Just Peachy

For the rest of his miserable life, and until the end of time, Donald J. Trump will have the word “IMPEACHED” next to his name in the history books. No matter what else happens, that is a reason to celebrate. For the very first time ever, this man of unspeakable privilege and unprecedented pettiness will finally face an irreversible consequence for his perpetually corrupt actions. Will he ultimately get removed from office? Well, not unless Senate Republicans suddenly find their moral compass. So, you know, not bloody likely. But, and this cannot be repeated enough, he is only the third president in history of this entire country to be impeached. So forever his name – which he obviously has an outsized obsession with what with his slapping it on everything that isn’t (and sometimes is) moving – will have an asterisk next to it. And that asterisk will say, “Fuck yeah, we impeached that motherfucker.”

p.s. Oh, and to all those GOP congressman whining that impeachment is trying to overturn the votes of 63 million Americans, I know 66 million Americans who feel exactly like this right now.



p.p.s. Also, read the damn Constitution and realize how the line of succession works, you sycophantic dumbasses.

p.p.p.s. And, the cherry on top is Tulsi voted “present” on both articles of impeachment. Which is pretty brave for a member of the Republican Party, don’t you think? Kidding, she’s obviously Russian. (Oh, and Stan, imma delete all your utterly bananapants comments when I see them because I want to and I can. Have a nice day!)

Shrilling Back

Look, more things to look forward to in 2020. Granted, we’ll need so many (many, many, many) more good things to get through what will no doubt be even more of a hellscape presidential election, but I digress. So the second good thing to happen in January is the return of “Shrill.” I’ve only recently watched the first season - because too much TV always. But, goodness, was it good. Like our beloved Kate, Aidy Bryant has always been too good for SNL. In Shrill, she gets to shine as a fully realized, not to mention highly relatable character. Based on the memoir “Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman” by Lindy West, the series follows Aidy as “Annie” as she learns to embrace her own power and worth and slay the world’s trolls. Besides just being well done and all-around funny, it’s the rare series that celebrates women of different shapes and sizes. Oh, and her best friend/roommate is a lesbian so have I convinced you to watch yet? Oh, you already have. Well, let’s watch the second season together then.

p.s. I know we’re supposed to find her doofus boyfriend endearing in his very oblivious way, but man does that man have a lot more work to do to deserve it.

Awkwafunny New Show

Thanks to Cate Blanchett (because, shouldn’t every post start out with thanking Cate Blanchett?), I am a big fan of Awkwafina. I first saw her in “Ocean’s 8” with La Blanchett and and then “Crazy Rich Asians” last year and then “The Farewell” (which you should definitely, definitely see) this year. And now I’m super stoked (Do the kids still say that? Whatever, I do) to see she is going to star in the new Comedy Central series “Nora from Queens.” How stoked? Awkwafina plays a stoner in arrested development who still lives with her family including BD Wong (from Law & Order: SUV) as her father and Lori Tan Chinn (the commissary lady from OITNB) as her grandmother. Oh, and Bowen Yang (the best thing about the new SNL season, aside from Kate McKinnon per usual) and Natasha Lyonne also appear? Come on, I’m in. What I like besides a) all the wonderful Asian representation, is b) it fills the big, bong-shaped hole in my heart since “Broad City” left. So, you know, let’s find some purpose together in 2020, dumb bitches.

Hallmark Movies Suck Anyway

Wow. I can really see why Hallmark Channel wouldn’t want to air this truly offensive and utterly outrageous advertisement featuring a lesbian couple getting married. I mean, the gall! Like they kissed on the lips at the altar. Disgusting! After committing their lives to one another in a legal wedding ceremony. Horrific! And then, then one of them kissed the other’s hand as they walk down the aisle as wife-and-wife. Unconscionable!

Oh, wait, sorry. Scratch that and reverse it. It’s truly offensive and outrageous, galling and disgusting, horrific and unconscionable that the Hallmark Channel should pull this totally innocuous, feel-good and might I remind everyone totally legal in all 50-states TV spot that featured two lesbians getting married.

And yet, they did*. The TV channel known for making truly cheesy movies about straight couples falling in love in every possible setting imaginable apparently thinks lesbians getting married is a bridge too far. The channel bowed to pressure by the ultra-conservative group One Million Moms and pulled the ads in question from the wedding planning site Zola, while leaving up nearly identical ads featuring straight couples doing the same apparently offensive kissing and committing their lives to one another. Hmm, what could the difference be? It’s so hard to know.

The good news is, no one needs to watch - or should watch - Hallmark movies anyway. Particularly during the holiday season when the channel has made a cottage industry out of cranking out truly cheesy Christmas-themed straight romances.

So may I humbly suggest these movies, all featuring queer female couples kissing and falling in love during the holidays.

Season of Love



This movie from the lesbian-owned and operated production company Tello Films is the holiday lesbian romance you wish Hallmark would air, but clearly won’t.

Let It Snow


This lovely ensemble Netflix film is a bit like “Love, Actually,” but set in small-town America with teenagers – including a same-sex female couple – and plenty of holiday romance.

Carol



This is the O.G. lesbian holiday movie. Be sure to give it a rewatch on Netflix Dec. 21, a.k.a. Carol Aird Day. If Cate Blanchette using her Carol voice doesn’t immediately get you feeling, uh, merry and bright, then I cannot help you. I mean, they aren’t called Christmas Carols for nothing, right ladies?

*UPDATE: I was offline all of yesterday, but it appears later Sunday night Hallmark indeed reversed this decision. Which is good. But this never should have been controversial in the first place. And Hallmark has still never made a LGBTQ holiday romcom, so my suggestions very much still stand.

Pre-L: Less is More

Finally, we answer the age-old question, “Who killed Jenny Schecter?” And, you know, a lot of gay ladies do a lot of gay stuff. Oh, “The L Word," how we have missed your incredibly gay shenanigans.

1. When Tig Notaro figures out what Alice has been doing with her wife.


2. When the coffee definitely tastes like poopy shit.


3. When you are no Shane McCutcheon.


4. When you’re the Queen of the F-Bombs but have to pretend you aren’t for The Children.


5. When you’re worried the plant you brought to your new job is a little too Georgia O’Keeffe.


6. When your new boss reassures you it’s just Georgia O’Keeffe enough.


7. Sure fingers are fine…


…but tongues are better.


8. Straight white men discussing lesbian representation on television.


9. All these years later I still need to look up how to spell Schecter, too.


10. Remember when I had a kid brother for like a season?


11. I’m pretty sure there’s more diversity in this one scene than in some entire seasons of the original “The L Word.”


12. We pitched the reboot as a gritty lesbian buddy cop show with a grizzled veteran and a naïve rookie, but the network wouldn’t go for it.


13. Girl, same for “Sense8.” Stupid networks.


14. I still can’t believe they killed Dana either.


15. My research for playing a lesbian? Well, I played Ellen Page’s best friend in “Juno,” does that count?


16. Now I know there’s more diversity in this one scene than in some entire seasons of the original “The L Word.”


17. They’re no TiBette, but dammit I’m still rooting for them.


18. They’re no TiBette either…

Gender Fuck Thursday: JLo Edition

I don’t know what otherworldly magics/incredible genes/hard work Jennifer Lopez is employing, but damn is it workings. I mean, dayuuuuum. She hosted “Saturday Night Live” over the weekend and legit the first three sketches were all about how attractive she is. I am in no way kidding. About her attractiveness or the redundancy of the sketches. But then, she did come out to do her opening monologue in this tuxedo.

Which then turned into some high kicks with The Rockettes.



Which then turned into her wearing That Green Dress.



So, then, I guess I can’t blame the SNL writers for being redundant. JLo is just that damn hot.

p.s. I finally saw “Hustlers” and she is very, very good in this movie. And, no, I’m not just talking about that dance scene.

Flirty Lesbian Dancing

So late last month a clip went viral from “Flirty Dancing,” a British dating show that has two strangers meet on a blind date and instead of getting dinner they perform an elaborate choreographed dance together. Yes, you read that right. The viral clip featured a gay male couple dancing it up for love. Not to be left out, the show recently had a lesbian couple on - Faye and Sarah. And, kittens, it looked amazing. AMAZING.Faye even calls herself The Gay Bridget Jones. And (spoilers) they decided to go on another date. Basically we all just witnessed the meet-cute lesbian rom-com of our dreams.

(5) the date - they both turned up! pic.twitter.com/fxPRU78Gss

— Jonesy (@107Beth) December 3, 2019

p.s. Of course, there’s going to be an American version coming to Fox which we’ll bollocks up somehow. I just hope it has gay couples, too. But from the 30-second preview, it looks incredibly straight. Please, they know that dancing is our thing.

Like, Totally Wonder Woman

That was – as the kids in 1984 would say – totally tubular. The new “Wonder Woman”/”Stranger Things” trailer has me all jazzed to jump in my DeLorean and go to the mall. I have no idea how Steve Trevor is back, and still young and hot. And I’m not fooled by Kristen Wiig, that woman is a Cheetah in nerd’s clothing. I thought “Wonder Woman” was an excellent superhero movie – one of my favorites. And with Patty Jenkins and Gal Gadot teaming up again my hopes are just as high.

And the trailer even gives us a tantalizing glimpse of Themyscira. Though, with all due respect to the cowbell, this trailer needs more Amazons. But then, really, everything could use more amazon. Bitchin’ soundtrack though. And this new battle armor is so freakin rad. So rad.

Post-L: Let Me Have It

So, what did you think? I thought we’d take a little space to process because it’s called “The L Word” after all and that’s what lesbians do. So, did you like it? Did you hate it? Was it a big meh for you? Or were you just so happy to see Jennifer Beals, Leisha Hailey and Kate Moennig all having brunch together again?

I have rewatched the first three episodes multiple times now...for science. And, yeah, I like it. It’s not terrible or a disaster or horrendous - which is always a plus. The tone is definitely a little different - less soapy, less campy and as a result a little less fun (at least for now). But I appreciate the relative lack of ridiculous, nonsensical drama (i.e. basically every Jenny storyline) for now. And I feel it’s making an earnest effort to be inclusive (though, still no hard butches and not a lot of varying body types because, you know, Hollywood).

You can read my full review here, if you haven’t already. So, have at it. I want to hear it. Is Generation Q for you?

p.s. I still hate the name, but you know I’m cranky that way.

Pre-L: Let's Do It Again

Here we go, lesbians (and bisexuals and trans folks a d gender queers and nonbinary people and curious straight ladies and all the rest of the gay alphabet). It’s baaaaaaaack! In this era of the reboot and revival, it only makes sense for “The L Word” to return. But, of course, it remains to be seen how “essential” queer women find the show now 10 years after it left the air. I can remember it being played in gay clubs and lesbian bars. (Remember lesbians bars? Sigh.) But now, with so much more TV to watch and many more LGBTQ characters incorporated into other shows, the hunger for lesbian representation – while in no way sated – is somewhat less ravenous. But the built-in affection we feel for the core characters, at least for me, is no less insatiable. So I’m tickled to see these women on my television again, like hugging and old friend you’ve lost touch with for a decade but used to spend every waking moment with when you were younger.

Now, the only question – beside, of course, whether you like it – is whether my Pre-L writing muscles are still in any kind of shape. We shall see on both. So without further adoing, the return of Pre-Ls. As always, spoilers. And NSFW because this is a show about women who do it – finally.

1. I told it started with a wham, bam, Tampon ma’am.


2. Are underarm merkins a thing? Someone call Stacy “Vagina Wig” Merkin to check.


3. Bette’s house did a glow-up.


4. I’d say the same of Bette, but we all know Bette has always glowed.


5. And Angie, well, she just did a grow-up.


6. What does “Bette on Porter” mean? Is Porter a new hot carpenter?


7. Look, I can’t believe I’m Mrs. Mom-ing either, but here we are.


8. Shane…


… gotta Shane.


9. No, I don’t know why I’m a hairstylist and I still have the same haircut 10 years later either. Just hug me.


10. So, does anyone miss Jenny? No? No. Got it.


11. Straight Bette Porter mention, everybody drink!


12. When Gay Bette Porter…


…blows up your whole damn world.


13. Does Elizabeth Warren have these kinds of problems?


14. Helena? Max? Tasha? I have no idea who you’re talking about.


15. When the show left the air 10 years ago, LGBTQ people couldn’t legally get married. Change happens when we make it happen.


16. But we can still get legally fired for being LGBTQ in 28 states. So, yeah, change can be slow as fuck too.


17. I sure hope that coffee doesn’t taste like poopy shit.


18. Recasting Alice with Harry Caray was a bold artistic choice.


19. That face. That face is worth waiting 10 years for.


p.s. The Pre-Ls will continue as long as the screeners continue. So fingers crossed.

Gender Fuck Thursday: The Doctor Edition

Well, now, the Doctor definitely has my attention. The new season of “Doctor Who” returns New Year’s Day and I can’t wait. And not just because the Thirteenth Doctor is back sporting a tuxedo (with, I think, culottes?) Never the less, Jodie Whittaker has been a true delight. And the multiple companions actually kinda worked. Also, did I mention there’s a tuxedo?



Right, sorry, more reasons to cheer for the new season, it has added three new female writers and two new female directors. For what it’s worth previous Who showrunner Russell T Davies only had three women write/direct during his entire five-year run on the series. So, like I was saying, more reasons to be happy in 2020. Well, that, and we get to ride in The Doctor’s box which *eyebrow wiggle* What? Sorry, it was right there and she did put on a tuxedo so clearly I had no choice.