My Weekend Crush

I don’t watch “The Good Wife” on a regular basis. I’m more about watching the front end of the law (crime procedurals) than the back end (legal dramas). But I have caught the show on occasion and marveled at the cool, calm and calculating customer that is Kalinda. Those knee-high boots, those mini skirts, those leather jackets. Yum. Her mystery and sexual ambiguity only adds to her allure. Is she, isn’t she? Well, after this week I’d say she definitely is. Also, let’s be honest, that kiss was fucking hot.

The revelations about her past with Donna (played by my eternal favorite Lili “Joe Lies” Taylor) pealed back an interesting layer to the Kalinda mystique to show us something we’ve almost never seen on her. Panic. Beneath those immaculately arched eyebrows flashed panic at revealing something, losing control. Fascinating stuff. And it was all expertly played by Archie Panjabi, who should have a hell of an Emmy clip reel to submit while going for the repeat. It’s not often you see someone who can be elegant, inscrutable and bad-ass all at once. But she pulls it off with style to spare. Just whatever you do, don’t let her near your car. Happy weekend, all.

Come on. Cake.

True story: I feel asleep last night (basically comaed out) after an hour-long fit of hysterical laughter brought on by reading damnyouautocorrect.com. As an iPhone user, the site is basically every text conversation I’ve ever had. My sister has become so skilled at deciphering my texts that the occasional use of the work of “vaginal” instead of “annual” doesn’t even phase her anymore. Though, on occasion when the predictive text just won’t stop fucking with me, she does have to ask, “Um, have you just have a stroke?” So, this is sort of a long way of saying I’m sorry I didn’t have a post up this morning. Instead, please let me gift you with the joy of laughter. First enjoy a few very funny, very charming ladies. And then, because laughing like a drunken monkey at your screen while co-workers look on is a rite of passage in this Internet age, please enjoy a couple choice examples from damnyouautocorrect.com. You’re gonorrhea.

Hillary Clinton

When Hillary turns on the charm, it dazzles. Also, I would happily write a thank you note were anyone to send me gravy chips. Just sayin’.

Tina Fey

Finally, a definitive end to the cake or pie questions. (My better half Tina won the Mark Twain Prize for Comedy this week, which will air Sunday on PBS. Swoon.)

From Damn You, Auto Correct!
[Click to embiggen the L to the OLs]
Anal birds really are the worst.

Kiss this

Oh, Glee. You are like that crazy best friend who usually makes you do ridiculous things, but then sometimes surprises you with insights. That and who won’t stop singing. The thing about this show is it often makes no sense. It’s not about linear storytelling or realistic character development. But that doesn’t make it bad necessarily, it just makes it different. I enjoy Glee for specific reasons – unabashed escapism, fantasy fodder, jazz hands. Yet, in other ways it is the most sneakily subversive show on television. While it wears its outsider status proudly, it’s still just really an awkward gay kid struggling to make it through another day any way it can.

Its popularity makes it an easy target. But criticizing the show because of its lack of sophisticated narrative is like shooting fish in a barrel. Of course it doesn’t, that’s not the point. Does that drive a person crazy sometimes? Yes, like what kind of school allows a full-grown man and teacher to perform sexily alongside his underage students? Where is the money for their elaborate costumes keep coming from? Who plays the steel drums in high school? But we keep watching for the fabulosity and the unequivocal championing of the underdog. I’m not a fan of the “A Very Special Episodes” because I think the message is often too heavy handed. And, yes, parts of this week’s “powerful new Glee” were indeed heavy-handed and even cringe-worthy (all that girls like it when you’re mean to them stuff – really?) But parts were unexpected and, dare I say it, deeply moving.

A reviewer recently called Kurt Hummel the most important character on television right now, and he may well be right. While we’ll never be able to scientifically quantify the impact of seeing an out actor play an out high school student with the grace and power of Chris Colfer, make no mistake, it matters. It matters to a scared gay teen who gets tormented in the hallways every day. It matters to the gay adult who finally gets to see his or her adolescence replayed to them on the television. It makes a difference because we love Kurt, we hate his pain, we want things to get better.

The look on Kurt’s face when he sees the all-boys school utopia of tolerance? Heart melting. The look on Kurt’s face when his closeted bully slams him into the locker once again? Heartbreaking.

The homophobic bully who turns out to be a scared homosexual in particular was effective. Sure, it’s been done before. But as every scandal about a bigoted senator/pastor/whathaveyou who turns out to be secretly gay proves, often the roots of homophobia come from deep-seated self hatred.

In the episode’s secondary never-been-kissed storyline, poor Coach Beiste is everyone’s “cooler.” Dot Jones is lovely, bringing layers of sensitivity to what might otherwise be a one-note role. I actually wanted Mr. Shue to kiss her. She deserves it (in fact, she deserves better – Mr. Shue is kind of a tool).

The thing is, Glee needs to work on a lot of things. And there are a million storylines that make me want to go get a sandwich (Finn/Rachel, Sam/Quinn, and for the love of God, stop having Artie say “Yo!”) But when it gets things right, I’m proud to watch. Those leather pants the girls wore last night really didn’t hurt either. Also, Grilled Cheesus, do I love Brittana. (Much more on how much I heart them here.)

p.s. I reserve the right to take back everything I just said if Ryan Murphy puts Brittany and Artie together. I’m serious, I will burn the place down.

p.p.s. Dude, Kurt had 124 unread messages? He is worse than me.

Tank Top Tuesday: Country Gals

I won’t lie, I’m not much for country music – particularly contemporary country music. I grew up in an area where a large chunk the school listened to country music with Skoal rings in their back pockets. And most of those folks wanted little to do with the nerdy little Asian girl with glasses. So, no, there are no “Nothing runs like a Deere” caps in my closet. But now, thanks to the great healers known as time and distances, I can appreciate that other people may love and enjoy country music. Sure, the only contemporary country on my iPod right now is the copy of Chely Wright’s “Lifted Off the Ground” out of lesbo solidarity. But thanks to country gals’ penchant for tight jeans and even tighter tank tops, I totally understand how many a gay gal could swoon.

Jennifer NettlesToo bad she didn’t bring along former Sugarland member and gay lady Kristen Hall for tank top support.

Carrie UnderwoodA girl, a dog and a tank top. God bless America.

Hillary ScottThank you for the tank top. Please stop making my radio station play “I Need You Now.”

Taylor SwiftI actually interviewed her a couple of years ago and she was lovely and gracious and composed. So she can spin whatever fairytale she wants in my book.

Miranda LambertWhen her set came up at Lilith Faire, I took a beer break. Instead I ended up glued to the big screen from the bar ‘cause darn it if that gal didn’t have tons of spunk.

Faith HillRemember when she told a fan not to grab her husband Tim McGraw’s junk from the stage? Good times.

Natalie MainesDude, with that haircut and that tattoo and that tank top it’s like a five-alarm gaydar fire up in here.

Gretchen WilsonRedneck women ride big-ass bikes.

Reba McEntireWristcuffs? Now they’re just taunting us.

Shania TwainWhat? I’m sorry, was I saying something about not liking country? I couldn’t remember on account of the passing out.

Hot Fuzz

So when this whole “Lip Service” business started everyone assumed Frankie’s Ruta Gedmintas would be the show’s resident lesbothrob. She was the “Shane” of the group (yes, yes – I know she’s not Shane). She did all the moody looking through her hair and randy dropping of her skinny jeans. She was the bad girl. But a funny thing happened on the way to fandom, everyone started swooning over the good girl instead. Sure, we still love us some Frankie. But bring up Detective Sergeant Sam Murray to a group of gay ladies and you’ll hear a chorus of, “Ooooooh, the hot cop.” Yes, hot cop is hot – and ridiculously so.

I’ve been trying to analyze exactly what makes Hot Cop so hot. (For science, obviously.) And what I’ve come up with is actually pretty simple. Sam is your dream girlfriend. Hot, smart, strong, accomplished, calm, confident, happy to have sex on her office desk. She is proof that good girls aren’t boring, they’re just good – at lots of really good things.

All the credit in the world must be given to out actress Heather Peace for making Hot Cop so very hot. She had taken what could have been a somewhat two-dimensional role (good, stoic cop lady) and turned her into an infinitely relatable and desirable character. As the only out cast member she brings a needed authenticity to her part. We know her. She doesn’t wear a lot of makeup. She does wear a lot of tight button-down shirts. She hasn’t got time for bullshit. She has got a shitload of swagger. She swigs beer like a fucking champion. (In real life she can apparently swing like a fucking champion, too, because she is also a jazz singer.) Wait, have I mentioned she is really hot?

I know we’re supposed to want Cat and Frankie together, I know that. And part of me does – first loves and all. But another part of me says screw that head case. Stay with the hot cop and have hot sex in the backseats of taxis forever and ever.

Thank you, Heather Peace/Hot Cop/Det. Sgt. Sam Murray. I will now make the obligatory joke about you being welcome to handcuff me and/or give me a firm frisking anytime.

Also, thanks for this. Guess it’s Naked Lady Monday after all. NSFW, obviously, clearly, very much so. You’re welcome. [Click to enlarge, which goes for all the images, you big perv.]

p.s. My friends over at Feromoon would be more than happy to help you catch up on all the Hot Cop action of “Lip Service.” Enjoy.

My Weekend Crush

I’m not a huge fan of the color pink. It has always been too conventionally girlie for me, something I associate with ruffles and not the good potato chip kind. But Pink the singer, hell yeah. In fact, I remember distinctly when she first came on the scene 10 years ago with her short shock of hot pink hair and unquestionable sexy swagger. It was an immediate, undeniable, “Whoa.” She was a girl, but not girlie. She is just shy of full-on butch, but still plenty of tough. Fun, spunky, badass. I liked her a lot, right from the start.

Over the years she has kept giving us all more and more reasons to like her. Unafraid to speak her mind and unashamed of being strong, she packs her music with great melodies and greater messages. “Dear Mr. President” is one of the most searing indictments of the Bush era out there. Sure, we all wish she played for our team, but she has never been shy about supporting our team. An outspoken advocate for GLBT rights, she was recently received the Human Rights Campaign National Dinner with the Ally for Equality Award. All that and the gal can really sing. OK, fine – those abs don’t hurt either. Heck, thank to Pink, I even for a split second considered joining a convent on the off chance that she’d be there to, um, convert me. Happy weekend, all.

Elementary, my dear Watson

You know who I have always liked (though not in that way until after 2008 and even then, more like a precocious and beloved younger sister)? Emma Watson. We haven’t talked about her new haircut because, I don’t know – war, famine, elections, fatties, vampires, tank tops, Tina Fey, British lesbians, lesbian cheerleaders, naked athletes and more tank tops. But today I feel I can ignore the topic no longer. I love Emma’s new hair. Love. It.

Sure, it took a second to get used to the new haircut. So much shortness. So much Mia Farrow circa “Rosemary’s Baby.” So much not Hermione Granger.

But it’s a wonderful representation of what makes Emma not just another Hollywood starlet (not that she was every really one, period). Sure she isn’t the first actress to crop off her hair. Natalie Portman, Cate Blanchett, Sigourney Weaver and even Demi Moore took it almost all off. But those were largely for roles. Her gesture is for herself and an act of both freedom and independence. Even if you don’t like short haircuts you have to respect her decision.

As she told Marie Claire:

“I’ve wanted to do it since I was about 16, and when Harry Potter ended in June, I just needed a change. It was quite symbolic for me. It’s very short; it was buzzed at the back and on the sides. And it’s really liberating that I can walk out without thinking about it.”

And even if you’re not a Harry Potter fan (wait, you’re not a Harry Potter fan?), you have to respect the way she has conducted herself over the years. This is a young woman who has been world famous since she was 11 and now, at age 20, has yet to enter rehab, get a DUI, flash her lady business, start a Twitter feud or get caught with “someone else’s” coke in her purse. Instead she is entering her second year at Brown, completing her time on “Harry Potter” with class and making it all look completely effortless.

She also told the magazine:

“I do things in my own way, but I’ve never felt any need to rebel. To be honest, I’ve always had far too much freedom. I had a job when I was 10. I started living on my own when I was 17 or 18. I’ve earned my own money; I’ve traveled the world. What would I rebel against?”

Sometimes, you don’t have to rage against the dying of the light. Sometimes it’s better to just enjoy and be thankful for the light while it lasts. And, Emma, in this light, with your hair like that? It hurts to look at you.

One size fits none

Last week, as I wrote my response to the Marie Claire controversy, I knew someone would mention all the pictures of slim women on my site. I knew this because I’ve been doing this a long time and have developed a sixth sense about what kind of comments I am likely to receive. I had considered addressing it in the post, but ultimately thought that would take away from my main message which was that people deserve to be happy and respected, no matter their perceived differences. Heavy, thin, gay, straight – we’re all human and shouldn’t be shamed for the simple act of existing.

Now, it’s also true, I do post pictures of mostly slim women. Part of this is symptomatic of my chosen topic: the entertainment industry. There just aren’t that many women in Hollywood who are larger than a Size 0. The vast majority of famous women in Hollywood are conventionally thin. And unless I want to write about Queen Latifah, Nikki Blonsky, Gabourey Sidibe and Camryn Manheim every day, my options are limited. Even the women who sometimes get lumped in with the “plus-size” category aren’t really all that plus, like Sara Ramirez, America Ferrera and Christina Hendricks.

But this isn’t to say I shouldn’t do better. I should. I try not to glorify or perpetuate the unhealthy – in either direction. I don’t regularly post photos of models, because I think most are beyond unrealistic looking. (But not all, and those I celebrate to the fullest.) I don’t regularly post overly Photoshopped pictures, because there’s nothing realistic at all about the overuse of the liquefy tool. (I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really hate over Photoshopping. For real.)

Which brings us back to the topic of size and what I post on my site. I actually do think about inclusiveness, be it size or race or left handedness, a lot. A lot, a lot. But it’s not always that easy. I post about what I watch and enjoy because, well, it’s my site. But not all the TV/movies/music I watch and enjoy includes women of varying sizes. “30 Rock” – maybe Sherri Shepherd, but she’s on maybe twice a year. “Glee” – Amber Riley who is perpetually second fiddle of Lea Michele. “Rizzoli & Isles” – those two could fit on a twin-size bed with room to spare, trust me, I’ve imagined it. “Buffy” – Xander got a little chunky in the later seasons. “The Vampire Diaries” – nada, blood must be slimming.

I used to write about America Ferrera more often, but then “Ugly Betty” got bad and now it’s off the air. I write about Queen Latifah sometimes but closet organizing gets old after a while. And then, it can start to feel like tokenism. I’ve got to throw the Queen into this post, I’ve got to add Gabby to that post. Like I said, it isn’t always easy.

Also, do you know how hard it is to find pictures of some of these ladies in tank tops? The one, one, I’ve ever been able to find of Sara Ramirez I posted.

I guess this is all just a long, rambly way of saying – I do care and I do try. I want to be representative and I want to be inclusive. But I also write about a sliver of our popular culture that tends to be show women who look like a sliver. So trust me when I tell you, my love for women is not one size fits all.

p.s. Apologies to those expecting a post on the midterm elections today. I just couldn’t, it is too – well – ugh.

Vote, baby, vote

Go forth and vote today, kittens. Do it for Olivia Kickin’ Chipotle Glazed Time Warner.

p.s. If you want to have Olivia scream your name in that video, watch it here.
p.p.s. I promise to have a real, actual, no kidding post tomorrow.
p.p.p.s. Thanks again for all the birthday love.
p.p.p.p.s. How about them Giants!

Happy BirthFey

Today is my birthday. I know, blah blah blah. Yay, day of my birth. Now, I say this not for the self-congratulatory acknowledgment of growing another year older. Well, not exactly. But really I say this to apologize for the lameness of today's post. You see, I had kind of a hell of a weekend. So I'm basically incapable of writing a full post. Also, it being my birthday and all, I thought I'd take this opportunity to be both a) lazy, and b) self-indulgent. So here is Tina Fey dancing. Happy birthday to me.

P.S. Also, Tina and the other lovely ladies of "Saturday Night Live" will be on TV tonight for an SNL special. I'm considering that her present to me, as it should be.

My Weekend Crush

As the incomparable Mercedes Jones, Amber Riley brings her locomotive of a voice to our living rooms each week. Instantly sassy, irresistibly brassy, her Mercedes is a talent who refuses to play second fiddle, even when that’s all-too frequently the role thrust upon her. She said it herself: “I’m Beyonce. I ain’t no Kelly Rowland.” What Riley brings to Mercedes, besides those ridiculously perfect pipes, is a refreshing burst of confidence. On “Glee,” her presence speaks volumes without even using her voice. On a stage filled almost exclusively with slim starlets and six-packing studs, Riley is more of an everyteen (though in real life she is the crush-appropriate age of 24).

Her size became a subplot for a millisecond last season, but it does not define her. Instead Riley’s Mercedes is known for her confidence, strength, loyalty and – of course – that voice. I know this will be sacrilege to some, but I really loved her rendition of “Sweet Transvestite” in this week’s “Rocky Horror Glee Show” episode. Yes, it was silly they changed “transsexual Transylvania” to “sensational Transylvania.” No, she isn’t Tim Curry. But, lord, who is? Instead she gave it her own sexy stamp. Bonus points for using Brittany and Santana as backup dancers. I don’t know about you, but watching all three of them dance together is definitely good for relieving my tension. Happy weekend and Halloween, all.

Bite Me

I have a thing for vampires, this is no secret. The fangs, the biting, the immortality. That’s one sexy combo. It helps that lady vampires are being portrayed right now on screen – both big and small – by some very attractive actresses. So with Halloween approaching, I thought we’d pay tribute to these toothsome talents. But why mindlessly ogle when you can make it a cutthroat competition? Let’s sink our teeth into the beautiful bloodsuckers from the three biggest vampire series out currently (“True Blood,” “The Vampire Diaries” and the “Twilight” saga) and see which group tastes the best.

TRUE BLOOD

PamHot, blonde and into chicks.

Sophie-AnneHot, ginger and into chicks.

JessicaHot, ginger and not into chicks, but I would happily spend an eternity trying to convert her.

THE VAMPIRE DIARIES

KatherineEvil, but has a good doppelganger so, you know, kind of the best of both worlds.

CarolineI like her so much better as a vampire than a human, is that wrong?

IsobelWe all knew Jenny Schecter was a vampire already, this is just more upfront about it.

TWILIGHT

Esme and Alice CullenDoes the fact that they’re not really mother and daughter makes it any less creepy that I think they make a nice looking couple? OK, still no.

RosalieI’m just going to say it, I don’t like Nikki Reed as a blonde.

JaneDoes the fact that her character is, like, 1,000 years old make it any less creepy that she is actually 16? OK, still no.

So, which lady vamps do it for you? Who sucks the least, figuratively? Or the most, literally? Yes, I know I went there with all the bad puns. Bite me.

Fat and Happy

Opinions are like assholes, or so the saying goes. So it only follows that many assholes have opinions. But you are still taken aback, way aback, when an asshole is such an asshole about her opinions. Like, for instance, the Marie Claire blogger who posted her thoughts on the new CBS sitcom “Mike & Molly.”

Let me break down the essence of her post for you:

HEY FATTIES, EAT SOME UNPROCESSED FOOD AND GET OFF YOUR BIG ASSES. ALSO, STOP KISSING. GROSS.

And I’m not even really paraphrasing there. This is what was actually written.

My initial response was: Hmm, being overweight is one thing — those people are downright obese! And while I think our country’s obsession with physical perfection is unhealthy, I also think it’s at least equally crazy, albeit in the other direction, to be implicitly promoting obesity! ….

So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room. ….

I’m happy to give you some nutrition and fitness suggestions if you need them — but long story short, eat more fresh and unprocessed foods, read labels and avoid foods with any kind of processed sweetener in them whether it’s cane sugar or high fructose corn syrup, increase the amount of fiber you’re getting, get some kind of exercise for 30 minutes at least five times a week, and do everything you can to stand up more — even while using your computer — and walk more.

(p.s. That last sentence is 84 – EIGHTY FOUR – words long. How about learning how to slim down your writing instead, lady?)

WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK WAS THAT FUCKING SHIT?

The post has made the rounds, been roundly criticized and, by my rough estimate, garnered some 6 gazillion very unhappy replies in the comments section. The writer has apologized, said the post was an insensitive, thoughtless reaction to her own struggles with anorexia. Blah blah blah. That may well be true. While we should be rightfully furious with its writer (a Maura Kelly – who has been published in The New York Times, The Washington Post and Glamour, among others. Also, she loves peanut butter!), we should also see this as a symptom of a larger, more insidious disease we have as a society. This Maura person articulated it almost perfectly.

In our society, we think to be loved you have to look a certain way. If you don’t look that certain way you are unworthy, unhealthy, unhappy, undeserving. If you don’t look a certain way you shouldn’t kiss, find love, walk across a room. If you don’t look a certain way you should be ashamed, disgusted and hate ever fiber of your big, ugly, repulsive body.

What a colossal load of unrelenting horse shit.

Without getting into the flat-out fallacies of Maura Kelly’s argument (all weight can be managed through diet and exercise, etc.), let’s talk about her piece’s casual yet calculated cruelty. It’s a cruelty that permeates our society. It’s fed by the fashion and beauty industries. It’s fed by Photoshopping the already beautiful into impossible beauty. It’s fed by almost every image we see projected and plastered everywhere. This is how you should look, if you don’t look like this how could you possibly be happy? An entire body-shaming industrial complex profits from our continued misery.

It shouldn’t be a radical statement to say that we are all humans and that we all deserve happiness no matter our size, race, sexual orientation, disabilities, whathaveyou. Yet here we are, in the year 2010, and some people are still saying how gross it is that two fatties have the audacity to actually kiss. How dare they be happy, don’t they know?

Treating all people with basic human decency and respect, now that’s fucking beautiful.

Tank Top Tuesday

Sometimes, when putting together Tank Top Tuesday posts, I struggle to find a theme. Sporty shots. Black and white shots. Candid shots. Fancy shots. Shoddy shots. But then sometimes I look at my pictures and realize, honey, you’re really over thinking it. Hotties + Tank Tops = No Additional Explanation Required. In other words, as you can see from Salma Hayek above, I picked these pictures today because they’re hot. You’re welcome. Now go have a nice Tuesday.

Tricia HelferShe is going to guest star on “Lie to Me.” Jesus, Tim Roth. First Jennifer Beals now Tricia? Lucky bastard.

Diane LaneI thought about seeing “Secretariat,” but (spoiler alert) I already know the horse wins. So, um, where’s the suspense in that?

Liv TylerI know a lot of people look at her and see an elf queen, but I’ll always see that gal who cavorted with Alicia Silverstone.

Kate HudsonProof that every gal looks great with suspenders and a belt chain. Even gals who only really ever made one good movie. (“Almost Famous,” duh.)

Amber HeardSpeaking of good movies, boy, “Drive Angry” does not look like one. But, um, Amber is still pretty – and in 3D.

Emily HainesI want Emily to dance around in sparkly shirts and fierce boots while filling my heart with joy forever and ever. And if that sparkly top happens to be a tank top, all the better.

Debbie HarryDebbie doesn’t need to dance around to fill my heart with joy forever and ever. Those cheekbones are more than enough.

Angie HarmonSo much is happening here. A plane. A headset. All that cleavage. I have no idea where this is from. I am completely OK with that. (p.s. You’re reading the Rizzoli & Isles Retro Subtext Recaps, right? Right.)

See, best not to over think things.