Lizzie Borden Took A Lady Lover

Fetch me my axe, ladies, I’ve got some grinding to do. Actually, nix the axe. I’d probably just cut off my own arm. But, I am rather enjoying this new take on the Lizzie Borden story. You know the one – where Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave all those whacks. Except this time Lizzie Borden is Chloe Sevigny and the family’s maid Bridget Sullivan is played by Kristen Stewart. Oh, and did I mention they’re lover? Yeah, it’s like that.

From the trailer the film has a real “Dolores Claiborne” vibe but with an axe instead of an eclipse and with lesbianism instead of mother-daughter estrangement. I don’t know whether this will be any good but already it seems it has to be better than the pretty terrible Lifetime movie “Lizzie Borden Took an Ax.” Because that was truly bad, and not good bad.

May Lizzie and Bridget and their axe live happily ever after and never, ever have to eat pigeon again.

Fetch Them Their Axe

The “Carol Effect” is alive and well. First “Disobedience” with its questionable spitting, then “Vita & Virginia” with its lush first look, and well we haven’t seen much out of “Tell It to the Bees” just yet. But now we have our first look at the lesbian love that took an axe. Kristen Stewart and Chloe Sevigny are starring as lesbian lovers in the new Lizzie Borden movie. “Lizzie” tells the infamous story of Lizzie (played by Chloe) who was accused (and acquitted) of axe murdering of her family in 1892. K-Stew will play the Borden’s live-in maid and Lizzie’s live-in gal pal. The film has been described as a “gothic psychological thriller with an indelible romance at its core.” So, what you’re saying is they’re each other’s Totino?

The film was recently accepted to Sundance and Chloe and K-Stew celebrated in character.



No word on whether they’ll end up revealing who really gave Lizzie’s mother 40 whacks, or her father 41. But, guess what, I’ll be happy to watch to find out.

Oh Yes

After yesterday’s World Full of No casting news about that terrible, terrible gender-reassignment-surgery-as-punishment-revenge-story with two talented actresses who should know way, way better, how about some good news? How about two good newses?

First, Kristen Stewart and Chloe Sevigny are in talks to star in a new psychological thrilled about famed (alleged) murder Lizzie Borden. Chloe would play Lizzie and Kristen would play her family’s live-in maid, Bridget Sullivan, with whom Lizzie also (allegedly) had a romantic relationship. Lesbian love and axe murder? Does it make me a bad person to be extremely excited about this possibility? Probably, but I’ve come to terms with it.

Second, Clea DuVall (who, coincidentally, played Lizzie Borden’s sister in the recent Lifetime miniseries about her), has also recently been cast in a new project. She will join the upcoming USA network series “Brooklyn Animal Control.” I know, I know, you’re having visions of Clea cuddling with rescue puppies and stray kitties right now and your little gay heart is about to explode. Hold up, this is a different kind of animal. Like werevolves. The show is based on a comic by the same name and Clea plays the eldest daughter of her werewolf clan mother and the heir apparent to lead her people. Yep, I’m in. I’m so in.

I’ve come to accept that while I enjoy a good straight (no, not that sort of straight) drama or comedy, I’m most apt to get excited about crime and/or genre shows. And both these projects are right up that alley. See, now doesn’t that soothe away just a little of the rage from that other news? OK, not really. But any good news is welcome addition, at least.

Queer fears

You know when you call something a mind fuck and really you mean, “That’s kind of fucked up. Let’s put it out my mind.”? Will if you, like me, are being forced against your will to watch this season of “American Horror Story” then you are among the few who can legitimately use the term “mind fuck” and mean it in almost the literal sense. Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk are having nonconsensual sex with my brain and I don’t like it one bit. As I have already mentioned, I am a huge wuss when it comes to scary things. I only watched the first few episodes of the first season of “American Horror Story,” but knew it was not for me with its ghouls and ghosts.

But this season, this season is less about the things that go bump in the dark and more about the things that go bump in your brain. The creators have gone for the non-too-subtle metaphor of making this season about psychological scares and setting it in, duh, a mental asylum. And, boy, have they done a terrifying job of bringing every gay person’s worst nightmares to life this season. Having your lover blackmailed into committing you to the institution just because you are both lesbians. Getting locked up against your will in the nut house just for being a lesbian. Being subjected to electroshock treatment just for being a lesbian. Enduring sexual behavior modification therapy just because you are a lesbian. And now (SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS) finding out your girlfriend has been brutally murdered by the one seemingly rational man in the entire place and kept on ice (minus her teeth – shudder) for you to continue your sick ex-gay therapy on just because you are a lesbian? Welcome to your mind fuck, there is no lube.

I can’t say I enjoy this season of “American Horror Story,” because I don’t. I had to close my eyes during the whole (SPOILERS AGAIN) possibly Anne Frank lobotomy scene. And don’t get me started about what the hell they’ve done to poor Chloe Sevigny. But I will say that Ryan and Brad are doing an admirable job of making my every worst nightmare spring to life on screen to terrify and disgust me in equal measure. And while it is not, in any way shape or form, easy to watch, it is interesting. And it is interesting not just for the sheer WTFness of it, but because it does something few horror genre offerings do. It makes us sympathize with the lesbian character above pretty much all others. Sarah Paulson’s Lana is the proxy for the audience, and her anguish is the audience’s anguish. Granted, I’m never happy when a LGBT character has to endure terrible, horrible, very bad, no good things. But I do commend them for making Lana’s horrifying journey our journey. More so than the young man accused of killing his wife. More so than the French girl accused of killing her family. More so than the promiscuous young woman who gets her legs cut off. More than anyone, we’re stuck in this god-awful place with Lana. And we’re rooting for her, above all others, to make it out.

Now will she? Fuck if I know. Also, what the fuck is up with the aliens?

Gender Fuck Thursday: Gay It Forward

Right, so sometimes the lovely ladies who gay it forward wear suits instead of tank tops. Which is fine by me. I’m equal opportunity when it comes to my preferred lesbian attire. And I can’t think of a better subject to lead the way than Carla Gugino. She’s had more lesbian and lesbianish scenes than the cast of “The L Word.” Granted, the movies are largely of questionable quality. “Jaded,” “Rise: Blood Hunter,” “Center of the World,” “Sin City,” “She Creature.” They’re not exactly “Citizen Kane.” But, you know, A for effort. Though I really think we should get a petition going to finally put Carla in a good lesbian movie. It’d be a crime to let someone who looks that good in a suit go to waste. A damn crime.

Jaime MurrayIf Myka saw this you know she’d throw herself at HG, non-corporeal form or not.

Jordana BrewsterIf you ever want to find the lesbians in a crowd, just yell the name “Lucy Diamond” and see whose heads swivel faster than you can say “D.E.B.S.”

Amy AdamsWhile I’ve never seen the rest of “Standing Still,” I will admit to watching one particular scene more than once.

Chloe SevignyI have no idea what’s going on with the strange face kerchief. But seeing her in a jacket gives me warm fuzzies about her uber butch hottie in “If These Walls Could Talk II.”

Christina HendricksI kept the “Without a Trace” where she played an agoraphobic lesbian on my DVR for an unusually long time.

Kristin Scott ThomasI know, I’ve been on a bit of a KST kick of late. But with “Love Crimes” coming up and “Tell No One,” “Bitter Moon” and that scene in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” where she said she was a lesbian once in college all in the bag, can you really blame me?

Heather MorrisIt’s Brittany, bitch. And I have a lot more to say about her over on AfterEllen a little later today.

Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew BarrymoreIt’s the hat trick of lesbian kisses with Cameron in “Being John Malkovich,” Lucy in “Rise: Blood Hunter” and the “Ally McBeal” kiss heard around the world and Drew in “Poison Ivy.” With that track record it’s amazing they didn’t work in a threesome kiss in “Charlie’s Angels.” Well, there’s always the new TV show.

Sasha AlexanderDr. Maura Isles wearing Det. Jane Rizzoli’s clothes? I’ll be in my bunk, possibly forever.

p.s. Maura is totally checking out Jane’s ass in her dress here.

SGALGG: Co-Worker Edition

It’s that time of year again for office potlucks and parties. That means hours of awkward socialization with your coworkers and watching your boss get sauced while hit on the receptionist. For the love of God, someone spike the eggnog so we can make it through the holiday season. But informal interactions with your colleagues doesn’t have to be an uncomfortable exercise in stilted small talk. In fact, it could be downright enjoyable. Of course, the level of enjoyability is greatly dependent on who your co-workers are. I mean, these co-workers certainly seem friendly. And when I say “friendly,” I mean like Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Let Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn, circa “She-Devil” “Death Becomes Her” (mixed up my late 80s-early 90s wacky Meryl Streep comedies) show you the way to workplace bliss. She ain’t heavy, she’s my co-worker.

Alison Brie & Gillian Jacobs, “Community”Alison tweeted that this was her preferred reading position. “Reading,” so that’s what the kids are calling it today.

Maggie Q & Lyndsy Fonseca, “Nikita”Lyndsy looks like she is blushing from Maggie whispering a passage from some particularly explicit Nikita/Alex fanfic she found online. What? I can’t be the only one who ships this, right? I mean, have you seen how many tank tops they wear?

Lena Headey & Summer Glau, “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles”Speaking of tank tops, this show was none too shabby about getting its stars in them whenever possible.

Emily Blunt & Amy Adams, “Sunshine Cleaning”Sure, they played sisters. But that body language isn’t sisterly. Just sayin’.

Blake Lively & Leighton Meester, “Gossip Girl”It’s the old “let’s compare hand sizes”-move. Nice.

Feist & Emily Haines, Broken Social SceneIndie Rock Goddess Powers activate.

Audra McDonald & Anne Hathaway, “Twelfth Night”So much Shakespearean swoon is happening in this picture, it almost needs footnotes.

Chloe Sevigny & Ginnifer Goodwin, “Big Love”Bill Paxton who?

Jill Biden & Michelle ObamaThey make a very nice couple. No, really, I mean that. That look Michelle is giving Jill says maybe she does, too.

Naya Rivera & Dianna Agron, “Glee”Quintana, is that a thing?

Dianna Agron & Lea Michele, “Glee”Now I know Faberry/Achele is a thing. And by “thing” I mean what I replace all Quinn/Sam or Rachel/Finn scenes with in my head.

Tank Top Tuesday

So even though it may seem like all I ever do is sit on my ass on the couch and watch TV, this is amazingly not actually the case. To be sure, I watch a lot of television. But I don’t watch everything. Now I feel downright righteous about some of non-watching stands. Still other shows make me feel downright bad about not watching. To atone for my guilt, I’d like to offer up my thank you for the lovely actresses involved. A few more tank tops like this and I’ll have to go on a series DVD renting spree of epic proportions. Good thing I like my couch.

Grace Park, Battlestar GalacticaYes, I still have never watched BSG. Please don’t tell anyone or the Geek Police will surely come to my house and arrest me for crimes against nerdiness.

Evangeline Lilly, LostThis being the final season and all, it seems ridiculous to start. Also ridiculous? A smoke monster.

Anna Paquin, True BloodI love vampires. I love Alan Ball. I have no idea why I’m not watching this show.

Chloe Sevigny, Big LoveNow this one I don’t feel quite as bad about. I mean, even Chloe said last season was “awful.”

Jessica Stroup, 90210I never watched the original either.

Blake Lively, Gossip GirlI know this show is a guilty pleasure, just not for me (sorry, Heather).

Billie Piper, Dr. WhoEvery time I happen on this show I feel two distinct things: 1) Lost and 2) Like if I wasn’t lost I’d really be enjoying myself.

Katie McGrath, MerlinSyFy had a marathon over the weekend. I had to stop to see why Rachel Weisz’s doppelganger/younger sister was running around with knights and wizards.

Stana Katic, CastleReally, I should watch just to support Captain Tight Pants. I’m a bad Whedonite.

Toni Collette, United State of TaraI have shamefully never watched. But I have the entire second season sitting on my desk. So, you know, that’s going to change.

p.s. No, really, the second season. It's a screener. Jealous?

What’s new, pussycat?

Well, file this under the category of “Things That Are Obvious.” I never noticed how many photographers thought it a genius idea to pose beautiful women with big cats – real or otherwise. I’ll give you a split-second to realize why. Big cats, large kitties, enormous puss… Yeah, now you’ve got it. Subtlety is, indeed, for pussies. Though, if taken to its ultimate and inevitable conclusion, all these photos could also be considered a metaphor for gay women. No, not for that reason. Get your heads out of the gutter, people. Instead it’s because we can identify. I mean, we are the original crazy cat ladies. Here kitty, kitty, indeed.

Christina AguileraChrist, it’s even pink.

Alicia SilverstoneI hate it when I wear the same thing to the photoshoot as the leopard.

Lily AllenJazz paws!

Chloe SevignyThe real Pussycat Doll.

And just in case you dog lovers were feeling left out, these are for you. At this point, the giving a dog a bone jokes just write themselves.

Kylie MinoguePlease, God, let this just be an post-Frisbee cigarette.

Julianne MooreNever mind the LOLcats, give this dog a cheezburger.

p.s. I’m just going to let this one speak for itself. I don’t even want to imagine what they’re a euphemism for.

Naked Lady Monday

The other day while scanning my site stats (I am huge in Luxembourg, HUGE) I checked to see the latest, hilarious search terms people were Googling to land here (“Hillary Clinton femslash” is my all-time personal favorite). That day I found someone who happened upon the site while searching “classy nude lady.” So today, as a public service, let me unequivocally say: “Internets, I've got your classy nude ladies right here!” Ahem. Also, to the person who arrived by asking “how do I know if my yogurt is bad,” my advice would be to smell it. Please, world, no need to thank me. I'm just happy to help.

Mariska HargitayAnnie LennoxMary-Louise ParkerSandra OhChloe SevignyElizabeth PerkinsNaomi WattsGina GershonGabrielle Union