My New Year's Crush

We made it. We made it to 2021. Does changing the year on the calendar fix anything automatically? Duh, of course not. But the symbolism (and, you know, reality) of the year we all just lived through cannot be lost on us. We lived through some fucking trauma. And more than 330,000 did not make it to this moment. So please time to enjoy this day, and all those to come. If you haven’t had a chance to see “Ammonite” yet, I still believe it’s worth it. For all its intentionally grim silences, there was still beauty amid its gray, hard stone surface. Today, float like Kate Winslet and Saoirse Ronan through this ocean of a world. Claim your joy this year, you’ve earned it. Happy weekend and 2021, all.

Review: Ammonite

Let me just put it all out there: “Ammonite” is the lesbian prestige period piece that FUCKS.

The film starring Kate Winslet and Saoirse Ronan is ostensibly a semi-historical romance set in 1840s England about two women who fall in love while searching for fossils along the unforgiving southern seashore. Yes, it’s “Portrait of a Lady with Fossils” mixed with “Carol for Rocks,” sorta.

Indeed, “Ammonite” is about stones. Stones in the literal sense that they unearth bearing the shape of creatures long lost to time, and the stones we can fill our hearts with or that can stubbornly block us from our true passions.

While “Ammonite” may have much in common with our recent slate of lesbian and queer-themed films about women (often period pieces, often filled with long scenes of moody gazing), the movie’s male writer-director has decided gritty and unrelenting realism was his best chance at standing out.

So the second thing you should know about “Ammonite” is that the tone remains resolutely grim through much of the picture. Like, I’m not sure if Kate cracks more than three smiles as stoic and steadfast paleontologist Mary Anning. Her real-life character was a famed fossil hunter. In the film, she is apparently past her major discoveries prime and now sells what she finds as trinkets for tourists in her coastal town.

She meets Saoirse’s Charlotte (whose husband has dumped her with Mary because of some kind of diagnosed hysterical rich lady problems, but what I believe is an undiagnosed case of post-partum depression and unrealized lesbianism) who reluctantly comes to walk the rocky beaches with her in search of even more rocks.

Now, you’d think long walks on the beach would be the perfect setting for romance. I mean, the waves crashing! The dresses billowing in the wind! But, “Ammonite” telegraphs its serious intentions by focusing on the harshness instead of the beauty. Shit is dour, man. Stuff is grimy. Life is drab. Also, the second you see a boiled egg being cracked open look away for a bit. Trust me, it’s not pretty and that’s the point.

But, and here’s the biggest “but” perhaps ever, all this grim and grimy determination is interspersed with moments of almost spastic yet entirely believable desire. You know that sex scene everyone is talking about? Believe me, you won’t miss it. I can honestly say it’s like nothing I’ve ever seen in mainstream lesbian movies, especially mainstream lesbian movies brimming with A-list stars. And unlike some of those other much-talked-about lesbian sex scenes of late (“Blue is the Warmest Color” and “Disobedience” come to mind), this one totally passes the Lesbo Street Cred test – if you know what I mean.

Also, it’s not unhot.

[SPOILERS FOLLOW, COME BACK AFTER THE NEXT ALL-CAPS, BOLDED BRACKET]

Right, so that scene? Well, OK, I’m just going to say it. Saoirse Ronan sits on Kate Winslet’s face. Yes, you read that correctly. If you’ve ever wanted to see an Academy Award-nominated actress climb onto an Academy Award-winning actress’s face like a little spider monkey and then proceed to ride it to nirvana, this is the movie for you. And, you know what, I ain’t mad about it. Not one little bit. I may have rewatched it, um, for scientific arts criticism purposes. What? I’m only human, OK?

[SPOILERS OVER, YOU CAN COME BACK NOW]

The film also features what may be the earliest historical presentation of lesbian U-Hauling I’ve ever seen. For those still harboring a crush on Kate since her “Titanic” days, it will come full circle as she draws another woman like one of her French girls. Saoirse and Kate squeeze as much chemistry as they can in brief, meaningful glances over cold, dispassionate rocks.

“Ammonite” is a very good film, if not a particularly joyful one. Most of its festive moments (not to mention most colorful ones, in the figurative and literal senses) involve brief encounters with Mary’s upper-crust ex, as played by the always magnificent Fiona Shaw. Otherwise, it seems like the movie goes out of its way to make Kate look as unglamorous as possible – which is fine. Not everyone is Carol Aird. But, we get it, she’s working class and work is hard – especially for women working in a man’s world.

I’ve sometimes grumbled about the trend of lesbian prestige period pieces. Sure, lesbians lived in the past when things were tougher and society was different and that’s interesting. But how about we tell some contemporary lesbian stories up in here for a change? We still exist today, you know. (Another reason “Happiest Season” is so damn refreshing in its conventional contemporary appeal.)

In a perfect world we’d have a little of everything. The grim period pieces. The sweeping romances. The cheesy rom-coms. We would have diverse choices. We could choose to be picky about genre. You know, like straight folks get to be every day when they choose between the endless options of entertainment in television, film, music and more created precisely for them and their sexual orientation.

But we’re not in a perfect world, yet – clearly. So we take what we can get and we’re happy it’s taken if nothing else seriously. “Ammonite” is definitely worth seeing, it’s a solidly crafted and at times emotionally aflame story of finding love in a hopeless place. And, we’ll always have that scene. That alone might be enough to rock our worlds, so to speak.

”Ammonite” debuts on Video-on-Demand tomorrow, Dec. 4

My Weekend Crush

Yes, let’s get all the jokes out now. “Portrait of a Lady with Fossils.” “Carol for Rocks.” “The Paleontology Word.” The trailer for “Ammonite,” Kate Winslet and Saoirse Ronan’s lesbian fossil hunter period romance, is finally upon us and it looks scrumptious but also, um, a tad familiar. Women in frocks. Waves crashing. Bodicies tightening. Unspoken yearning. Women longing for other women while staring sadly into the sea sounds like one of those overly specific genre categories that pops up randomly on Netflix.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, “Ammonite” the movie features intimate sex scenes between Kate and Saoirse including one that “it makes the 2015 lesbian love drama Carol, an awards contender starring Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara, seem tame.” I mean, they were relatively tame, if you think about it. Kate, who plays real-life fossil hunter Mary Anning, said of the “explicit” scene: 

“Saoirse and I choreographed the scene ourselves. It’s definitely not like eating a sandwich. I just think Saoirse and I, we just felt really safe. Francis was naturally very nervous. And I just said to him, ‘Listen, let us work it out.’ And we did. ‘We’ll start here. We’ll do this with the kissing, boobs, you go down there, then you do this, then you climb up here.’ I mean, we marked out the beats of the scene so that we were anchored in something that just supported the narrative. I felt the proudest I’ve ever felt doing a love scene on Ammonite. And I felt by far the least self-conscious.” 

So there you have it, lesbian sex is definitely not like eating a sandwich. Unless, well, you use a lot of tongue when you eat a sandwich. Ahem.

I am, as always, excited to see another prestige lesbian drama. Kate has always been a favorite actress of mine, and Saoirse is extremely talented as well. May the story take them somewhere new and interesting (i.e. not in morose queer lady tears, ‘cause we’ve all seen that movie too many times already). I mean, some people in history had to have happy endings, right? Let us hope. Happy safe, healthy and righteous weekend, all.

SGALGG/GGALGG: Oscars Edition

Told ya it was coming. So outside of Janelle Monae representing for queer black artists to start the shows, the Oscars were a pretty straight affair. At least, what we saw on television was pretty straight. As we all know, hand out a few shiny trophies and let the champagne flow and suddenly Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals are everywhere – or at least everywhere in the eye of the beholder. But, as has been a welcome trend these last few years, there also actual Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Queer women came out in their finest this Oscar season. So it appears even lesbians and bisexual women are attracted to golden naked men. Who knew.

Brie Larson, Sigourney Weaver & Gal Gadot

I’m not really a threesome person, but YES PLEASE LET ME WATCH.

Laura Dern & Renee Zellweger

Bridget Jones’s Later-in-Life Lesbianism

Scarlett Johansson & Florence Pugh

It’s so unfair they’ve cast Florence Pugh and Rachel Weisz in the new “Black Widow” movie, because now I have to see it.

Geena Davis & Sandra Oh

No, they’re not doing anything particularly gay. But they’re Geena Davis and Sandra Oh standing together in beautiful dresses. So, duh, gay interest.

Natalie Portman

No, Natalie isn’t doing anything particularly gay. But she has the names of all the female directors snubbed this year for the Oscars embroidered on her coat hem in a sign of feminist solidarity and as we all know any feminism worth a damn is intersectional which means it would include the concerns of POC and the LGBTQ community. So, duh, gay interest.

Regina King

No, Regina isn’t doing anything particularly gay. But have you seen her arms and that dress? So, duh, gay interest.

Salma Hayek & Penelope Cruz

I’ve had dreams that started like this, Part I.

Margot Robbie & Charlize Theron

The strong top energy coming off Charlize as she watches over Margot reading her program is palpable.

Jessica Alba & Sofía Vergara

I’ve had dreams that started like this, Part II.

Greta Gerwig & Saoirse Ronan

I’m usually not cool with maestros getting handsy with their ingénue’s, but you know what? I’ll allow it.

Jane Fonda & Olivia Colman

Women of a certain age can totally get it.

GGALGG: Oscars Edition

Janelle Monae & Billy Porter

It’s like we’re witnessing the coolest wizard convention in the universe.

Beanie Feldstein & Kaitlyn Dever

Out queer actress who played straight with her straight actress friend who played gay.

Janet Mock, Lena Waithe & Rashida Jones

Proof that LGBTQ people totally still like straight people.

Maria Bello & Dominique Crenn

Mazel tov to the newly engaged couple!

Tessa Thompson & Amandla Stenberg

Just two incredibly talented, out, black queer actresses dancing at an Oscars party in the year 2020. Sometimes, it’s almost like we are living in the future.

That Rocks

Looks like we’re gonna see Kate Winslet and Saoirse Ronan’s Victorian-era fossil hunting lesbian love story (wow, say that three times fast) in the relatively near future. U.S. indie distributor Neon has picked up the period piece, about real-life paleontologist/fossil hunter Mary Anning and a young woman she meets (played by Saoirse) along the English seaside.

According to Deadline, the film is:

“...set in 1800s England, as acclaimed but unrecognized fossil hunter Mary Anning (Winslet) works alone on the rugged Southern coastline. With the days of her famed discoveries behind her, she now searches for common fossils to sell to tourists to support herself and her ailing mother. When a wealthy visitor entrusts Mary with the care of his wife Charlotte (Ronan), she cannot afford to turn his offer down. Proud and relentlessly passionate about her work, Mary initially clashes with her unwelcome guest, but despite the distance between their social class and personalities, an intense bond begins to develop, compelling the two women to determine the true nature of their relationship.”

According to my eyes, the “nature of their relationship” involved the time-tested lesbian stockphoto tradition of touching foreheads lovingly. And, hopefully, smoochies. So many smoochies.

Now, I know - this is another May-December (or at very least May-late October) lesbian relationship movie. But, hey, it worked for “Carol.”

But it’s not the 19-year age difference between between the actresses that has raised some eyebrows as much as the protestations of a distant relatives of Anning’s that she was totally not The Gay. What we do know is she was born the daughter of a poor cabinetmaker and did not receive much of a formal education or credit - at least at the time - for her contributions to the field of paleontology and the ancient sea monsters she unearthed. She never married and never had children, dying at the age of 47.



Director Francis Lee has defended his interpretation of her life in the film saying, in part:

“After seeing queer history be routinely ‘straightened’ throughout culture, and given a historical figure where there is no evidence whatsoever of a heterosexual relationship, is it not permissible to view that person within another context?...Would these newspaper writers have felt the need to whip up uninformed quotes from self-proclaimed experts if the character’s sexuality had been assumed to be heterosexual?”

I mean, good points. The thing about history is is matters who gets to tell it, it matters so much. I have no idea if Mary Anning was queer or not, but it doesn’t seem too much of a stretch to imagine that she was.

So I can’t wait to see “Ammonite,” which appears to be headed for an award season release by Neon. It’s the same film company behind last year’s sumptuous lesbian love story “Portrait of a Lady on Fire.” So, if it’s anywhere near that quality I’d say we’re in for a treat. And Kate’ butch Victorian look is quite something. Maybe her and Gentleman Jack can become poker buddies, is all I’m saying.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Female Excellence Edition

A new year is a new chance to shine light on deserving women. So let’s start off 2020 with a by no means comprehensive list of excellent women whose excellence I would like to see a lot more of on the large and small screen – and really all over – this year. Now wouldn't that be most excellent? And, if I may, a gentle plea to put them on the screen wearing suits. Just saying, they all know how excellent they look wearing them.

Saoirse Ronan

She was excellent as Jo in “Little Women,” but then she is excellent in everything.

Awkwafina

She was excellent in “The Farewell,” and I am soooo looking forward to “Nora from Queens.”

Kristin Scott Thomas

She was excellent as a lesbian in “Fleabag,” and we should see her as a lesbian in more things.

Brandi Carlile

She is excellent each time she opens her mouth, and here’s hoping I get to see her do it again live this year.

Janelle Monae

She was excellent with Tessa Thompson, and here’s hoping they can be excellent some more together in the new year.

Lena Headey

She is so much more excellent than Cersei Lannister, and she deserves a better on-screen fate in 2020.

Tatiana Maslany

She is excellence personified and WHY HASN’T ANYONE CAST HER AS THE STAR OF THEIR SHOW YET?

Jameela Jamil

She is so excellent on “The Good Place,” and if she isn’t snapped up immediately for some wonderfully comedic starring role everyone in forking stupid. But then, look who our president is.

Katie McGrath

Yeah I know she’s still making excellent flirt eyes at Supergirl, but wouldn’t it be so excellent if she also got to make flirt eyes at a lady who is unquestionably lesbian in another unquestionably lesbian role? Just a thought.

Ellen Page

So “The Umbrella Academy” wasn’t as excellent as I’d hoped, but there is always hope for Season 2 and her excellently creepy new white eyes.

Lupita Nyong'o & Danai Gurira

They’re were excellent in “Black Panther,” now make a superhero movie about them where they’re a couple. Look, as long as we’re wishing for excellent things.

Tina Fey

My most excellent Fake TV/Movie Wife will always make any list about excellence. Period.

Cate Blanchett

Look, I’ve had the most excellent idea. “Carol 2.” Everything gets revived these days, why not the greatest lesbian movie of the last decade? As I was saying, excellent idea.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Co-Stars Edition

Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? How about a bunch of beautiful women in suits? I know, I know. I shouldn’t have. But what can I say, I’m a giver.

Now, admittedly, sometimes I struggle for a theme when it comes to Gender Fuck Thursday because how many ways can you say, “Hey, this is hot.” But thirst traps gotta thirst trap. So this holiday movie season let’s celebrate the women starring on the big screen who decided to suit up on the red carpet or elsewhere while promoting their new films. But more than just that, it’s multiple actresses, from the same movie, trying to out suit each other. In short, it’s a glorious gift of co-stars suiting-off. And I hope may many, many more actresses follow suit, so to speak.

Ella Balinska & Naomi Scott, Charlie’s Angels

The first photo looks pre-prom, this second one after prom. Way after.

Kristen Stewart, Charlie’s Angels

Not to be outdone, K-Stew keeps it casual instead.

Saoirse Ronan & Emma Watson, Little Women

Saoirse looks like a fancy old-timey street urchin, whereas Emma just looks fancy.

Evan Rachel Wood & Kristen Bell, Frozen 2

See, now this, this is why they should have made someone in “Frozen 2” a lesbian.

Nicole Kidman,Margot Robbie&Charlize Theron, Bombshell

This almost makes me want to watch Fox News. Kidding, kidding. But I will watch Nicole, Margot and Charlize pretend to work for Fox News. Probably. My point is, I really hate Fox News.

p.s. I am pretty sure Nicole and Charlize showing up at the "Bombshell" premiere like this means they are dating.

Not So Little Women

Well, not that the Emmys are over and it is officially October, seems like Oscar season should be afoot. And for what seems like forever now “Little Women” and “Pride & Prejudice” have been locked in a death match for screen adaptation supremacy. While Jane Austen’s novel has about 55 years and a different continent on “Little Women,” Louisa May Alcott’s distinctly American tome remains universally beloved for daring to say women have minds and souls as well as hearts. So then how could I resist when yet another adaptation with yet another all-star cast comes rolling along.

“Ladybird” writer-director Greta Gerwig brings the March women to vibrant life with a cast that includes Saoirse Ronan (Jo), Emma Watson (Meg), Laura Dern (Marmee) and Meryl freaking Streep (Aunt March). Also Timothée Chalamet plays ultimate literary fuckboy Laurie which is perhaps the most perfect casting in an already perfectly cast film. Even without the strong feminist undertones (but, obviously, I love and cherish any and all strong feminist understones), I would watch this film for Saoirse in an assortment of vests, blazers, cravats and bowler hats alone. Her exasperated eyerolls at The Patriarchy, well, that’s just the feminist cherry on top.



p.s. This also means I’ll never have to watch Susan Sarandon’s 1994 version ever again. Which considering she’s up to her old “A Woman, Just Not That Woman” shenanigans again is a very, very good thing.

20LezTeen

How do I know 2019 is going to be a good and gay year at the movies? Mainstream Hollywood is giving us Bisexuals in Black, Terminator: San Junipero and Captain Marvel-ous, but there will be at least two lesbian movies featuring high-profile casts. Late last year it was announced that Kristen Stewart was in talks to star in a Clea DuVall-penned lesbian holiday rom-com AND that Kate Winslet and Saoirse Ronan are set to star in a lesbian period piece. Sure, it’s not quite 2018’s Carol Effect wave of movies just yet. But it is a super gay start.

A little more on both projects.

K-Stew’s “Happiest Season” was written and directed by Clea (who co-wrote the script with writing partner Mary Holland). Per its synopsis, Kristen would play a “young woman whose plan to propose to her girlfriend while at her family’s annual holiday party is upended when she discovers her partner hasn’t yet come out to her conservative parents.” K-Stew starring in a contemporary, heartwarming holiday-themed lesbian rom-com? We truly are living in the future.

Kate and Saoirse’s “Ammonite” is set in seaside 1840s England. Kate plays real-life pioneering paleontologist Mary Anning who meets a young, wealthy London woman who is sent to the coast for her “health.”

Butter that popcorn, kittens. It’s gonna be a super gay ride.