not as a badass cheerleader who happens to be particularly bendy… Wait, sorry, I’m back.

No, Eliza has signed on to play Eve, the lead on the new hospital dramedy “Nurses” for Fox. Faith, a nurse? Well, we know she is not squeamish about blood. But, perhaps, she should work on her bedside manner. She looks a little aggressive with that needle.

Pre-L: Little Boy Blue

L410 - “Little Boy Blue”

Looking for the end-of-season spoilers? Look here. Looking for a clever, concise preview of this week’s episode? Well, damn, I don’t know where you should look. But, keep reading nonetheless.

1) Dyke drama is dyke drama, no matter the language.
2) Max goes home to the house of pain.3) Paige wishes that ice cream cone was really Shane. Me too.4) Is this Law & Order? Det. Barek gives Tina the hairy eyeball.5) Jodi learns about the madness of Alpha Bette. One word: lists.6) With suitors like these, no wonder Kit drinks.7) The ladies go to the races. Run ponies run.8) Helena and Catherine get things racing too, like their blood.9) Bette has a dinner party. Guest list: new couples + crazy Jenny.10) Yeah, you kinda knew that wasn’t going to end well.

New Guestbian Count: 1
[Annabella Sciorra as Kate Arden, the new “Lez Girls” director]
Best Reason to Have Jenny Around: “Invite the little dark twisted one, she amuses me.” - Catherine
Test This Theory: “Gay girls want monkeys as children and straight girls want horses.” - Jenny

My Weekend Crush

All this focus on the 12th letter of the alphabet (and more coming tomorrow) got me thinking about other TV shows I’ve slavishly watched in the recent past. There was Buffy, of course, and Sex and the City. My So-Called Life and Wonderfalls (all four aired episodes, thank you box sets). And then, there was Daria. That Daria Morgendorffer. She was smart, dark and snarky before snarky was cool. Plus, did anyone else secretly wish she would hook up with Jane? Daria was the show’s alienated, sarcastic, misanthropic, combat-boot wearing heart. Some called her The Misery Chick, I called her a role model. And, for those keeping score at home, I realize I’ve picked two fictional characters in a row as My Weekend Crush. What can I say, reality is overrated. Happy weekend, all.

Welcome to Spoilerdome

OK folks, I got your L Word season-ending spoilers right here. Beware all who enter. Rough seas ahead. And by rough, I mean a Max sex scene. In all seriousness, if you do not want to be spoiled for the remainder of season 4, STOP READING NOW! I mean it. This is not a drill. The shit is going down. Right, so everyone still here has been warned. And now I’ll go over the rules. Yes, there are rules. There are always rules.

1. If you plan to repost this information, please attribute and link. It’s only polite.
2. Please link back instead of taking or reposting any of the photos (with ditto on the attribution/linkage). Also, I’m making the big spoiler screencaps click-to links. Otherwise, it would be too easy to casually spoil innocent bystanders.
3. I’m going to go by character/couple instead of episode. If you want episode-specific spoilers, come back Saturdays for my Pre-L pre-caps in advance of the Sunday shows.
4. I’d be happy to clear up any confusion on the items posted here, but if you want additional spoilers please come back Saturdays. I’ve received tons of individual requests and, while I don’t mind feeding people’s insatiable appetites for L Word minutiae, I do have other activities I need to participate in on a daily basis. Ping pong comes to mind.

And away we go, in alphabetical order:

Alice/Tasha -- All is going well (and super cute, look at them on that bike!) until Alice gives Tasha an engraved watch. The watch triggers a flashback to the death of a friend in Iraq, and Tasha storms out. Alice goes to confront her on the base, which doesn’t go well since Tasha has already been warned by her superiors to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Have a Life. Later, Tasha shows up at Alice’s apartment and drops a bomb: she is shipping back to Iraq. They fight about her deployment - Alice says she should get out of it and Tasha says she doesn’t want to get out of it. Tasha invites Alice to her going away party, but Alice waffles. Then a surprise visit from an old friend talks her out of her stupidity (God, I’ve missed her). Alice goes to the party and she and Tasha cuddle on the beach until the sun rises. Sigh.
Helena/Catherine -- Helena descends deeper and deeper into the world of gambling (and kept womanhood) with Catherine. She decides to play the ponies, on Catherine’s tip, and loses all the money she had planned to invest in Alice’s Chart. The girls begin to question their relationship. Helena insists that it’s OK, but continues to be her gopher --her sexy gopher. Catherine agrees to host Tasha’s going away party at her beach house and later that night gives Helena an intriguing offer. She wants to wager on how long Shane and Paige will stay together. If Catherine wins, Helena must be her servant/sex slave for a year. If she loses, Helena gets a $1 million. Instead, after Catherine leaves, Helena opens the safe and takes all the cash. Show her the money, indeed.
Jenny -- Jenny and Tina finally meet the right director, Kate (Annabella Sciorra), who is hot off a successful indie film. Not to mention, just plain hot. Meanwhile, Jenny’s book “Lez Girls” is published and causes quite a stir, most notably for Bette who is - shall we say - not amused. Of course, this being Jenny, she descends into her own special spiral of crazy. In her case it involves being unable to write an intelligible script, getting herself another dog (named, yes, Sounder) and storming uninvited into a story meeting in full bitch mode. She also has some insane theory about lesbians all wanting pet monkeys as children. Any takers? She gets canned from the film and decides to take a dingy out on the water during Tasha’s farewell party. When last we see her she is adrift on the ocean. Symbolism much?
Jodi/Bette -- Bette plans a big dinner party to introduce Jodi to the gang. This being Bette, she descends into her own special spiral of crazy. In her case it involves making lists (and copies of lists), poring over seating arrangements and micromanaging the fun out of everything. During the party, she can’t stop herself from answering for Tina, translating for Jodi and attacking Kit for her drinking. Jodi confronts her and leaves. Later, Bette is also royally pissed off by Jenny’s book. Jenny’s characterization of her causes a commotion around campus. Then, Jodi is chosen to create an outdoor sculpture for an art center in New York and accepts. Bette learns about this via a memo read by Phyllis. She doesn’t attend the going away reception and by the time she decides to make up Jodi is packed and on a plane (wow, these academic types move fast…they‘re like Special-Ops). On advice from Tina (more on that below) Bette takes a chance and goes for a grand romantic gesture to win her back. She steals a large sign Jodi has always admired that reads “17 Reason Why” from an abandoned building with help from accomplices Alice and Shane. She then shows up to Jodi’s rural New York work site towing the reassembled sign behind her on a tractor. Jodi tells her not to break her heart and they kiss down on the farm.
Kit/Papi/Angus -- Kit’s downward spiral with the bottle continues. At the dinner party, Bette chides her for drinking and Kit storms out with Papi in tow. Then Kit tries on a little lesbianism for size with her new mack daddy puppy dog, but it doesn’t fit. Later at the Planet, Kit hits bottom after snorting nose candy and asks Angus for help. When last we see her, a more sober Kit is walking along the beach with Papi on one arm and Angus on the other. Talk about a bizarre love triangle.
Max/Grace -- Max goes home for his mother’s funeral with Grace at his side. Predictably, this goes badly. While he is rejected at first by his family, his father makes a sort of peace with him. But Max decides, ultimately, to not attend the burial and watches from afar. Back in LA, he finally quits his job after continued slights and backstabbing. Alas, this does not end the inane computer speak since Grace and Max keep working on the Chart. And in between tech geekery, they get it on like Donkey Kong. Grace’s acceptance of Max’s body makes him reconsider his double mastectomy.
Phyllis -- She reads Jenny’s “Lez Girls” and wants to know if it’s all true about Bev and the plumber. Then her daughter Molly arrives with Leonard to convince her she is not gay. She runs off with the divorce lawyer instead. Gee, who could that be?
Shane/Paige -- They should rename the show “Naked Time with Shane and Paige.” Shane plans a surprise birthday party for Paige at the Planet. She also thinks about settling down, buying a house and raising the kiddies in the burbs. Who is this Shane person? They struggle with how to break the relationship to Jared, Paige’s son, who isn’t too keen on mom being a big ol’ lez. During a roll in the proverbial hay, Shane imagines how their shiny, smiling life would be together. She as the buttoned-down bread winner. Paige as the happy homemaker. And Shay and Jared as their Leave it to Beaver boys. They then go to Tasha’s party very much a couple. Seriously, who is this Shane person?
Tina/Bette -- Lord, where do I start? Bette, under Jodi’s advice, invites Tina to her dinner party and she, in turn, decides to bring Kate. Oh, her and Henry end their heterosexual charade. Good riddance. The dinner goes badly, as expected. Later, Tina comforts Bette about the breakup with Jodi. They talk like exes who are still friends really talk and then share a lovely, quiet hug. Tina realizes she would like to get back together, but thinks it is too late because Bette has met her match in Jodi. Instead, she helps Bette win her back. First she Cyrano de Bergeracs an email to Jodi for Bette that admits all her micromanaging, belittling, putting people in a box ways. Then she suggests a grand romantic gesture in lieu of boring old flower. Bette, in turn, thinks Tina isn’t interested in getting back together because she is helping her get back with Jodi. She asks Tina for one more piece of advice: What to tell Jodi when she gives her the sign? Then Tibetters hear the words they’ve longed for since season 2, “I never should have let you go.” Alas, context. Context.
Tina/Kate -- Tina and Kate get some serious flirt on. Kate makes her intentions pretty clear, but Tina is reluctant though not uninterested. No kissing. No sex. A little hand-holding. A lot more ogling. I hope we see more of Kate next season cause, uh, damn.

Finally, the season finale ends with Pink’s “Dear Mr. President” playing in the background. Yes, this is a political statement. No, it’s not subtle. But, hey, it’s a damn good song. Expect much more drama to come because the L Word was officially greenlit for a season five yesterday. And I’m done. Hope you enjoyed the show.

UPDATE: A few quick points: 1) These spoilers are for the last three episodes, not just the finale. 2) Specific episode spoilers are posted in the Pre-L caps on Saturdays. 3) I have NO SPOILERS WHATSOEVER on season 5 other than that it just got approved. Production begins this summer. 4) Don’t forget to click on the highlighted links for big-time spoiler pics. And 5) Don’t be shy, leave a comment. Consider it your way of tipping your server.