Gender Fuck Thursday of a Certain Age

Someone called me “creepy” for noting that Amber Glenn, who is a 26-year-old fully adult woman, is hot. Which, I might add, could just be empirical fact. Regardless, I would like to comfort those who are concerned about my moral compass, that I would never actually initiate any real-world romantic relationships with someone approximately half my age. Nor do I want to. But, also, I have eyes that work – and I’m not dead. Anyway, to not offend anyone’s sensibilities – delicate or otherwise – how about some Gender Fuck Thursday of a Certain Age? All these women are well within an appropriate age bracket for a Gen Xer who keeps throwing those AARP invitations in the trash.

Suranne Jones, 47

It’s the manspreading for me.

Tracy Chapman, 61

Boy, I wish she would play publicly more so I could objectify the shit out of her…talent.

Cate Blanchett, 56

I’ve never pulled off a velvet suit this well at any age.

Jodie Foster, 63

Granted, I might be on the edge of youngish for Jodie depending on her May-December tolerance. Which clearly would be the only thing holding us back and not the fact that she’s already married and also Jodie Foster.

Jenna Lyons, 57

I wish she was still with J.Crew, because as a Gen Xer I still have major residual nostalgia about that brand and its catalogue.

Regina King, 55

I’m pretty sure I can’t pull off an orange suit either, regardless of age.

Lena Headey, 52

I’ll always have a thing for age-appropriate florists thanks to her.

Cynthia Nixon, 59; Carrie Coon, 45; Christine Baranski, 73

Yes, I know Louisa Jacobson (34) and Taissa Farmiga (31) are just sweet baby angel children, so please accept the reverse 20+year age gap with Christine as my mea culpa.

p.s. In case further apology is needed, please accept this with my most sincere age-appropriate feelings (just put your thumb over 38-year-old Karen Gillan’s face if necessary) as everyone else is 50+.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Suits & More Suits

I can’t believe there are only 44 days left in 2021. Like it seems forever ago since January 1, but then how can it almost be 2022 already? Can you believe that fetid orange turd was still president at the start of this year? And that somehow we’re STILL in a damn pandemic? I can’t wrap my mind around any of it. So instead of even trying, I’m going to look at beautiful women in beautiful suits. Pinstripe. Solids. Tweeds. With vests. Without vests. Yes, yes, also yes and again yes. Now who cares about the endless march of time and relentless onslaught of daily life? I mentioned some of the suites are pinstripe, right?

Brandi Carlile

Brandi doesn’t have any tour dates next year near me yet and I’m rather cross about it. But not cross enough to ignore her lovely brown grandpa suit here.

Janelle Monae

Pinstripes and polka dots? With her impeccable Suit Cred anything is acceptable.

America Ferrera

Has America played a lesbian before? Because she had the way we sit down pat.

Regina King

I had a real double-breasted suit thing when I was younger, and now that I think about it I had great taste back then.

Aubrey Plaza

Honestly, I hate these formal shorts. But then I love tweed. And I still think Abby should have picked Riley instead. So there’s that.

Jennifer Hudson

All-white suits are nearly impossible to pull off. And I’m telling you J-Hud does it flawlessly.

Tessa Thompson

See, all of a sudden you don’t care what year it is either.

SGALGG: Oscars Edition

Well, I’ll tell you one thing – this year’s Oscars were definitely different. I actually didn’t mind the wildly underproduced and at times awkwardly intimate staging of this year’s Academy Awards. At least for a while I didn’t mind it. I enjoyed the more organic and often heartfelt results through the first part of the broadcast. The Oscars are typically such a polished affair, making them decidedly different just felt right in this decidedly different ongoing pandemic year. I actually abhor the tendency of Hollywood and other institutions to pretend things aren’t different and project total normalcy. But, hello, shit isn’t normal. So the Oscars shouldn’t be normal either.

But, and yes sadly there’s a but (but not Da Butt, which is awesome and we shall discuss later), it didn’t work the whole way through. The trivia tidbit introductions for nominees worked the first few times, but then it just dragged. Having presenters tell, instead of show, when discussing everything from costume design to visual effects was, well, dumb. And the ceremony’s aversion to clips seemed almost pathological. Like, the producers understand that the Academy Awards are basically an advertisement for Hollywood and the nominated films, right? So you should, I dunno, maybe show people even a little bit of these movies and these performances? Call me crazy, but the magic of Hollywood is in its moving pictures. So, you know, show us the moving pictures. Oh, and that In Memoriam fast-forward segment was shameful, simply shameful (as was leaving off Naya Rivera and Jessica Walter, SHAME.)

Still, there were enough unexpected moments and enough deserving winners to make it a pretty interesting night, if nothing else. Sure, we all knew Chadwick Boseman should have won (and, boy, did the producers gamble that he was going to win by moving his category to the last award failed spectacularly – talk about your sad trombone ending). But we also got the first woman of color to win Best Director (not to mention the first woman to win Best Director for directing a movie about a woman). And, well, Glenn Close did “Da Butt.” So, it wasn’t all bad.

Granted, there wasn’t a ton of SGALGG which given we’re still in a global pandemic is fine by me. But there was some. And, unlike the Oscar telecast producers, I will show and not just tell you about it.

Regina King & Andra Day

I could have watched Regina King just walk to start the Oscars for two hours. If Andra walked with her, three hours.

Angela Bassett & Viola Davis

Pandemic-approved SGALGGing because something tells me both women also have hand sanitzer in their bags.

Speaking of Viola, did you see her MIME TAKING A SHOT?

Someone give Viola Davis an Oscar just for this performance of her pretending to take a shot https://t.co/aXVTwTSRna #Oscars pic.twitter.com/NJdHuQJxkF

— Variety (@Variety) April 25, 2021

Tiara Thomas & H.E.R.

These women are both half way to an EGOT, which feels like a good reason to kiss. I’m saying I’d like to see them kiss. Sorry if I was being unclear.

Mia Neal & Jamika Wilson

The first black women to win Oscars for Makeup & Hairstyling are included here because a) that is an awesome and long overdue accomplishment, and b) anyone who wears that dress collar with those arms is at least honorary family. (Yes, I did crop out the white dude.)

Chloe Zhao

I can’t wait to see what she does with the new Marvels superhero tentpole “The Eternals.” Also, she wore sneakers to the Oscars. So championing comfortable footwear is obviously lesbian culture.

Emerald Fennell & Carey Mulligan

Look, I know they’re not doing anything particularly gay. But they are wearing their masks indoors amid a crowd of people not from their own households. Which is both smart and safe. So, maybe they are doing something particularly gay?

Marlee Matlin

Could you imagine if Marlee brought back Jodie Lerner for “The L Word: Generation Q” and they had her appear on a tractor to make Tibette fandom’s head explode all over again?

Jan Pascale

I believe Jan Pascale, who took home the trophy for Best Production Design for “Mank,” was the night’s only out queer female winner. Also that sound you heard during the telecast was every queer lady screaming “My wife Louise!” at their TVs during her acceptance speech.

Frances McDormand & Youn Yuh-jung

Could you imagine them in a buddy road trip movie, like “Thelma & Louise” but without the “Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid” ending. And, of course, make it gay. Also, Memo to Award Show Producers: Have these ladies give all the acceptance speeches.

Glenn Close

You didn’t think I forgot about Da Butt, did you? The award for the night’s best sport clearly went to Glenn Close who while she still does not have an Oscar, has an honorary Oscar in all of our heart for shaking her butt gamely to “Da Butt.”

SGALGG/GGALGG: Oscars Edition

Told ya it was coming. So outside of Janelle Monae representing for queer black artists to start the shows, the Oscars were a pretty straight affair. At least, what we saw on television was pretty straight. As we all know, hand out a few shiny trophies and let the champagne flow and suddenly Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals are everywhere – or at least everywhere in the eye of the beholder. But, as has been a welcome trend these last few years, there also actual Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Queer women came out in their finest this Oscar season. So it appears even lesbians and bisexual women are attracted to golden naked men. Who knew.

Brie Larson, Sigourney Weaver & Gal Gadot

I’m not really a threesome person, but YES PLEASE LET ME WATCH.

Laura Dern & Renee Zellweger

Bridget Jones’s Later-in-Life Lesbianism

Scarlett Johansson & Florence Pugh

It’s so unfair they’ve cast Florence Pugh and Rachel Weisz in the new “Black Widow” movie, because now I have to see it.

Geena Davis & Sandra Oh

No, they’re not doing anything particularly gay. But they’re Geena Davis and Sandra Oh standing together in beautiful dresses. So, duh, gay interest.

Natalie Portman

No, Natalie isn’t doing anything particularly gay. But she has the names of all the female directors snubbed this year for the Oscars embroidered on her coat hem in a sign of feminist solidarity and as we all know any feminism worth a damn is intersectional which means it would include the concerns of POC and the LGBTQ community. So, duh, gay interest.

Regina King

No, Regina isn’t doing anything particularly gay. But have you seen her arms and that dress? So, duh, gay interest.

Salma Hayek & Penelope Cruz

I’ve had dreams that started like this, Part I.

Margot Robbie & Charlize Theron

The strong top energy coming off Charlize as she watches over Margot reading her program is palpable.

Jessica Alba & Sofía Vergara

I’ve had dreams that started like this, Part II.

Greta Gerwig & Saoirse Ronan

I’m usually not cool with maestros getting handsy with their ingénue’s, but you know what? I’ll allow it.

Jane Fonda & Olivia Colman

Women of a certain age can totally get it.

GGALGG: Oscars Edition

Janelle Monae & Billy Porter

It’s like we’re witnessing the coolest wizard convention in the universe.

Beanie Feldstein & Kaitlyn Dever

Out queer actress who played straight with her straight actress friend who played gay.

Janet Mock, Lena Waithe & Rashida Jones

Proof that LGBTQ people totally still like straight people.

Maria Bello & Dominique Crenn

Mazel tov to the newly engaged couple!

Tessa Thompson & Amandla Stenberg

Just two incredibly talented, out, black queer actresses dancing at an Oscars party in the year 2020. Sometimes, it’s almost like we are living in the future.

SGALGG: Oscars Edition

Turns out not having a host meant we weren’t subjected to a number of dumb skits and stunts, plus far fewer video montages and far more female winners. And some of those female winners, and other gals in attendance, did some decidedly gay gal things. So, without further ado, your 2019 Oscars Straight (and Some Gay) Gals Acting Like Gay Gals.

Amy Poehler, Tina Fey & Maya Rudolph

That suit on Amy automatically makes her the gay-mo on this Tina and Maya sandwich.

Frances McDormand & Olivia Colman

I’d watch a whole movie of Police Chief Marge Gunderson trying to whip a petulant Queen Anne into shape. And making out.

Yalitza Aparicio & Elsie Fisher

I would like a movie about them starting a junior detective agency, and I would like it now. Bonus points if Elsie’s character only ever wears three-piece suits.

Michelle Yeoh & Awkwafina

Look, if Sarah and Holland can May-December, why not?

Sarah Paulson & Holland Taylor

Speaking of our favorite cross-seasonal couple, didn’t they look grand?

Helen Mirren & Sarah Paulson

Looks like Helen knows about Sarah’s love of mature women. And likes a challenge.

Melissa McCarthy & Glenn Close

I mean, they’re not doing anything particularly gay together – except wearing capes out in public.

Queen Latifah & Danai Gurira

The look Dani is giving here shows she knows exactly what it meant to lesbians to have Queen Latifah introduce “The Favourite.”

Allison Janney & Emma Stone

I don’t mean to kink shame, but Allison seems *really* excited about eating that stroopwafel/Emma Stone.

Regina King & Angela Bassett

They’re having an arm porn contest and we’re all the winners.

Tessa Thompson & Kiersey Clemons

Wait, does Janelle know?

Madonna & Lady Gaga

No comment needed.