SGALGG: Oscars Edition

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming. So the Oscars were on Sunday. If you want a comprehensive recap of the big show (Cliffs Notes version: boobs song, sexist joke, Jaws theme, J-Falls perfectly) check it out over at AfterEllen. If you want to see a bunch of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals together, well, you know where to go. No, wait, don’t go anywhere. Stay here, because that’s where they are. No, I mean it. Just scroll down.

Jennifer Lawrence & Anne Hathaway

Don’t they look like the toppers on a gay lady same-sex wedding cake? Replace those shiny naked golden men with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and it’s pretty much ready for the “I Dos.”

Catherine Zeta-Jones & Jennifer Hudson

I am telling you, I’m not going…down on you in front of all of these people. Wait until later, darling.

Amanda Seyfried & Jessica Chastain

Zero Dark Eyes Up, Chastain. Eyes up.

Norah Jones & Adele

Think of the beautiful music they could make together. Figuratively and literally.

Reese Witherspoon, Naomi Watts & Isla Fisher

Naomi is the shiny meat in this beautiful cobalt blue sandwich.

Sally Field & Amy Poehler

Kiss! Make it a threesome with Tina Fey! Or with Aubrey Plaza since she’s leering at you two together in the background already.

Halle Berry & Paula Patton

No, you’re prettier. No, you’re prettier. No, you’re prettier. No, you’re… Sorry, I’m imagining their conversation.

Anne Hathaway & Sarah Silverman

Unlike Zeta-Jones and JHud, they’re not waiting to be alone to make the magic happen.

Miley Cyrus & Kelly Osbourne

This is becoming a regular thing for these two. Same time, same place next year I can only assume.

Jennifer Aniston & Charlize Theron

The blurriness of this picture was obviously caused by Jen lunging toward Charlize because no one has the kind of restraint to hold herself back when presented with that much stunning.

Charlize’s Hair

I’ve never asked a haircut to call me before. But in this case, gurl, call me.

From Cannes, with love

Oh, Cannes. The film festival is a brief, glamorous flash that can only come from the synergy of the French Riviera, movie stars and ooh la la. It’s been a couple months since we saw such a mass of famous faces all gussied up together (Oh, award season, how I miss your wealth of posting possibilities). Yesterday, the stars came out in their finest for the premiere of “My Blueberry Nights,” starring Jude Law, Norah Jones and Natalie Portman. Sure, they all look magnifique, but what were they really thinking?

French actress Judith Godrèche

Look, it’s a heart, over my heart. Get it? It symbolizes love, or something. But definitely not my left breast. Seriously, stop looking at my left breast. Note to self: Never be late with Jean-Pierre’s paycheck or that little fruitcake of a stylist will get all passive aggressive on you. Hey, buster, stop staring at my boob! Fuck it, who has a shawl?

Maggie Cheung

Oh shit, this can’t end well.

Norah to Jude

Hey, Jude. Look, I know you think you’re still the beaming golden boy we all fell in love with from “The Talented Mr. Ripley,” but time has passed. And it has passed all over your hairline. Not to mention your charm. So, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, get your skeezy hand off my waist. Where is Sienna Miller when you need her? Oh, and the Blues Brothers called, they want their sunglasses back.

Unknown smiling guy who is probably someone important and why don’t I know him, duh, between Sarah Polley and Toni Collette

Score. Wait until my ex-wife sees this picture.

The Three Graces: Andie MacDowell, Gong Li and Kerry Washington

[All Together] Damn, it’s like the United Colors of Hotness up on this red carpet. Suck it, Pussycat Dolls. Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like this. Plus, “cha” isn’t even a word. Idiots.

My Weekend Crush

My heart always melts a little when I listen to Norah Jones. That voice, oh that voice. Sure, sometimes it’s so soothing you slip into a mellow coma. But Norah’s still the real deal. She sold 20 million records and won five Grammies before she hit 25. And while she could have stayed in the sweet, jazzy spot she had staked out with “Come Away With Me,” Norah chose a dustier road with her countrified follow up “Feels Like Home.” That duet with Dolly Parton? Adorable. Norah has her own country band, The Little Willies. And lest we peg her as only silky softness, check out her punk side in El Madmo. Yes, that’s Norah in fishnets. Hello. Tuesday, her third CD “Not Too Late” hits store shelves. I’ll be waiting. Happy weekend, all.