Lesbian Rocky

Did you know Wanda Sykes is in a sports drama as a butch queer former boxing champ and recovering alcoholic? Yeah, neither did I. But there she is, in her first big dramatic role, wearing sleeveless muscle shirts and giving her estranged son the full Rocky treatment. Apparently Wanda’s character also gets to romance a hot tattoo artist. All that, plus she’s already way hotter than Cus D'Amato. Get it, Wanda. Cue “Lesbian Eye of the Tiger!”

The Golden Wandas

I know I said I’d write about the Golden Globes, but honestly I thought they were pretty meh. Part of this is because so few celebrities took the opportunity, international attention and enormous platform to say something, anything about the cruelty and craziness unfolding all around us. Yes, there were notable exceptions (see, this is why we stan Jean Smart, Wanda Sykes and Natasha Lyons. You too, Mark Ruffalo – but you’re a straight white man so truly more of your brethren need to start showing up).

I don’t have any feelings about “One Battle After Another” yet because I haven’t watched it, though I do have mostly sleepy feelings about “Hamnet” (which moved at a glacial pace before packing a surprisingly emotional punch at the very end). I was also pleasantly surprised by Nikki Glaser’s return hosting gig, mostly because of her dig at the Bari Weiss-ified CBS News. But I really loved Wanda Sykes. Leave it to the queer Black woman to speak the most truth to the powerful and privileged in the room. I mean, she roasted Bill Maher and Ricky Gervais to their faces (well, Ricky wasn’t there – but you know he heard that). The best part of the night, by far, was that after Gervais inexplicably won, Wanda followed through on her threat to thank “God and the trans community” on his behalf. Be more like Wanda, Hollywood.

Serious Funny Business

Fortune inspired me to find more joy. And comedians, well, if they’re doing it right they’re professional joymakers. So if you’re decompressing from your family and ready to laugh, here is a little taste of Wanda Sykes. I’ve watched all of Wanda’s Netflix specials. And it is high time I rewatch them. As an out Black lesbian comic, her career is a testament to perseverance, talent and just being yourself. Truly, she should have been as big, or bigger, than Ellen. But, you know, she’s doing pretty well as is – despite the election results. I can’t wait for her next special. Given her recent appearance on Jimmy Kimmel, she’ll have plenty of material. Sometimes we laugh to keep from crying.

Pride Is a (Laugh) Riot

Remember when I said it’s important to celebrate our histories? Like yesterday? Well, here’s a chance to celebrate the funniest part of our LGBTQ+ history, our comics. Netflix’s new documentary “Outstanding: A Comedy Revolution” bills itself as the first feature-length documentary to showcase queer stand-up history. We can all remember the out comics who were brave (and crazy – to quote Melissa) enough to make their sexual orientation part of the joke, instead of the butt of their jokes from the start of their careers. And we can also honor the comics who hit it big, and then came out later at the risk of steep personal costs. Whatever path they took to being authentically themselves, they made comedy out of what for so many could just be tragedy. Today’s comics stand on the shoulders of those who came before, who blazed trails that needed to be blazed. To be fully ourselves we need to be part of every corner of our culture because – I got news for you, you sorry sad homophobes, we’re already there. So here’s to the very funny folks who helped to make the world laugh with us, instead of at us. Pride started as a riot, and can continue as a laugh riot.

GGALGG: Queer Oscars 2022 Edition

Well, this was NOT the year to skip the Oscars if you like to see talented queer women living their best lives and/or like to see Academy Award-winning bitchslaps on live television. Like, I sincerely thought the “Moonlight”/”La La Land” best picture fiasco was going to be the craziest thing I watched on the Oscars telecast in my lifetime (baring, of course, the cringe-tastic Rob Lowe/Snow White opening trainwreck).

Anyway, while the men created their own, scene-stealing mess, queer Hollywood — particularly queer women of color — came out and shone brighter than a damn diamond. Queer women, trans women and trans men were the highlight of my night and almost enough to erase the ugliness of the evening. Almost.

In particular I was heartened by “West Side Story” stand-out Ariana DeBose’s win for best supporting actress which makes her the first queer person of color and first Afro-Latina to take home the naked golden man. While accepting her trophy, Ariana also gave one of the most touching speeches of the night, which honestly I tear up even now transcribing.

“You see a queer, openly queer woman of color, an Afro Latina who found her strength in life through art. And that’s what I believe we’re here to celebrate. So to anybody who has ever questioned your identity ever, ever, ever, or you find yourself living in the gray spaces, I promise you this: There is indeed a place for us.”

No slap can overshadow this sincerity. We belong. Considering yesterday Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signed the hateful “Don't Say Gay” bill into law, it’s a message we could all hear a few more times right about now.

In fact, you should watch/rewatch her whole acceptance. I’m not crying, you’re crying.

So here’s the rest of the Big Gay Oscars. What a night for women who love women, queers who love being fabulous and all of us at home who got to feel like — if only for a moment — the somehow, some day, somewhere we’ve all been dreaming of has finally arrived.

First, The Couples:

Ariana DeBose & girlfriend costume designer Sue Makkoo

I mean, they even do the stock photo favorite lesbian forehead meld pose together.

Niecy Nash & wife singer Jessica Betts

Niecy’s purse says “Wifey for Lifey,” y’all. And more red carpet lesbian forehead meld.

Wanda Sykes & wife Alex Niedbalski

Wanda was great as one-third of the night’s hosts. But then, Wanda is always great, as is her white tux in particular.

Queen Latifah & partner choreographer Eboni Nichols

The Queen brought her longtime partner (read into that line however you will) to Hollywood’s biggest night for the first time. Ahem.

Kristen Stewart & fiancée screenwriter Dylan Meyer

I truly, truly appreciate that KStew came to the Oscars with one and only one fashion goal in mind: Look hot for the lesbians. Thank you, a grateful nation of queer women thank you. Also, that smooch? Yeah, I bet that made a bunch of kids in the middle of nowhere feel a little less lonely.

Also, pretty sure she out Shane-ed Shane with this look.

Next, The Stag:

Hannah Einbinder

I just appreciate how the “Hacks” star can two-fist her drinks. Also, I didn’t know if this was her date or not so I didn’t want to make things awkward for either of them on Tinder. Apologies if you should be in the above category. Also, white tuxes are apparently a thing for us now, queer women. Take note.

Stephanie Beatriz

I just love how she’s finding fame in a whole other way than her “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” way. Yes, duh, I love “Encanto.” (Also, technically, I think her husband was there somewhere but she’s solo in this shot so there.)

Elliot Page

You really can’t go wrong with a classic tuxedo. I love seeing his smile these days.

Laverne Cox

Flawless, no notes.

Tessa Thompson & Janelle Monae

No, I don’t think they’re still a couple. But they sure look good side-by-side. Like a couple from the future on Earth Colony 275 or something. Not that they’re a couple.

Lady Gaga & Liza Minnelli

The Lady and the Legend. Gaga’s tender, dignified care for Liza was a salve on a lot of the ugliness from last night. Kindness can also be iconic.

And finally, The Sarah:

Sarah Paulson & Amanda Peet

Don’t have a heart attack, Sarah and Holland are still together. Sarah just took her bestie/girlfriend stand-in Amanda to the show instead and had some — shall we say, fun. Also, of course Sarah’s dress has pockets.

Sarah & Kirsten Dunst

All I’m saying is, while the cat’s away, The Sarah will Kiki. But in a respectful way that never denigrates her love. Look, I don’t want their whatever their portmanteau’s name is stans to come after me.

Sarah & Sophie Turner

All hail Sarah Catharine Paulson. First of Her Name, Queen of the Lesbians, Protector of the WLW Kingdoms, the Mother of Fangirls, the Paulson of the Queer Lady Sea, the Unstraight, the Breaker of Heteronormativity

Sarah & Lena Waithe

That’s almost too much queer excellence for one photo. Almost.

Sarah & Jean Smart & Judith Light

This is photographic proof that at least one of the gods loves queer people and wants us to be happy.

Bonus, The KStew Dancing

I don’t think this is Dylan. (And, apologies if it is.) But, um. Queer women, seriously, after seeing all of this… What slap?

Host This

Wait, could the Oscars be…good this year? Yesterday news broke that the award ceremony will have three female hosts: Amy Schumer, Wanda Sykes and Regina Hall. And, honestly, that’s kind of exciting. All these ladies are great. The broadcast will have each host host an hour of the show — just another reminder that this thing is long and you should just get comfortable and lean into the useless production numbers.

Now, granted, the Oscars (which are only slightly less So White this year) have a lot to make up for. But hiring three women and diverse hosts to lead the show is a good step. Also, in case you’ve somehow forgotten, Wanda is an out queer woman. Representation matters, especially at the Oscars.

I’m behind in my Oscar viewing this year and have only seen a handful of the best picture nominees so far. I used some of my Covid down time to watch “The Power of the Dog,” which I was on the fence about until the very, very end and then loved because — wow, that ending. Truly, it’s the sort of movie that has more impact the less you know. But, yeah, it’s pretty gay.

Also, Jane Campion is definitely due her golden statuette. She’s perhaps the most acclaimed female director working today and the only female director to be nominated twice for an Academy Award. (Yes, I know, Kathryn Bigelow exists — but her credits read like a gender flip of Campion’s. Campion “The Power of the Dog” is her only film that doesn’t explicitly center a female lead, whereas Bigelow has made almost exclusively male-driven films except for “Zero Dark Thirty” because it had Jessica Chastain.)

But how gay are this year’s Oscars? Well, right off the bat we’ve got Wanda shepherding us through at least a third of the show. So that’s pretty fruity. And two out queer female actors also earned nods this year: Kristen Stewart for Best Actress in “Spencer” and Ariana DeBose for Best Supporting Actress for “West Side Story.” So, yay gay to that.

So, what were your favorite movies this past year — gay or otherwise.

Force Majeure Gay

In case you were wondering, yes, cartoons have gotten a lot gayer. Between the rebooted “She-Ra and the Princesses of Power” on Netflix and the “Harley Quinn” animated series on HBO Max, you’d think things couldn’t get gayer. But while those two animated series have queer ladies a welcome dose of slow-burn same-sex superhero smoochies, “Q-Force” is just out from the start. The new animated series gets right to the gay stuff unlike “She-Ra” which took five seasons and “Harley” which took two to officially get there (granted, both shows had super queer aesthetics and LGBTQ auxiliary characters from the start). So don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed and appreciated both those shows. But this cranks the gay up past even Bow’s outfit on She-Ra. Plus there is a character named Twink and Wanda Sykes. So, yeah, I will definitely watch.

Lesbian Bat Signal

Holy Bat Ladies, Batman! We are getting not one, but two female Bat-related heroes soon on the large and small screens. A Batgirl movie and a Batwoman TV show.

According to reporters, the Batwoman series will make our heroine super duper gay, as she is in the comics. And, to add to the awesomeness, they are even looking for a lesbian actress to play the part. Holy amazing representation, Batwoman!

Meanwhile the Batgirl movie was going to be helmed by Joss Whedon, but he has since dropped out, and now will he written at least by a female scriptwriter.

I’m all for more lady superheroes in the world and on our screens. And I am especially all for more lesbian superheroes being played by lesbian actresses. (I also hope, like in the “auditions” above, a minimum of three out queer ladies are considered for the Batgirl role because we deserve it, duh.) So huzzah to this twofer Bat lady news and break out the Lesbian Bat Signal, but for real this time.

Supper time

[Click to embiggen the Holy]

I am not a religious person. I worship no gods except Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Rachel Maddow. But sometimes, sometimes the spirit does move me. Particularly when presented with the Lesbian Last Supper. Say hello to Lesbian Jesus and her super gay disciples by artist Bronwyn Lundberg. So while the season of faith and a fat guy in a red suit may be over, let the holy glow of Ellen and her Queer Apostles Jane, Sandra, Rachel, Linda, Shane, Portia, Heather, Wanda, KD, Lily, Melissa and Rosie warm you during these cold winter months. Except for you, Australia. You have fun worshipping in your board shorts.

p.s. I love how all the actresses are named except for “Shane McCutcheon” as Judas. Love her Chucks though. So much more fashion forward than flip-flops.
p.p.s. For the fellas, there is also a the Creation of Neil gay Sistine Chapel for your viewing pleasure.

The look

What does a lesbian look like, exactly? It’s a good question without a good answer. Because anyone who tells you he or she knows exactly what a lesbian looks like is wrong. Sure, we can generalize. I, myself, have a propensity for plaid shirts and Doc Martens. But that doesn’t mean al ladies who love ladies wear plaid and Docs or have alternative lifestyle haircuts or prefer cargo shorts and love blazers or own a closet full of clothing covered in cat hair.

So then, it’s particularly galling when people in positions of power who certainly should know better say incredibly stupid things about what lesbians look like. Like Florida Lieutenant Governor Jennifer Carroll who is currently embroiled in a lesbian sex scandal of her own. A fired former employee claims she caught the Republican Lt. Gov. and her travel aide in vag-rante* delicto (*because she was under her skirt at her, oh you know) in her office. The Lt. Gov has denied this claim, in possibly the stupidest way possible to deny this claim. Of, just watch for yourself.

In case you missed it: “Usually black women that look like me don’t engage in relationships like that.” Oh, really? What do black women who do engage in relationships like that look like? Wanda Sykes? Tracy Chapman? Jasika Nicole? Meshell Ndegeocello? Alice Walker? Sheryl Swoopes? Please, I am dying to know. Sigh. The Huffington Post has made a nice response slideshow to this general idiotry thank to the Twitter hashtag #ThisIsWhatALesbianLooksLike. It’s well worth a look (and I even recognize some of your lovely face in there – hey girl!) Guess it’s time for a reminder. Lesbians look like a lot of things Women who love women come in all colors and shapes and sizes and clothing choices. Believe me, it would be a lot easier to find a date if we all looked the same and could identify each other more readily in a crowd. But as is we need to rely on shaky gaydar and that fool-proof strategy of steadfastly refusing to make eye contact while passively hoping that cute girl at the bar will come over and say hi. Because I sure can’t find the common visual trait between all these lesbian and bisexual women. Except they’re all beautiful women and think other women are beautiful.

Wanda Sykes

Ellen DeGeneres

Brandi Carlile

Tracy Chapman

Megan Rapinoe

Leisha Hailey

Jasika Nicole

Jane Lynch

Kirsten Vangsness

Sheryl Swoopes

Amber Heard

Rachel Maddow

Josephine Baker

SGALGG & GGALGG: Emmys Edition

Wow, thems were some gay Emmys. Yes, indeedy. From Jane Lynch to “Modern Family” to that all-singing, all-spectacular Gleetastic opening number, the show was a merry and gay affair. Now, digesting the full magnitude of a major award show always takes me two days. The first day is to go over the nuts and bolts of who won this and who said that. Then the second day I can just sit back and devour the pretty. And, kittens, there was so much pretty. Let’s start with the gay gals and their lady loves (sorry, I can’t say lovers – to quote my favorite Emmy loser Tina Fey, “that word bums me out unless it’s between the words ‘meat’ and ‘pizza.’”) and then we’ll progress to the straight gals. But no matter where they stood on the Kinsey Scale, a whole lotta ladies were acting like gay gals at the Emmys. Can you blame them, I mean, we are pretty awesome.

GGALGG

Jane Lynch & Lara EmbryThe love, it burns! I love them together. I love that Jane kissed Lara when she won. I love that she also said “I love you my wife, Lara” on stage. You want to know why gay marriage matters? This is why gay marriage matters. Love.
Wanda & Alex SykesThey look like a fresco of Greek goddesses painted onto an ancient wall somewhere being uncovered by an archeologist who thrills with each brush stroke as she carefully reveals their beauty from underneath centuries of earth and time. Sorry, let me amend that, a smoking hot fresco of Greek goddesses. Hot damn, those girls – and Alex and Wanda look good, too.
SGALGG

Tina Fey & Mariska HargitayThis is becoming like a thing between these two. It is like the mere sight of each other in sleek, sparkly gowns is too much for them to take and then that hand goes from firmly around the waist to, well, firmly everywhere. Maybe Mariska and Tina are the real-life Alex and Olivia. Ship that, people.
[Hat tip, Allegra!]

Sofia Vergara & Julie BowenIf you thought Mariska had a firm grip on Tina, check out Julie’s grip on Sofia . You’d need the Jaws of Life to get her hand off of her. Plus dude in the back is totally, “Hell, yeah.”

Claire Danes & Julia Ormond

Claire looks like she has had a bit too much champagne and has just whispered “Take me home” into Julia’s ear. Also, shoot Julia, where have you been hiding all that gorgeous these last few years?

Christina Hendricks & January JonesI want to say something terribly witty about how they look together, but I’ve forgotten how to form words.

Toni Collette & Julia Louis DreyfusI like to think that the Emmy losers console each other backstage. And by “console,” I mean “make out.”

Padma Lakshmi & Gail SimmonsWhen people say food porn, this is what they’re picturing.

Heather Morris & Naya Rivera

Brittana, you’ve got me wrapped around whichever finger you want to use in whatever situation you feel like using it. Ahem.

Mariana Klaveno, Kristin Bauer & Anna PaquinThe Bill-Sookie-Eric sandwich isn’t the only threesome worth talking about on “True Blood.” Not by a long shot.

Amy Poehler, Aubrey Plaza & Tina FeySpeaking of threesomes, gay sexy vampires aren’t the only ones who look good having them. Let’s make this “30 Rock” meets “Parks and Recreation” very special crossover happen.

Archie Panjabi & the Emmy statuetteShe is going to take it behind the garage door and get it pregnant, Tracy Jordan style.

Bonus I: Best. Emmy. Picture. Ever.Tina Fey, Amy Poehler & Jon Hamm dancing their asses off. I’ll be honest, that’s a threesome I could totally get behind, too.

Bonus II: Best. Tina. Video. Ever.
After dancing her ass off with Amy and Jon while downing what I can only assume was copious amounts of champagne, Tina goes to find her limo. God, that giggle. That hair.
What it looks like when New York gets drunk, y’all. Suck it, nerds!