How To Happy Ending

Yeah, I know, bit of broken record at this point but I’m still pissed about that “Killing Eve” finale. Mostly because it took four seasons of bold, complicated storytelling and reduced it to some sort of extended rebirth metaphor. Of course, that’s what I’ve been watching my favorite queer women assassins spy drama for all these years — a morality play.

While I understand that creators do not have a responsibility past telling good stories, and should certainly not be beholden to the whims of fandom, But just because they can do something, doesn’t always mean they should. And for a show with such a dedicated/obsessive (and I say that with love) fanbase of queer women, greater care should have certainly been taken in handling such an iconic queer character’s ending. Honestly, this show could have become legend had it allowed even the faintest sliver of a happy ending for Eve and Villanelle. Instead, this TV series written exclusively about PEOPLE WHO KILL PEOPLE FOR A LIVING decided to moralize at the bitter end. OK, sure, Jan.

But enough screaming into the void between clueless showrunner ears. How about we celebrate some happy endings instead? If you feel a distinct pang of deja vu, that’s because we did this once before back in 2016 when the Bury Your Gays trope last reared its ugly head in such spectacular fashion courtesy the Clexa debacle. Luckily, we’ve added a few more since then. But just a few.

So, here are a few of my personal favorite happily ever afters for queer women in movies and TV. Obviously there are more (and courtesy The Wayback Machine you can still see them on That Other Website whose name we no longer mention). Here are my Top 10 11 film and Top 5 6 TV happy endings for queer women (what, we’re gays, we always need to be a little extra). Apologies in advance as I have most certainly left off your favs. So, please, tell us your most beloved queer women riding off into that perpetual sunrise together moments. Share more joy, not less, kittens.

MOVIES

1. Desert Hearts (1985)

Kissing through the car window weakened our collective knees, getting on the train took them out.

2. The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls in Love (1995)

To this day, I still want to buy myself a white Range Rover and ride off into the sunset together precisely because of this movie.

3. When Night Is Falling (1995)

You probably didn’t see this indie gem about a Christian college professor and a circus performer. But you should because they even resurrect the dog at the end.

4. Bound (1996)

You can’t beat an ending where the girl gets the girl and the truck.

5. But I’m a Cheerleader (1999)

Happy endings plus pom-poms. Like, straight teen rom-coms could never.

6. Saving Face (2004)

Not enough people have seen this movie and more people should see this movie.

7. Imagine Me & You (2005)

This movie set unrealistic expectations for all future lesbian movie endings.

8. Nina’s Heavenly Delights (2006)

I mean it’s got about a cooking competition and lesbians, I’ll ignore the “Ghost Dad” overtones for that.

9. Carol (2015)

Let’s go to the Oak Room and make eyes at each other forever.

10. Summerland (2020)

The only recent lesbian period piece where the lesbians stare off into the ocean and still get to live happily ever after together.

11. Kajillionaire (2020)

Honestly, I had to include one more because this is such a strange and wonderful film AND it gives us one of the most unexpected and swoony happy queer endings in recent memory.

TELEVISION

1.South of Nowhere (2008): Spencer & Ashley

Oh, Spashley. You always remember your first (queer teen TV show happy ending).

2. Glee (2015): Brittany & Santana

Look, “Glee” did a lot of stupid things. But letting Brittana be endgame was not one of them.

3. Lost Girl (2015): Bo & Lauren

Sacrificing Tamsin was obviously not great. But this show about one woman’s insatiable sexual prowess gave us our Doccubus ending after all.

4. San Junipero (2016)

This “Black Mirror” episode is perhaps the most perfect example of how to subvert the Bury Your Gays trope. I mean, they literally bury their gays, but then still let them live on in endless happiness anyway.

5. Ratched (2020): Mildred & Gwendolyn

This is honestly not a very good show, like at all. But, if you ignore the gore and horror and crippling character inconsistencies, it was rather stylish to look at and is one of the only mainstream female queer romances I can think of where both the leads are played by out queer women as well. Plus they literally escape to sunny, beautiful Mexico together to be gay and free, after first faking us out with an unhappy ending before going, “Not so fast, straights!” L.O.L.

6. Wynonna Earp (2021): Waverly & Nicole

Continuing the Marry Your Gays grand tradition pioneers by Brittana/Klaine, WayHaught’s series trajectory follows what I hope will be the also much emulated Give The Gays Everything They Want trend.

Say it with Snarker

I am not a huge fan of Valentine's Day. In a relationship, out of a relationship, the day has always had an artifice to it that crassly commodified the simple declaration of love. Also, you know, I'm bitter. But beyond the Hallmarkification of the holiday and price gouging of roses, I actually do – deep down – appreciate the sentiment. Love in all its many forms is undeniably grand, even if the before and after can be entirely the opposite. So in honor of florists' Cupid's big day, here are some cards that celebrate queer love, or something like it. Sure, all the smart lesbians are already saying it with Maddow. But, what these lack in hot, nerdy, policy wonkiness they make up for in terrible Photoshopping skills. Send them to someone you love, lust or would just like to see naked this Valentine's Day. [Click any and all to enlarge the snark love]

And, just to show that I have a heart, here is one snark-free offering. Hey, it's not that I've gone soft. It's just that I'm excited about the half-price chocolates come Feb. 15.

Tank Top Tuesday

I believe that children are our future, mostly because Whitney Houston sang it in her pre-Bobby Brown days when you could still trust her. But, seriously, it’s the youth who shall inherit the earth and they might as well wear a tank top because they're inheriting a seriously warming planet. What? I’m just trying to think positive. While some of these ladies are on the outer edge of age-appropriateness for me, I’d hate to be accused of ageism. When it comes to women in tank tops, I am a strict equal opportunity luster. In fact, Special Agent Sarah Walker, err, Yvonne Strahovski above is our oldest tank topper at 26. But don’t worry, Chris Hansen, I checked all their IDs. Everybody’s legal, nobody’s going to jail. Put away the cuffs…or maybe not. Ahem. And with that, I give you Tank Top Tuesday: The Next Generation.

Leighton Meester, 22I don’t watch “Gossip Girl.” Why do I suddenly have the feeling I’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake?

Lindsay Lohan, 22Is it just me, or has she gotten hotter as she has gotten gayer?

Freida Pinto, 24“Slumdog Millionaire” made me a believer. This tank top made me a worshipper.

Jessica Stroup, 22Tank Top + Fire + Kissing Heather Graham = Almost enough to make me watch “90210”… almost, but still no.

Rihanna, 20Standing under Rihanna’s umbrella is optional. Staring at her tank vest is mandatory.

Hayden Panettiere, 19What kind of space-age polymer does your tank top need to be made out of if you’re indestructible? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Kristen Stewart, 18Why do vampires love tank tops? Two words: easy access.

Mandy Musgrave, 22, and Gabrielle Christian, 24Oh, Spashley. If only your storyline lived up to your tank tops.

Blake Lively, 21

It’s official. I’ve made a tragic error in not watching “Gossip Girl.”

Last Spashley

Gosh, my high school days certainly were never like this. Not even close. Truth be told, I'm not sure how many people's actually were. But regardless its closeness to any of our realities, “South of Nowhere” is a reflection of our hopes. Fine, not the insane teenage drama. Or the crazy homophobic mom. Or the dolt of a brother. Or...look, you get what I'm driving at. In my high school I remember exactly one openly gay kid. And even that was more like a rumor. There were no out couples. And I suspect this is still the case in too many schools, large and small, across the country. Sure it's changing, but it can't change fast enough for every questioning teen out there wondering if she is the only one. Being able to find community online helps immensely. Still there is just something about seeing your lives, your hopes broadcast directly into your living room that makes you feel a little less lonely.

That's why we've all sat through dozens if not hundreds of excruciatingly bad lesbian movies. That's why we all watch and rewatch “The L Word” (well, that and Jennifer Beal's biceps). We want to see ourselves. We want to see our stories. And, fine, we want to see hot girls kissing. It's thankfully the one and only thing I have in common with frat boys everywhere.

[Girls and boys, you're gonna wanna click that.]

So starting Friday it will be bittersweet to watch the last eight episodes of “South of Nowhere.” The series will finish its run at the end of this its third season. Sure, the show wasn't perfect. And I fully admit to fast-forwarding to the Spashley stuff. Still I always marvel at the fact that it's on TV at all. And on a channel just for teenagers (yeah, I try to ignore that bit, too, since I'm embarrassingly outside of the demographic). So, what's up for our star-crossed lovebirds in these last few episodes? Drama. Temptation. And, yes, kissing. God bless television.

South for Spashley

If “South of Nowhere” had existed while I was in junior high or high school, my how things would have been different. As is, the first show I saw about teenagers that dealt with gay issues was “My So-Called Life,” which started while I was in college. But a show with a lesbian teen couple that involved actual sexual tension and physical affection (even if we may grumble that it is too limited) was and continues to be a rarity. So I was saddened to hear late last month that the series is ending its run at the end of its third season this spring. The eight-episode second half to the season, which starts April 11*, will be it’s last.

Did I like everything (ugh, Glen, seriously ugh) about the show? Clearly, no. Did I sometimes fast-forward to the Spashley parts? Admittedly, yes. But regardless of its shortcomings, what the show helped do was normalize gay relationships. Gay teen couples flirt and fight and fawn over each other, just like straight teen couples. Gay teen couples face the same joys and pains, insecurities and desires, just like straight teen couples. And, most importantly, gay teen couples exist in practically every high school and deserve to be respected in the hallways and classrooms of America (and, of course, beyond). We’re here, we’re queer, can we copy your trig notes?

So, I’ll tune in to catch the final eight. And I’ll mourn the loss of the show even though it was so far out of my age demographic it bordered on embarrassing. And, heck, I’ll even sign a petition and send blog love to those troupers at the Save Spashley campaign. Hey, if peanuts worked for “ Jericho ” fans, maybe compasses can work for SoN fans. Though, if it were up to me, I’d send trench coats. Lots and lots of trench coats. Yeah. I am totally going to miss this show.

*UPDATE: Huh, well apparently The PTB and The N have decided to push back the final episodes premiere date to the fall because the network has “been absolutely overwhelmed” by the fan reaction to the cancellation and now want to “give South the proper send-off it deserves.” OK. So, delayed disappointment. I see. Very clever. Most people go for delayed gratification, but you just had to be different.

Spashley down

Spoilers! Spoilers, Will Robinson! Seriously, I’m gonna talk “South of Nowhere” season 3 premiere. So, if you haven’t watched yet or think teenage lesbian romances are silly, then shoo. Shoo, I say.

OK, are they gone? Can I just say, ohmygod, they killed Clay!! You bastards!!! Sorry, wrong show with a “South” in the title. OK, already season 3 is infinitely more interesting than season 2 (sorry, the season was kind of blah what with the degaying counselor, runaway road trip and hair brushing in lieu of kissage). But, season 3, holy crap, talk about opening with a bang. They killed a member of the Carlin clan. Damn, they’re really taking those “To Live and Die in L.A.” lyrics to heart.

I’m not sure the behind-the-scenes politics of killing off a major character on The N (Did the actor want out? Were they at a loss for how to spice up the teenage pregnancy storyline?)*, but once again a death on SoN is another excuse to bring camera crews on campus. First VH1’s “Behind the Music” and now MTV’s “True Life.” You’d think MTV Networks owned The N or some…oh, wait.
But on to what we care about: Spashley. First we get my-brother- died-and-you-went-to-Europe-and-then-didn’t-call-me-all- summer awkwardness. Then we get kissage -- glorious, glorious kissage. Followed immediately by breakup heartbreak complete with Ashley’s post dumping rehooking up with her hetero ex. Jesus, dyke drama starts young in L.A. I do like that it was Spencer who did the breaking up. Ashley is always hottest when she is in pursuit. And by hot, I mean age-appropriately attractive. Oh, hey, Mandy Musgrave is actually 20, so lust away. Enjoy.

The rest told in equation form since this is high school, yo:
Aiden + emo bangs = vomit
Glenn + screen time = vomit, squared
Ashley + inheritance = trouble
Spencer + Ashley + Aiden = get used to it, this dramarama is gonna be around all season

And two bonus equation based on the latest promo:
Spencer + random girls in bars = potential rebound hotness
Madison + straight girl gaydar = “L.A. is full of young eligible lesbians.” Snicker.

p.s. In case you missed the two-part premiere (301: “The Valley of Shadows,” 302: “Can’t But Me Love”) watch it now at The Click.
p.p.s. A little birdie told me SoN was nominated for Breakout Show in the Teen Choice Awards. So if you’re a teen (or an adult who secretly watches), go get your vote on.
p.p.p.s. * I understand the actor playing Clay was, how do I put this, a homophobic douche and wasn’t comfortable with the Spashley storyline. So, you know, good riddance.

Separated at Ugly

Has anyone else noticed how much Ugly Betty’s America Ferrera and South of Nowhere’s Mandy Musgrave look alike? Seriously, they could be sisters. Or, like they are in my head, girlfriends who have begun the slow yet inevitable transformation into each other. And, I am completely coveting America’s “Be Ugly” shirt (even though the logo looks suspiciously like another great woman in TV history...God, anyone else have a crush on Jane?) I digress. Join the Be Ugly in 2007 campaign here. Yes, I know it's just a clever marketing ploy. But I’m a sucker for a gal in glasses.

Juliet and her fair Juliet

So, I told you about how I watch South of Nowhere - even though it’s about high schoolers and even though my 10 year reunion has long since passed - right? Well, last Friday’s episode was the “Shit, My Parents Found Out I’m Gay” (OK, it was actually titled “Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are”) bombshell that had been building since season one. It involved Spencer’s homophobic mom walking in on our lovebirds mid tryst (seriously, folks, locks…has no one though to invest in door locks?) Sadly, we didn’t see much of said tryst. Only the hurried reapplication of clothing. Well, kiddies, next week we see slightly more of the aforementioned tryst (see above). Sure, it’s fairly tame. But when you’re used to crumbs, you’ll consider anything bigger than a crouton a feast. So, bon appetit. Catch the entire sneak peak here. Also, check out the online webisode (titled "Alone Together"). Is it sad that I think the shot of Spencer blowing on Ashley’s nails is kinda sexy? Yeah, it’s sad. I’ll go slink away in shame now… Oh, one last thing before I slink away, did you notice in next week's promo that the "de-gaying" counselor momophobe hires to cure Spencer is Principal Snyder from Buffy? Worlds colliding. Universes meshing. Must. Lay. Down.

Go south, young woman...

So I watch “South of Nowhere.” Yes, I realize this is a show about high schoolers. Yes, I realize it is on a channel called The N. Yes, I realize both these things would indicate that this show is aimed at teens and younger. Yes, I realize I am nowhere near my teens. So shoot me with a perv gun. Why do I watch? Two words: teenage lesbians* (did I mentioned the perv gun?) Actually, the show is fairly smart, if overly packed with teen Drama (capital D). It started its second season on Friday and you can read a hilarious recap over at AfterEllen. Watching the premiere made me realize how rare it still is, even in the 21st Century, to find shows where the lesbian storyline is the main storyline. Usually we're relegated to supportive best friend or peripheral professional colleague land. So three cheers for teenage lesbians! Now let's see how many hits typing "teenage lesbians" gets me.

EDITOR'S NOTE: In my defense, the actresses playing the comely teenage lesbians are 20 and 22, respectively. So put away the handcuffs... Wait, let me rethink that...