Friday, September 29, 2017

My Weekend Crush

Oh, Kate. Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate. You know you’ve made it when you get the full Annie Leibovitz Vanity Fair treatment. Of course, we knew our Kate back when she was a mere lass on “The Big Gay Sketch Show” and hanging out doing Big Gay Vlogs on the old (RIP) AfterEllen. But now, here she is, being all circus master-y, Katharine Hepburn-y, denim country girl-y and awkwardly carefree vixen on the beach-y. Also, some weird Pagliacci in a bikini top – for some reason.

I can’t say much about the 4,000-word profile (that includes only six, yes SIX, quotes from McKinnon herself). But Kate, lady, you made it. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

The Begging Place

Kittens, are you watching “The Good Place?” Please, please (please, please, please) watch “The Good Place.” Season 2 has started (and if you missed Season 1 you can binge it on Netflix, do it now why are you still reading, do it). But I really, really (really, really, really) want this show to keep going. I don’t ask for much (well, other than the destruction of the patriarchy and more women to wear tank tops), but I am asking you to give this crazy show a try. And if you have already been giving it a try and, like me, watched the whole first season right up to that last motherforking episode in totally, blissed out hilarity (and complete shock), this next clip is for you.

If you have not watched the first season, I also cannot stress this enough. DO NOT WATCH THE CLIP BELOW. DO NOT WATCH IT DO NOT WATCH IT. DO NOT WATCH IT. It will ruin the entire series for you and I want your life to be filled with only happiness and sunshine interspersed with kittens and puppies who come to visit for pets and snuggles. So are we clear on my requests here? Watch “The Good Place.” Don’t watch the video below if you haven’t watched “The Good Place.” See? Simple.

p.s. Kristen Bell shot this video and kept it for the past year because apparently only she and Ted Danson had been clued in on the finale’s ending which is some crazy ass shirt.

p.p.s. “The Good Place” airs at 8:30 tonight on NBC so now you know what to do.

p.p.p.s. It is on between “Superstore,” which you should also watch, and “Will & Grace” which, duh, I know you’re gonna watch. So come on, give it a try. (But again, not that embedded video about the finale which you should only watch if you’ve watched Season 1. Shoot, is this getting confusing again?)

p.p.p.p.s. Right, let’s make it simple. Probably just turn on your TV and watch NBC tonight. (Also, to clear up any lingering confusion, this is not a paid ad because I don’t do those, as my bank account will attest.)

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Masters of the Time of Your Life

Guys, I know I usually (basically always) post about the ladies. But this U.K. ad for, of all things, a supermarket chain price comparison website is so weird and so wonderful and also so weirdly wonderfully gay I just had to share. Hope it makes your Wednesday bright. Have the time of your life the rest of this week like He-Man and Skeletor.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Only Yourselves to Thank

Man, I miss me some Julia Sugarbaker sometimes. Like, goodness, we could have used her in the 2016 election. And, my word, you just know in 2017 she would be averaging about 2.5 Terminator rants a week – at minimum. Whenever I’m feeling a little low about the state of affairs (like, you know, about having a racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, narcissistic, thin-skinned, money-grubbing moron as president), I think of metaphorically burning it all down with a classic Julia Sugarbaker takedown. And for my money none, not even the “The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia” one, can top this. I recommend playing it for yourself at least once a year, and probably more. Ah, now don’t you feel rejuvenated and ready to take down the patriarchy again?

p.s. In case you were wondering, fear not, The Julia also made her thoughts on The Donald perfectly clear. Somewhere in TV heaven you just know Julia Sugarbaker and Dorothy Zbornak are having a field day trading their best Trump insults back and forth.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Double Lesbians, Double Fun(damental Rights)

Hey, you like lesbians, right? And you like laughing, right? And you like lesbians who are funny (not to be redundant, as many, many of us are very, very funny – all of you included) and make you laugh (but in a good way), right? Well then don’t miss your chance to catch Cameron Esposito and Rhea Butcher on their cross-country Back to Back Tour. Yes, that’s two lesbians comics for the price of one. Such a deal! (For a free sample of said deal, please enjoy the video above.)

The very funny married ladies started their tour last week and I had the privilege of catching their show over the weekend. And it is my professional opinion as a person who writes her opinions professionally on The Internet that it was really great (imagine a Tony the Tiger voices here for emphasis). Yes, of course it was funny, but it was also socially conscience in a way that makes you feel less crazy about the world. And feeling less crazy about the world in the Age of Trump is no small thing. This isn’t to say they normalized all or any of the terrible, horrible, very bad, no good things that are happening. Not at all. Instead it was kind of like a ballroom-sized therapy session (lesbians processing en masse, you don’t say).

Like if you’re casually scrolling through your Twitter feed and suddenly the man we inexplicably call president posts something else about how much he loves the flag even though you know if someone told him he had to burn down a forest of American flags to clear land to build another stupid hotel with his name on it he’d do it in a fucking heartbeat. And you feel that familiar pressure in your chest and pounding in your temple like, THIS IS NOT NORMAL, WHY IS ANY OF THIS HAPPENING, HOW DO WE MAKE IT STOP.

Well they expressed that in a way that was a) funny and b) made you feel less alone. So many of us (well, except those people in the red hats and the white polos and the khaki pants…) feel like we’re going insane because of how insane our government is right now. But it feels good to be around a large group of people who are like, yes, I too believe things are completely fucked up. Laughing is healthy – and necessary – to stay sane. And so is action and acknowledging our role in doing whatever we can to make things better and support those who are the most hurt by this cruel and hateful administration. And all the better if two short-haired (Cameron cut off her side mullet – it was big gay news) are the ones reminding us of this, but in a funny way. Their show was proof positive that The Resistance can be entertaining as hell.

p.s. Naturally, Cameron and Rhea took a knee before their show. I don’t play football or have a comedy tour, so I took a knee before vacuuming the house yesterday. You know, same diff.

p.p.s. I was not paid to say any of this, I bought my ticket like Tom Price and Steve Mnuchin would never do. Though, full disclosure, both Cameron and Rhea now follow me on Twitter, so it’s kind of like we’re BFFs.

Friday, September 22, 2017

My Weekend Crush

Should we just rename it Carolflix? “Carol” has officially come to Netflix this week. So if some inconceivable reason you have not watched the best lesbian romance to ever grace the big screen, small screen or smartphone screen – seriously, what is wrong with you? Regardless, here is your chance to catch it for the first time, or – if you’re like me – watch it again (and again and again and again and again) with the same wonder as the first time. Happy weekend, dearest.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Our Wild and Precious Lives

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

This quote by the poet Mary Oliver is equal parts call to joy and call to action. And if that’s the only thing you take away from Edie Windsor’s life and death it is still really quite a thing. Last Friday the memorial service for the LGBT rights hero was held in New York. And, wouldn’t you know it, the woman who actually won the popular vote made a surprise appearance to give a eulogy. Meanwhile the man we inexplicably call president has yet to even mention her passing at all. But, hey, he found the time to tweet about the Emmy ratings, so there’s that. When you have the time today, or in the next few days or whenever you can, I highly recommend you listen to Hillary beautifully memorialize Edie. Two great women, two determined women, two women who have left an indelible impact on this nation. And, yes, I know – Hillary isn’t perfect which everyone somehow feels the need to point out every single time her name is mentioned even though literally no one on fucking Earth is perfect. So, with Mary Oliver’s words ringing in my ears and Edie’s courage warming my heart, I vow to quit apologizing for complex women from here on out. And I vow to never postpone joy. Thank you, Hillary and Edie.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Crofting New Heroes

Right, so let’s get into this new “Tomb Raider” trailer. When the reboot of the action franchise was announced I was a big, “M’k. I guess.” I also thought Alicia Vikander was a tad slight to fill Angelina Jolie’s combat boots. But then I saw her abs and I was like, “K. Give it a chance.” And now that I’ve seen the first trailer I’m like, “OK. Imma probably see this.”

It’s not necessarily that seeing Alicia Katniss Everdeening her way through the jungle in a tank top has sold me. I mean, it’s not terrible. This looks like your pretty standard action-adventure, world-saving, evil-defeating storyline. But with one, make that two, very important differences that make it not standard in the least. One, of course, is that it is an action-adventure, world-saving, evil-defeating storyline centered around a female lead. This is Lara Croft’s story, yet Lara Croft is among only a handful of female action hero franchises to make it to the big screen – period. Ripley from “Aliens,” Sarah from “Terminator,” Selene from “Underworld,” Alice from “Resident Evil,” Katniss from “Hunger Games,” Rey from “Star Wars” and Furiosa from “Mad Max” (dear movie gods, please, more Furiosa, please…), deserve more sisters. So if we want more of them, we should support the ones we have.

And, on secondary note, it’s nice to see her male sidekick (secondary hero?) is an Asian actor. Not too many of those in major American film franchises either. Create a more diverse array of heroes, create more interesting array of stories – period.

So bring on the new Lara Croft. Long may she run, jump, punch, kick, shoot, swing and reign at the box office. And may many, many, many, many more ladies who do the same come behind her.

p.s. I’ve included a little video of Alicia Vikander training to get into Lara Croft fighting shape. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing. Ahem.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

SGALGG: Emmys Edition

To be honest, at this year’s Emmys there were so many Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gals at the Emmys we hardly need a Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Plus we’ve got Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals With Gay Gals. Hell, at this point it’s just one big gay jumbles and I’m here for all of it. Though, if any of this smorgasbord of sexuality is causing any lingering confusion, please allow me to clear things up.

SGALGG: Mackenzie Davis & Gugu Mbatha-Raw

San Junipero forever (like, literally, forever).

GGALGG: Lena Waithe & Alana Mayo

Thanking your girlfriend in your Emmy speech is like 1 million Girlfriend Points, no?

SGALGGWGG: Sarah Paulson & Thandie Newton

No one tell Holland.

GGALGG: Samira Wiley & Lauren Morelli

Happily married photogenic couple is happily married and photogenic.

SGALGGWGG: Samira Wiley & Oprah

No one tell Gayle.

SGALGG: Anna Chlumsky & Ellie Kemper

My Girl is Unbreakable. Sorry, they can’t all be winners.

GGALGG: Evan Rachel Wood

I lied. Evan Rachel Wood and her vests can always be a winner.

SGALGG: Zoe Kravitz & Tessa Thompson

Unfortunately, rainbow dresses don’t actually make you gay – yet.

GGALGG: Kate McKinnon

Gay Lady World Domination Tour starts here.

SGALGGWGG: Kate McKinnon & Nicole Kidman

I see Kate’s already attracting tour groupies.

SGALGG: Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon, Laura Dern & Zoe Kravitz

I may or may not have cropped Shailene Woodley out because she had the gall to brag about not owning or watching television on the red carpet of a television award show where she was nominated for acting on a television show to a reporter broadcasting it on a television show. Also I’m pretty sure she voted for Jill Stein.

SGALGGWGG: Lily Tomlin, Dolly Parton & Jane Fonda

Legends only.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Emmys Loves the Gay Ladies

Well, now that didn’t suck. The Emmys were an unmistakable win for us gay ladies. San Junipero. Kate McKinnon. Lena Waithe. The Handmaid’s Tale. It was like lesbian Christmas and New Year’s rolled up into one very well-dressed night. So let’s go through our big wins one by one.

San Junipero

I was shocked – in the best possible way – that my favorite episode of television in the past year (and perhaps in the past several years) not only earned the recognition it did but actually won. Twice. This unusual show, this singular episode, this tale of eternal love and this redefinition of a happy ending. This totally and completely gay romance won for both Outstanding Television Movie and for Outstanding Writing for a Limited Series, Movie, or Dramatic Special. Twice. It won twice. Heaven is a place called Emmys.

Kate McKinnon

Kate the Great takes home her second straight Emmy win for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series. And even though it all went wrong and were robbed of four more years of her playing Hillary Clinton on SNL, she did her best. And in her acceptance she also said, “on a very personal note I want to say thank you to Hillary Clinton for your grace and grit.” Now the only question left to answer is who was the short-haired lady sitting next to her at the Emmys?

Lena Waithe

Lena become the first black woman to win for writing for a comedy series. The out queer writer took home the trophy for the “Thanksgiving” episode of “Master of None” along with show creator Aziz Ansari. And in her acceptance she said, “And last, but certainly not least, my LGBTQIA family. I see each and every one of you. The things that make us different, those are our super powers. Every day, when you walk out the door and put on your imaginary cape and go out there and conquer the world — because the world would not be as beautiful as it is if we weren’t in it.” Not all heroes wear capes. Some wear dapper-ass shiny suits.

The Handmaid’s Tale

Granted, while it’s not an exclusively gay story (though it does have two prominent lesbian characters, one played by an out queer woman) “The Handmaid’s Tale” is a searing indictment of our worst human inclinations. But the the most disturbing part of this dystopian world ruled by an authoritarian government that strictly controls women’s bodies in the name of some conservative moral zealotry doesn’t feel all that fictional in this day and age.

Other Emmy 2017 highlights: First South Asian man to win an acting Emmy (Riz Ahmed for “The Night Of”), first black person to win an Emmy for comedy directing (Donald Glover for “Atlanta”), the first black actor to win for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy since 1985 (Also Donald Glover for “Atlanta”), first black actor to win Outstanding Lead Actor in a Dram since 1998 (Sterling K. Brown for “This Is Us”), and first woman to win Outstanding Director in a Drama since 1995 (Reed Morano for “The Handmaid’s Tale”). Three cheers for inclusiveness, three cheers for gayness.

p.s. The one thing about the Emmys that definitely did suck was the “Aw, Shucks” treatment of Sean Spicer. He was paid to lie to the American people for a racist, sexist, xenophobic bigot. He does not get to fail up and redeem himself on national television. Nope to that bullshit forever.

Friday, September 15, 2017

My Weekend Crush

Sorry, again, to keep sharing videos from that hair tousle, but it’s not too often you get not only one but two lesbian guests on late night television. So here is Tig Notaro and Sarah Paulson kind of cracking each other up. Just pretend Jimmy’s not there, I know I do. And feel free to steal these party bits. As an natural introvert I appreciate any help at large social gatherings I can get. The dog one in particular seems like a great way to meet other lesbians – though you might want to switch it to a cat, depending on the crowd. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Spit Take

Rachel Weisz and Rachel McAdams Have Incredible Sex in Disobedience

Well, hello – now there’s a headline. It’s almost enough to set the Lesbian Bat Signal up to “Carol” levels of anticipation. I’ve written about their new film “Disobedience” before. The pair play childhood friends from an Orthodox Jewish community who rekindle their illicit relationship as adults. And now that it has premiered at Toronto the reviews have started to come in, and they’re good. And then there’s that headline, which certainly makes every gay gal I know want to click the link. If you don’t want spoilers for the plot, stop reading now. If you want to know what qualifies as “incredible sex,” read on:

Apparently the two women (Rachel Weisz as Ronit, a photographer who has left her conservative upbringing to live in New York, and Rachel McAdams as Esti, a schoolteacher who remains in the orthodox community and is married to a man), finally hook up in a hotel where the “mind-blowing meeting of the Rachels can finally be released.” And I quote:

The two drink each other in again, but this time with unhindered relish, McAdams’s Esti groaning as Weisz’s Ronit undoes the crotch of her bodysuit with her teeth, Esti searching every contour of Ronit’s mouth with her tongue, then the ecstasy as they each reach inside the other’s underpants. They are simultaneously ravenous and exquisitely thorough. Though the moment almost everyone will be talking about will be when Weisz straddles McAdams and gently spits into her mouth, as McAdams eagerly receives it and asks for more, and more again.
Yeah, I know. It was all going so well until the whole “spits into her mouth” thing. Seriously, spits into her mouth? What? No. More and more again? No, again no. Is this some hot new lesbian trend I just don’t understand? Because imma NOPE out of that right quick.

I hope, sincerely, that it’s something less gross than actual just spitting into each other’s mouth. That this is some kind of failure to properly describe an erotic act on the author’s part. The writer also calls the scene as “sexy and gorgeous,” which I have never associated with the word “spit” in my entire life. So, yeah. The scene is then also described as “a tad male-gaze-y” which, come on guys. Can’t lesbians have one thing? And can that one thing please not involve spitting?

But, then it redeems itself somewhat by saying:
“Most of all, though, it’s moving, and very different from the coming-of-age lesbian scenes of ‘Blue Is the Warmest Color’ and ‘The Handmaiden.’ Here are two grown women who’ve done this before and are well past the discovery phase. Their only desire is to give pleasure to and receive it from one another, and they’ve been stymied for so long by circumstances…”
Yeah, that’s more like it. That I like. That gets me cranking up the old Lesbian Bat Signal again. Just, you know, keep the spit to yourselves, please.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Rest In Pride

If you ever doubt that one person can change the world, think of Edie Windsor. One singular woman, one timeless love, one righteous fight. They all came together in Edie, who undeniably changed the world for the better. Her death yesterday at age 88 is a reminder that no matter how small and helpless we feel, we should never doubt our power to do what is right. Hers was an unlikely journey to LGBT rights hero and icon. You might not think an octogenarian who had lived a quiet and loved life with her wife, Thea Spyer, for four decades would make history. But when Thea died in 2009 and the government refused to recognize their union (to the tune of a hefty six-figure federal tax bill), she fought back. For Thea, for all of us. And, wouldn’t you know it, she won. Edie slayed the Goliath. In 2013 the United States Supreme Court ruled the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional in 2013 (United Sates v. Windsor). And that paved the way two years later in 2015 for the Supreme Court’s to declare same-sex marriage legal across the entire United States (Obergefell v. Hodges). Upon her passing Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton were among the outpouring of people offering words of condolences and homages to her place in history. Love, indeed, trumps hate. And love, like that between Edie and Thea where you dance a hole into your stocking together the first night you meet, can truly change the world. Thank you, Edie. Thank you from the bottom of our big gay hearts forever.

p.s. Hey, here is an idea, replace all Confederate monuments with a statue of Edie just like this. For one, she actually won her war. And for another, she actually made America greater. Radical idea, I know.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Your Best Paulson

Sarah Paulson continues to be an endless delight and someone we all wish was our lesbian BFF (no offense to my real lesbian BFF, but she is better at impressions that you – that’s a fact). I’m always so pleased when she has a new project coming out (even though I still feel very “Too Soon” about “American Horror Story: Cult” and its Election 2016 overtones). But I am pleased because that will mean more talk show appearances. Here she is slaying (naturally) her impressions. The Holly Hunter and the sunflower seeds thing almost made me spit out my drink. (I know, I know – I still have a hard time watching Jimmy because of the whole hair tousling/enabling a monster/our next president thing). But stick it out for Sarah because it’s worth it.

Also, here is Sarah explaining that amazing fangirling red carpet photo. Like I said, excellent lesbian BFF material.

Monday, September 11, 2017

We Got Weather

We have had some, shall we say, inclement weather here in the United States. Hurricanes, floods, wildfires. My thoughts, of course, are with all those who lost loved ones, their homes, their worldly possessions and all else the full force of our climate run amok has taken from them. (Also, dude, climate change is so fucking real.) So with all due respect to the insane power of Mother Nature, here is the most ridiculously insane scene from the weather disaster classic “Twister.” It’s also an early Tank Top Tuesday, because I’m sure Helen Hunt in that white tank is more than a few of your roots. We’ve got cows, kittens.

Friday, September 08, 2017

My Weekend Crush

One of my favorite things continues to be seeing “Game of Thrones” characters in costume while using modern contraptions. I particularly like anything to so with Cersei Lannister acting very un-Cersei Lannister-y. Like, sure she almost killed her brother/incest lover, is double-crossing Daenery Targaryen and doesn’t give a shit if White Walkers kill every last living soul in Westeros. She’s still Lena Headey/the most adorable lesbian florist in the world to me. I mean, look at that tongue. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, September 07, 2017

Magic Lesbians Bus

The lesbians are in your children’s TV, making everything more magical. I was a little too old (cough, a lot too old, cough) to have watched “The Magic School Bus.” I was more of a “3-2-1 Contact” girl, myself. But I’m all for educational television voiced by lesbians. And now that they are rebooting it on Netflix there are not one, but two lesbian voices. Lily Tomlin, who voiced the original Ms. Fizzles and will return now as Prof. Fizzles, and Kate McKinnon, who will play Fiona Felicity Frizzle her sister. As an added coolness bonus, the new theme for “The Magic School Bus Rides Again” is sung by none other than Hamilton’s Lin-Manuel Miranda. The original theme for the old series was sung by none other than Little Richard. Damn, now I feel like I missed out. Well, at least I get another shot. Hey, it’s educational.

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

Great British Eat It

So I guess the “Great British Bake-Off” has made its Channel 4 debut. And while normally the start of a new season of my favorite televised Xanax would fill me with joy and soothing shots of the British countryside, whatever has returned can never hold candle to what was. This new Mary Berry, Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc-less incarnation just makes me sad. No one gives a fart about Paul Hollywood, and you know it. Mary, Sue and Mel were the show. Well, that and all the overly polite and totally lovely British folks reacting to their disastrous bakes. But, for real, Mary, Mel and Sue, forever. Particularly Mary saying something a little, um, saucy.

Tuesday, September 05, 2017

I Just Called To Say...

Kittens, today marks the year anniversary of the end of “Rizzoli & Isles.” And, yeah, I still miss that show and its crazy, insane, totally gay chemistry. No, the cases didn’t make sense. No, the police procedure wasn’t right. No, I have no idea why didn’t just give in and make Jane and Maura a couple. But despite it all it was still ridiculously fun chronicling seven years worth of Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching, Eye Sex, Ponytails of Righteous Justice, Aviators of Sexy Justice, Adorable Bickersons and, of course, the Synchronized “Rizzoli” and “Isles” Phone Greetings. And, of course, we'll always gave the Subtext Recaps. Ah, the memories.

Monday, September 04, 2017

B + D = Hell Yeah

So our first “Game of Thrones”-less Sunday until after the long, dark winter has arrived. And here we are waiting (and waiting, and waiting, and waaaaaaiting) for the final season. Which Targaryen – if any – will assume the Iron Throne. Which dragon – if any – will survive the inevitable battle with the Ice Dragon. Which people actually ship – if any – Jon and Dany becoming doting parents to their inevitable fire/ice incest baby. All that is fine and good, but what I really care about is what will come of Brienne of Tarth. And to that end I believe we should all listen to the wisdom of Gwendoline Christie. Who better than her to assess Brienne’s fate? No one, I say. So is it said, so shall it be.

Friday, September 01, 2017

My Weekend Crush

Yes, I know, many of our pop stars are problematic. We love (love, love) to pit them against each other. Especially if they’re women, precisely because they are women. But besides providing us with the effervescent delights to make our daily drives, work and lives just that much more fun, sometimes they’ve got some pretty wonderful messages. I’m way too old to watch the MTV Video Music Awards anymore. But I’m happy to share Pink’s Video Vanguard Award speech. Because helping more people appreciate more kinds of beauty in the world is always a good thing. Sure, another pop singer may have sung that song first. But a good thing is a good thing no matter who says it and no matter who shares it. Plus, Pink has always been one of my absolute favorites. So rock on with your bad selves, ladies. Happy beautiful weekend, all.