Some Nice Broads

On this, “Rizzoli & Isles” day, it’s only fitting we talk about a new female cop show. While solo female-fronted crime procedurals are becoming more and more common (from The Fall, Top of the Lake, The Closer, Saving Grace, In Plain Sight, Cold Case, Prime Suspect, Police Woman), female buddy or ensemble crime shows are still a rarity. I think I can name then on less than one full hand. “Cagney & Lacey,” “Charlie’s Angels,” “Women’s Murder Club…and that’s about it.

But into that mix now comes “Broad Squad,” about the first four women to graduate from Boston’s Police Academy in 1978. Now, I can’t decide if I love or haaaate the show’s title, but I certainly am intrigued by its premise. (Also, the title apparently comes from what the four graduates were actually called in the press – so there’s that.) Another thing I’m sure of is how psyched I am about the cast.

“Six Feet Under” alum Lauren Ambrose, “True Blood” alum Rutina Wesley, “Magic Mike” love interest Cody Horn and relative newcomer (seriously, she was “Whore #3 in “Les Misérables”) Charlotte Spencer. Fine, two of the three are really exciting, and one of those two is really, really exciting because The Hollywood Reporter has revealed that Rutina’s character will play a “guarded, professional and private” lesbian cop on the series.

Yep, I think I’m gonna want to meet these broads. Now if only they’d actually make “Dyke & Fats” I’d be in female cop buddy show heaven.

Tank Top Tuesday

I don’t understand… I’m so confused… I just…wait, what? So yesterday “news” broke that Michelle Rodriguez and Zac Efron were dating. Like with a picture of them kissing and everything. Irrefutable proof! I mean, they’re both in their bathing suits. That’s just science. Considering M-Rod has stated publically that she is bisexual, this should not be a big deal. But, if you talk to every lesbian on the planet’s gaydar, it’s a big fucking shock. Like, are they trolling the world? Is it April 1? Hey, more power to them. Two people who work out and wax that much deserve each other. And, you know, who she is smooching certainly doesn’t affect how she looks in a tank top.

Michelle Rodriguez

Remember when she looked like this? Yeah, hence the shock.

Rutina Wesley

So I guess I was wrong. Tara is really, truly dead. Jesus, what a shitty, disrespectful way to kill off a character that has been on the show all seven seasons – off screen. Ugh, at this point I’m hoping every single character dies. Fine, maybe not Pam.

Sasha Alexander

Please, tell me last week wasn’t just about Jane asking Maura to raise the baby with her? Be more gay, show. I mean it.

Lena Headey

I watched “Dredd” in between my Netflix lesbian movie marathon over the weekend too. Even with that scar and homicidal attitude, I’d totally hit it.

Heather Morris & Naya Rivera

Yesyerday it was confirmed that Naya Rivera would no longer be a series regular for the sixth and final (shitty, come on, you know it will be) season of “Glee” – and instead just be a recurring character. At least one of those “recurring” moments better involve Brittany.

Stick a fork in it

Oooof. I don’t know why I do these things. But, ever the masochist, I plan to watch the final season of “True Blood” through grinding teeth. The show has been a carnival of ridiculousness for far too long. And it’s hard to think of a way the show can be redeemed here at the eleventh hour. So then why put myself through this? Part of it is I love complaining about the show. Loudly. At my television. But the other part is that I’m just an eternal sucker (see what I did there?) for vampire stories. I blame the Buffy Effect. I keep hoping, against all rational hope, that there can be another non-ludicrous vampire story to champion.

SPOILERS, duh. Of course, the show went and fucked up the one hope I had for its last season in the damn premiere. Shit, in the first two minutes of the damn premiere. It killed Tara – AGAIN. Like I was saying, oooof. The only thing I really wanted to see happen this season was some, hell any, kind of relationship between Tara and Pam. Last season was a massive disappointment on the Para (Tam? De Beauthornton?) front. Seriously, Alcide’s abs got more screentime than these two. By a lot.

My only possible consolation is, um, is Tara really dead? They didn’t show her death, which seems, well, weird. To have her go out as almost an off-screen after thought like that is almost insulting. So, who knows, she might still be out there, somewhere.

But you know what, I don’t even really care that much. Because emotional investment was never the strong suit of this show. It’s more about the farcical situations and hard bodies (with or without fangs). And also I find it makes the whole thing a lot more fun if you drink each time Bill says “SUH-KIE!” This may mean I have a drinking problem.

So, sticking with it one last season like me? I know, I know – I’m an idiot.

True Dud

Just to prove I can still get mad about things, how about a feel-good, old-fashioned rant about television. Hell yeah, let’s do this thing. As what feels like one of the last idiots left watching “True Blood,” I take great issue with this past season. It’s not necessarily that this past season was more ridiculous than any other past season. Vampires, werewolves, fairies, shifters, werepanthers, maenads, witches, etc. etc. etc. But this season was a true dud (See what I did there? See, see, see?) when it came to its LGBT relationships. The series has long been the kinky party girl of positive LGBT visibility on television. The show has had LGBT characters – Lafayette, Pam, et al – from the start. And the show has been open, so very open, to fluid sexuality. I mean, all vampires are essentially a little gay, right?

Here’s what pissed me off this season. At the end of last season, after Tara came through being shot in the head and sired by Pam, the two lady vamps sealed their relationship with a pretty fucking hot kiss. And in that moment we were all Jessica when she screamed, “I KNEW IT!” Hot damn, we knew they were hot for each other. Yay gay and a round of (non-Hep.V spiked) True Blood for everyone on me.

But then this season came and we waited. And waited. And waited. And waited some damn more to see just the tiniest of sliver of affection and, you know, hot lesbian action between these two and instead were given nothing. Nada. Bupkis. Zilch. Pam snarled at Tara. Tara snarled at Pam. Then Pam slept with the gross pervy shrink to get what she wanted and that’s pretty much it. And not only did the show completely ignore their relationship storyline, they completely ignored the storyline of Bon Temps’ other resident gaymo, Lafayette. How bad was it for us gays this season? This picture of Pam and Tara kinda, sorta adjacent each other was the only production still of them I could find where they’re in the same frame.

Which begs the question, why have Pam and Tara act like they were in love/lust with each other at all at the end of last season? Why go there if you had no intention on following through? I mean, besides just general sloppy storytelling. Ending the season as they did sets the audience up with certain expectations, which then leads to disappointment and general feelings of extreme annoyance. Was this all just for stupid, simple titillation? Really, I watched all this summer for this? They missed a golden opportunity to add layers to both Pam and Tara’s characters by delving into their complicated bond and intertwined affections. Instead, I’m pretty sure the entire point of this past season of “True Blood” was to get Alexander Skarsgard to go full frontal. As with Eric and his Little Viking, I was not impressed with the results.

Say what you will about me (and you do and that’s cool – everyone’s got an opinion), but I have always championed more and better LGBT representation on the screen. And I have always railed against tokenism (you know, that sweeps week shit). So for a show that has, for all its flaws, never trafficked in the latter to suddenly indulge in easy exploitation of temporary girl-on-girl action is discouraging, to say the least. You can do better, “True Blood.” Or maybe not. I mean, did you watch this past season? Perhaps “better” is entirely out of your reach at this point.

My Weekend Crush

I like “True Blood” because after the regular fall TV and serious spring offerings (Can we cool it on the beheadings and castrations, “Game of Thrones?”), I’m ready for some straight-up vampire craziness to lull me into the blissful embrace of summer. And this season, more than any other, has me really excited. Why? Because Pam and Tara, dammit.

Pam has long been one of my favorites and one of the more underutilized characters on the show. Unlike Sookie, I’ve always got time for her lesbian weirdness. And while Tara has occasionally annoyed the ever-loving shit out of me, she has been one of the most resilient characters on the show. I mean if you can come back from a shotgun to the head, you’re pretty much badass for life.

So when the two got together at the very end of last season, maker and her sire, it was cathartic. And we, like Jessica, all pointed at the screen and yelled, “I KNEW IT!” Yeah, we knew it. And we love it. Let us dream the impossible dream of a happy ending for these two. Or at the very least there had better be a lot more lesbian weirdness between them coming up this season. Happy weekend, all.

Meet your maker

WARNING: “True Blood” season finale spoilers. Or as I like to call, “What the fuck was that?”

Right, so I think we can all agree this season of “True Blood” was, well, not good. Pretty bad. Shit, let’s get real – it was a hot, hot mess of a mess. The main problem with the fifth season was that it was segregated into a million small, separate stories where none of the characters talked to anyone but the people in their small, separate stories. Bill didn’t talk to Sookie. Sookie didn’t talk to Eric. Eric didn’t talk to Pam. Pam didn’t talk hardly at all. This strange compartmentalized season had a million small, separate stories I didn’t care one whoop about. Terry and the smoke monster. Andy and the fairy quintuplets. Alcide and the pack. Hoyt and the Obamas. I just really didn’t care. (Well I cared a little bit about Hoyt, but mostly because I care about Jessica.) Oh, and Russell Edgington – I really fucking hate Russell Edgington. Though Eric killing him felt even better than I thought it would. Plus the whole tiresome religious zealot allegory told via Lilith and The Authority? Pat Robertson exists already – I don’t need to be reminded of that sort of bullshit on my silly, sexy vampire show.

But here’s the thing that if not redeemed the season (because, really, I cannot overstate what a hot, hot mess of a mess it was) is the Pam and Tara relationship. Pam turning Tara. Pam teaching Tara, reluctantly. Tara caring for Pam, reluctantly. And then, well, the kiss. That kiss was something. Sure we all saw (or at least hoped we saw) it coming. Pam and Tara together? That’s HOT. But it also makes a strange kind of sense. In fact it’s the only thing that makes sense in this screwy, sloppy season. All Pam’s vampire life the only other person she has cared for was Eric. And all of Tara’s human life, the only people she has cared for are Sookie and Lafayette. And then Eric releases Pam. And then Sookie and Lafayette turn Tara. And those two, all they have is each other. They hate it at first, naturally. But despite it all a bond forms. A bond built out of earned respect and mutual admiration. These are both tough, tough women. These are both survivors. Is it slightly maternal? Sure. But remember Bill slept with his maker Lorena for decades. And Eric sleeps with his sister. Incest isn’t really a thing in the vampire world, so cool your outrage jets folks.

So what will keep me coming back for “True Blood” season 6? Definitely not Billith the bloody tampon monster. Nope, it’ll be the love – hard-earned and well-deserved – between Pam and Tara. In a season that went from ridiculous to “bitch, please,” it was the one true moment of tenderness that didn’t feel farcical. With any luck, come season 6, we’ll finally be able to see that date they owe each other. Because, come on, hot.

Tank Top Tuesday: Play Gay Edition

You know what gay ladies love? Well, lots of things, really. But besides cats, tea, recreational sporting events and other ladies in general, what gay ladies really love is are actresses who play us on TV (or movies, but come on everyone eventually watches movies on their TV so potayto/potahto – say that last bit out lout in your head). So thought I’d give a few of these fine thespian ladies the old tank top salute and thank them for their faithful, super gay service. A very small sampling of the ladies who will happily play gay for fun and profit. Also, who doesn’t like looking at pictures of Piper Perabo? She has a Twitter now, by the way – and has already tweeted Lena. Sigh. Now off to watch that movie on my TV again.

Rutina Wesley

Did you watch the “True Blood” season premiere? No spoilers, but holy shit.

Famke Janssen

Remember when she made out with Kelly Preston in “Eulogy?” Of course you do.

Megan Follows

Remember when she was a gay lady making Kerry Weaver feel uncomfortable on “ER?” Maybe not, but thank heavens there’s video.

Berta Hernández

I didn’t keep up with “Tierra de lobos” like I should have. Is everyone still a lesbian, and alive?

Shay Mitchell

I’m pretty sure burning that plaid shirt in the Season 3 premiere of “Pretty Little Liars,” was a major felony in lesbian court. But having met Shay, I can safely say we should forgive her anything ever on the planet.

Charlize Theron

Saw “Prometheus” over the weekend. Eh. Guess now I am holding out my high heroine hope for “Brave.”

Naomi Watts

“Mulholland Drive” remains one of the hottest/most confusing movies ever.

Allison McAtee

“Bloomington” wasn’t really a great movie. But it did give legions of budding lesbians hope that their college would be filled with lascivious professors like Catherine.

Evan Rachel Wood

In order of my favorite gay roles for EVR ERW I’d have to go “Once & Again,” “True Blood” and then “Thirteen.” But, really, they’re all pretty close. Also, dammit, I still miss Queen Sophie-Anne.

Tank Top Tuesday

It’s Tuesday. So, well, you know what to do. Hop on board, secure the safety bar and please enjoy this ride through hot ladies in tank tops. Remember to keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times. Do not attempt to touch any of the subjects. I mean, you can attempt it if you want, but you’re just you’re just going to smudge your computer screen. And, as always, please tip your friendly neighborhood carnie as you exit the ride.

Hayley AtwellJust when you thought she couldn’t get more attractive, she puts on a tank top.

Mariska HargitayThey should set a SVU case on the beach. Because, yeah, they just should.

Paget Brewster“Criminal Minds” writers have to think of a way to get Paget into a tank top in every episode this season. You know, to make up for lost time.

Michelle RodriguezI am trying to think of an M-Rod movie where I did not see her in a tank top. Still thinking, still thinking.

Lea Michele“Glee” has been gone for so long I actually miss Rachel Berry.

Rutina WesleyMy God, Tara, you are terrible at picking allegiances. First a crazy maenad and now a crazy witch. Should have stayed in New Orleans with your hot girlfriend, girl.

Amber HeardI don’t buy the whole “The Playboy Club” is about female empowerment spin, but I do buy how good Amber looks in the bunny suit.

Angelina JolieAdmit it, sometimes you miss this Angie. She was a hell of a lot of fun. Naughty, dangerous, willing to roll around naked with Elizabeth Mitchell fun.

Tank Top Tuesday: Summer TV Edition

You know what I love? Summer TV. I mean, I love TV in general, clearly. But summer TV is a breed unto itself. When I was a kid I don’t really recall having a summer TV season. We called it reruns. But now we’ve got entire shows that only come on when the temperature rises. And something about running in the summer, perhaps the heat or the fact that people are daydreaming about vacation, that makes them more fun. There’s a wink and a nod involved in some of the best summer shows. Leave the serious stuff for those cold, windy months. When the weather gets warm, the TV gets sunny. And when the weather gets warm, the stars of our favorite summer shows, like the lovely Mary-Louise Parker, have a habit of reaching for the tank tops. Like I was saying, I love summer TV.

Mary McCormack, In Plain SightI’m not going to lie, I love all of the pregnancy boob humor the show has gone for this season.

Marsha Thomason, White CollarShe certainly put the “special” in special agent. I demand to see more of Diana and her girlfriend in their “shegulls nest.”

Piper Perabo, Covert AffairsIs it just me, or has this show greatly improved this season? I think it’s because Annie gets to be a real kick-ass agent now, instead of just a pawn used to get to her ex-boyfriend. Also, there’s been a tad less ridiculous running around in high heels.

Kiele Sanchez, The GladesThis show hits my crime procedural sweet spot. Charismatic leads, good chemistry and interesting yet not too scary cases. And Kiele is not exactly terrible to look at either.

Troian Bellisario, Pretty Little LiarsHer voice makes me want to commit a crime, which she will then try to solve. Please come hide in my bushes, Spencer. Wait, that sounded…just about right.

Shay Mitchell, Pretty Little LiarsFor someone freshly out, Emily sure has amassed quite a string of girlfriends already. Maya, Paige, Samara. Though, if you were a teenage lesbian who looked like Shay Mitchell, you wouldn’t be single long either.

Kristin Bauer & friend Liz Vassey, True BloodIn honor of Pam, I declare “think of Estonia” as a new euphemism for cunnilingus.

Rutina Wesley, True BloodOn that note, I’m so glad Tara is thinking of Estonia this season. So glad.

Sasha Alexander, Rizzoli & IslesOh, Dr. Isles. How I’ve missed you and your high femme flirty ways.

Check out AfterEllen.com later today for the return of my Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recaps.

First rule of Fight Club

WARNING: Right, so if you haven’t watched the season premiere of “True Blood” yet, shoo. Get. Go on now. Spoilers are coming up. But if you’ve already watched or have no intention of watching but want to know what I’m talking about anyway, please, let us proceed together.

Right, so how much more do we love Tara now? Or, I should say, Toni. Man, I have to say she was one of the consistenly most annoying characters on “True Blood,” through no fault of her own but the writing’s consistent insistence on making her as the angry, clueless, angry some more victim. And, well, that’s no fun at parties. But now that Tara has effectively rebooted her life as an octagon-ready MMA fighter with a hot MMA fighting girlfriend, I suddenly find her so much more interesting. So much more.

Granted, we’re not really sure where this storyline is going. It’s problematic that Tara’s new identity comes with secrets and lies (Toni? Atlanta? Dead grandma?). And it’s also problematic that Tara seems to have come to whatever section of the gay-lesbian-bisexual sliding scale she is on after a series of really disastrous relationships with men. But, I’m just going to be super shallow and say how consequences-be-damned hot the scenes between Tara/Toni (Rutina Wesley) and Naomi (Vedette Lim) were in Monday’s premiere. What, you’re having trouble remembering? Let me help you with that.

Yes, the lying. Yes, the deception. Yes, the fake name. Yes, I know. I know. Still, so hot. If that’s the last we see of the luscious Naomi this season I will be a very, very, very unhappy camper.

Also, what’s in the water over there on “True Blood.” Right now Sookie and Jessica are practically the only female characters (OK, minus a few Merlotte’s waitresses) who haven’t gotten their lady loving on. To date: Pam (with the Estonian stripper), Queen Sophie-Anne (with Sookie’s cousin Hadley) and Nan from the American Vampire League (with some very topless lady in her limo) and now Tara and her MMA sparring partner? Granted, most of those are vamps – who I think might all be bisexual or pansexual or just plain equal opportunity about their horniness/hunger. But, still, that’s a lot of ladies willing to step up to the bat for our team on one show.

Right, like I was saying: Go Tara/Toni. Get it, girl. Get. It.