SGALGG: Wannabe Queer Oscars 2022 Edition

So, fine, some straight people showed up at the Academy Awards, too. I guess. And they were perfectly lovely, for the most part. But, as always, how those Straight Gals love to act like Gay Gals when the fancy dresses (and suits) go on. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And, yes, a few Queer Gals also slip back into this post. But, then, anyone who has ever been to a college party knows Straight Gals can flock to Gay Gals like moths to a flame when the mood strikes. Or so I’ve heard.

And, to be honest, who isn’t happy to see Sarah, Jean and Judith all together again? On y va!

Judith Smart & Judith Light

See, hanging out with Sara has made them want to SGALGG by themselves.

Rosario Dawson & Amu Schumer

Love means always having to share your jalapeno poppers.

Marlee Matlin & Penelope Cruz

Marlee’s clearly saying, “Don’t worry, Penelope. I was on The L Word, I know what to do.”

Billie Eilish & Megan Thee Stallion

Look, people will try to lick you if you wear a dress made out of Reese’s peanut butter cup wrappers.

Zendaya

I don’t even understand the physics of how she can look like this in that suit. But I kind of hope this signals the return of big shouldered 80s broads – in attitude if nothing else.

Nicole Kidman & Jessica Chastain

Getting a little handsy there, Nicole.

Nicole & Zoe Kravitz

Am I sensing a theme with Nic?

Nicole & Ariana DeBose

Theme confirmed.

Now, this part I call, Everybody Loves Ariana (Unlike Chris, ahem)

Ariana & Kirsten Dunst

It’s the intense hand-holding for me.

Ariana & Jessie Buckley

Using that fellow nominee status to sneak in a long embrace, I see.

Ariana & H.E.R.

Now, that would be a ridiculously talented couple.

Ariana & Rita Moreno

I mean, who am I to judge that May-December love?

SGALGG: Oscars Edition

Well, I’ll tell you one thing – this year’s Oscars were definitely different. I actually didn’t mind the wildly underproduced and at times awkwardly intimate staging of this year’s Academy Awards. At least for a while I didn’t mind it. I enjoyed the more organic and often heartfelt results through the first part of the broadcast. The Oscars are typically such a polished affair, making them decidedly different just felt right in this decidedly different ongoing pandemic year. I actually abhor the tendency of Hollywood and other institutions to pretend things aren’t different and project total normalcy. But, hello, shit isn’t normal. So the Oscars shouldn’t be normal either.

But, and yes sadly there’s a but (but not Da Butt, which is awesome and we shall discuss later), it didn’t work the whole way through. The trivia tidbit introductions for nominees worked the first few times, but then it just dragged. Having presenters tell, instead of show, when discussing everything from costume design to visual effects was, well, dumb. And the ceremony’s aversion to clips seemed almost pathological. Like, the producers understand that the Academy Awards are basically an advertisement for Hollywood and the nominated films, right? So you should, I dunno, maybe show people even a little bit of these movies and these performances? Call me crazy, but the magic of Hollywood is in its moving pictures. So, you know, show us the moving pictures. Oh, and that In Memoriam fast-forward segment was shameful, simply shameful (as was leaving off Naya Rivera and Jessica Walter, SHAME.)

Still, there were enough unexpected moments and enough deserving winners to make it a pretty interesting night, if nothing else. Sure, we all knew Chadwick Boseman should have won (and, boy, did the producers gamble that he was going to win by moving his category to the last award failed spectacularly – talk about your sad trombone ending). But we also got the first woman of color to win Best Director (not to mention the first woman to win Best Director for directing a movie about a woman). And, well, Glenn Close did “Da Butt.” So, it wasn’t all bad.

Granted, there wasn’t a ton of SGALGG which given we’re still in a global pandemic is fine by me. But there was some. And, unlike the Oscar telecast producers, I will show and not just tell you about it.

Regina King & Andra Day

I could have watched Regina King just walk to start the Oscars for two hours. If Andra walked with her, three hours.

Angela Bassett & Viola Davis

Pandemic-approved SGALGGing because something tells me both women also have hand sanitzer in their bags.

Speaking of Viola, did you see her MIME TAKING A SHOT?

Someone give Viola Davis an Oscar just for this performance of her pretending to take a shot https://t.co/aXVTwTSRna #Oscars pic.twitter.com/NJdHuQJxkF

— Variety (@Variety) April 25, 2021

Tiara Thomas & H.E.R.

These women are both half way to an EGOT, which feels like a good reason to kiss. I’m saying I’d like to see them kiss. Sorry if I was being unclear.

Mia Neal & Jamika Wilson

The first black women to win Oscars for Makeup & Hairstyling are included here because a) that is an awesome and long overdue accomplishment, and b) anyone who wears that dress collar with those arms is at least honorary family. (Yes, I did crop out the white dude.)

Chloe Zhao

I can’t wait to see what she does with the new Marvels superhero tentpole “The Eternals.” Also, she wore sneakers to the Oscars. So championing comfortable footwear is obviously lesbian culture.

Emerald Fennell & Carey Mulligan

Look, I know they’re not doing anything particularly gay. But they are wearing their masks indoors amid a crowd of people not from their own households. Which is both smart and safe. So, maybe they are doing something particularly gay?

Marlee Matlin

Could you imagine if Marlee brought back Jodie Lerner for “The L Word: Generation Q” and they had her appear on a tractor to make Tibette fandom’s head explode all over again?

Jan Pascale

I believe Jan Pascale, who took home the trophy for Best Production Design for “Mank,” was the night’s only out queer female winner. Also that sound you heard during the telecast was every queer lady screaming “My wife Louise!” at their TVs during her acceptance speech.

Frances McDormand & Youn Yuh-jung

Could you imagine them in a buddy road trip movie, like “Thelma & Louise” but without the “Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid” ending. And, of course, make it gay. Also, Memo to Award Show Producers: Have these ladies give all the acceptance speeches.

Glenn Close

You didn’t think I forgot about Da Butt, did you? The award for the night’s best sport clearly went to Glenn Close who while she still does not have an Oscar, has an honorary Oscar in all of our heart for shaking her butt gamely to “Da Butt.”

Girls do make passes at girls who wear glasses

So, I still can’t stop thinking about those smart girls. If there is one accessory that almost automatically adds points to a woman’s IQ, it’s a nice pair of glasses. Give a gal with glasses a book (particularly a book about kissing, like Mia Kirshner above) and be still my big nerdy heart. Now, as some of you might remember, I’m a glasses wearer. I wear contacts most of the time, but I’ve always got my specs on in the evening to write and watch TV and hang about the house. As a kid, I wore glasses full-time – big clunky things that for some incomprehensible reason covered more of my cheeks than my actual eyes. Seriously, were we trying to look through some heretofore unknown fourth eye with those enormous hubcap lenses in the 80s? Back then they used to say “Guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.” But that was before the whole sexy librarian thing really took off. And now, well, I still can’t speak for the guys, but this gal sure likes making passes at girls who wear glasses. In particular, these gals. No need to take your glasses off and shake out your hair, ladies. I mean, feel free to shake out your hair, but definitely keep the glasses on while you do it. Here’s looking at you, four eyes.

Mary-Louise ParkerBig brown eyes behind big brown frames make my knees weak, instantly.

Cate BlanchettBlue eyes behind blue frames ain’t half bad either.

Shirley MansonOf course, gingers can wear whatever color frames they want.

Angelina JolieAnd then sometimes you don’t need any color at all, just the world’s most expertly arched eyebrow.

Anna TorvEverything in this picture works for me. Glasses. V-neck. Ponytail. Laptop. Books. Heck, I even like the lamp.

Padma LakshmiEverything in this picture works for me, too. Plus, I know Padma could cook me an amazing dinner afterwards. And then we’d talk shit about Tom Colicchio.

Sarah ShahiNow that’s what I call a nice pair – of glasses.

Helena Bonham CarterThis whole ensemble is crazy. But crazy good, not crazy Bellatrix Lestrange.

Rachel MaddowOh, to have her look over her Clark Kent glasses and talk dirty, dirty politics to me.

Tina FeyOh, please, like I wasn’t going to include her.

Marlee Matlin & Jennifer BealsThis is them, the insane hubcap-sized glasses we used to wear in the 80s. Of course, they look fine on Marlee and Jennifer. Whatever, I’m not jealous. Though, we probably shouldn’t talk about the hair.

Oh, and one other sexy thing about glasses? When things get steamy, so do they.

My Weekend Crush

Back when I first saw Marlee Matlin in “Children of a Lesser God,” I remember being impressed. How could you not be? In her film debut she pretty much blew the doors off in a raw yet vulnerable performance that earned her an Oscar at the age of only 21. Through the years she has worked steadily. She had her own TV series for two seasons, “Reasonable Doubts,” and regular roles on “Picket Fences,” “The West Wing” and – of course – “The L Word.” While at times Jodi Lerner was a difficult character to like (like all of the sixth season), Marlee is immediately likable. Energetic, passionate and resolute, she has a positive outlook that can be infectious. Marlee reminds us that our limitations are not our limits. Yes, a deaf actress can go on “Dancing with the Stars” and not just do well, but be impressive. Marlee also continues to champion causes she believes in from The Children Affected by Aids Foundation to Red Cross (which she has been promoting heavily along with other relief efforts for Haiti on her Twitter feed). All that and she got to make out with Jennifer Beals. Like I was saying, impressive. Happy weekend, all.

L Word redux

Now that a month and a half has passed since The L Word season ended, I feel I can finally look back at it without feeling abject horror/extreme sleepiness. It’s not that I thought the season was a horror, per se, but it’s just those goddamn Pre-Ls are a fucking pain in the ass to write. Seriously, after the season ended I was feeling a little posts-traumatic stress disorder (get it, posts…I know, ugh). My malaise could only be cured by prolonged vegging out in front of the television while I fought the urge to a) take notes and b) make screencaps. But now, after arduous rehabilitation and a CSI marathon, I feel I can begin to post again about the Ladies of The L.

So here goes. I’m going to ease back in nice and slowly with some pictures of what the ladies have been up to since the season finale. However, if I start having flashbacks, please put me in a dark, padded room for my own protection.

Jennifer Beals and Laurel Holloman at the GLAAD Media Awards.I swear, if those two get any hotter it will be illegal in three states. A few of you wrote in consternation over Laurel’s loose-waisted shift dress. Could this mean Tibette will be expecting next season? Well, since Laurel and her husband just adopted a baby girl, I’m going to go out on a limb and say no. Sometimes a shift dress is just a shift dress.

Marlee Matlin at a Dancing With The Stars party.Is it me or is Marlee relapsing into her L-ways with that hug? It’s a little, um, close.

Rachel Shelley on the cover of Diva magazine.Holy fucking hell. That is all.

Rose Rollins on the cover of Curve magazine.Holy fucking hell, those arms. That is all.

OK, now I think I can transition into video. Interestingly, all the women are guest starring on CBS shows. And CBS owns Showtime. Nah, there can’t be a connection.

Erin Daniels on CSI: NY.

I watched this live and was pleasantly surprised when Dana Erin popped on screen. I love that she’s all tough and kinda bitchy. And the pantsuits. Yum.

Kate Moennig on CSI: Miami.

Jet skits, lime-green bikinis, murder. Shane, girl, you’ve changed.

Rachel Shelley on Ghost Whisperer.

I’ve only watched this show once and was distracted from the story by Jennifer Love Hewitt’s cleavage. I think that might have been the point. Part II is here, by the way.

And now, I think I can deliver the coup de grace. Seriously, get comfortable and find your happy place.Jennifer Beals (with an assist from Alexandra Hedison, Ilene Chaiken and Daniela Sea) at the V to the Tenth Vagina Monologues celebration in New Orleans.

I could kill for clearer video. And also for Jennifer’s boots. She’s wearing fishnets, by the way.

Doctor, I’m cured. Is it January yet?

Oscar’s ladies

It only took them 80 years, but the Academy finally gave an Oscars to a woman with a pin-up girl tattoo. Fuck, yeah! the 80th annual Oscars telecast was filled with many worthy winners, a few surprises and countless pretty ladies, painted and otherwise. Overall, I was rather pleased with this year’s crop of honorees. Sure, I was pulling for a big “Juno”-shaped upset. But in the acting categories I couldn’t fault any of the winners. All of their performances were mesmerizing. While I was rooting for Julie Christie, Marion Cotillard made me fall in love with her all over again with her effervescent acceptance speech. And who knew that besides being an arresting-looking woman and having an incredibly eclectic taste in films, Tilda Swinton had such a dry and delicious sense of humor?

Look for my complete breakdown of this year’s ceremony -- complete with tons of pretty, pretty pictures -- over at AfterEllen today. But for now, how about we just revel in the night’s Wishful Lesbian Thinking moments? Sadly, there weren’t too many actual lesbian moments. Though (straight) filmmakers Cynthia Wade and Vanessa Roth did win Best Short Documentary for “Freeheld” about a lesbian couple’s fight to win survivorship benefits.

Sarah Polley & Julie ChristieLe sigh.

Penelope Cruz & Cate BlanchettOh, to be a fly on that wall.

Helen MirrenLeave it to that Dame to find a stripper pole on the red carpet.

Marlee MatlinHey, where’s Bette?

Ellen & PortiaFinally, a couple we don’t have to be “wishful” about.

Click on over to AfterEllen later today for more Oscary goodness.