Lesbians Matlock-ed In

Naturally, given my new age bracket, I love the new “Matlock.” Also, what a showcase for Kathy Bates. Hello, love her always. But as I was watching the first few episodes I kept thinking, “You know what this show needs? Lesbians!”

Well, ask and ye shall receive. In a recent episode they dropped that Maddy Matlock’s eager fellow junior associate Sarah Yang is gay. They also introduced a cute IT specialist Kira, too. So, you know, that better happen this season. Sarah is played by Leah Lewis, who you might remember from the queer teen coming-of-age movie “The Half of It.” (You know, the long-awaited second feature from “Saving Face” writer-director Alice Wu.)

The latest episode also featured a lesbian couple who filed a wrongful death lawsuit over the death of his baby. So, you know, they’ve locked down the lesbians of a certain age viewership for sure now. The good news is we will have more to watch since the show has already been renewed for a second season. The show is on a little break right now, until after the holiday. But that gives us all the time to catch up. And also imagine the awkward yet adorable first date between Sarah and Kira.

ETA: Had to screenshot the lil Matlock lesbians for ya. So cute!

All Matlocked In

It’s morning everyone! Today’s the day! The sun is shining and the TV is clean! I mean, the TV is ready for the next episode of the new “Matlock!” With apologies to Finding Nemo, boy, did they make us wait for episode 2. Almost four whole weeks! Plus that twist? I’ll keep that “Matlocked” for now – even if I never intend to use that term again because, oh dear, it sounds so fetch-y. While my enjoyment of this show has never made my age bracket feel older, I will continue to unapologetically stan for Kathy Bates taking down [cause redacted] through the power of simply being a smart old lady who knows how to work the legal system.

My Weekend Crush

I have been relentlessly mocked by some friends (in my exact same age bracket, I might add) for expressing my excitement at the new Matlock reboot. But you know what? Me and my creaky joints are unabashedly not ashamed about being hyped to watch Kathy Bates run legal circles around a bunch of whipper snappers. And my Gen X heart is so full with the use of Britney Spears to promo the series. Like, yasss, you understand my demographic perfectly! Look, I honestly have been waiting for this series for well over a DAMN YEAR. So while I am youthful for my age, I am also cranky and impatient and did I mention those joints? Look, underestimate women of a certain age at your own peril, TV and world. Happy weekend, all.

Some of Them Hormones

The day has come. The day I’ve reached the Evelyn Couch Event Horizon. I am officially in the Evelyn Age Bracket from “Fried Green Tomatoes,” as a woman in her late 40s who is struggling with “The Change.” And while I have not taken a class about my vagina or crashed my car into any whipper snappers — YET — these days I often feel the impulse to just Towanda my whole damn life. My perimenopause started when I had my period three times in five weeks earlier this year. And it has continued with a cacophony of other delightful symptoms — from your standard hot flashes to wild mood swings and undeniable brain fog. In fact, if you’re reading here and see a word out of nowhere that doesn’t make any sense, that’s just my tired broken brain doing its best these days.

It seems wild that “Fried Green Tomatoes” remains one of the few mainstream films to deal with menopause head-on. In the 32 years that have passed since its release, the topic remains somehow still too taboo. Yet basically all women and people with female reproductive organs experience this in their lives. ALL OF US. And let me tell you, it is not subtle nor sweet — and definitely not something to be kept secret. We should talk about it. I can’t stop talking about it. Honestly, it makes me feel kinda crazy. Couple that with other huge recent life events and some days I feel like my entire existence is about to break through the bottom of Evelyn’s paper-thin Piggly Wiggly grocery bag. Yesterday, a 30-second video tweet of Elmo (yes, ELMO) saying “Happy Pride!” made me weep. Things are not OK inside my skull, clearly. But I am working on it, and honestly knowing the “Why” does at least help. Now, onto the what to do next. Speaking of Evelyn, has anyone else got themselves some hormones? I am also not opposed to Stress Tabs No. 4. I feel like Jessica Tandy was onto something.

That's a (Mat)Lock

Oh no, I really am getting old. I think I might watch the new “Matlock” reboot. I know, I know. Watching that show about the simple country lawyer used go hand-in-hand with AARP membership. But, hear me out – what if that simple country lawyer was a lady instead of Andy Griffith? And what if that lady was Kathy Bates? And what if the reboot played against the stereotypical portrayal of the doddering, invisible older woman? Fine, I’m still old.

p.s. Also I’m all for Kathy Bates sexually harassing Jason Ritter in the cast, or as I like to call him Mr. Melanie Lynskey.

p.p.s. My immediate affection for this show may also have something to do with my eternal affection for Kathy Bates’s Southern accent, circa “Fried Green Tomatoes.” Towanda!

Bates Hotel

Kathy Bates giving us that Bruno Mars swagger is the perfect pick me up for a Wednesday. On a related note I now want “Lip Sync Battle” to focus solely on actresses over 60 years old battling each other for lip sync supremacy.

Welcome to the freak show

As much as Ryan Murphy drives me absofuckinglutely nuts, I look forward to his freakfuckingtastic “American Horror Story” each year. Part of its appeal is its one-shot nature every of season. Murphy’s famously short attention span tends to doom his shows past their first season. (cough, Glee, cough) But by completely changing the setting, the plot and the characters it keeps things fresh. But the smartest thing by far is keeping the same very, very talented female cast. Jessica Lange, Sarah Paulson, Kathy Bates Angela Bassett. It’s hard to find a more talented collection of ladies on one show than that. This year’s carnival theme is rich with possibilities, and already we’ll have double the fun with Sarah and triple the fun with Angela (oh yeah, I noticed the extra girl in there). So bring on the freaks.

Which Witch is Witch

I don’t know will ultimately rise up and become the next Supreme tonight on the season finale of “American Horror Story: Coven.” I’m rooting for a “Chosen” kind of power-share. Are you ready to be strong, witches? But save that, I’m rooting for Misty or Cordelia. How could I not?

In looking at the scope of this season’s “American Horror Story,” I am both thrilled and disappointed. It’s a Ryan Murphy show, you were expecting more? I have unquestionably enjoyed this season more than last. The total mind-fuck of psychological (and physical – because of course) torture to befall the characters in “AHS: Asylum” was almost too stomach churning to watch. Sure, “Coven” folks have had to endure dismemberment, disembowelment and self-inflicted garden shears to the eyes. But it doesn’t feel as torturous, somehow.

What I’ve loved all along is two-fold. One, it’s absolutely lights-out female cast. (Jessica and Kathy and Angela and Sarah and Lily and Frances and Gabourey and Emma and Taissa and Patti, OH MY!) I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again – this is hands down the biggest gathering of female talent on TV this season. And, goodness, how they’ve flexed their collective muscle.

But what I haven’t loved, in fact hated, is that a series all about female power would be fixated on the wrong kind of power struggle. Instead of Witches vs. The World, “Coven” is Witches vs. Witches. Like women can only fight and destroy each other. Sure, there can be infighting, but does it ALL have to be infighting? Ugh, whatever Ryan Murphy.

I also have some not insignificant quibbles with the way the show has portrayed its African-American characters as motivated almost exclusively by vengeance. That and they tragically underused Marie Laveau. (Really, Benadryl takes down the Voodoo Queen of New Orleans? Really?) The show’s insulting insistence on keeping its focus on the stereotypical cat-fight dynamic robbed us of more of an opportunity to see Jessica Lange and Angela Bassett acting with each other, instead of against each other.



Oh, and then there’s the show’s reliance on tropes for what motivates women: fear of aging, want of a baby, jealousy over a boyfriend, et al.

Still, in spite of it all, I remain grateful for the ridiculous bounty of female talent who got to be on my TV together each week. And however it turns out, they should feel pride in how – despite the often subpar material – they’ve utterly bewitched us.

My Weekend Crush

Kathy Bates is perhaps the only actress alive who could make you feel almost sorry for a racist. Almost. Her portrayal of the horrific Madame LaLaurie on “American Horror Story: Coven” is truly magnificent. Like the always supreme Jessica Lange, Kathy has fully embraced both the overtones of crazy camp and undertones of pitiful pathos that run through the twisted heart of all “American Horror Story” stories. She shows us the promise of this weekly mish-mash of gushing blood and broken taboos.

Oh course, I’ve loved her since the days she was a wee lass breaking ankles for fun and obsession. Kathy has always been exceptional, even when some of the work has been below her capabilities. And us gay ladies will keep a special place in our hearts for us because she was our on-screen surrogate in learning about the timeless love between Idgie and Ruth in “Fried Green Tomatoes.” That car ramming scene in the parking lot remains one of my all-time favorite moments to rewatch and bask in the empowerment. “Face it, girls. I’m older and I have more insurance.” Towanda!

Kathy was also predictably spectacular, and heartbreaking, as the lesbian political consultant for the thinly veiled Bill Clinton character in “Primary Colors. She absolutely stole the movie, as she steals most things she is in. And so she is doing the same in “American Horror Story: Coven.” This is no small feat considering her phenomenal roster of co-star.

Madame LaLaurie is a despicable character, made more so because she was a real-life monster from history who tortured her slaves in 1834. Yet Kathy makes her befuddlement upon waking up in 2013 to find her worst nightmares are real (i.e. a black President of the United States of America) almost sympathetic. Almost. We hate her, but damn if we don’t love to watch her. Plus nothing can top her hissing, “Liiiiiiiiiiiiiessss” at Jessica’s Fiona upon learning the news. Really, nothing. It was worth sitting through this week’s entire stomach-churning hour of mother-son incest, murder and minotaur sex. Happy weekend, all.

Witchy Women

Despite my better judgment, I am enjoying the shit out of “American Horror Story: Coven” so far this season. Like, really, I look forward to this insane locomotive of witchy-bitchy magnificence each week. It’s so unexpected because when “American Horror Story” first premiered two seasons ago I was like – No. All of the no. I’m a legendary chicken and have watched most horror movies from behind a pillow and if no pillow is available with my hands over my eyes.

Now I realize saying I like “American Horror Story: Coven” will make some folks angry. There are so many things not right about this show. Among them are Ryan Murphy’s depictions of women, Ryan Murphy’s depiction of a gang rape and Ryan Murphy’s depiction of the torture of (literally) faceless slaves.

If you want to get very angry at me because I continue to watch a Ryan Murphy show, that is your right. And if you want to get very angry at me because I continue to watch a show that featured a voyeuristic rape and graphic torture, that is your right. If you want to get very angry at me because I continue to watch a show that believes women’s main motivations are youth, boys and babies, that is your right. Also, one of the witches “powers” is she that has an honest-to-goodness killer vagina. I mean Jesus fucking Christ. I find so much of this show horrifically, horrifically problematic. I am not saying you should continue (or even start) to watch this show because of these problems. I am just saying why I choose to continue tune in. Those reasons are multi-fold. But if I had to enumerate them that would be 1) Jessica Lange, 2) Angela Bassett, 3) Kathy Bates, 4) Sarah Paulson and 5) Lily Rabe.



This is hands down the most impressive cast of female stars working together on TV today. There are certainly other shows with ridiculously talented and amazing actresses on TV. But I don’t think there is another show with the sheer volume of ridiculously talented and amazing actresses working together in one ensemble on the air right now.

And we have not even gotten to the younger generation which includes Taissa Farmiga, Emma Roberts, Gabourey Sidibe and Jamie Brewer. Oh, on, and I am waiting impatiently for the return of Frances Conroy.

These women are good. They are damn good. Getting to watch them act together is an absolute treat. That the material does not always live up to their talent is a damn shame. That the material sometimes is outrageously below them is an absolute crime. But what they do with the material they have is nothing short of miraculous.

But what “American Horror Story” Coven” gets right, it absolutely nails. There is real venom and humor and darkness and – believe it or not - campy fun in these stories. For all of its copious issues, this is also still almost exclusively a show about female power. And that, that’s something.

As always, I am in it for the ladies. And these ladies cast a damn fine spell. (Sorry, I had to. It’s a show about witches, people.)