Requiem for the Mediocre White Man

Hey, did you spend last weekend watching a bunch of dudes hit other dudes? Yes, yes – I know, you were just in it for the commercials. And Lady Gaga. Still, odds are you have had your fill of overly confident dudes for the day/week/next four years. So here is one of my favorite overconfident mediocre white man takedown of all time. Oh, ladies of “Criminal Minds.” This show doesn’t deserve you. But us ladies certainly do. Poor little ass, indeed.

Criminally Funny

Some actors you just wish well. Whether you like the show they happen to be on or not, you root for them. Paget Brewster is one of those actors. I’ve watched “Criminal Minds” on and off over the years – though thanks to the power of rerun marathons I’m pretty sure at this point I’ve seen every single episode. And I’ve always enjoyed the Paget season the most (we shall not talk of the abomination that was the Ashley Seaver Season – shudder). But now that she has left the Special Agents ranks once more (and this time likely for good), I was wondering where she might land. And yesterday I found out, she is joining “Community” for its sixth season. The former NBC-turned-Yahoo show will return in early 2015 with Paget as “Francesca ‘Frankie’ Dart, a consultant brought in to help shape up the school.” If you are among the people scratching your head wondering why that lady cop from the serial killer show is on a sitcom, scratch no more. Paget got her TV start on “Friends,” and has subsequently brought the laughs on shows like “Huff,” “Andy Richter Controls the Universe” and three very funny, very drunk episodes of “Drunk History.” (Seriously, Google them.) Bottom line, lady is funny.

So in celebration of this wonderful news, please enjoy Paget reading a REAL-LIFE dirty love letter from James Joyce to his wife, Nora. I cannot overemphasize how incredibly DIRTY these love letters from 1909 truly are. Like, for real, wear headphones. This is NSFW defined. Yeah, that’s right, the dude who wrote “Ulysses” just put all your naughty sexts to absolute SHAME.

[If the video is geoblocked, try this link, international friends.]

Fuck Mondays

Let’s be frank, Mondays fucking suck. They can go fuck themselves. They can go take a flying fuck. They can go fuck off. Seriously, they fucking suck. And they really, really fucking suck in the doldrums of January. Ugh. January. It’s not December, with its promise of the holidays. It’s not the spring, with its flowers and showers. It’s not summer, with its summery summerness. And it’s not fall, with leaves showing off one last time. Nope, it’s January. Which fucking sucks. But you know what? We don’t have to just sit and take sucky Mondays in January. We can fight back. We can fight back the only way we can on a sucky Monday in January. By giving them a big, hearty fuck you. Like our friend M-Rod is doing.

Heidi KlumWell, it is Monday, so why not have a little Naked Lady as well?

Kristen StewartI feel like Kristen is always flipping us the bird, even when she isn’t.

Kaya ScodelarioThe middle finger is Effy Stonem’s permanent state of mind.

PinkShe somehow manages to be badass and adorable, all at once. I think it’s the overalls.

Paget BrewsterI’m only slightly distracted by the fact that the towel means she just got out of the shower.

Lucy LiuAlso slightly distracted, but this time by the freckles and hint of lower back.

Amy PoehlerYou always knew Amy would know how to expertly deploy the double bird.

Lily AllenWhereas this is the cutest double bird ever.

Joan JettAnd this, this is the sexiest double bird ever.

There, now don’t you feel better – for a Monday?

My Weekend Crush

Man, I missed Paget Brewster on “Criminal Minds.” We shall speak of that long, horrible, Prentiss and JJ less season no more. But now that the band’s all back together, you can really appreciate what Paget brought to the show. She has a wonderful empathy about her. And she looks fantastic wearing a bullet-proof FBI vest. Though as much as I love her on “Criminal Minds” – and I really, really do – the show has never been able to fully showcase her fantastically silly sense of humor. Those who remember her from her “Friends” days (Kathy, the gal both Joey and Chandler dated) and her “Huff” days (as Hank Azaria’s wife, Jesus how many shows has that guy had?), know she is a skilled comedian. In fact, all you need to do is watch one of her visits to Conan to know she’s a pure delight. And you won’t find a more joyfully dorky dancer. Plus, did I ever tell you about that one time she kissed a girl? Oh, Paget. Welcome back to my TV, honey. Man, we missed you. Happy weekend, all.

Tank Top Tuesday

It’s Tuesday. So, well, you know what to do. Hop on board, secure the safety bar and please enjoy this ride through hot ladies in tank tops. Remember to keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times. Do not attempt to touch any of the subjects. I mean, you can attempt it if you want, but you’re just you’re just going to smudge your computer screen. And, as always, please tip your friendly neighborhood carnie as you exit the ride.

Hayley AtwellJust when you thought she couldn’t get more attractive, she puts on a tank top.

Mariska HargitayThey should set a SVU case on the beach. Because, yeah, they just should.

Paget Brewster“Criminal Minds” writers have to think of a way to get Paget into a tank top in every episode this season. You know, to make up for lost time.

Michelle RodriguezI am trying to think of an M-Rod movie where I did not see her in a tank top. Still thinking, still thinking.

Lea Michele“Glee” has been gone for so long I actually miss Rachel Berry.

Rutina WesleyMy God, Tara, you are terrible at picking allegiances. First a crazy maenad and now a crazy witch. Should have stayed in New Orleans with your hot girlfriend, girl.

Amber HeardI don’t buy the whole “The Playboy Club” is about female empowerment spin, but I do buy how good Amber looks in the bunny suit.

Angelina JolieAdmit it, sometimes you miss this Angie. She was a hell of a lot of fun. Naughty, dangerous, willing to roll around naked with Elizabeth Mitchell fun.

Dancing fool

Over the weekend, I had a bit of a technological freak out when I accidentally unplugged my iPhone in the middle of a software update. Pro Tip: Bad idea, really bad idea. That forced an entire system restore, which forced me to fret for three hours while everything reninstalled, which forced me to worry about how long it had been since my last backup, which forced me to think about what I could have lost on my phone. I was pretty sure I’d updated since returning from my vacation. But I wasn’t sure if I’d synched since Pride. Now, I’m sure at this point you’re thinking, “Snarker, where the fuck are you going with this?” And that’s a very good question.

Because where I’m going with this is that I also realized if I hadn’t synched since Pride, that might not be the worst thing in the world because then some somewhat incriminating dancing photos/videos might not be on my phone anymore. Because as enthusiastic as I can be about dancing given the right mix of atmosphere and adult beverages, I’m not entirely sure it’s something I should save for posterity. Yet, after my restore finished, I was oddly relieved to see that I had lost only two apps, and all of my photos and videos – even the embarrassing dancing ones – were back. Sometimes, dorky dancing can be more delightful than the most graceful, most beautiful choreography. Not cooler or sexier, mind you. But often more spontaneous and ecstatic. So in honor of my recovered cache, here is an ode to the joy of dorky dancing.

Buffy & Company

When the Scooby Gang dances, the world smiles. And often is saved.

Tina Fey

Liz Lemon, the best dorky dancer since Elaine Benes.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Of course, no one can top the original.

Amy Poehler

That’s 1,000 extra bonus cuteness points for you, Amy Poehler.

Paget Brewster

That settles it, I would like dancing Paget to be my spirit animal.

p.s. And, no, you cannot see my own dorky dancing videos. I said I was happy they were back, not that I wanted to share. I’m not crazy.

Simply Criminal

Maybe this whole horrible season was a dream after all. News came yesterday that A.J. Cook might be returning to “Criminal Minds.” The show has become my favorite traditional crime procedural of late, leaping over “CSI” and whatever incarnation of “Law & Order” is still out there. I liked the chemistry of the team, and I really liked that there were almost as many women as men. Three women, four men. That doesn’t happen super often on crime shows. Usually it’s a whole bunch of guys and a gal. Or a whole bunch of guys and two gals. But that’s about it. (“Bones” has a good mix, too, but it’s as much comedy as crime.)

And, yes, I realize there could be healthy debate about the merits of watching shows where women are the victims of violent crime. Do I sometimes struggle with that when the crime is particularly heinous? Certainly. I actually watch some scenes in fast forward. But I think “Criminal Minds” does a good job of both balancing out male and female victims and not glorifying the people who commit the crimes. It’s about catching the very, very, very bad guy (or gal), which is always satisfying. Also, Kirsten Vangsness is adorable and out. So, that’s always nice to support on the old teevee.

Right, so where was I? Oh, AJ’s return. According to TVLine.com, she could return as a full-time regular just as original series executive producer Ed Bernero is leaving. That would leave executive producer Erica Messer in charge, which coincidence or not seems kind of telling. The series sent fans into a tizzy at the end of last season when they were going to drop both AJ and co-star Paget Brewster’s contracts. Um, what? Drop two of the female leads and keep all the boys? Um, what the fuckity-fuck?

Fans rallied and managed to save a bit of Paget’s role (she was back, though not for every episode and as watchers know, has since departed), but not AJ’s. And then they brought in a younger blond model – The Not AJ. And then they proceeded to make most of her scenes with Joe Mantegna to give the show that weird, creepy father-daughter vibe it had always been missing. GENIUS! Also, can we talk about how utterly ridiculous it is for an experienced, veteran team to bring someone into the field who (when she started) hadn’t even graduated the academy yet? This isn’t a summer internship program, this is a highly skilled elite team.

Also, in one season the show went from one that was guaranteed to fulfill the Bechdel Rule every episode to one with spotty compliance and a lopsided male-to-female ratio. Thanks, but no thanks. I stopped season passing it after Paget left.

Word is that if Paget’s NBC comedy pilot doesn’t get picked up, CBS has an option for her to return to “Criminal Minds.” That means they could be bringing the whole band back together. I don’t wish failure on Paget in any way, but come on that would be awesome. (Yes, I know there are negotiations underway for Thomas Gibson and Shemar Moore’s contracts.)

Anyway, bottom line, don’t fuck with the female characters. We’re not interchangeable like building blocks. You can’t just put a newer one in and think the tower you’ve built will keep standing just the same. Especially when those blocks are as badass as AJ and Paget.

The Unsnubbed

You know what I get a lot of emails saying? “You should write more about [insert beautiful, talented woman’s name here].” People are always asking me to write about their favorite actresses, singers, shows, athletes, authors, younameit. I don’t mind this at all. I’m just one person and, clearly, I am not omnipotent to even the tiniest degree. So I like being alerted to folks I may be shamefully ignoring. That said, there are certain people I purposely ignore, without the slightest hint of shame. Though I actually don’t get too many requests for those people. Not too many Kardashian fans read my blog it seems – imagine that. So here then is a round-up of some of my most frequently requested blog snubs (or just woefully underrepresented ladies), my reason for their previous snubbing and my heartfelt apologies.

Stana KaticI don’t watch “Castle.” And that’s the one and only reason why. Because, seriously, that bone structure – yum.

Crystal ChappellI don’t watch daytime soaps. And I don’t watch online soaps either. Jesus, I can’t even get through my DVR queue of nighttime shows.

Laura Sánchez & Marian AguileraI don’t speak Spanish. And my need-to-watch list of English-language shows is already ridiculous. Otherwise PepSi all the way.

Anna SilkI don’t know why I waited to write about “Lost Girl.” And I have even watched all the Bo & Lauren bits on YouTube, some multiple times. Those two together? Dead sexy.

Paget BrewsterI don’t have a good reason, again. And I’ve been watching this show for years. But I’m not sure how much longer I can hang now that she and AJ Cook are gone. Plus that new girl? Words cannot express how much I loathe her father-daughter vibe with Joe Mantegna. LOATHE.

So, kittens, who else have I missed? Who needs to bloglight shined on her? Remember, check the tags. I actually have written about a shockingly large number of ladies. It’s almost like it’s my jobs.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Special Agents

She runs. She jumps. She shoots. She looks damn good in a suit. Oh, secret agent lady. Come question me, I have information of national interest – in my pant. (Yes, yes – groan.) Piper Perabo made her debut this week into this most elite of groups. Ladies who speak softly and carry confidential credential – and a big gun, of course. In “Covert Affairs” Piper plays a young CIA trainee who gets upgraded to the big show a month early. Why? She speaks six languages. Why, really? She speaks six languages and can pass for a hooker. Why, really really? She speaks six languages and can pass for a hooker and while traveling in Sri Lanka had a brief but passionate affair with a man who said he was an English teacher but turns out to be wanted by the CIA for some reason. The show isn’t perfect, but it is plucky. And Piper, well, I’ve mentioned she looks great in a suit, right?

So in honor of Piper joining the sisterhood, how about a very special Gender Fuck Thursday welcome featuring the ladies in suits who put the “special” in “agent.”

CIA Agent Annie Walker (Piper Perabo), “Covert Affairs”If past is precedent, in one of her assignments she’ll play a lesbian.

FBI Agent Clarice Starling (Jodie Foster),
“Silence of the Lambs”Jodie was kind of born to wear a suit and a scowl, no?

FBI Special Agent Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson),
“The X-Files”Speaking of scowl, no one shoots a better skeptical one than Scully.

CIA Agent Sarah Walker (Yvonne Strahovski), “Chuck”Bonus points for the suit and glasses.

FBI Special Agent Renee Walker (Annie Wersching), “24”
If you play an agent odds are you’ll either be named Walker or have red hair, or both.

FBI Agent Olivia Dunham (Anna Torv), “Fringe”Someone tell me that the truth is there is Agent Dunham and Agent Scully fanfic out there.

CIA Field Agent Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner), “Alias”I wonder if she kept the red wig.

FBI Special Agent Emily Prentiss (Paget Brewster), “Criminal Minds”Good they’re bringing her back, even if not for every episode.

NCIS Field Agent Ziva David (Cote de Pablo), “NCIS”Leather jackets totally count.

Spanish Police Agent Pepa Miranda (Laura Sánchez),
“Los Hombre de Paco”Granted, this is really a vest, but I choose not to quibble with people who have guns.

EDIT: Heavens, I did forget FBI Special Agent Janis Hawk (FlashForward) and Secret Service Agent Myka Bering (Warehouse 13). I must clearly be punished. Any takers?

SGALGG: Love your television edition

Look, I realize we’re all on a “Glee” high right now (congrats Jane and Lea for those Golden Globe nods – and Matthew, but mostly that’s just for your lesbian hair). But Lea Michele and Dianna Agron aren’t the only TV co-stars who can bring award caliber SGALGG. In fact, many a leading ladies get extracurricularly touchy feely with each other. Those long hours on the set between takes with nothing to do but hang out and look longingly at one another naturally leads to a lot of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals situations. It’s like they know we’re writing the femflash already, so why not help us along. I mean, how can you look at that picture and not know that Joan and Peggy were made for each other?

NCIS: Pauley Perrette & Cote de PabloThe T-shirt says it all.

Grey’s Anatomy: Kate Walsh & Katherine HeiglKatherine seems to be protecting her delicate areas. It’s like she knows Kate is, um, grabby.

Weeds: Mary-Louise Parker & Elizabeth PerkinsHand placement is everything.

The Vampire Diaries: Kayla Ewell & Nina DobrevThey really, really shouldn’t have killed off Vicki.

Gossip Girl: Michelle Trachtenberg & Leighton MeesterEveryone is all about Serena and Blair, but that look says little Dawnie has some plans of her own – naughty plans.

Damages: Glenn Close & Rose ByrneOK, it’s a little May-December, but think of the delicious power struggle that would ensue.

30 Rock: Jane Krakowski & Katrina BowdenFooled you by not using Tina, didn’t I?

Modern Family: Sofía Vergara & Julie BowenI hear they don’t get along on the set. But, clearly, that’s a cover to hide the sexual tension. Clearly.

Criminal Minds: Kirsten Vangsness, A.J. Cook
& Paget BrewsterGranted, Kirsten is a GG instead of a SG. But A.J. and Paget look incredibly eager to, shall we say, experiment.

Glee: Jenna Ushkowitz, Lea Michele & Amber RileyWhat, you thought I’d forget “Glee” entirely?

Glee: Jessalyn Gilsig & Jayma MaysCould you imagine if Terri and Emma hooked up instead? Best of all, there’d be no need to fake any sort of pregnancy.

Like I was saying, God bless television.