Monday, January 15, 2018

Flame On

Welcome to your Monday. May you all enter this week with the kind of ferocity as Sigourney Weaver test firing a flamethrower for the filming of “Alien.”

p.s. Also, this means every time you see Ripley wielding a flamethrower in “Alien,” that fucker is the real fucking deal. Have a badass week, all.

Friday, January 12, 2018

My Weekend Oprah

Look, I don’t necessarily thing America should go elect another billionaire celebrity as its president anytime soon. One would hope the petulant orange C-Lister we have in there now would scare us away from ever again letting a famous person without a single iota of governing experience (and even less compassion or intellectual curiosity) be Leader of the Free World. But, all that said, if we were to allow another star near the White House, I can honestly think of no person more temperamentally and inspirationally perfect for the role than Oprah. She has the compassion and intelligence and hope part down pat. And her Golden Globe speech was 300 million times better than anything Donald Fucking Trump has ever said in his life. And that’s probably low-balling it. I listen to it again, days later, and still, goosebumps. So, yeah, Oprah 2020. Or someone with the compassion and intelligence of Oprah who is deeply qualified for the position 2020. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. May that speech also forever bury Dave Letterman’s “Oprah-Uma” joke. RIP.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Streep Throat

Look, it’s been an infinitesimally less terrific and no less economically advantageous time to be a straight white male recently. I know, cry them a river, they have to try to stop being such blatant garbage sex monsters. But in an effort to show you I am not your stereotypical man-hating lesbian (I’m your completely unique man-hating lesbian, thank you very much), I will allow one to share the screen with the goddess that is Meryl Streep. Here is Meryl and her loud-mouth, wise-cracking guy friend on Ellen. The Great Panted One has the two actors read lines from each other’s iconic roles in character. Naturally, Meryl does it better. Naturally. But Tom is, you know, OK. Please may nothing terrible come out ever about Tom Hanks (and by that I mean, obviously, please let Tom Hanks not be a garbage sex monster like the rest of them…)

p.s. Yes, there’s a discussion to be had about Meryl and Harvey Weinstein, but centering criticisms on what women may or may not have known about the terrible things men have done is once again blaming women for the terrible things men have done. Period.

p.s. If you’re looking for some solo Streep, here she is being delightful about Mariah Carey stealing her seat at the Golden Globes.


Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Low Ryder

Because this is the Fuck the Patriarchy Golden Globes week here at Surrenders, I thought we’d discuss that insane L’Oreal commercial that aired during the ceremony. You know the one, where a dark-haired actress prepares nervously for her big moment in a dressing room while inspirational music swells. And then, ever so slowly, she turns to reveal it is WINONA FREAKING RYDER. And then the tagline is, “Everyone loves a comeback. Damaged hair deserves one too.”

Holy fucking shitballs, did L’Oreal just compare Winona Ryder’s career to damaged hair?

Look, it’s true, everyone loves a comeback. And, yes, it would be nice if all our hair could be lustrous and beautifully conditioned. But JFC on a cracker, is this an awkwardly juxtaposed message.

As well constructed (seriously, I’m sorry they chose that particular keyframe for the video – not to mention the title – because the whole and entire drama not to mention impact of the thing was the reveal of Winona Freaking Ryder at the end) as this ad was an strangely emotional, it’s also one of those things they would never, ever, ever ever ever ever do to a man.

Has Robert Downey Jr. ever been in an ad that compared his comeback to nice hair? Has Rob Lowe been in a commercial comparing his career renaissance to deeply conditioned roots? Was Mel Gibson subjected to hair styling product metaphors? Nope, nope and fuck that guy.

My point is, it’s a terribly superficial comparison and our beloved Winona’s career arch deserves more than allegories about shiny hair.

Tuesday, January 09, 2018

SGALGG: Golden Globes Edition

You know when ladies pretend to kiss a shiny golden statue but they’re really just trying to kiss each other? Yeah, well in my head that’s what happens at every single awards show – but especially the Golden Globes. There was plenty of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals action at this year’s ceremony. There were also Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gals and Straight Gals Not Acting All That Gay But Still Pertinent To Your Gay Gal Interests (SGNAALTGBSPTYGGI?!?) Anyway, the whole thing, as I mentioned yesterday, was a sometimes invigorating, sometimes dissonant affair that I hope takes advantage of all the attention it has garnered. And with that, on the SGALGG and GGALGG and SGNAALTGBSPTYGGI. Yeah, I know, that last one needs work.

Helen Mirren & Viola Davis

That feeling when you’re gonna chase down every last sexual predator and hold him accountable for his actions.

Elisabeth Moss, Amanda Brugel & Yvonne Strahovski

Three’s company, very good company.

Octavia Spencer & Jessica Chastain

Just demonstrating some consensual touching.

Kerry Washington, Debra Messing & Eva Longoria

Just demonstrating some consensual touching in a threesome.

Tatiana Maslany & Laverne Cox

Tatiana Maslany and Laverne Cox know and appear to like each other. What a time to be alive.

America Ferrera & Natalie Portman

Natalie just looks so proud of getting America pregnant here.

Gwendoline Christie & Emilia Clarke

Admit it, you totally ship Brienne and Daenerys.

Lauren Morelli & Samira Wiley

Don’t worry, you can still ship married couples, too.

Amy Sherman-Palladino & Rachel Brosnahan

This looks like they’re going to an old-timey Butch-Femme Prom.

Lena Waithe & Tracee Ellis Ross

I never knew how much I wanted Lena & Tracee to be a couple until this exact moment.

Zoey Deutch & Haley Lu Richardson

This is how you act when you want to become a couple.

Laura Dern & Reese Witherspoon

This is how you act when you are a couple and want to go home.

Sarah Paulson & Amanda Peet

I hope Amanda know how lucky she is to be Sarah’s perpetual stand-in girlfriend.

Tonya Harding & Allison Janney

My main reaction to this photo is, holy crap, that’s Tonya Harding.

Salma Hayek & a Golden Globe

My main reaction to this photo is, holy crap, I wish I was that Golden Globe.

And now for the SGNAALTGBSPTYGGI Section:

Claire Foy

Pertinent.

Tessa Thompson

Pertinent-er.

Gillian Anderson

Pertinent-erer.

Lena Headey

Pertinent-est.

Gal Gadot

Amazonian.

Bonus:

Rita Moreno

When I’m 86 I hope I look 1/86th this cool.

Monday, January 08, 2018

Reclaiming Our Time

Right, let’s dig in shall we? This weekend’s Golden Globes were an interesting clash in acute cultural awareness and standard superficial bullshit. Pretty much everyone wore black, which while it can be seen as an empty gesture was also arresting in its own way because, well, pretty much everyone did it. Everyone. You can’t even make everyone in an office take a piece of free cake. Now, to be fair, I am guessing like 90 percent of the dudes who wore black did so by default anyway because that’s what color men’s formal wear is. But still.

This reckoning was always about more than just Hollywood. #MeToo is about the systematic abuse of women, all women. And therefore it will only be successful if it embraces the plight of all women – regardless of race or class or sexual orientation or gender identity – not just those with the privilege and platform to finally speak out. It must lift up the voiceless, which is why I commend the Time’s Up Initiative, which instead of just offering lip service is putting up real hard cash (so far $16 million dollars and counting) to start a legal defense for women who might otherwise not be able to fight their harassers. Three hundred Hollywood women signed a letter of solidarity with female farm workers and domestic workers and service workers and factory workers and so on. That matters.

And some stars even brought female activists, many of who work directly for nonprofits that help these the groups, with them as their dates to the Globes. Michelle Williams was with Tarana Burke, founder of the #MeToo Movement and senior director of Girls for Gender Equity. Meryl Streep was with Ai-jen Poo, director of the National Domestic Workers Alliance. Laura Dern was with Monica Ramirez, president of the female farmworkers women’s group Alianza Nactional de Campesinas. Amy Poehler was with Saru Jayaraman, co-founder of Restaurant Opportunities Centers United. Emma Watson was with Marai Larasi, executive director of the UK-based black feminist organization Imkaan. Now this is some non-gay same-sex coupling this gay lady can certainly get behind.



I forced myself to watch some of the red carpet coverage before the ceremony, which I normally ever view on mute, to find the line of questioning a teensy bit better but only – of course – for the women. Because what in the world could men have to say about sexual harassment, even though the vast majority of its perpetrators are indeed men?

I was also pretty disappointed by all the male winners who, aside from some of their shiny “Time’s Up” pins, had precious little to say about this particular moment in our social acceptance of the bullshit women have put up with for centuries at the hand of their male counterparts. Like, yo, Alexander Skarsgard and Sam Rockwell, your projects specifically revolved around the abuse of women. And yet, nada. Solving sexual harassment isn’t just up to women and can’t be done without men’s unequivocal commitment. Also, if you wore a Time’s Up pin and worked with Woody Allen or Roman Polanski recently, GTFO.

Anyhoo. I liked quite a few of the women’s speeches. Oprah, of course. Oprah always. Babs wasn’t bad either. And Laura Dern. And Frances “Fuck yeah, I made them think tectonic shift was a cuss word” McDormand. Though my favorite cut was from Natalie Portman with his fatal delivery of “And here are the all male nominees,” just before announcing the Best Director nominees. Like, damn, this Natalie needs to come out to play more often.



As for the awards themselves I was pretty happy for “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” and its star Rachel Brosnahan because it’s charming and she is charming. And you can’t be mad at “The Handmaid’s Tale” and its queer-inclusive storylines and terrifyingly plausible dystopia getting more attention. “Lady Bird” was lovely and while I haven’t seen “Three Billboards” I can never not root for Frances, so there’s that.

All in all, the Golden Globes felt like a glamorous shot in the arm. May it bolster our determination to work hard and tirelessly and take advantage of the momentum of this moment. Perhaps we can accomplish the needed sea change for women, all women. Look out, sexual predators. We’re gonna chase down every last one of you and hold you accountable for your actions. In heels, and backwards if we have to. Though, naturally, as a gay lady I’ll be doing it in sensible shoes.



p.s. Tomorrow we’ll revel in some SGALGG, I promise.

Friday, January 05, 2018

My Weekend Crush

Congratulations to Ellen Page and Emma Portner, who announced their marriage on Instagram this week. Also, condolences to all the queer ladies who will now never realize their dream of marrying Ellen Page. I have to give Ellen mega gay props for not only marrying someone with a very similar sounding name (Ellen/Emma), but also the exact same initials. May Ellen and Emma live a long, happy and gay life together. Mazel tov, ladies. Happy weekend, all.


Thursday, January 04, 2018

Yes to Life

So, did you make any New Year’s resolutions? I didn’t really, though I do have some loose goals. Most of them revolve around staying in more and others are about staying off the Internet more. It’s nothing against you all, kittens. You all are unquestionably lovely. And, I’ll stay up here as always. But, you know, constantly updating one’s Twitter feed these days only leads to unhealthy blood pressure spikes. So, I hope whatever resolutions you’ve made this year lead to a happy and healthy you – both inside and out. And with that, time to get off the Internet and go to bed.

p.s. Fine, basically my resolution is whatever My Fake TV Wife Tina tells me to do.

Wednesday, January 03, 2018

The Badass Is Out There

So, let’s be perfectly frank, the X-Files reboot from two years ago sucked. It really, really sucked. It suuuuuuuuuuuucked. But, here’s the rub. I love Gillian Anderson. Like I really, really love her. Like I looooooooooooove her. And while the new “X-Files” is nowhere near the quality of “The Fall” or “American Gods,” I still feel an obligation to watch whatever impending train wreck of conspiracy theories they put out. Like I’ve invested this much into the damn show, maybe I really should see it to the end (this is the end, right? Please?)

Anyway, no matter how bad it gets (and, I have no doubt it will be bad), at least we have the glorious scene of Agent Dana Scully sliding under a table and then unleashing hot lead on a bunch of bad dudes (fast forward to 1:29 if you just can’t wait). The badass is out there, and it ain’t Mulder.

Tuesday, January 02, 2018

Doctor Feels Amazing

Oh, brilliant. A new year, a new Doctor. Suck it, dudes, your favorite Time Lord is now a lady. It only took 54 years and 12 other men to come to this version of Doctor Who. I’ve come to the realization that any piece of pop culture that makes the fanboys irrationally angry (see: “Ghostbusters,” “The Last Jedi”) makes me incredibly happy. So I have no doubt that I will enjoy Jodie Whittaker as the 13th Doctor. And I very much look forward to what she can do. With Tardis or without.

p.s. Love the look, especially the multiple piercings and – of course – the suspenders.