My Weekend (Crying) Crush

Well, we made it through Week 2 of Orange Turd 2.0. Only 206 weeks (we hope) to go. So let’s use this time to slip once more into the dream/nightmare/WTF-scape of David Lynch’s mind. “Mulholland Drive” is one of my favorite Lynch offerings because who isn’t a sucker for murderous lesbianism? Life is endlessly strange and all-too-often dark. Not everything makes sense. But we can still find beauty within the chaos. The “Llorando” scene is a masterpiece in storytelling, with only an introduction of singer Rebekah Del Rio and no other spoken dialogue. But the sequence is the beginning of the end for Betty’s “reality” and return to Diane’s real reality. While I doubt we’ll all find a blue box and a secret key that whisks us into a different world – we certainly can dream, if only for a little while. Yes, I realize we’d probably want to reverse the order of her dream-box metamorphosis in this historical moment. But, life is strange and not fair. At least there’s still art. Happy weekend, all.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Unbowed

Yes, yes, I know – bow ties are cool. Loosened bow ties? Sometimes, on the beautiful lady, they’re even cooler. Plus, it’s been an insane a year so far and we’re not even half way through. So loosen that bow tie, ladies. Because who the hell knows what is coming next.

Cate Blanchett & Emily Blunt

That this photoshoot exists is proof there is a god and she’s definitely a lesbian.

Sue Perkins

Speaking of lesbians, way to represent, Sue.

Angelina Jolie

I mean, she’s single now – right?

Jane Lynch

It’s always so strange to see her as Spencer’s mom on “Criminal Minds.” But, fear not, she’ll be back to her womanizing comedy ways soon.

Angela Bassett

Sometimes I feel like I watch “American Horror Story” just for her. A lot of the time, actually.

Naomi Watts

Whenever I see Naomi I just think, but seriously, WTF was “Mulholland Drive” about?

Kate Winslet

Mean of her to steal the fainting couch when she knows we’ll need it.

Monica Bellucci

Don’t smoke. Or Monica will stop wearing this.

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

The cutest prom dates ever.

SGALGG: Oscars Edition

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming. So the Oscars were on Sunday. If you want a comprehensive recap of the big show (Cliffs Notes version: boobs song, sexist joke, Jaws theme, J-Falls perfectly) check it out over at AfterEllen. If you want to see a bunch of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals together, well, you know where to go. No, wait, don’t go anywhere. Stay here, because that’s where they are. No, I mean it. Just scroll down.

Jennifer Lawrence & Anne Hathaway

Don’t they look like the toppers on a gay lady same-sex wedding cake? Replace those shiny naked golden men with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and it’s pretty much ready for the “I Dos.”

Catherine Zeta-Jones & Jennifer Hudson

I am telling you, I’m not going…down on you in front of all of these people. Wait until later, darling.

Amanda Seyfried & Jessica Chastain

Zero Dark Eyes Up, Chastain. Eyes up.

Norah Jones & Adele

Think of the beautiful music they could make together. Figuratively and literally.

Reese Witherspoon, Naomi Watts & Isla Fisher

Naomi is the shiny meat in this beautiful cobalt blue sandwich.

Sally Field & Amy Poehler

Kiss! Make it a threesome with Tina Fey! Or with Aubrey Plaza since she’s leering at you two together in the background already.

Halle Berry & Paula Patton

No, you’re prettier. No, you’re prettier. No, you’re prettier. No, you’re… Sorry, I’m imagining their conversation.

Anne Hathaway & Sarah Silverman

Unlike Zeta-Jones and JHud, they’re not waiting to be alone to make the magic happen.

Miley Cyrus & Kelly Osbourne

This is becoming a regular thing for these two. Same time, same place next year I can only assume.

Jennifer Aniston & Charlize Theron

The blurriness of this picture was obviously caused by Jen lunging toward Charlize because no one has the kind of restraint to hold herself back when presented with that much stunning.

Charlize’s Hair

I’ve never asked a haircut to call me before. But in this case, gurl, call me.

Tank Top Tuesday: Play Gay Edition

You know what gay ladies love? Well, lots of things, really. But besides cats, tea, recreational sporting events and other ladies in general, what gay ladies really love is are actresses who play us on TV (or movies, but come on everyone eventually watches movies on their TV so potayto/potahto – say that last bit out lout in your head). So thought I’d give a few of these fine thespian ladies the old tank top salute and thank them for their faithful, super gay service. A very small sampling of the ladies who will happily play gay for fun and profit. Also, who doesn’t like looking at pictures of Piper Perabo? She has a Twitter now, by the way – and has already tweeted Lena. Sigh. Now off to watch that movie on my TV again.

Rutina Wesley

Did you watch the “True Blood” season premiere? No spoilers, but holy shit.

Famke Janssen

Remember when she made out with Kelly Preston in “Eulogy?” Of course you do.

Megan Follows

Remember when she was a gay lady making Kerry Weaver feel uncomfortable on “ER?” Maybe not, but thank heavens there’s video.

Berta Hernández

I didn’t keep up with “Tierra de lobos” like I should have. Is everyone still a lesbian, and alive?

Shay Mitchell

I’m pretty sure burning that plaid shirt in the Season 3 premiere of “Pretty Little Liars,” was a major felony in lesbian court. But having met Shay, I can safely say we should forgive her anything ever on the planet.

Charlize Theron

Saw “Prometheus” over the weekend. Eh. Guess now I am holding out my high heroine hope for “Brave.”

Naomi Watts

“Mulholland Drive” remains one of the hottest/most confusing movies ever.

Allison McAtee

“Bloomington” wasn’t really a great movie. But it did give legions of budding lesbians hope that their college would be filled with lascivious professors like Catherine.

Evan Rachel Wood

In order of my favorite gay roles for EVR ERW I’d have to go “Once & Again,” “True Blood” and then “Thirteen.” But, really, they’re all pretty close. Also, dammit, I still miss Queen Sophie-Anne.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Break the Tie Edition

Tied! Untied! Tied! Untied! Tied! Untied! OK, you get where I’m going here, right? I’ve discussed my love of a nice tie – bow or neck – in the past. But the question always remains – tied or untied? Which is sexier? Often it’s situational. Start of the date: tied. End of the date: untied. Really, the great thing about a tie is its ability to be either or, whenever you want it. Fine, too much kumbatie for you? Then go ahead and decide for yourself. Tied? Untied? Delightfully loose like Noni? Some choices are just…fun.

Janelle MonaeTied, definitely tied.

Jane LynchWait, untied, definitely untied.

Noomi RapaceDammit. No, I mean it, tied.

Kate WinsletNo! I was so wrong. Untied!

Regina SpektorFine. I give up.

Monica BellucciI said I give up.

Hope SoloNow you’re just hurting me.

Naomi WattsOfficially dead.

Right, so what did you decide? Tied or untied? I know, both.

SGALGG: Hands! Hands! Edition

You know what we haven’t done in a while? A little Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. But I feel positively inspired after seeing all those soccer stars hug each other with their legs in sportsmanship. So now, how about celebrating when the ladies get handsy? Like Chyler Leigh and Mia Kirshner. Seeing Little Grey and Crazy Jenny go all Girls Gone Wild is, um, interesting. Yes, interesting. That’s my predominant emotion right now. Interest. So in the interest of being interested, I thought I’d let some SGALGG fingers do the walking and celebrate some more-than friendly hand placements. As Willow said to Vamp Willow: Hands! Hands!

Michelle Williams & friendHand holding, the basics never go out of style.

Maria Bello & Mariska HargitayHugging, also a classic.

Blake Lively & Leighton MeesterThe old, subtle let’s compare hands trick.

Thora Birch & Mena Suvari Though, subtlety can be overrated.

Laura Harring & Naomi WattsI’m still not entirely sure what “Mulholland Dr.” was all about. But I sure liked it when they kissed.

Emily Haines & FeistAfter a few drinks, arm wrestling always seems like a good idea.

Kate Bosworth & Zoe SaldanaIt’s not Kate’s hand around her waist as much as the hand reaching down for Zoe’s other hand that makes this so, well, yum.

Jessica Alba & Kate HudsonIn my head, she’s doing the opposite of holding Kate’s dress down. My head is a good place sometimes.

Minka Kelly & Minka KellyI don’t know why, but all of a sudden that Divinyls song “I Touch Myself” is running through my head.

Annie Wersching & Angie HarmonOne hand precariously high on Annie’s waist, the other on her gun. Yep, super duper straight.

Speaking of super duper straight, here are Angie Harmon & Sasha Alexander in their new TV Guide photoshoot. Clearly, I need to make more straight female friends immediately.