I want my L TV

It’s hard out there for a lesbian … on TV. (Just ask Jodie Foster.) First, BBC3 cancels “Lip Service,” shutting down television’s only English-language lesbian drama. And – even worse – forever robbing us of Hot Cop. And then Showtime announces “The Real L Word” will probably be turned into a documentary this season. So instead the soapy reality franchise will be exploring lesbian subculture in places where “it’s maybe not so easy.” Oh dear. Both bits of news are bummers for their own reasons. The first because, well, you heard that bit about their being no more hot cop, right? And the second because, well, you know Ilene Chaiken is still running the whole L universe, right? Ugh. But, it’s not all bummer lesbian entertainment headlines. “Lost Girl” is back (and – shameless self promotion – my first recap of the season is up today on AfterEllen). Reelz Channel sent me the entire first season of “Bomb Girls.” And we’ll soon be able to get our lesbians with British accents fix again thanks to Sue Perkin’s new series starring Anna Skellern (that’s sexy Lexy form “Lip Service”) and Shelley Conn (that’s sexy Shelley Conn from “Nina’s Heavenly Delights” and “Mistresses”). When the lesbian TV gods close a door, they open a couple windows with amazing, amazing views.

My Weekend Sexy

Right, so I’m on a quick vacation for the next week. Off to remind the niece and nephew just how cool their gay Auntie Snarker is. While I’m gone I shall, of course, be satiating your appetite with the lovely Vacation Vixens each day while I am away. Why? Because I care. Also, I’m somewhat unclear on the concept of “vacation.” But before I got I just wanted to give a tip of the hat to our lovely lady friends at “Lip Service.” Now, I know I was all “Oh my God, they killed [Oh my God, if you haven’t watched season 2 yet stop reading now because I don’t want to hear any whining in the comments section about spoilers] Cat! Those bastards!” about developments recently. And, I am still not wholly convinced going to that great Lesbian Burial Ground in the Sky was the best option, I will say I am extremely grateful for the addition of Lexy and the retention of Sadie. For without these two lusty ladies, I fear this season of “Lip Service” would indeed by one continuous loop of Chopin’s “Funeral March” – but played on acoustic guitars because this is a lesbian show, people. Instead, last week we got this delightfully randy sequence. So thank you, Sexy Lexy and Shady Sadie, for bringing the fu back into fun. See you in a week. Happy weekend, all.

This clip is extremely, insanely, delightfully NSFW. But it’s almost the weekend. So, you know, go for it.

Service terminated

WARNING: Contains major spoilers for “Lip Service” episode 2. Also, a lot of curse words. And, yes, even a mention of Ilene Chaiken. Forgive me, it is all unfortunately unavoidable.

Right, so, HOLY FREAKING HELL WHAT THE GOOD GOD ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Um, they killed Cat. Like they really, really very, very killed Cat. I believe the sequence was Cat, text, car, dead. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. More than 24 hours after watching the episode and I’m still equal parts shocked and perplexed. And, much like the now very dead Cat’s signature facial expression, I have furrowed brow that just won’t quit.

In the interest of rational discussion and to prevent me from just repeating eight paragraphs worth of expletives, I feel it’s best to approach the whole “OH MY GOD THEY KILLED CAT” issue from a variety of angles, one at a time.

First, let’s talk story. As far as storytelling devices go killing off a major character can be high risk but also high reward. Think killing Joyce on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” Think killing Rita on “Dexter.” Think killing Gary on “Thirtysomething.” (Anyone here old enough to remember Thirtysomething? Anyone? Moving on.) But with risk comes failure and we only need to say the name Dana and gay ladies the world over shake their fists at an angry sky and scream, “Damn you, Ilene Chaiken, damn you to hell!”

This falls somewhere between those two. This is no “The Body.” The emotional resonance just wasn’t there. It wasn’t. Cat, while integral, is not as beloved. In fact my most prevalent emotion when seeing her was baffled annoyance. You have the perfect girlfriend, you tit. Stop mucking it up with that bean pole. So I can’t entirely say I’m sad to see her go. So in terms of losing Cat as a character, I’ll take it with a shoulder shrug and move on. (Though, this is nothing against the lovely Laura Fraser – who did the very best brow furrowing she could with a character whose entire existence revolved around fastidious indecision.)

Next, let’s talk about execution. Sure, they killed Cat – but how did they do while doing it? Here I’d say I give them good marks for showing how utterly horrible the sudden death of a loved one can be. Because watching that hour of television was utterly horrible. The painful silence. The awkward decisions. The terrible emptiness. It was a pretty miserable hour of television because death is pretty miserable business.

But then, sometimes it isn’t. Don’t get me wrong, death is death and it’s always bad. Still I can say from personal experience that amid the horrible sadness can also be glimpses of, dare I say it, the unstoppable human spirit. That thing that propels us to go on, love each other, do better, try harder. We didn’t see that – not one bit. Granted, it’s early. Cat just died. Everyone’s still in shock. It’s all so utterly horrible and raw. But let’s hope it’s coming, let’s hope really hard.

And finally, let’s talk impact. While I’m a tad “meh” about killing off Cat as a character, I’m 100 percent “WTF” about killing off Cat the character with relationships with all the other characters. Because this is where Cat’s death will have the biggest effect. Cat, for all her flaws, was a bit like the glue. Obviously there was the triangle with Sam and Frankie. Then her brother and Tess. So her death won’t just have a ripple effect; it’ll be a monster tsunami. And this is where I feel the writers went wrong. Sure, they felt painted into a corner because Laura was leaving for another show (which, by the way, she was ultimately dropped from – doh!), but there are so many other ways to make a character scarce that don’t blow up an entire season like killing her did.

And, make no mistake, that is what the writers have done – they’ve detonated a bomb on Season 2. When you kill a major, major character off in the second episode of a brand new season you ensure that that entire season will be about dealing with the repercussions of that death. When The Chaiken did in Season 3 of “The L Word” she at least had the decency to do it with only two episodes left. Sure, it still sucked big, hairy donkey balls. But then they were able to regroup after the season, pretend enough time had passed and move the fuck on.

“Lip Service,” on the other hand, has made moving on damn near impossible and that means more than likely we’re in for a lot of sad, angry, depressed, confused and gloomy lesbians on our TV. Oh, goody. Just what I always wanted. While we’re at it, does anyone feel like clubbing some baby seals for fun? Look, there are so few shows just about gay women on the television that it seems a damn shame to make the one we have such a bummer. And while I certainly don’t think that artists have a mandated responsibility to make all queer programming smiley, happy, sunshiney goodness, I can’t help but feel disappointed. This is not the TV show I signed up for. This is not the sexy, sudsy lesbian drama I dreamed about.

The thing is, it didn’t have to go this way. Sure, they were handcuffed by the need to write off Laura’s character. But death seems like the most severe and unforgiving way to handle the situation. She could have freaked out and left. I mean, it worked for Frankie. She could have gotten another job and left. Sure, also sudden, but less devastating for the other characters. Hell, she could have been replaced with another actress. I mean, it worked for “Bewitched.” Anything but this. Anything but turning it into a big lesbian downer.

I hope I’m wrong. I hope the writers do something amazing. I hope they find a way to bring back that something special, make us all smile again. I really do. But for now, and for I’m guessing the foreseeable future, my prevalent emotions remain HOLY FREAKING HELL WHAT THE GOOD GOD ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Excellent Service

So, remember how I was super excited about the return of a show with inferred lesbian subtext? Guess what, I’m also super excited about the return of a show with real lesbian stories. See. I’m no monster. I can be a rational, fact-based consumer of televised programming, too. And, believe me, my excitement is very, very real. It seems like forever since we last got a taste of Lip Service, probably because it has been kind of forever. The first season ended in November 2010. So we’ve gone well over a year without having a major show on our televisions just about women who sleep with women. Granted, it’s about more than that. We aren’t just our naughty bits. But, be honest, we really love this show because we don’t have to use a straight filter or gay goggles when watching. We can just enjoy the pure, unadulterated lady lust. Can I get an ahymen?

You know, as much as we complained – and boy did we complain – about The L Word, we also watched the hell out of it. Because it was ours and ours alone. And there is still, in 2012, a real hunger to see ourselves reflected back to us. While representation has gotten better – we’re sprinkled through a dozen or so North American shows right now – it’s still in many ways limited. And while it’s great to be part of ensembles, heavens is it fun to watch us all in a group.

p.s. What in good God have they done to poor Laura Fraser’s face? It’s like “When Photoshop Attacks: Demon Head Replacement.” Well at least Hot Cop looks good. We’d have come after them if torches if they touched Hot Cop’s face.

p.s. I got so excited for the lesbian action I forgot to tell you that Lip Service returns Friday, April 20 on the BBC3.

Practice makes perfect

Right, so last night while watching “Game of Thrones” (getting a little better with the female characters, a little), one scene in particular peaked my interest. It is when Daenerys ask her handmaiden to school her in the ways of pleasing a man. Normally, the last three words of that request would mean I couldn’t give a flip. But, oh, how different things are in execution. So Dany (for short, because Daenerys is too damn had to spell) and her handmaiden Doreah have a very instructional session together. I am not ashamed, I rewound it more than once. What can I say? Beautiful women straddling each other will never not work for me. Oh, please, like you can resist. (A tad NSFW, though mostly just educational.)

But then, while watching, I thought, “Gosh, that handmaiden looks kind of familiar.” And thanks to you all (Hat tip, Tiffany!), I had my eureka moment. Well, more like a lesbureka moment. Lovely handmaiden Doreah is none other than cheeky daytime TV host Lou from “Lip Service.” Yes, that’s the delightful Roxanne McKee in both roles. No wonder she was so good with the ladies. What? Can’t remember Lou? Well, let me help jog your memory a bit with a little visual aid. I’ll bet Tess hasn’t forgotten her. (NSFW, oh, like that’s going to stop you.)

Of course, watching that little interlude from “Lip Service” just reminds me how much I miss “Lip Service.” In fact, it even makes me miss “The L Word.” Because as much as I love the lesbian/bisexual storylines on “Glee” and “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Pretty Little Liars,” they’re just one storyline out of many others. What was so great about “Lip Service” and (when it wasn’t annoying the shit out of you with incomprehensible plot points and pointless murder mysteries) “The L Word” was that they were all about the gay ladies. And without them we wait, impatiently patient, to see ourselves pop up again. Or even make due with a little practice session. It does make perfect, after all.

EDIT: Seriously, someone reported the nudity in the Tess & Lou video? Well, let’s see if DailyMotion is less prudey.

At your Service

Something strange happens while you’re watching “Lip Service.” You kind of forget the characters are gay. Well, you don’t. I mean, how could you? They’re gay. Everything about them is gay. It oozes from their pores because it’s in their pores. It’s not something that has been paint-by-numbered onto them. They just are, and so you forget. Instead it’s just a group of women living their lives and having the same (albeit hopefully somewhat heightened) drama that we all go through.

Gosh, that’s nice.

What “Lip Service” has been able to craft in just five short episodes (with only the finale left, which airs today) is to bring us into the living, breathing, functioning, non-functioning, crazy, mundane, complicated, silly lives of a group of gay women living in Glasgow. You may not see your life exactly reflected in their lives (I mean, I’ve never dated a hot cop – yet). But they feel right. Their choices feel like their own, even the bad ones.

And while I may not feel the same instant blind devotion to the characters, like I did with certain characters on “The L Word” (Alice, Dana, Bette – group hug), these women seem like women I might actually be friends with. So watching their lives is like sneaking surreptitious glances through an open window into their living rooms. Figuratively, because if it was for real I think we’d all get arrested for peeping during the naught bits.

Amazingly, the writers never felt the need to scream from the rooftops: “This show is about gay women with the gay and their gayness and their gay issues and the gay drama and more gayness. GAY!” Sure, it dealt some issues you see often in gay narratives: The girlfriend who won’t come out, the boss who doesn’t like gays, the gay lady who sometimes sleeps with not-gay-ladies, the Shane/Frankie. But they were handled without muss or blaring trumpets or Very Special Episodes.

In fact, the last episode had a scene that was almost breathtaking in its ordinariness (no, not that scene – that was breathtaking for other reasons). It was in DS Sam Murray in her car with her police partner calmly discussing her relationship. Nothing extraordinary about it except that it was extraordinary. You never see gay and straight coworkers who aren’t already established as “best friends” talk like that. Gays talk with gays, straights talk with straights. Or, if they do talk, it’s about The Gay.

Like I was saying, nice.

Is it perfect? Heavens no. I’m not nearly as intrigued as they think I should be at the Big Scary Secret from Frankie’s past. Jay needs to grow up and stop taking out his Peter Pan impulses on my eyeballs. And for God’s sake, will someone unforrow poor Cat’s brow? Continually perplexed is not a good way to go through life. But those are just nits compared to the greater good.

So, what do I hope for from the finale today? More of the same. I want the big messy. Life is complicated, our choices are complicated. Should Cat go with the steady, dependable, super hot cop Sam or should she go with the damaged, mercurial, super bad decision maker Frankie? Call me crazy, but I’m actually kind of torn. And that’s good, too. Sometimes you can’t script it all out. Sometimes you have to let things happen and hope for the best.

p.s. Once more, with extra gay feelings, my friends over at Feromoon would be more than happy to help you watch. Enjoy.

Hot Fuzz

So when this whole “Lip Service” business started everyone assumed Frankie’s Ruta Gedmintas would be the show’s resident lesbothrob. She was the “Shane” of the group (yes, yes – I know she’s not Shane). She did all the moody looking through her hair and randy dropping of her skinny jeans. She was the bad girl. But a funny thing happened on the way to fandom, everyone started swooning over the good girl instead. Sure, we still love us some Frankie. But bring up Detective Sergeant Sam Murray to a group of gay ladies and you’ll hear a chorus of, “Ooooooh, the hot cop.” Yes, hot cop is hot – and ridiculously so.

I’ve been trying to analyze exactly what makes Hot Cop so hot. (For science, obviously.) And what I’ve come up with is actually pretty simple. Sam is your dream girlfriend. Hot, smart, strong, accomplished, calm, confident, happy to have sex on her office desk. She is proof that good girls aren’t boring, they’re just good – at lots of really good things.

All the credit in the world must be given to out actress Heather Peace for making Hot Cop so very hot. She had taken what could have been a somewhat two-dimensional role (good, stoic cop lady) and turned her into an infinitely relatable and desirable character. As the only out cast member she brings a needed authenticity to her part. We know her. She doesn’t wear a lot of makeup. She does wear a lot of tight button-down shirts. She hasn’t got time for bullshit. She has got a shitload of swagger. She swigs beer like a fucking champion. (In real life she can apparently swing like a fucking champion, too, because she is also a jazz singer.) Wait, have I mentioned she is really hot?

I know we’re supposed to want Cat and Frankie together, I know that. And part of me does – first loves and all. But another part of me says screw that head case. Stay with the hot cop and have hot sex in the backseats of taxis forever and ever.

Thank you, Heather Peace/Hot Cop/Det. Sgt. Sam Murray. I will now make the obligatory joke about you being welcome to handcuff me and/or give me a firm frisking anytime.

Also, thanks for this. Guess it’s Naked Lady Monday after all. NSFW, obviously, clearly, very much so. You’re welcome. [Click to enlarge, which goes for all the images, you big perv.]

p.s. My friends over at Feromoon would be more than happy to help you catch up on all the Hot Cop action of “Lip Service.” Enjoy.

Getting Lippy

Hey, who wants to talk about that British show with all the gay ladies and the skinny, androgynous, hipster-haired lesthario who is definitely not Shane? No one? Really? Fine. I’ll just go eat this crumpet in the corner with a spot of tea then. Weather’s been nice for this time of year. Turned a touch cold last night. Wait, what’s that? You do want to talk about that British show with all the gay ladies and the skinny, androgynous, hipster-haired lesthario who is definitely not Shane? Well why didn’t you say so. I’ve been dying to discuss “The L Word with Better Accents” “Lip Service.” Let me just finish this tea first.

SPOILER ALERT: Talking about the show means talking about spoilers for the pilot episode. Also I’m also going to talk about some spoilers for the pilot episode of “The L Word” – you know, for all three of you who have never seen it.

First of all, stop comparing it to that other lesbian show. “Lip Service” is nothing like “The L Word.” “Lip Service” has a thin, tortured lady’s lady with an edgy hairdo named Frankie. “The L Word” has a thin, tortured lady’s lady with an edgy hairdo named Shane. Frankie takes pictures. Shane cuts hair. Different, not the same. Oh, shit. Didn’t Shane start taking pictures in, like, season six or something? Damn.

“Lip Service” is set in Glasgow, “The L Word” was set in Vancouver Los Angeles. LS starts out with three main gay ladies, TLW started out with six main gay ladies. LS began with a death, TLW ended with a death. LS took 1 minute and 25 seconds to get to the first lesbian sex scene, TLW took 10 minutes and 35 seconds to get to the first lesbian sex scene. LS has hot Scottish accents, TLW had hot Jennifer Beals arms.

All joking aside, the shows have very different tones (LS is a little more raw, TLW was a lot more glossy) and very different obvious initial story arcs (LS is about lost love, TLW was about self awakening). I would still advise all “Lip Service” actresses steer clear of any swimming pools, just in case.

The bigger question remains: How was it? It was good. I wouldn’t say I fell in love instantly, but I most definitely want a second date. And I can’t wait to get it naked. You know the biggest problem with “Lip Service” so far? No one is especially likable yet. Tess whines (though her robot love was adorkable), Cat furrows her brow while showing varying levels of concern and Frankie looks very Shane today. Granted, we are only one episode in. But one episode into “The L Word” I already loved Alice, adored Dana and wanted to be bossed around like a bad puppy by Bette.

I believe the rest of my feelings about “Lip Service” can be best expressed in screencaps. It was between that or interpretive dance. I think, for everyone’s sake, I made the right decision.

Meet Frankie
First Lesbian Sex
Why It’s Better to be British
Meet Tess
Meet Cat
Meet Her One Facial Expression
Yes, Really
But How Was It?
Bonus: Ship it.

God bless the BBC.