The eLection Word

Look, I have no idea who will ultimately win the Democratic nomination for president in 2020. But I do know one thing, I will vote for a Democrat for president in 2020 no matter what. We’ve got more than a year and a half and an infinite number of Trump administration corruption scandals to go before the next presidential election, but already there are so many contenders and would-be contenders in the mix. While it’s overwhelming to think of how many candidates we’ll have to choose from, I truly think the field will benefit from vigorous – though not vicious – primary. The motto for the all the Democratic candidates should be, “First, do no harm (to each other).” Because, dammit, one of these men or women has to win…she just has to.

While we no doubt each have our personal favorites from the candidates and would-be candidates, the issue that really matters (you know – besides climate change, Medicare for all, $15 minimum wage, criminal justice reform, voting rights, racism, LGBTQ equality, et al) is how the candidates compare to their “The L Word” counterparts. Who will pander to us, the all-important queer women who obsessively watched “The L Word” constituency? So here are the candidates and their TLW doppelgängers. Because if we can’t have fun with this already infernal 2020 election cycle, we will definitely go insane before Nov. 3, 2020.

ANNOUNCED

Kamala Harris: Bette Porter

The senator from California is Bette because duh.

Kirsten Gillibrand: Tina Kennard

The senator from New York is Tina because I am deeply invested in a Straight TiBette 2020 Ticket.

Elizabeth Warren: Shane McCutcheon

The senator from Massachusetts is Shane because you always remember your first progressive girl crush.

Pete Buttigieg: Howie Fairbanks

The openly gay mayor of South Bend, Ind. Is Dana’s little brother Howie because he gives off that just-out baby gay vibe and you know it.

Julian Castro: Max Sweeney

The former Secretary of Housing and Urban Development is Max because he deserved a better storyline/would have made a great VP candidate in 2016.

Andrew Yang: Sandrine Holt

The former tech executive is Sandrine because she was the only recurring character on the show of East Asian descent and being a a tech executive is basically like being a con artist.

John Delaney: Random Bald Guy TiBette Asked For Sperm

The former congressman from Maryland is that random bald guy because, seriously, who?

Tulsi Gabbard: Lisa the “lesbian-identified man”

The congresswoman from Hawaii is Lisa because you can call yourself a Democrat all you want, but we know you’re just a anti-LGBTQ, pro-Assad fraud.

CONSIDERING

Joe Biden: Kit Porter

Good old Uncle Joe is Kit because everyone likes Kit, but you didn’t tune in/vote for Kit.

Bernie Sanders: Tim Haspel

Bernie is Tim because I’ve got nothing against straight white men, but this election/show is for the rest of us.

Cory Booker: Tasha Williams

The senator from New Jersey is Tasha because good, incredibly charismatic people can sometimes be a tad more conservative than their friend group.

Beto O'Rourke: Alice Pieszecki

The failed senate candidate from Texas is Alice because everyone lovesloveloves him, but he might not be ready for the big leagues since his senatorial campaign/spin-off show failed to launch.

Sherrod Brown: Angus the Manny

The senator from Ohio who is married to Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Connie Schultz is Angus because he seems sweet and sincere, but if he ever cheated on Connie we’d drop him in a heartbeat.

Michael Bloomberg: Mark the Creepy Video Guy

The billionaire ex-mayor of New York is Mark because he isn’t your friend, he is just another billionaire Republican from New York and can fuck right off.

Howard Schultz: Toxic Tonya

The billionaire former Starbucks CEO considering a run as an independent is Tonya because the last thing we need is another opportunistic social climber without any experience trying to run the country.

OTHER

Barack Obama: Dana Fairbanks

Obama is Dana because he’s beloved, deeply missed – dead to us because of fucking term limits.

Donald Trump: Jenny Schecter

Trump is Jenny because – while this might actually be unfair to Jenny – someone has to be the most hated crazy clown in the room.

BONUS

Unnamed Other Female Candidate: Carmen de la Pica Morales

The mystery “other” female candidate is Carmen because she’s hot and perfect and elusive, yet will still somehow get dumped at the ballot box/altar as soon as she wants to make it official by so-called progressive dudes who love to say, “I’d vote for a woman – just not that woman.”

The Reunion Word

Well, well, well. Seems all that Twitter back-and-forth between our favorite “The L Word” stars meant something after all. No, the gang isn’t reuniting for a revival of the series – just yet. But they did get together for a reunion show to discuss the series, which debuts online today. “EW Reunites: The L Word” features Jennifer Beals, Kate Moennig, Mia Kirshner, Erin Daniels, Leisha Hailey, Sarah Shahi, Daniela Sea and – yes – The Chaiken talking about the series for the People/Entertainment Weekly Network. (You can stream it here today).



I’ve ruminated about whether we need another “The L Word.” Need and want, of course, are very different things. I’d argue that as much as we might want one, we might not absolutely need one – like we did 13 years ago when it debuted – because of the amount of representation that has become integrated into other shows from “Wynonna Earp” to “Supergirl” and “Orphan Black.” Granted, we’ve had a bad run the past year or so what with all the burying of gays and some favorites leaving. (Oh, “Lost Girl,” I miss you so.) Still, as much as “The L Word” drove us all absofuckinglutely bonkers, it is a little irresistible to dream. I mean, who are we kidding, we would totally watch. Maybe, just maybe a new “The L Word” could get things right. Without the unnecessary deaths of beloved tennis stars and with more diversity. Without the offensive trans storylines/random murder mysteries/high-tech computer searches and with plots that make sense for a change. Look, a gay gal can dream.

Either way, it’s nice to see the gang all back together. While all the queer lady fandoms are great, there was something special about the communal feel of everybody watching the same show. Sure, it was because it was all we had. But it was ours – the good, the bad, the Jenny Schecter.

Here are two clips from the reunion show, courtesy the People/Entertainment Weekly Network.

First, Jennifer on saving the world.



Then Ilene on the possibility of a revival.



And here are a few more shots of The L Ladies. Damn, they’ve still got it. Reunited and it feels so gay.



p.s. In that last photo I am imagining Kate and Mia cracking up about the fact that Shenny was ever a thing.

Shenny, Shenny, Who Can I Turn To?

I know I’m a little early for Throwback Thursday, but I recently happened upon a gif of Helena falling off the treadmill on Tumblr and felt compelled to rewatch the whole scene. Yep, still holds up. Still holds up so freakin’ well. Especially Bette’s uncontrollable laughter. And Alice’s “Ewwww” face. These quick-cut scenes of the whole group have always been among my favorite. Remember the phone tree? Yeah, good times.

p.s. Even all these years later I still discover new things about this scene. The actor whose hair Shane was doing instead of Patrick Dempsey? Eric Mabius. Ah, yes, Tim. If Jenny had stayed with him none of this would have ever happened.

Naked Lady Monday: TLW Edition

So while I took Leap Day to bemoan the lack of Jennifer Beals on our TVs, I know plenty of “The L Word” alums are gainfully employed and gracing our screens (large and small) with their post-Chaiken magnificence. So, because it’s Monday and because some of you seemed somewhat perplexed by the clothing-optional selections I posted of their former coworker, I thought I’d double down. How about a little Naked Lady Monday with the hard-working former ladies of TLW? These lovely former ladies of the L all have interesting projects and programs they’re working on. And that they look god not entirely clothed? Well, that’s a sure bet. (As always, sort of NSFW. But, come on, you know you want to peek.)

Sarah ShahiThe artist formerly known as Carmen returns for the second season of “Fairly Legal” March 16 on USA. She’ll be back as legal mediator Kate Reed who usually wears considerably more clothes than this while solving complex legal disputes.

Janina GavankarThe artist formerly known as Papi will return as a series regular on True Blood this summer on HBO. She plays shifter Luna, who kind of has forever redefined my image of a beautiful wild pony running free across the planes.

Kate MoennigThe artist formerly known as Shane has signed onto the Showtime pilot “Ray Donovan,” where she will play gay once again as the “dark, intense” right hand gal to the title character L.A. P.I. to the rich and famous. Via the pilot script, we first see her waking up next to lovely lady in bed. Guess we all know who she’s looking very like that day.

Mia KirshnerThe artist formerly known as Jenny had a recurring role on “The Vampire Diaries” last season. She can next be seen on the big screen alongside True Blood vamp Stephen Moyer in the horror film “The Barrens,” about a family being stalked by the Jersey Devil. Hmmm, maybe it killed Jenny.

Lauren Lee SmithThe artist formerly known as the Soup Chef joined the second season of the Canadian psychic drama The Listener, and will return for its third season debuting later this year. I’m not going to lie, I miss the red hair.

Leisha HaileyThe artist formerly known as Alice is still as adorable as ever. But instead of acting she’s making merry music with her band Uh Huh Her. And they even have a new video out, with “So You Think You Can Dance” runner-up and out dancer Sasha Mallory.



Definitely NSFW:

Pam GrierThe artist formerly known as Kit starred alongside Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts in “Larry Crowne” last year. The inimitable Ms. Grier can next be seen in the action film “The Man with the Iron Fists” with Russell Crowe and Lucy Liu. To quote every line of Kit’s dialogue ever, “You go, baby girl!”

NOTE: No, clearly, this is not a comprehensive update of all the past TLW regulars. Those without current performing projects on the large or small screen were left off on purpose.

Girls do make passes at girls who wear glasses

So, I still can’t stop thinking about those smart girls. If there is one accessory that almost automatically adds points to a woman’s IQ, it’s a nice pair of glasses. Give a gal with glasses a book (particularly a book about kissing, like Mia Kirshner above) and be still my big nerdy heart. Now, as some of you might remember, I’m a glasses wearer. I wear contacts most of the time, but I’ve always got my specs on in the evening to write and watch TV and hang about the house. As a kid, I wore glasses full-time – big clunky things that for some incomprehensible reason covered more of my cheeks than my actual eyes. Seriously, were we trying to look through some heretofore unknown fourth eye with those enormous hubcap lenses in the 80s? Back then they used to say “Guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.” But that was before the whole sexy librarian thing really took off. And now, well, I still can’t speak for the guys, but this gal sure likes making passes at girls who wear glasses. In particular, these gals. No need to take your glasses off and shake out your hair, ladies. I mean, feel free to shake out your hair, but definitely keep the glasses on while you do it. Here’s looking at you, four eyes.

Mary-Louise ParkerBig brown eyes behind big brown frames make my knees weak, instantly.

Cate BlanchettBlue eyes behind blue frames ain’t half bad either.

Shirley MansonOf course, gingers can wear whatever color frames they want.

Angelina JolieAnd then sometimes you don’t need any color at all, just the world’s most expertly arched eyebrow.

Anna TorvEverything in this picture works for me. Glasses. V-neck. Ponytail. Laptop. Books. Heck, I even like the lamp.

Padma LakshmiEverything in this picture works for me, too. Plus, I know Padma could cook me an amazing dinner afterwards. And then we’d talk shit about Tom Colicchio.

Sarah ShahiNow that’s what I call a nice pair – of glasses.

Helena Bonham CarterThis whole ensemble is crazy. But crazy good, not crazy Bellatrix Lestrange.

Rachel MaddowOh, to have her look over her Clark Kent glasses and talk dirty, dirty politics to me.

Tina FeyOh, please, like I wasn’t going to include her.

Marlee Matlin & Jennifer BealsThis is them, the insane hubcap-sized glasses we used to wear in the 80s. Of course, they look fine on Marlee and Jennifer. Whatever, I’m not jealous. Though, we probably shouldn’t talk about the hair.

Oh, and one other sexy thing about glasses? When things get steamy, so do they.

Bite Me

I have a thing for vampires, this is no secret. The fangs, the biting, the immortality. That’s one sexy combo. It helps that lady vampires are being portrayed right now on screen – both big and small – by some very attractive actresses. So with Halloween approaching, I thought we’d pay tribute to these toothsome talents. But why mindlessly ogle when you can make it a cutthroat competition? Let’s sink our teeth into the beautiful bloodsuckers from the three biggest vampire series out currently (“True Blood,” “The Vampire Diaries” and the “Twilight” saga) and see which group tastes the best.

TRUE BLOOD

PamHot, blonde and into chicks.

Sophie-AnneHot, ginger and into chicks.

JessicaHot, ginger and not into chicks, but I would happily spend an eternity trying to convert her.

THE VAMPIRE DIARIES

KatherineEvil, but has a good doppelganger so, you know, kind of the best of both worlds.

CarolineI like her so much better as a vampire than a human, is that wrong?

IsobelWe all knew Jenny Schecter was a vampire already, this is just more upfront about it.

TWILIGHT

Esme and Alice CullenDoes the fact that they’re not really mother and daughter makes it any less creepy that I think they make a nice looking couple? OK, still no.

RosalieI’m just going to say it, I don’t like Nikki Reed as a blonde.

JaneDoes the fact that her character is, like, 1,000 years old make it any less creepy that she is actually 16? OK, still no.

So, which lady vamps do it for you? Who sucks the least, figuratively? Or the most, literally? Yes, I know I went there with all the bad puns. Bite me.