Music Monday: MVP Edition

@meena

VICE PRESIDENT AUNTIE 🇺🇸

♬ Walking - Mary Mary

Madame Vice President is walking, people. She’s walking. Also, if you need a little more profane celebration, please enjoy Chrissy Teigen and John Legend recreating me and my wife celebrating from the previous weekend. And in 64 days, we get to do that permanently. Happy Monday, kittens.

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Mask Up, Ladies

Never mind women in tank tops. These days, women properly wearing face masks in public is my new sexuality. After seeing how amazing Cate Blanchett looks in a face mask to prevent the spread of coronavirus, I thought I’d share the love. Because, and I cannot stress this point enough, all women look amazing in face masks. Why? Well, wearing a face mask means 1) you believe in science, 2) you care about other people, and 3) you aren’t an enormous asshole – at least not on the issue of spreading a potentially deadly and debilitating highly communicable respiratory illness.

I know, it seems absolutely insane that six months into a global pandemic we still have to try (largely in vain) to get more people to wear face masks. Like they’re mandated in my state (as they should be across the county) yet compliance is still hit-and-miss. But the very same people screaming about their “FREEDOMS!” are the people who keep telling Black Americans they won’t get shot by police if only they comply. But ask them to comply by putting a piece of cloth over their big, stupid mouth and nose to keep those around them healthy and you’d think we rolled the Constitution into a blunt and started smoking it in front of their faces.

Anyway. Long story short, be like Charlize, wear a damn mask. And, while you’re at it, wash your hands and fill out your Census.

Charlize Theron

I have every confidence if Charlize/Furiosa/Andy ran across you not wearing a mask, they would 100 percent kick your ass.

Janelle Monae

Giving out food to those in need and accessorizing with a hat. She can do it all.

Tilda Swinton

Masks, for humans and space aliens.

Jennifer Lopez

Ageless, flawless, but definitely not maskless. Bonus points for the tank top on a Tuesday, too.

Lady Gaga

Honestly not sure if this mask is medically sound, but it sure is hard to miss.

Naomi Osaka

Wearing the names of Black women and men killed by police on your way to winning her second U.S. Open championish is, what the kids today call, a whole mood. A very, very good mood.

Chrissy Teigen

A mask plus three pizzas? Who says the perfect human being does not exist?

Hillary Clinton

We probably wouldn’t even still have to be wearing masks if the stupid Electoral College didn’t exist.

Kamala Harris

A mask, a blazer and some Chucks. Now that’s my Vice President Straight Bette Porter.

SGALGG: Emmys Edition

Go Emmys, it’s your SGALGG Day. Go Emmys, it’s your SGALGG Day. Look, sometimes I run out of smart things to say. But, luckily, not out of things to show you. So here, without further ado-ing, your 2018 Emmy Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals.

Rachel Brosnahan Claire Foy, Tiffany Haddish & Angela Bassett

Is it just me, or does this look like Tiffany and Angela are inviting Rachel* to the most amazing threesome ever?

*Damn, Rachel and Claire were both working that short, slicked back brunette thing so from the side I sleepily mistook them. So they should probably make it a foursome is all I am saying.

Sandra Oh & Jessica Biel

Look out, Justin. Sandra is clearly explaining to Jessica the benefits of falling in obsessive love with a beautiful psychopathic assassin.

Amanda Crew & Suzanne Cryer

This feels like what Sporty Spice would wear to the Emmys if she came out and started dating Posh.

Angela Sarafyan & Stefani Robinson

Because I don’t know why Angela from “Westworld” and Stefani with “Atlanta” are posing together I’ll just assume it is because they are dating. Please don’t tell me otherwise.

Nina Kiri & Madeline Brewer

When you see your girlfriend on the red carpet looking super hot and neither of you are in Gilead.

Millie Bobbie Brown & Emilia Clarke

Fine, so Eleven and Daenerys aren’t doing anything particularly gay together. But both their characters project Big Dyke Energy, so there’s that.

Alex Borstein & Her Emmy

I mean, performing cunnilingus in public on your Emmy is also a pretty B.D.E. move.

Laurie Metcalf & Alex Borstein

Though, I guess Laurie Metcalf checking out your rack in front of everyone has a confidence boosting effect.

Chrissy Teigen & Gina Rodriguez

The moment you realize how great it feels to press your whole lady body against another whole lady body.

And now time for a brand new segment called “Straight Girls Acting Like Gay Gals With Sarah Paulson” or SGALGGWSP.

Sarah & Connie Britton

Connie to Sarah: “Look, we’d be great together in ‘American Horny Story’ is all I’m saying.”

Sarah & Claire Foy

Claire to Sarah: “Look, you’re the Supreme. I’m the Queen. We could really make this work.”

Sarah & Felicity Huffman

Felicity to Sarah: “Look, I’m not saying I’d do anything for you. But I was on a show with ‘Desperate’ in the title.”

Sarah & Jessica Biel

Jessica to Sarah: “Look, I’m really the one in the family who knows how to rock a body – if you know what I mean.”

Sarah & Holland

Holland to Sarah: “Look at those poor dears, like they ever had a chance.”

Tank Top Tuesday

Sometimes, many times, all the time, I get nostalgic for the simpler times when all it took to make me happy was a woman in a white tank top. All the horrible in the world seems so close to the surface now. But, you know what, they make take away our health care, but they’ll never take our joy at a lady in white tank top. Not now, not ever. I mean, just look at Janelle. Look at her. Yeah, I feel better already. Enjoy.

Constance Wu

Jessica Huang continues to be one of the best characters on television. Period. (But real period, not like Sean Spicer period.)

Ksenia Solo

I miss Kenzi and Hot Pants and Bo-Bo, oh my.

Jessie Graff

If I was going to start a real-life superhero lady squad I would put Sally Yates and Jessie Graff on my starting lineup.

Chrissy Teigen

My love for her ages like fine wine. It gets richer, deeper, and still gets you drunk.

Tank Top Tuesday

In my ongoing effort to find joy in 2017, I’d like to take a moment to thank some of Hillary Clinton’s biggest backers – in tank tops. Like the only America who is great actually again, above. (Not that either America was ever not great.) These are some strong, talented women who supported a woman who is infinitely qualified to lead our country. Sure, things didn’t go as any of us had hoped (no thanks to Russia, the FBI, GOP voter suppression, racism, sexism and an outdated electoral college system that unevenly weighs geographic regions and was historically used to help slave owners). But these women are still great and talented, and I know still with her. In tank tops of not.

Alicia Keys


Elizabeth Banks


Beyoncé


Chrissy Teigen


Kerry Washington


Meryl Streep

SGALGG: Look at Those Golden Globes Edition

Please, like I’d let a Golden Globes go by without celebrating our favorite golden globes. Granted it was a tad bittersweet this time, as this will be the last year of the Tina & Amy hosting show. But at least Tina dressed up for the occasion. I’m pretty sure she put on the tux just so she could get into a Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals post. So I am only too happy to oblige. So here are some straight gals, and some gay gals, doing just that.

Robin Wright & Gillian Anderson
Most of my best dreams are nowhere near this good.

Oprah & Helen Mirren
And you get to touch some bosoms! And you get to touch some bosoms! And you get to touch some bosoms!

Gina Rodriguez & Ruth Wilson
I really hope they’re plotting world domination, because I would be super OK with them running things.

Cara Delevingne & Rita Ora
Totally over Michelle, I see.

Amy Poehler & Natasha Lyonne
Lesbian twin syndrome, activate!

Uzo Aduba & Taylor Schilling
Chocolate and vanilla swirl, swirl, swirl.

Sarah Paulson & Amanda Peet
Gay/straight lady BFFs. If only they’d make that into a movie. Wait, they already have?

Salma Hayek & Maggie Gyllenhaal
I saw several pictures of these two chatting very intently throughout the evening. Is it weird to be jealous of their conversation? Because I am.

Jill Soloway
Wonderful straight alley, wonderfully weird suit. Also, how wonderful were the wins for “Transparent?” So wonderful.

Julianne Moore, John Legend & Chrissy Teigen
This is for all the bisexual ladies in the house. Also, that’s a sandwich even I have to admit looks pretty tasty.

Lena Dunham, Jaime King, Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez & Lorde have mercy that’s a lot of celebrities in one photo.
This reminds me of a Renaissance painting, but with more A-Listers.

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
They’re clearly saying, “Please show yourself out. We’re about to make love until the sun comes up. We know you’d like to watch, but clearly you aren’t worthy. Goodnight.” What? Amy is the only person I will allow to touch my Fake TV Wife besides me. We have an arrangement (i.e. I get to watch).