SGALGG: Wannabe Queer Oscars 2022 Edition

So, fine, some straight people showed up at the Academy Awards, too. I guess. And they were perfectly lovely, for the most part. But, as always, how those Straight Gals love to act like Gay Gals when the fancy dresses (and suits) go on. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And, yes, a few Queer Gals also slip back into this post. But, then, anyone who has ever been to a college party knows Straight Gals can flock to Gay Gals like moths to a flame when the mood strikes. Or so I’ve heard.

And, to be honest, who isn’t happy to see Sarah, Jean and Judith all together again? On y va!

Judith Smart & Judith Light

See, hanging out with Sara has made them want to SGALGG by themselves.

Rosario Dawson & Amu Schumer

Love means always having to share your jalapeno poppers.

Marlee Matlin & Penelope Cruz

Marlee’s clearly saying, “Don’t worry, Penelope. I was on The L Word, I know what to do.”

Billie Eilish & Megan Thee Stallion

Look, people will try to lick you if you wear a dress made out of Reese’s peanut butter cup wrappers.

Zendaya

I don’t even understand the physics of how she can look like this in that suit. But I kind of hope this signals the return of big shouldered 80s broads – in attitude if nothing else.

Nicole Kidman & Jessica Chastain

Getting a little handsy there, Nicole.

Nicole & Zoe Kravitz

Am I sensing a theme with Nic?

Nicole & Ariana DeBose

Theme confirmed.

Now, this part I call, Everybody Loves Ariana (Unlike Chris, ahem)

Ariana & Kirsten Dunst

It’s the intense hand-holding for me.

Ariana & Jessie Buckley

Using that fellow nominee status to sneak in a long embrace, I see.

Ariana & H.E.R.

Now, that would be a ridiculously talented couple.

Ariana & Rita Moreno

I mean, who am I to judge that May-December love?

That's Madam Boss Bitch to You

Well, we all know that “Choose Your Quarantine Fighter” meme by now. (Again, I’m the one who cried in the shower after reading the news.) But some real-life badass quarantine fighting ladies got together to film the ultimate “Boss Bitch Fight Challenge.”

I suggest you go ahead and watch if you haven’t already before reading the rest. But if you don’t mind getting spoiled, get ready to see stuntwoman and actress Zoe Bell fight it out (while maintaining proper social distance) with many of her talented and famous – and might I add fierce – female friends.

Fighting it out are professional stuntwomen and some very famous actresses. They go, in order: Zoe Bell, Lucy Lawless, stuntwoman Tara Macken, Drew Barrymore, Juliette Lewis, stuntwoman Tamiko Brownlee, Rosario Dawson, stuntwoman Amy Johnston, Cameron Diaz, stuntwoman Kim Murphy, Daniela Ruah, stuntwoman Michaela McAllister, Kaitlin Olson, stuntwoman Lauren Mary Kim, Florence Pugh, Zoe again but this time with a puppy, Julia Butters, stuntowman Angela Meryl, stuntwoman Sarah Irwin, Daryl Hannah, Sophia Di Martino, Tracie Thoms, stuntwoman Shauna Duggins, Zoe Saldana, stuntwoman Ming Qiu, Renee Goldsberry, Rosie Perez, Lilly Aspell, Thandie Newton, stuntwoman Mel Stubbs, stuntwoman Jessie Graff, Zoe but this time at her car, stuntwoman Monique Ganderton, Halle Berry, stuntwoman Heidi Moneymaker, Scarlett Johansson, stuntwoman Dayna Grant, Margot Robbie, stuntwoman Renae Moneymaker, KT Tunstall and finally back to Zoe.

Gosh, that was fun. Who was your favorite? I’m still crying in the shower as far as my fighting styles goes. But, I’d gladly have any of these ladies tap in for me at any time. Any time at all.

Fetch Us Our Axes

Fetch us our axe, we’ve all got grinding to do. Look, these are extraordinarily shitty times (To recap: Muslim ban, children in cages, trans military ban, unprecedented corporate tax cuts, eroding LGBTQ civil liberties, vanishing abortion access for all and bodily autonomy for all people with uteruses, lifetime appointments for unqualified and unhinged federal judges, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh, willfully ignoring the looming extinction-level threat of climate change, et al). So we need to take extraordinarily aggressive counteraction. And while I’m not saying we should all take up and axe and smash the patriarchy, literally. But figuratively? Get it ladies. Unleash your Inner Joan Crawford. (Or Inner Buffy, or Inner Johanna, or Inner Tahani, Or Inner Emma Watson, Or Inner Rosario Dawson, Inner Tam-Tam, Inner Walmart Lady, Inner Menstrual Tina Fey, et al.) We’ve got some major chopping to do.



I mean, as Det. Rosa Diaz was saying.



p.s. p.s. Just a reminder, this is my personal blog which I have been writing daily for 13 years without any kind of financial compensation and I in turn provide entirely free to anyone who cares to stop and read without any advertising or other commercial distractions. As such, I say whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want. So if any so-called progressive lesbians want to defend conservatism in the United States here, you are more than welcome to stop reading and leave. Because I will never, ever condone the kind of greedy, small-minded, hate-filled and me-at-all-costs thinking that the G.O.P. and conservatism stands for today.

Kiss This

Hey, want to see two hot ladies make out? No, not like that. This is serious. This is for JOURNALISM! The New York Times magazine gathered 18 actors together to share 9 kisses in celebrations of…of, please, like you need a reason. You’ve got to hand it to The Gray Lady, who else can get a bunch of celebrities to kiss for no good reason? Among them were Jenny Slate and Rosario Dawson. Kristen Stewart is among the other lip lockers, alas, not with a lady as the universe intended. (There’s also a fellas kiss, for the fellas. Equality!) You can see all the kisses here. Or just replay Jenny and Rosario. No, seriously, for JOURNALISM.



p.s. There is also a making of video. Because, you guys, SERIOUS JOURNALISM.

Tank Top Tuesday: Tax Day Edition

Did you do your taxes? Do you still have to do your taxes? Tick tock. To make the day more palatable – because let’s face it even the most bleeding heart socialist money distributors among us don’t enjoy doing our taxes – here are a few little treats. Instead of staring at reams of white receipts, how about staring at some white tank tops. As Liz Hurley attests, this is the exact opposite of a flat tax. Ahem.

Christina Ricci

This makes me sad about “Pan Am.”

Amber HeardEvery time I see her, I have to remind myself that she likes girls – a lot.

Paula PattonShe should really be a bigger star. I mean, seriously.

Scarlett JohanssonA book and boobs a lovely, intelligent lady. My favorite.

Rosario DawsonThe saggy pants epidemic strikes again. Godspeed, Rosario.

Christina AquileraI still miss delightfully trashy Xtina Christina. But sassy judge Christina ain’t bad either.

Megan FoxForgive me, Internet, for I have sinned. I’ve posted another picture of Megan Fox on you. But, in my defense, tank top and aviators. Apologies.

Shania TwainI’m not really a country music fan. But who can be a music snob at a time like this.

Good luck making your peace with Uncle Sam today. I wonder if tank tops are tax deductible.

Tank Top Tuesday

The great thing about tank tops, besides their minimal fabric and maximum hotness, is the way they cling. A tank top knows how to fit the body. It knows where to hug and where to give. It’s a giver like that. So on someone like, say, Hope Solo, a tank top knows to get the hell out of the way, and just let that back do all the talking. Which, not entirely coincidentally, is precisely what I’m going to do as well.

Claudia BlackI probably should have watched “Farscape,” huh?

Nikki ReedI remember Nikki before she was in all this “Twilight” hoo-ha and just wanted to kiss Evan Rachel Wood.

Rosario DawsonRosario is one of the most consistent tank top wearers in the industry. Bless her generous heart.

Elisha CuthbertWho knew she was the kind of girl who liked to get drunk and to eat ribs?

Rhona MitraShe needs to be in more movies where she kicks things’ asses.

Brandi CarlileShe’s in my neck of the woods this week and I was too late to get tickets. No, I’m not crying.

Jenna UshkowitzI’m so glad the “Glee” writers remembered Jenna was on the show last episode.

Naya RiveraSpeaking of things on “Glee” I’m glad for.

Picture perfect

KITTENS! Did you miss me? I missed you! So much! Like crazy! I had an aces vacation though. I got to see Italy for the very first time. I got to wade into the Mediterranean Sea for the very first time. I ate pretty much every carb I could find across five countries. I learned that instead of exchanging our worthless dollars for Euros, Americans should just bring suitcases full of Converse and Coca-Cola to barter with instead. And, of course, I took lots and lots of pictures. Pictures of the beautiful Tuscan landscape. Pictures of the impossibly azure water. Pictures of food, glorious food. And, yes, even a few pictures of myself. (If you’re so inclined, you can catch a few of my holiday snaps over at Ms. Snarker Regrets.) What I learned is that taking good pictures is hard and that I should probably stick to this word thing. But that’s not to dissuade others from lifting a lens. And, if the lady behind said lens happens to be lovely herself – like the luscious Rosario Dawson – well, all the better. Say cheese, darlings.

Marion CotillardLight, camera, drool.

Naomi WattsMy what a big…lens you have. Yes, lens, definitely lens.

Diane KrugerThis is exactly how I looked reviewing my vacation pictures in the hotel room. And by “exactly,” I mean that I too had a suitcase and a camera.

Kristen BellSome Kristens seen perennially sunny in front of a camera.

Kristen StewartSome do not.

Helena Bonham CarterOh, Helena, if I was wearing that outfit I’d insist on being the one behind the camera as well.

Penelope CruzThere should, however, be some sort of law that Penelope only gets to be on the receiving end of a camera lens.

Mena SuvariWhere’d she go? Remember when she was everywhere?

Drew BarrymoreHey, it’s Thursday. And nothing says, “Welcome back from vacation,” like a little Gender Fuck.

It’s good to be back, kittens. It’s good to be back.