Tuesday, February 28, 2017

SGALGG Oscar Edition

Yeah, I still am not over how the Oscars ended. Or how many people (not you, Casey Affleck) who I was genuinely rooting for won. Or that it took until 2017 for the first LGBT film/first film with a black cast/first film directed by a black director to win. All these wonderful, barrier-break moments plus a lotta straight gals acting like gay gals? Some nights are just lucky, I guess.

Emma Stone & Some Lady

Kuddos to Some Lady for totally going for it with Emma.

Michelle Williams & Busy Philipps

Michelle is looking at Busy like she can’t believe her dream date agreed to go with her to prom.

Octavia Spencer & Janelle Monae

Meanwhile Janelle is beaming like she can’t believe Octavia accepted her invitation to dance at prom.

Amy Adams & Elizabeth Banks

Elizabeth is doing everything she can to maintain eye contact and not get lost in Amy’s cleavage.

Jennifer Aniston & Nicole Kidman

Jennifer is explaining to Nicole that Keith is obviously just a sad doppelgänger (cut, chunky highlights) for her and she should face her real attractions.

Taraji P. Henson & Mimi Valdes

Taraji is really, really trying to steal Pharrell’s Oscar date. And It’s working.

Charlize Theron & Shirley MacLaine

Charlize isn’t acting particularly gay towards Shirley, but her ponytail is.

Scarlett Johansson

President of the Alternative Lifestyle Haircut Lovers Club.

Kate McKinnon & Katie Couric

You know Kate is making Katie consider it. You know.

Viola Davis

Gay or straight, Viola is giving this face for all womankind disgusted that this sexual harasser is now an Oscar winner.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Beauty in the Moonlight

Well, that was nuts. But that wonderful kind of nuts that you can’t believe really happened. And you rewind. And you rewind. And you rewind, just to make sure I really did. The universe does not give us too many second shots to make things right. And when it does they are very, very rarely this for of instant gratification Like, about a minute after instant. But “Moonlight” winning for Best Picture at the Oscars was right. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed “La La Land.” I love the retro feel and vibrant colors. It was lovely. But “Moonlight,” well “Moonlight” was something else entirely. “Moonlight” was important.

A movie about growing up gay and black in America. A movie about the complexity of modern masculinity. A movie about love.

And the first LGBTQ movie to win a best picture Oscar. It has done what “Philadelphia,” “Brokeback Mountain,” “The Kids Are All Right,” “Carol” and more could not accomplish (and, in some cases weren’t even nominated for – still bitter for Carol Aird). And, no less significant, it is the first film with an all-black cast, and the first film with a black director to take home the honor.

“Moonlight” is the antithesis to our current political climate. A movie that lovingly explores growing up poor, black and gay. A movie that reinforces how essential it is to tell diverse stories. A movie that reminds us how important it is for us to see our lives reflected back at us. If we cannot find mirrors, how will be know what we look like – and be reassured that we are OK?

Now, more than ever, telling these kind of stories in essential. Representation matters. It always matters. Congratulations, “Moonlight.” Now, time for a gay ladies movie to do the same thing.

p.s. Yes, I am still pissed about “Carol” not even getting a best picture nomination. I will always be pissed about that.

Friday, February 24, 2017

My Weekend Rise

In this age of limited series, anthology shows, binge watching and streaming services, the thought of a good, old-fashioned, multi-day broadcast miniseries is down-right quaint. The format, once the realm of prestige network television, has tackled historical dramas and western romanticism (like, Jesus, how many “Lonesome Doves” were there – a thousand?) And one of its go-to genres has been Very Important Social Issues (think “Roots”).

So for the LGBT community to finally get its old-school historical miniseries moment (yes, I know – there have been series like “Angels in America” and “Tales of the City,” but this is more all-encompassing) means something. Which is why I plan to watch “When We Rise.” The ABC miniseries chronicles the modern LGBT rights movement from Stonewall to present day. It chronicling the lives of real-life activists. It has a slew of high-profile actors and high-profile directors. For all intents and purposes it looks earnest and heartfelt.

I don’t know if it will be any good, because all I’ve seen is the trailer so far. But I do know that we, as a community, are due something that takes our struggle and our history seriously. Something that does not whitewash. Something that does not sugarcoat. Something that emphasizes the struggle still ahead. (And, as we say this week, this administration is not and has never been our friend – or a friend to POC or immigrants or Muslims or anyone else who isn’t a straight white rich male).

“When I Rise” will air four consecutive nights next week starting Monday (only interrupted Tuesday by Cheeto Hitler’s address to Congress, that asshole) on ABC. I really hope it’s good. We deserve it, we really do. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Fuck Trump in Particular

Fuck everyone in this cruel, heartless administration. Yesterday, Tump and his minions rescinded federal guidelines protecting transgender students in public schools. The Obama-era directives stated that trans kids must be allowed to access bathrooms and locker rooms that match their gender identity. Now, in withdrawing those protections, Trump is leaving it to each state to decide where a trans student will be allowed to pee. And, make no mistake, this is not just about bathrooms but about the right for trans kids to exist in public spaces.

All through the election, and now even after, people have been yelling at me to relax, that Trump isn’t anti-LGBT. He loves The Gays. Remember when he held up that rainbow flag? I mean, sure, it was upside down. And sure, someone scribbled a sad little "s" at the end of LGBT because they did not know if it was plural or not. But, see, he totally loves you guys. See! Gee, where are those people now?

Look, we all knew Trump would come for LGBT people. Mike Pence is his vice president, Jeff Sessions is his attorney general. Old White Bigots is pretty much the name of his garage band. But it shows how vile, how downright reprehensible Trump and his cabinet really are for the first group for him to target with his blind hatred to be, literally, children.

This hurts trans kids. Period.

It is disgusting, unconscionable, fucking evil for Trump to go after one of the most vulnerable populations out there. Like, we knew he was a bully – we all knew that. But for his first action against the LGBT community be to bully trans kids. I just. I cannot fathom that level of inhumanity.

Let’s drop some statistics about trans students, those fact things he hates so much.

According to statistics from the National Center for Transgender Equality:

- 75% of transgender youth feel unsafe at school
- 59% of transgender students have been denied access to restrooms consistent with their gender identity
- 40% of transgender adults reported having made a suicide attempt – and 92% of those individuals attempted suicide before the age of 25.
This is who he is hurting. This is who he chooses to attack. Children. Real, live children.

The rule in comedy, in writing and indeed in life is to always punch up. Make fun of, go after, fight against those with the most power, the most privileged. Take it to the people who can take – and in many cases deserve – a punch. What has always and continues to astound me is how Donald Trump, a man born into unimaginable wealth who has lived his life in a literal golden tower, whines constantly about being the victim.

You know who the true victims are, Donald? The trans students fearful for their lives, fearful to go to school, fearful of a president who gave states the OK to discriminate against them – they are the victims. They are your victims. Everything he has done is the very definition – both figuratively and literally (given his skyscraper perch) of punching down.

Well guess what, I will never stop punching up at this president. Ever. And neither will so many others who have your back. We promise.

p.s. Yes, of course, this also hurts non-conforming, non-binary, genderqueer folks, too. But to the Trump administration that is just a fringe benefit. The goal, which cannot be denied, is to hurt trans kids.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

You Don't Cate Me

Sometimes the universe drops these little hints that it loves us and wants us to be happy. Two otters holding hands. A baby elephant taking a bath. An epic murmuration over peaceful waters. But all those natural delights, delightful as they are, are subtle gestures when compared to be enormous gift the cosmos handed us this week. Nothing compares to the unbridled joy (and a couple other considerably more salacious emotions) that are evoked by the sight of Cate Blanchett lip synching to Lesley Gore while wearing a glitter tuxedo bustier at a drag benefit for a gun violence prevention at the Stonewall Inn. I know, I KNOW, there’s a lot to unpack there – and all of it is AMAZING. It is stop whatever mundane nothing task you are doing right now, like saving a family from a burning building, and watch immediately amazing.

So let us unpack this wonder of sparkles and sex.

One, we have Cate Blanchett in that glitter tuxedo bustier. Meow.

Two, she is singing Lesley Gore’s “You Don’t Own Me.” Iconic.

Three, she is dancing surrounded by drag queens. Squee.

Four, this is all for an incredibly worthy cause. Nice.

Five, the way she picks up those tips. ASDFGHJKL.

A post shared by Rocío López (@clorofila_s) on

*melts forever and ever I am gone goodbye*

p.s. Did I mention she also sways sensually in the background to Adele’s “Hello” while wearing Pussy Hat?

A post shared by Stonewall (@thestonewallinn) on

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

The Good Recap

Hey, hey, hey. Guess what? No, sorry, everything since November hasn’t been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad dream. But! Here is something I hope you will find not so terrible and maybe even good. I’m recapping again. Yes, indeedy.

The kind folks at Autostraddle are having me write recaps for the new CBS All Access show “The Good Fight” (a spinoff of “The Good Wife). So far the show is essentially TGW but without Carol Hathaway, Big or BAMF Kalinda. Instead it has Ygritte, more POC and lesbians. So, not a terrible trade in my book. The show premiered on Sunday and the first recap is up now at Autostraddle. If you’d be so kind, I’d love you to pop on over and have a look right here.

More not horrible, very exciting news – I’ll also be recapping “The Handmaid’s Tale” for them when it debuts on Hulu in April.

This is all very exciting and I’m thrilled to become part of this smart, vibrant and inclusive community.

Monday, February 20, 2017

My Dinner With Hillarys

Hey, want to start your week off right? Want to start your week off in the world we all wish we lived in? Want to go to there? Then please enjoy Hillary Clinton and Kate McKinnon having a nice quiet dinner together in New York late last week. We all know Hillary has been wandering in the woods and catching all the Broadway shows in the process of living her best life post-election. (Lord knows, she deserves it.) Meanwhile, Kate has been busy playing pretty much every member of the Trump administration.

Just imagine, if you can without sobbing, what it would have been like with four glorious years of Kate's Hillary impersonations on SNL. We lost that, and obviously so (so, so, so) much more. But, at least they can share a nice meal together and talk about the could have beens. And we get a glimpse of dinner we would very much like to be invited to.

p.s. Apologies for posting this early over the weekend. But here is a little reminder of the chemistry these two have in real life. Dammit, you know they would be such great dinner company together.

Friday, February 17, 2017

My Weekend Crush

The night is too often dark and full of terrors. But sometimes, just sometimes, it hands us these little gifts. These precious surprises. These unexpected moments of grace. “San Junipero” is one of those little gifts. If you know anything about “Black Mirror,” the anthology series that adds a dark technological spin to the “Twilight Zone” concept, you know happily ever after isn’t necessarily its thing. But I had heard about its “San Junipero” episode since last fall when it premiered. But then life, and the horrifying world, got in the way.

But this month, finally, I found the time and head space to sit down and watch. To really watch. And, goodness, am I glad I did.

If you haven’t watched already, I really don’t want to give too much away. Figuring it all out for yourself is such an essential part of this journey. Through the whole episode I felt as if the answer was right there, so close, I could graze it with my fingertips. But I never got their until they wanted me to, until at last I could embrace it.

But the set-up is a flashy good-time girl named Kelly (the vivacious Gugu Mbatha-Raw) meets a bespectacled quiet girl named Yorkie (Emily Blunt look-alike Mackenzie Davis) in 1987. They’ve found each other in San Junipero, a place of seemingly endless, all-night parties. And there’s an attraction, almost instantly. Which is fought because these things are always fought. But then it isn’t. And there is Belinda Carlile. Forever.

Plus, and again I do not want to give too much away, it features perhaps the most clever subversion of the Bury Your Gays trope to ever be seen on screen.

The questions evoked by “San Junipero” are the biggest ones there are. What is a happy ending? How long can love last? Who defines consciousness? Is the 80s your era?

What I will say, because you should really experience this for yourself, is that at times it seems we have so few shots at happiness in this world. And even when we find it, it can be so fleeting. So when you do, enjoy the hell out of it. Enjoy it for as long as you can – however long that may be. We make our own happy endings. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

With Wives Like These

[Video removed because link died because Seeso died]

Hey, does watching the news make you literally want to scream endlessly into the black void of existence while simultaneously rocking back-and-forth in a corner and crying nonstop? Me too! But, good news, fun things still exist. Good things still exist. And finding joy is a fucking political act in 2017. So, here is some joy. Remember last fall, back when we all still felt pretty confident Hillary would win and the world wouldn’t devolve into a cesspool of villainy and incompetence? Well that’s when I told you all about Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher’s new series “Take My Wife.” And we all watched the free first episode together and we liked it and we were like, “Yes, yes! Quality lesbian content! Thank you, series of tubes!”

But then things got busy and you were like, I’ll watch it after the election. Because we had no idea the world as we knew it was about to end. But then the unthinkable happened and, let’s be honest, we took all of November and probably most of December off to recuperate/sob. And so the New Year started and we were all doing cardio and stretching to get ready for our new anticipated hellscape. But then it happened and it was so much worse than we could have thought and every day feels like 20 days. Like, come on, how is any of this even happening? So we marched and we made signs and we called out fucking congress people and we cursed – so much cursing. Still, a gal can only live on white-hot rage and clever chant slogans for so long.

So, finally, you sit down and watch the rest of the season of “Take My Wife.” And, girl, it’s good. It’s funny. It’s smart. And, of course, the stars have amazing chemistry (duh, hello, married). Plus, it also has real things to say about real subjects, but not in the After School Special kind of way where Helen Hunt jumps out of a plate-glass window because don’t do drugs, kids. Like, that is one of the best handlings of the whole “rape joke” controversy I have ever seen (there is also more than the scene below, but I won’t spoil it for you)

Plus, and this is truly a bonus, no lesbians die. Or are evenly gravely injured. Fine, maybe just a tiny bit of their pride. But it is consensual. I know, what you are thinking is, ”What?” How is that even possible? Don’t they know like the Rules of Television Lesbianism?

Anway. As I was saying. Find your joy where you can. And it was truly a joy to watch “Take My Wife.”

p.s. You can watch the whole season on Seeso, thought I know you still have no idea what that is. But, rest assured, it is a real thing and they even have free trials.

p.s.s. Did I mention that after each episode Cameron and Rhea process the episode? Like, seriously, how gay is that? So gay.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

From Russia With The Opposite of Love

[Cue extreme Jan brady voice] Russia! Russia! Russia!

Hey, remember back last July when Donald Trump called on Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails and everyone was like, “Hahahaha, that scamp.” And then Hillary warned every one, repeatedly (like, seriously, a lot) that Trump was compromised by Russia and everyone was like, “That’s nice, BUT HER EMAILS.” And then Russia actually did interfere to influence our election, just like Trump asked them to. And now here we fucking are? Yeah. That was fun.

Anyway. Here is Black Widow, aka Natasha Romanov, kicking some Russian ass for your personal enjoyment for no reason whatsoever. Наслаждаться!

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

All You Need Is Love Song

Ah, love songs. I know, I know. Some of you might not be in the mood. Others of you have your own favorites you play on repeats in your hearts. But on this day, of all days, I wanted to share a sweet love song with you. So whether you’re spending this day with someone special or just plan to be extra special to yourself, feel the love courtesy the imitable Brandi Carlile and her lovely wife Catherine Shepherd. Happy Valentine’s Day, kittens.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Trump You Very Much

I am sharing this with you because a) It is funny, and b) It probably drives Donald Trump crazy to have a black woman portray him on TV. Like, really, really crazy. Like he definitely threw something against the wall with his tiny, tiny little orange hands when he saw Leslie Jones playing him. And anything that annoys The Great Hate Pumpkin makes me very, very happy. Which, in my book, is a pretty good way to start a week.

p.s. Pro Tip: Hurling insults at Trump on Twitter is oddly therapeutic and literally the only good thing about having a spoiled toddler who likes to tweet as our president.

Friday, February 10, 2017

My Weekend Anne

I won’t lie, I don’t know how I feel about this. On the one hand, OMG, a new Anne of Green Gables. If you have been here for any length of time you know Anne Shirley is one of my favorite characters, period. I remain convinced Anne and Diana were bosom friends with benefits. I have read, and this is not being hyperbolic, everything L.M. Montgomery has ever written. Fine, everything she published in the United States that I could get my hands on about Anne and Avonlea and Emily and Pat and even “The Story Girl.” Hell, I made my family vacation on Prince Edward Island. Megan Follows was one of my first crushes so interviewing her was one of the highlights of my professional life.

So I come at the new Netflix adaptation of “Anne of Green Gables” with a mixture of hope and dread and nervous excitement. Will it be as good? What does “grittier” mean? So now we see our first glimpse of our new Anne in action and I’m… I don’t know. She certainly looks the part from the books. A thin, small face with all those freckles and red hair. She looks decidedly more gawky than Megan, which isn’t bad necessarily.

My only real complaint right now. That weak-ass slate slap. Dude, Anne SMASHES her slate over Gilbert’s head when he calls her “carrots.” There’s no tepid slap. Crush that thing, girl.

So, what do you think. There’s really not enough here to say anything definitively. Though, I feel pretty safe in saying that no matter what, this new adaptation has to be better than that weak-ass PBS version with Martin Sheen terribly miscast as Matthew. Let us never speak of that version ever again. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, February 09, 2017

Gay Ladies, Mark Your Calendars

Hey, gay ladies, mark it down. And all people who are friends with gay ladies, take note. June 9, 2017. “Orange Is the New Black” is back. So don’t bother us, we’re watching.

p.s. I am both incredibly excited and incredibly dreading this year’s return. After what happened (sniffle, wail, still not over it) and how it ended, things seem to be going form bad to worse to oh fuckfuckfuck. I am both not ready and can’t wait.

Wednesday, February 08, 2017

Chicks Love My 9-inch Zipper

I don’t understand The Fashions. I still have some shirts I wore in college hanging in my closet – and I wear them outside of the house sometimes, too. But I do understand that everything old is new again. And if you wait long enough, everything goes out of style and then comes back into style and then goes back out of style and repeat for infinity. Bell bottoms. Choker necklaces. Robber barons. You know, the usual. It has been particularly amusing to watch mom jeans return. I’m convinces modern jean trends are designed to fit as few body types as earthly possible. First jeans so skinny everyone looks like a frenched pork chop. And now jeans so high-waisted they practically double as a top. Thanks, The Fashions. But, the return of mom jeans does give me the opportunity to rewatch my favorite fauxmerical of all time. Mom jeans, mom jeans!

Tuesday, February 07, 2017

Requiem for the Mediocre White Man

Hey, did you spend last weekend watching a bunch of dudes hit other dudes? Yes, yes – I know, you were just in it for the commercials. And Lady Gaga. Still, odds are you have had your fill of overly confident dudes for the day/week/next four years. So here is one of my favorite overconfident mediocre white man takedown of all time. Oh, ladies of “Criminal Minds.” This show doesn’t deserve you. But us ladies certainly do. Poor little ass, indeed.

Monday, February 06, 2017

I'm Like So Gay, Dude

So are we gonna have to make Totino’s the official lesbian food now or what? So that sound you might have heard on Saturday night was gay women across America screaming with joy for the first time since Nov. 8, 2016. Yes, it was the night Kristen Stewart went on national TV and called herself “so gay.” Like so, so, so gay. Yes, I know – everyone knew already. But there’s something always to be said to saying it out loud. Simply, definitively. Yep, she’s so gay. Also, how badass is it to come out while telling off our new so-called president? So badass.

And then they had to go and make things even gayer with perhaps the best fake advertisement in the history of all advertising. In the pantheon of super gay ladies hosting SNL, this performance rivals Ellen “hug them with my legs in friendship” Page. You move, Jodie Foster.

p.s. Seriously, though. Who needs to go get a bag of frozen Totino’s out of the fridge to cool down now? Also, how Very Shane Today was Kristen looking in that video? Damn, girl.

p.p.s. Here is KStew’s full monologue. Because, dude, she is so gay.

Friday, February 03, 2017

My Weekend Crush

Oh, Liz Lemon. How I miss your entirely relatable bouts of exasperation. Your entirely quotable frustrated gobbledygook words. Your entirely stoic preservation through a world of ineptitude, callousness and more than a little insanity. In short, I could use a little Lemon today – make that this year. As the meme goes:

Liz: “What a week, huh?”
Jack: “Lemon, it’s Wednesday.”
But, you know, modified for 2017. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, February 02, 2017

Double the Opposite of Trouble

Here’s something that will be pertinent to your lady loving interests. Ruby Rose (your favorite tattooed Australian model-turned-former Litchfield inmate) and Milla Jovovich (your favorite former Ukrainian model-turned-undead killing franchise heroine) went head-to-head on “Lip Sync Battle.” The two actresses also appear together in the newest (and final) chapter of the “Resident Evil” series. So this was a bit of very (very, very – hello, so much flirting) friendly competition. I suggest you find the full episode to see all the mutual girl crusher (colorful commentator Chrissy Teigen did her fair share, on both, as well). But at the very least enjoy these two rocking it out. As the kids would say, “Now kiss!”

Wednesday, February 01, 2017

Another Ocean To Cross

I have said for the past two months (78 days, to be exact) that “Oceans 8” is one of the only things I’m looking forward to in 2017. And now, dammit, I’ve finally realized that “Oceans 8” isn’t coming out in 2017. It’s not coming out until 2018. And summer 2018 at that. GODDAMIT, UNIVERSE. Throw me a bone here. I need every sliver of joy I can get to make it through each day. At the very least you have to give me more than one single picture of the elegant eight sitting together/apart in a subway car. Fine. Sigh. I’ll take it. Hey, it is a rough year. We take what we can.