Pippa’s not-so privates anymore

Ladies, I don’t mean to brag (actually, that’s a lie -- I totally mean to brag), but I am two for two on my lesbian character prognosticating. Yesterday, Olivia Wilde’s Thirteen on “House.” Today, Julianne Moore’s character in “The Private Lives of Pippa Lee.” Called it, again! One more and I get that free toaster oven. If you will recall, back last November I wrote about the film -- starring Julianne, Robin Wright Penn and Winona Ryder -- and said its description made my gay Spidey sense tingle. Let me quote myself again, in chapter and verse:

According to Variety, its plot description is such:
“The story centers on a dutiful wife whose husband falls for a younger woman, freeing her to explore her buried sensuality and leading to a very quiet nervous breakdown.”

So, I can’t be the only one whose gaydar got a blip from that, right? Freeing? Exploring? Buried sensuality? And, of course, nervous breakdowns? So. Totally. Gay.

Well, according to The Hollywood Reporter, Julianne’s character is a lesbian novelist, as well as a friend to Robin’s Pippa. Thank you, thank you. Seriously, please, sit down. There’s no need for that standing ovation. Really, you are too kind.

So, I have to say, my gaydar has been deadly accurate of late. In fact, I think it’s so finely tuned that it may have military applications. Perhaps I should start calling myself She-Dar: Princess of Gaydar! [NOTE: I was totally going to use another word at the end that starts with “p” ends with “y” there, but then I thought, “No, Snarker, stay classy. Stay classy.” My inner voice is boring.] Sadly, my powers only appear to apply to fictional characters. Any real-world detection abilities and/or prophesizing skills are, as yet, untested. But I’m not above trying. Hey, Ellen Page, come sit by me. I want to get a closer look at you.

As for the film, additional cast members were also announced. Joining the lovely trio will be Maggie Gyllenhaal, Monica Bellucci, Alan Arkin and Keanu Reeves. Alan will play Pippa’s philandering husband. Winona is the younger woman he leaves her for. Monica plays his first wife. And Keanu is the younger man Pippa takes up with afterward. Oh, and Maggie will be play Pippa’s pill-popping mother in flashback sequences.

Damn, that’s a lot of drama. And, uh, how did Alan Arkin land so many hot women? While the Keanu news dampens some of my big gay enthusiasm, keep in mind that the film’s title is “The Private Lives of Pippa Lee,” which implies that while she may have a private life with Keanu, she could also have another one with Julianne. My gaydar says yes. And I think we’ve all learned that it’s unwise to challenge my gaydar. “For the Honor of Gayskull….I am She-Dar!”

p.s. Just in case you haven’t seen what, exactly, a “lesbian novelist” looks like these days, I thought I’d jog your collective memories. I love...books.