True Dud

Just to prove I can still get mad about things, how about a feel-good, old-fashioned rant about television. Hell yeah, let’s do this thing. As what feels like one of the last idiots left watching “True Blood,” I take great issue with this past season. It’s not necessarily that this past season was more ridiculous than any other past season. Vampires, werewolves, fairies, shifters, werepanthers, maenads, witches, etc. etc. etc. But this season was a true dud (See what I did there? See, see, see?) when it came to its LGBT relationships. The series has long been the kinky party girl of positive LGBT visibility on television. The show has had LGBT characters – Lafayette, Pam, et al – from the start. And the show has been open, so very open, to fluid sexuality. I mean, all vampires are essentially a little gay, right?

Here’s what pissed me off this season. At the end of last season, after Tara came through being shot in the head and sired by Pam, the two lady vamps sealed their relationship with a pretty fucking hot kiss. And in that moment we were all Jessica when she screamed, “I KNEW IT!” Hot damn, we knew they were hot for each other. Yay gay and a round of (non-Hep.V spiked) True Blood for everyone on me.

But then this season came and we waited. And waited. And waited. And waited some damn more to see just the tiniest of sliver of affection and, you know, hot lesbian action between these two and instead were given nothing. Nada. Bupkis. Zilch. Pam snarled at Tara. Tara snarled at Pam. Then Pam slept with the gross pervy shrink to get what she wanted and that’s pretty much it. And not only did the show completely ignore their relationship storyline, they completely ignored the storyline of Bon Temps’ other resident gaymo, Lafayette. How bad was it for us gays this season? This picture of Pam and Tara kinda, sorta adjacent each other was the only production still of them I could find where they’re in the same frame.

Which begs the question, why have Pam and Tara act like they were in love/lust with each other at all at the end of last season? Why go there if you had no intention on following through? I mean, besides just general sloppy storytelling. Ending the season as they did sets the audience up with certain expectations, which then leads to disappointment and general feelings of extreme annoyance. Was this all just for stupid, simple titillation? Really, I watched all this summer for this? They missed a golden opportunity to add layers to both Pam and Tara’s characters by delving into their complicated bond and intertwined affections. Instead, I’m pretty sure the entire point of this past season of “True Blood” was to get Alexander Skarsgard to go full frontal. As with Eric and his Little Viking, I was not impressed with the results.

Say what you will about me (and you do and that’s cool – everyone’s got an opinion), but I have always championed more and better LGBT representation on the screen. And I have always railed against tokenism (you know, that sweeps week shit). So for a show that has, for all its flaws, never trafficked in the latter to suddenly indulge in easy exploitation of temporary girl-on-girl action is discouraging, to say the least. You can do better, “True Blood.” Or maybe not. I mean, did you watch this past season? Perhaps “better” is entirely out of your reach at this point.

My Weekend Crush

I like “True Blood” because after the regular fall TV and serious spring offerings (Can we cool it on the beheadings and castrations, “Game of Thrones?”), I’m ready for some straight-up vampire craziness to lull me into the blissful embrace of summer. And this season, more than any other, has me really excited. Why? Because Pam and Tara, dammit.

Pam has long been one of my favorites and one of the more underutilized characters on the show. Unlike Sookie, I’ve always got time for her lesbian weirdness. And while Tara has occasionally annoyed the ever-loving shit out of me, she has been one of the most resilient characters on the show. I mean if you can come back from a shotgun to the head, you’re pretty much badass for life.

So when the two got together at the very end of last season, maker and her sire, it was cathartic. And we, like Jessica, all pointed at the screen and yelled, “I KNEW IT!” Yeah, we knew it. And we love it. Let us dream the impossible dream of a happy ending for these two. Or at the very least there had better be a lot more lesbian weirdness between them coming up this season. Happy weekend, all.

My Weekend Crush

With minimal screen time Kristin Bauer van Straten has been able to have maximum impact on “True Blood.” It’s not just her delivery, which is dry and perfect. Or her look, which is divine and perfect. It’s how she blends elegance, contempt, boredom, amusement, fierceness and shocking flashes of tenderness together effortlessly. Also, let’s be honest, it’s also that eyebrow raise, which is – you guessed it – perfect. Sure, I sang the praises of the Pam/Tara finale moment earlier. But Pam’s evolution on her own is quite a thing as well. Over five seasons Kristin has been able to take Pam from arm candy sidekick to integral emotional touchstone for the show. Without Pam, Eric is just another suave killing machine. Without Pam, Tara is just another confused newbie vamp. Without Pam, who would bring the lesbian weirdness? Let every vampire, werewolf and whathaveyou in Bon Temps lust over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina. I’ll take Pam and her badass bite, thanks to Kristin, any day – and especially night. Happy weekend, all.

Meet your maker

WARNING: “True Blood” season finale spoilers. Or as I like to call, “What the fuck was that?”

Right, so I think we can all agree this season of “True Blood” was, well, not good. Pretty bad. Shit, let’s get real – it was a hot, hot mess of a mess. The main problem with the fifth season was that it was segregated into a million small, separate stories where none of the characters talked to anyone but the people in their small, separate stories. Bill didn’t talk to Sookie. Sookie didn’t talk to Eric. Eric didn’t talk to Pam. Pam didn’t talk hardly at all. This strange compartmentalized season had a million small, separate stories I didn’t care one whoop about. Terry and the smoke monster. Andy and the fairy quintuplets. Alcide and the pack. Hoyt and the Obamas. I just really didn’t care. (Well I cared a little bit about Hoyt, but mostly because I care about Jessica.) Oh, and Russell Edgington – I really fucking hate Russell Edgington. Though Eric killing him felt even better than I thought it would. Plus the whole tiresome religious zealot allegory told via Lilith and The Authority? Pat Robertson exists already – I don’t need to be reminded of that sort of bullshit on my silly, sexy vampire show.

But here’s the thing that if not redeemed the season (because, really, I cannot overstate what a hot, hot mess of a mess it was) is the Pam and Tara relationship. Pam turning Tara. Pam teaching Tara, reluctantly. Tara caring for Pam, reluctantly. And then, well, the kiss. That kiss was something. Sure we all saw (or at least hoped we saw) it coming. Pam and Tara together? That’s HOT. But it also makes a strange kind of sense. In fact it’s the only thing that makes sense in this screwy, sloppy season. All Pam’s vampire life the only other person she has cared for was Eric. And all of Tara’s human life, the only people she has cared for are Sookie and Lafayette. And then Eric releases Pam. And then Sookie and Lafayette turn Tara. And those two, all they have is each other. They hate it at first, naturally. But despite it all a bond forms. A bond built out of earned respect and mutual admiration. These are both tough, tough women. These are both survivors. Is it slightly maternal? Sure. But remember Bill slept with his maker Lorena for decades. And Eric sleeps with his sister. Incest isn’t really a thing in the vampire world, so cool your outrage jets folks.

So what will keep me coming back for “True Blood” season 6? Definitely not Billith the bloody tampon monster. Nope, it’ll be the love – hard-earned and well-deserved – between Pam and Tara. In a season that went from ridiculous to “bitch, please,” it was the one true moment of tenderness that didn’t feel farcical. With any luck, come season 6, we’ll finally be able to see that date they owe each other. Because, come on, hot.

Tank Top Tuesday: Summer TV Edition

You know what I love? Summer TV. I mean, I love TV in general, clearly. But summer TV is a breed unto itself. When I was a kid I don’t really recall having a summer TV season. We called it reruns. But now we’ve got entire shows that only come on when the temperature rises. And something about running in the summer, perhaps the heat or the fact that people are daydreaming about vacation, that makes them more fun. There’s a wink and a nod involved in some of the best summer shows. Leave the serious stuff for those cold, windy months. When the weather gets warm, the TV gets sunny. And when the weather gets warm, the stars of our favorite summer shows, like the lovely Mary-Louise Parker, have a habit of reaching for the tank tops. Like I was saying, I love summer TV.

Mary McCormack, In Plain SightI’m not going to lie, I love all of the pregnancy boob humor the show has gone for this season.

Marsha Thomason, White CollarShe certainly put the “special” in special agent. I demand to see more of Diana and her girlfriend in their “shegulls nest.”

Piper Perabo, Covert AffairsIs it just me, or has this show greatly improved this season? I think it’s because Annie gets to be a real kick-ass agent now, instead of just a pawn used to get to her ex-boyfriend. Also, there’s been a tad less ridiculous running around in high heels.

Kiele Sanchez, The GladesThis show hits my crime procedural sweet spot. Charismatic leads, good chemistry and interesting yet not too scary cases. And Kiele is not exactly terrible to look at either.

Troian Bellisario, Pretty Little LiarsHer voice makes me want to commit a crime, which she will then try to solve. Please come hide in my bushes, Spencer. Wait, that sounded…just about right.

Shay Mitchell, Pretty Little LiarsFor someone freshly out, Emily sure has amassed quite a string of girlfriends already. Maya, Paige, Samara. Though, if you were a teenage lesbian who looked like Shay Mitchell, you wouldn’t be single long either.

Kristin Bauer & friend Liz Vassey, True BloodIn honor of Pam, I declare “think of Estonia” as a new euphemism for cunnilingus.

Rutina Wesley, True BloodOn that note, I’m so glad Tara is thinking of Estonia this season. So glad.

Sasha Alexander, Rizzoli & IslesOh, Dr. Isles. How I’ve missed you and your high femme flirty ways.

Check out AfterEllen.com later today for the return of my Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recaps.

Bite Me

I have a thing for vampires, this is no secret. The fangs, the biting, the immortality. That’s one sexy combo. It helps that lady vampires are being portrayed right now on screen – both big and small – by some very attractive actresses. So with Halloween approaching, I thought we’d pay tribute to these toothsome talents. But why mindlessly ogle when you can make it a cutthroat competition? Let’s sink our teeth into the beautiful bloodsuckers from the three biggest vampire series out currently (“True Blood,” “The Vampire Diaries” and the “Twilight” saga) and see which group tastes the best.

TRUE BLOOD

PamHot, blonde and into chicks.

Sophie-AnneHot, ginger and into chicks.

JessicaHot, ginger and not into chicks, but I would happily spend an eternity trying to convert her.

THE VAMPIRE DIARIES

KatherineEvil, but has a good doppelganger so, you know, kind of the best of both worlds.

CarolineI like her so much better as a vampire than a human, is that wrong?

IsobelWe all knew Jenny Schecter was a vampire already, this is just more upfront about it.

TWILIGHT

Esme and Alice CullenDoes the fact that they’re not really mother and daughter makes it any less creepy that I think they make a nice looking couple? OK, still no.

RosalieI’m just going to say it, I don’t like Nikki Reed as a blonde.

JaneDoes the fact that her character is, like, 1,000 years old make it any less creepy that she is actually 16? OK, still no.

So, which lady vamps do it for you? Who sucks the least, figuratively? Or the most, literally? Yes, I know I went there with all the bad puns. Bite me.