Gender Fuck Thursday: Oscar's Ladies Edition

So the nominations are out for this year’s Academy Awards. Ten very talented women got the nod in for Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress honors. I don’t know who will take home the shiny naked golden dude, but it is no secret that “The Favourite” remains my favorite. Plus, Her Royal Highness looks stunning in a tux.

But, really, they’re all my favorite because they’re all wonderful actresses and they don’t look too shabby in a suit either. So, really, that makes them all winners in my book.

Best Actress

Yalitza Aparicio, “Roma”

I have not seen “Roma” yet and I feel bad about that. But I feel great about this nomination. So maybe that evens out my karma?

Glenn Close, “The Wife”

Damn, Glenn is making the best tux in this post race very Close. Sorry, I’ll let myself out.

Olivia Colman, “The Favourite”

Can a suit be endearingly dorky? Because, yes.

Lady Gaga, “A Star Is Born”

Oh, I get it. Wearing a suit with extra room to make way for an EGOT.

Melissa McCarthy, “Can You Ever Forgive Me?”

I miss Melissa’s Spicey. Not the real one, obviously.



Best Supporting Actress

Amy Adams, “Vice”

Man, I really liked her in “Sharp Objects.” Sorry, I’m not gonna see “Vice,” so that’s all I got.

Marina de Tavira, “Roma”

Ditto from above. But it’s on my list! I promise!

Regina King, “If Beale Street Could Talk”

Please, like I’m the only one who had a crush on her all butched up in “Miss Congeniality 2.”

Emma Stone, “The Favourite”

Lesbianism looks even better on her than this suit. (What? It’s a lot of pattern.)

Rachel Weisz, “The Favourite”

Rachel was really bucking for the Cate Blanchett/Gillian Anderson Lesbian Affections Oscar this year with “Disobedience” and “The Favourite.” May more actress vie for the honor in the future.

SGALGG Oscar Edition

Yeah, I still am not over how the Oscars ended. Or how many people (not you, Casey Affleck) who I was genuinely rooting for won. Or that it took until 2017 for the first LGBT film/first film with a black cast/first film directed by a black director to win. All these wonderful, barrier-break moments plus a lotta straight gals acting like gay gals? Some nights are just lucky, I guess.

Emma Stone & Some Lady

Kuddos to Some Lady for totally going for it with Emma.

Michelle Williams & Busy Philipps

Michelle is looking at Busy like she can’t believe her dream date agreed to go with her to prom.

Octavia Spencer & Janelle Monae

Meanwhile Janelle is beaming like she can’t believe Octavia accepted her invitation to dance at prom.

Amy Adams & Elizabeth Banks

Elizabeth is doing everything she can to maintain eye contact and not get lost in Amy’s cleavage.

Jennifer Aniston & Nicole Kidman

Jennifer is explaining to Nicole that Keith is obviously just a sad doppelgänger (cut, chunky highlights) for her and she should face her real attractions.

Taraji P. Henson & Mimi Valdes

Taraji is really, really trying to steal Pharrell’s Oscar date. And It’s working.

Charlize Theron & Shirley MacLaine

Charlize isn’t acting particularly gay towards Shirley, but her ponytail is.

Scarlett Johansson

President of the Alternative Lifestyle Haircut Lovers Club.

Kate McKinnon & Katie Couric

You know Kate is making Katie consider it. You know.

Viola Davis

Gay or straight, Viola is giving this face for all womankind disgusted that this sexual harasser is now an Oscar winner.

Cats don't have to know our business

And just like that, I’m back. My vacation was nice, mostly relaxing and filled with small children and much snot. Usually at the same time. But enough about me. How about you? Hey, how were your holidays? Did you get a new girlfriend or a new cat or both? I hope so, to both. SNL should just cut the pretense and make Kate McKinnon the star of every skit. Is it too late to add that to their list of New Year’s resolutions?

Oscar hearts Pizza

I think we can all agree last night belonged to Adele Dazeem. Kidding, kidding. Thank God Travolta wasn’t asked to pronounce Lupita Nyong’o, too. So, between all the superstar selfies, pizza delivery and mispronunciation of Tony-winners names, it was easy to forget they handed out awards. But they did. A bunch of them. There was even an EGOT in the bunch. A few of my favorite moments from a long (long, long) night of sometimes strange and a few fantastic things. A look back in wonder.

J-Law loses to “Gravity,” again.

I love how she grabbed onto her friend, like, “If I’m going down we ALL go down!” And then, of course, could laugh at herself.

Lupita & Meryl get HAPPY!

p.s. Amy Adams, too.


Adele Dazeem is going to be a star, a STAR, I tell ya!

I was so confused for a second. Like, why would they let anyone but Idina sing “Let It Go?”

Brad Pitt has a promising career in pizza delivery.

And that’s Meryl taking a slice, yo.

Lupita Nyong’s is the Disney princess we’ve been waiting for.


I mean, she even has the headband.

OK, fine, THAT SELFIE.


The selfie bit started slowly, but then all the A-list celebrities started acted like normal idiots taking a selfie. So then it was genius.

Bonus: My two favorite people at the Oscars this year.

So, share, what were your favorite bits? And, seriously, get Adele Dazeem a record deal immediately.

We will do it

Us ladies, we’ve had a rough go of it in the political arena of late. Men folk keep thinking they know what’s best for us. They want to tell us what we can and cannot do with our lady business. How we’re allowed to use it. (Not to decide for ourselves to when we can best start a family, that’s for sure!) How we aren’t not allowed to use it. (Not for recreational fun, that’s for sure!) And how our doctors should treat us. (Not based on their sound medical judgment alone, that’s for sure!) Those who dare to say otherwise are sluts or strumpets of so much worse. Of course, these same folks keep saying this War on Women is imaginary. We’re just being tricked by our little lady brains into thinking the Republicans want to tell us what to do with our little lady bits and pieces. But we, we know better. We know when we’re being bullied. We know when we’re being disrespected. We know when our rights are being trampled. For a party that prides itself on disavowing government intervention, they sure have a strange way of getting the government into the most personal nooks and crannies of us ladyfolk. So, for all those who think they can slip this year of lady hating by us, be warned. We are strong. We are angry. And we are paying attention. We can stop this War on Women with our votes. As Rosie told us all so many years ago, “We can do it!” As these modern-day Rosies would surely tell you now, you can stick your big government where the sun don’t shine on yourselves instead.

Alexis Bledel

You know Rory got all Occupy Yale this year.

Alison Brie

She won’t have Brita-ed women’s rights.

Christina Aguilera

I would like all the past Christina personas (Genie Xtina, Dirrty Xtina, Voice Xtina) to sing a rousing rendition of “Fighter” to congress.

Princess Leia

Alternately, I’d love for Leia to tell John Boehner he’s a little orange for a stormtrooper.

Kelly Rowland

Queen B isn’t the only one who can do it.

Beyoncé

But, of course, you never count out the queen.

Melanie Laurent

We can do it ingloriously.

Pink

Party to reclaim our rights, already started.

Amy Adams

Practicing BYOT – Bring Your Own Tools.

Amy Poehler

If that wasn’t one of the most perfect, Knope affirming, woman affirming, life affirming season finales, I’ll buy you a Sweetums bar. Today the city council, tomorrow the presidency. America, you beautiful tropical fish.

SGALGG: Oscars Edition

I love the Bridesmaids more than cheese. Granted, this isn’t saying a ton because I’m lactose intolerant and too much cheese makes me bloaty. But still, dammit, if I don’t love me a hunk of Camembert every now and again. You always hurt the ones you love, no? But, truly, the Bridesmaids typified what I enjoyed about this award season. Ladies enjoying each other’s company, making each other laugh and giving us all great entertainment in the process. Which, after all, is the true spirit of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Sure, it’s about the touchy feely fabulosity of those fauxosexual moments. But it’s really about women being comfortable in the presence of other women and appreciating each other for the fantastic creatures that we are. So, in that spirit I give you a very special Oscars Edition of SGALGG.

Rose Byrne & Melissa McCarthyNo true drunken straight gal hookup starts without shots. Scorsese!

Viola Davis & Octavia SpencerI just love these two together. Also, this is a Viola Davis Arms Appreciation Post.

Viola Davis & Meryl StreepI just love these two together. Also, this is a Viola Davis Back Appreciation Post.

Busy Phillips & Michelle WilliamsThese two are obviously taking a couple shot for their Facebook profile pictures so they can simultaneously change their statuses to “In a Relationship.”

Gwyneth Paltrow & Penelope CruzIs it just me, or does this totally look like albino Batman is giving hot Robin a hug here?

Glenn Close & Janet McTeerGlenn’s all, “Did you see her flash those puppies in ‘Albert Nobbs?’ Yeah, keep your hands off. They’re MINE!”

Claire Danes & Rashida JonesI am overcome with the unshakeable desire to see Claire guest on “Parks & Recreation” as a grown-up Angela Chase who befriends Leslie and Ann.

Jessica Chastain & Milla JovovichI feel like they’re silently acknowledging to each other that 1) They had two of the prettiest dresses on the red carpet and 2) They’d love to see each other’s dresses in a pile on their hotel room floors.

Dianna Agron & Malin AkermanI feel like Dianna is not-so silently acknowledging the No. 2 point above.

Amy Adams & Olivia WildeReboot. I’m sorry, I think my brain short circuited for a minute from all the pretty. Reboot. I’m sorry, I think my brain short circuited for a minute from all the pretty. Reboot. I’m sorry…

Ginnifer Goodwin & Sasha AlexanderSuddenly, looking at Ginnifer’s sexy pixie cut, Jane Rizzoli is starting to feel a little insecure.

Heidi Klum & Bar RefaeliClearly they did this purposely to get into SGALGG.

Cameron Diaz & Kate HudsonPlease see above.

Miley Cyrus & Kelly OsbourneWell now it’s almost starting to feel desperate.

Amy Adams, Jennifer Westfeldt, Claire Danes & Paula PattonYou want us to do you one on one? Or two by two? Or we could do three on one? Or we could do four by four? Do four by four? Four by four.

And finally, I call these last group of pictures: Meryl Streep Seduces The World

With Sandra BullockSandy is reminding Meryl of the time they kissed and trying to impress her with her finger size.

With Rooney MaraNow is your chance, Rooney. Kiss her! Hard, on the mouth!

With Octavia SpencerAnd we’ve come full circle with the drunken straight gal hookups. Someone must have yelled Scorsese and Meryl obliged.

Bonus: Angie’s Right LegI think we should acknowledge that Angelina’s bisexual side was alive and well at the Oscars as her right leg was obviously trying to initiate a threesome with Angie & Brad.