The eLection Word

Look, I have no idea who will ultimately win the Democratic nomination for president in 2020. But I do know one thing, I will vote for a Democrat for president in 2020 no matter what. We’ve got more than a year and a half and an infinite number of Trump administration corruption scandals to go before the next presidential election, but already there are so many contenders and would-be contenders in the mix. While it’s overwhelming to think of how many candidates we’ll have to choose from, I truly think the field will benefit from vigorous – though not vicious – primary. The motto for the all the Democratic candidates should be, “First, do no harm (to each other).” Because, dammit, one of these men or women has to win…she just has to.

While we no doubt each have our personal favorites from the candidates and would-be candidates, the issue that really matters (you know – besides climate change, Medicare for all, $15 minimum wage, criminal justice reform, voting rights, racism, LGBTQ equality, et al) is how the candidates compare to their “The L Word” counterparts. Who will pander to us, the all-important queer women who obsessively watched “The L Word” constituency? So here are the candidates and their TLW doppelgängers. Because if we can’t have fun with this already infernal 2020 election cycle, we will definitely go insane before Nov. 3, 2020.

ANNOUNCED

Kamala Harris: Bette Porter

The senator from California is Bette because duh.

Kirsten Gillibrand: Tina Kennard

The senator from New York is Tina because I am deeply invested in a Straight TiBette 2020 Ticket.

Elizabeth Warren: Shane McCutcheon

The senator from Massachusetts is Shane because you always remember your first progressive girl crush.

Pete Buttigieg: Howie Fairbanks

The openly gay mayor of South Bend, Ind. Is Dana’s little brother Howie because he gives off that just-out baby gay vibe and you know it.

Julian Castro: Max Sweeney

The former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development is Max because he deserved a better storyline/would have made a great VP candidate in 2016.

Andrew Yang: Sandrine Holt

The former tech executive is Sandrine because she was the only recurring character on the show of East Asian descent and being a a tech executive is basically like being a con artist.

John Delaney: Random Bald Guy TiBette Asked For Sperm

The former congressman from Maryland is that random bald guy because, seriously, who?

Tulsi Gabbard: Lisa the “lesbian-identified man”

The congresswoman from Hawaii is Lisa because you can call yourself a Democrat all you want, but we know you’re just a anti-LGBTQ, pro-Assad fraud.

CONSIDERING

Joe Biden: Kit Porter

Good old Uncle Joe is Kit because everyone likes Kit, but you didn’t tune in/vote for Kit.

Bernie Sanders: Tim Haspel

Bernie is Tim because I’ve got nothing against straight white men, but this election/show is for the rest of us.

Cory Booker: Tasha Williams

The senator from New Jersey is Tasha because good, incredibly charismatic people can sometimes be a tad more conservative than their friend group.

Beto O'Rourke: Alice Pieszecki

The failed senate candidate from Texas is Alice because everyone lovesloveloves him, but he might not be ready for the big leagues since his senatorial campaign/spin-off show failed to launch.

Sherrod Brown: Angus the Manny

The senator from Ohio who is married to Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Connie Schultz is Angus because he seems sweet and sincere, but if he ever cheated on Connie we’d drop him in a heartbeat.

Michael Bloomberg: Mark the Creepy Video Guy

The billionaire ex-mayor of New York is Mark because he isn’t your friend, he is just another billionaire Republican from New York and can fuck right off.

Howard Schultz: Toxic Tonya

The billionaire former Starbucks CEO considering a run as an independent is Tonya because the last thing we need is another opportunistic social climber without any experience trying to run the country.

OTHER

Barack Obama: Dana Fairbanks

Obama is Dana because he’s beloved, deeply missed – dead to us because of fucking term limits.

Donald Trump: Jenny Schecter

Trump is Jenny because – while this might actually be unfair to Jenny – someone has to be the most hated crazy clown in the room.

BONUS

Unnamed Other Female Candidate: Carmen de la Pica Morales

The mystery “other” female candidate is Carmen because she’s hot and perfect and elusive, yet will still somehow get dumped at the ballot box/altar as soon as she wants to make it official by so-called progressive dudes who love to say, “I’d vote for a woman – just not that woman.”

Always Ready, Always Hot

Happy Memorial Day, kittens. Here in the United States we spend the day not working/paying tribute to those who died serving in our armed forces. While I’m no fan of the military industrial complex, I fully appreciate those who serve and honor those who pay the ultimate price. So as a gay lady I thought, what better way to celebrate the day than to salute one of our favorite fictitious lesbian soldiers? So thank you for your imaginary service, Captain Tasha Williams. “The L Word” is such an interesting time capsule. And perhaps nowhere is that more evident than Tasha’s “Don’t’ Ask, Don’t Tell” storyline. Progress is hard earned and all too easily lost. Perhaps it’s a reminder of what we fight for in the first place.

And with that, a grateful nation takes a look back at Capt. Williams.

She could be serious.


So serious.


Even serious about her churros.


But then that smile would break out.


Or she’d get on her bike.


Or wear her dress uniform.


And, hello. Swoon.


I think this private speaks for us all.


Always ready, always hot.

Combat ready

Now, I’m no fan of violence, war or fighting. But I am a fan of equal rights and opportunity. So I applaud the news that broke yesterday that the military was lifting its ban on women in combat. Because being equal means just that. The opportunity to do the same work, face the same challenges, make the same sacrifices and reap the same honors as everyone else. And I also applaud it because it makes conservative nitwits like Tucker Carlson angry at feminism. Which, you know, bonus.

But me being me and all, I must celebrate this historic step in women’s rights the only way I see fit. With hot ladies in uniform, of course. Women of the military, both fictional and real, we salute you.

Dana Delany, China Beach

Just thinking about the opening theme gives me shivers.

Heather Peace, Ultimate Force

Hot Cop meet Hot Soldier

Glenn Close, Serving in Silence

Just think, movies like this won’t ever have to be made again.

Rose Rollins, The L Word

Is it weird that when DADT was lifted, I thought, “Oh, good, now Tasha will get her full benefits.”

Jessica Biel, Stealth

I never saw this movie, but the costume department deserves some sort of award.

Jordana Brewster, Annapolis

I also never saw this movie, but ditto on the costume department.

Michelle Rodriguez, Avatar

Technically she was a solider for hire, but let’s not spilt hairs.

Katee Sackhoff, Battlestar Galactica

Soldiers in futuristic militaries on distant star systems totally count.

Demi Moore, G.I. Jane

Oh, like I wasn’t going to use the one-armed pushup.

A grateful universe thanks you for your service, ladies.

Ask. Tell. Enjoy.

Ding dong, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is dead. The Senate voted to repeal the policy 65-31 on Saturday, finally ending the more than 230-year ban on gay and lesbians serving openly in the United States military. You’ve come a long way, soldier. Granted, the legislation (which President Clinton Obama* will sign this week) did not immediately lift the ban – the military leadership ultimately controls the timing and implementation of the new policy. But it certainly doesn’t have long left. So there you have it, history. One step close to that more perfect union. Each step matters, each step is huge. We should savor this sweet victory, for they seem to come so slowly. We should salute all those who fought so hard for this day and served so proudly even while the country they were fighting for asked them to hide who they really were. And, to be slightly more shallow, we should celebrate how many more women will now be able to look really fucking hot in uniforms.

So while we wait, let’s enjoy some of the loveliest ladies to wear the U.S. military uniform on screen. Ten-hut, indeed.

Glenn Close, “Serving in Silence”Glenn looks great in a uniform and a suit, it’s almost unfair.

Dana Delany, “China Beach”God, green is her color.

Loretta Swit, “M*A*S*H”Hot Lips is one of the best nicknames for a character, ever.

Goldie Hawn, “Private Benjamin”Still my favorite Goldie Hawn movie.

Catherine Bell, “JAG”Finally, a color other than green.

Meg Ryan, “Courage Under Fire”Remember when Meg did that serious movie about that first war in Iraq?

Kelly McGillis, “The L Word”She didn’t get to wear a uniform in “Top Gun.” To her credit, Mama Chaiken rectified that on her show.

Rose Rollins, “The L Word”Oh Tasha, how I miss that smile.

Demi Moore, “G.I. Jane.”The shaved head, the one-armed push-up. Where do I enlist?

At ease, soliders. A grateful nation thanks you for all the hotness.

*Wow, now that was an impressive typo. I love how you all assumed I meant Hillary, but alas I was actually probably thinking about Bill. I had researched DADT's creation and signing before I wrote this and had too much Bubba on the brain.

The aLum Word

Now that the networks have unveiled their new seasons, it’s time to see how the ladies of the Chaikenverse (ugh, I already feel dirty and wrong about using that term) are faring. The verdict: Pretty well. In fact some of the L alumni have high-profile new projects ahead. And, for whatever reason, most of them have law enforcement bents. I guess six seasons of the crazy that Chaiken built will make any sane person run for a little law and order.

“Ride-Along” (Fox), Jennifer Beals

Let me sum up the “Ride-Along” trailer as simply as possible: Jennifer Beals. Cop Uniform. Chicago Streets. Tough talk. Handcuffed perp. Tank Top. I don’t really think the world needs another cop drama, but I do think the world needs to put Jennifer Beals in charge of Chicago.

“Chase”(NBC), Rose Rollins

“Chase” seems little “In Palin Sight” mixed with “Justified” and sprinkled with a dusting of an Anna Torv-type in cowboy boots. Also, there was far too little of Rose in that trailer. Still, someone is looking very Tasha today. I’m just saying – she pings my gay character ’dar.

“Facing Kate” (USA), Sarah Shahi

No clips or promos of “Facing Kate” yet, just the tantalizing thought of Sarah headlining her own new USA series. She’ll play a former top litigator who becomes a legal mediator. So I think that means we can look forward to seeing Sarah in a series of nicely tailored suits. And, just in case you’ve forgotten what Sarah looks like, I’ve provided a helpful visual aid of her taken earlier this month. Yeah, you’re totally watching this series.

“The Gates” (ABC), Janina Gavankar

It’s “Desperate Housewives” meets “True Blood!” This summer series looks a little, um, dumb. But it does have Janina as what appears to be a security guard. So it at least gives us the opportunity to say one more, “Really, Papi?”

And that doesn’t even take into account the many actresses already working gainfully on existing shows. We’ve got Jane Lynch on “Glee,” Jessica Capshaw on “Grey’s Anatomy,” Lucy Lawless on “Spartacus: Blood and Sand” and Mia Kirshner on “The Vampire Diaries.” While we’re at it, we should pour a little out for our homie, Kate Moennig. “Three Rivers” is dead, but this summer you can watch CBS burn off its final five episodes starting June 5.

So, which L alum’s new show has you most excited? I’m going with Jennifer’s “Ride-Along” for now. But we haven’t seen Sarah in action yet. Oh, TV, I love it when you’re in the courting phase.

EDITED TO ADD:

“Body of Proof” (ABC), Dana Delany

Dammit, I left out the fabulous Ms. Dana Delany and her new ABC show “Body of Proof.” (Hat tip to the always lovely Norma Desmond for the reminder!) Dana is back in scrubs, and joined by the also lovely Jeri Ryan – though sadly not in her skin-tight silver body suit from “Voyager.”