Movie Review: The Old Guard 2

I really, really wanted to love “The Old Guard 2.” Same cast, same mission – and now with added Uma! What’s not to like? Plus, hello, the payoff of Andy and Quỳnh reuniting after 500 years was gonna be epic, right? Well. Alas, the sequel lacks the kinetic elegance and narrative panache of the first film, due in no small part to the absence of original director Gina Prince-Bythewood.

This time around, Andy and Co. are battling The First Immortal, Discord – played by Uma Thurman. Discord, as her name suggests is generally bad news. I mean she’s an arms dealer so that tracks. The second film plays a little faster and looser with our immortal heroes’ immortality – they seem to heal much faster than they did in the first one. And some other parts of their mythology felt forced this time out. It also shamelessly underuses KiKi Layne as Nile, who learns from Discord that she is the last Immortal.

But my biggest beef with the sequel is how it still triptoes around Andy and Quỳnh’s romantic past. Sure, we can infer they were more than just besties who kicked ass together. Or, you know, “roommates.” Yet they continue to deny us any glimmer of their sapphic past together. And, SPOILER ALERT, Charlize and Veronica Ngô don’t even kiss once. For a film series that has so lovingly has depicted – and shown – the love between Joe and Nicky, two gay men who have loved and fought side-by-side for centuries, to refuse to show us the same with Andy and Quỳnh seems incongruous to say the least. I mean, look, I get it. Girlfriend is PISSED that Andy didn’t keep looking for her. And 500 years is a long time to process your relationship during watery torture. But, still – flashbacks exist, people.

I’m still glad I watched and, SPOILERS AGAIN, there is hope that the third film might finally give us the Andy/Quỳnh goodness we deserve. I mean, was this whole film just a long lesbian makeup session? We can only hope. At least Charlize kept swinging that labrys the whole movie. And she manages to make that mullet look, well, I mean, she’s still Charlize Theron after all.

The Bride v. Furiosa

Look, I could make a Letterman-style “Uma, Charlize. Charlize, Uma.”-joke here. But that would age us all, and also I’d rather say, holyfuckingshitballs, The Bride fights Furiosa! If you thought I was hyped about “The Old Guard 2” before, goodness I plan to be insufferable until July. I even forgive them for giving Andy that wolf cut. Because the showdown of Charlize Theron v. Uma Thurman is so irresistible. So magnetic. So righteously kickass that I’m not even gonna be mad if they don’t kiss. (But, of course, all things being equal I would rather they did. Ahem.) Also, I think Andy might have her hands full with the return of Quynh. Something tells me her ex might be harboring a grudge, what with being trapped at the bottom of the sea for centuries and all. You know, typical lesbian drama.

Tank Top Tuesday: New Old Guard Edition

I…I don’t know how I feel about this development. On the one hand, I’m thrilled, THRILLED, that they are shooting the sequel to “The Old Guard.” On the other hand, I’m less thrilled, less, that they’ve done this to Charlize Theron/Andy/Andromache of Scythia’s hair while shooting the sequel to “The Old Guard.”

Sure, it’s giving me some serious late 2000s Tegan & Sara vibes. And if there’s anyone who could pull off a fashion mullet, it’s certainly Charlize. Now, I do appreciate the vest and reassurance that Andy’s commitment to tank tops (and those Wayfarers) remains unwavering. And suits, well, suits are new. And I will always appreciate suits.

But the hair? Sigh. We will just have to grit out teeth and trust the process.

Also helping me get over the hair? Uma freaking Thurman. Uma’s presence in the sequel was only just revealed, as were images of her on set tussling with Charlize. The Bride from Kill Bill going after the immortal from The Old Guard? Yes, I would like to see it. Yes.

Fine, maybe I forgive the hair. No, not really. I remain salty.

Tank Top Tuesday: Old Guard Edition II

What? Just because I already posted about how much I loved “The Old Guard,” does not mean I can’t continue to post about how much I loved “The Old Guard.” Like, I really, really loved “The Old Guard.” And, also, these tank top (and tank top adjacent) gifs of Charlize Theron and Kiki Layne won’t simply post themselves. But, really, the labrys is what puts it over the top. I mean, ladies, A LABRYS. 

Yeah, I really loved “The Old Guard.” But, I swear, it is not all just for superficial reasons. The franchise has also assembled perhaps the most diverse behind-the-camera team for an action movie ever. So, pretty, smart, and diverse. Like I said, I really loved “The Old Guard.”

p.s. Here is Charlize shaving her head for “Mad Max: Fury Road” in a tank top as a throw back because you’re worth it and you deserve nice things.

In honor of our @CTAOP drive-in screening of #MadMaxFuryRoad tonight, throwing it back to the point of no return with creating Furiosa. A huge thank you to @TheGroveLA and @ChadHudsonEvent for making tonight happen! So excited to see this movie on the big screen again 🚘🍿🎥 pic.twitter.com/tIZzRw64Gv

— Charlize Theron (@CharlizeAfrica) July 31, 2020

Gender Immortal Thursday

Well, now, that got my attention. But then Short-Haired Charlize Theron always gets my attention. And then if you also make her Action Mode Charlize Theron and, well, swoons for days.

I’d never heard of “The Old Guard,” but form the trailer glean that they’re immortals who have learned to be badasses to fight for, hopefully, good. But because the trailer got my attention I did my homework and found out it started as a comic book series by Greg Rucka, who is responsible for both Kate Kane and Renee Montoya being gay in the comics – and now TV/film.

And apparently in the comic three out of the four leads are queer. I know that two of them are a gay male couple. I have no idea who the third is (anyone, anyone? Bueller, Bueller?). But, goodness, so I hope Charlize’s alternative lifestyle haircut makes her our third. Though, I wouldn’t be mad one bit of they made KiKi Layne the third instead. Not one bit.

So, thoughts? Anyone read the comics? I’ll tell you one thing, I could watch Charlize with That Hair and Those Mercenary Skills kick bad guy ass through the centuries for quite some time – possibly even forever.