Vive la France

@gala.fr #macron #georgeslucas #jodiefoster #onregardequoi #whattowatch ♬ I Think I Like When It Rains - WILLIS

Did you know Jodie got a fancy award from French President Emmanuel Macron this month? Truly, these days you can only go overseas to accept any kind of presidential award. Ain’t no way she’s coming anywhere near the stick-on-gold White House these days. Also, well done receiving the Legion of Honor alongside Sigourney Weaver. Again, I ask, can this moment be the timeline? Pretty please?

@gala.fr #macron #sigourneyweaver #jodiefoster #onregardequoi #whattowatch ♬ Linger - The Cranberries

SGALGG/GGALGG: Oscars Edition

Told ya it was coming. So outside of Janelle Monae representing for queer black artists to start the shows, the Oscars were a pretty straight affair. At least, what we saw on television was pretty straight. As we all know, hand out a few shiny trophies and let the champagne flow and suddenly Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals are everywhere – or at least everywhere in the eye of the beholder. But, as has been a welcome trend these last few years, there also actual Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Queer women came out in their finest this Oscar season. So it appears even lesbians and bisexual women are attracted to golden naked men. Who knew.

Brie Larson, Sigourney Weaver & Gal Gadot

I’m not really a threesome person, but YES PLEASE LET ME WATCH.

Laura Dern & Renee Zellweger

Bridget Jones’s Later-in-Life Lesbianism

Scarlett Johansson & Florence Pugh

It’s so unfair they’ve cast Florence Pugh and Rachel Weisz in the new “Black Widow” movie, because now I have to see it.

Geena Davis & Sandra Oh

No, they’re not doing anything particularly gay. But they’re Geena Davis and Sandra Oh standing together in beautiful dresses. So, duh, gay interest.

Natalie Portman

No, Natalie isn’t doing anything particularly gay. But she has the names of all the female directors snubbed this year for the Oscars embroidered on her coat hem in a sign of feminist solidarity and as we all know any feminism worth a damn is intersectional which means it would include the concerns of POC and the LGBTQ community. So, duh, gay interest.

Regina King

No, Regina isn’t doing anything particularly gay. But have you seen her arms and that dress? So, duh, gay interest.

Salma Hayek & Penelope Cruz

I’ve had dreams that started like this, Part I.

Margot Robbie & Charlize Theron

The strong top energy coming off Charlize as she watches over Margot reading her program is palpable.

Jessica Alba & Sofía Vergara

I’ve had dreams that started like this, Part II.

Greta Gerwig & Saoirse Ronan

I’m usually not cool with maestros getting handsy with their ingénue’s, but you know what? I’ll allow it.

Jane Fonda & Olivia Colman

Women of a certain age can totally get it.

GGALGG: Oscars Edition

Janelle Monae & Billy Porter

It’s like we’re witnessing the coolest wizard convention in the universe.

Beanie Feldstein & Kaitlyn Dever

Out queer actress who played straight with her straight actress friend who played gay.

Janet Mock, Lena Waithe & Rashida Jones

Proof that LGBTQ people totally still like straight people.

Maria Bello & Dominique Crenn

Mazel tov to the newly engaged couple!

Tessa Thompson & Amandla Stenberg

Just two incredibly talented, out, black queer actresses dancing at an Oscars party in the year 2020. Sometimes, it’s almost like we are living in the future.

Meet Your New Princesses

Well, it’s official. Disney has completed its $71.3 billion acquisition of 21st Century Fox’s vast film and TV properties (but not Fox News – a.k.a. Trump’s Gorilla Channel – unfortunately). What that means is there are a whoooooole lotta new Disney princesses running around this world than there were last week. For instance, Buffy Summers is now a member of the Disney princess pantheon. What, ex-cheerleaders from Southern California Hellmouths who died and came back can totally be princesses. I mean, she already had the kicky boots and everything.

The one thing I can say for sure is there will be a lot more weapons training at the Disney princess slumber parties moving forward.



Mulan is already down with these new activities, obviously.



And Merida is very excited to check out Buffy’s crossbow collection.



But what I’m most looking forward to is the nice, long conversation Willow plans to have with Elsa.



Though, I must admit, Buffy will have some competition for the Fiercest New Disney Princess title with Bernadine Harris.



And, it goes without saying, Ripley is high up there, too.



But, if we’re really being honest, no one beats new Disney Queen Dr. Frank N. Furter. No one.

Flame On

Welcome to your Monday. May you all enter this week with the kind of ferocity as Sigourney Weaver test firing a flamethrower for the filming of “Alien.”

p.s. Also, this means every time you see Ripley wielding a flamethrower in “Alien,” that fucker is the real fucking deal. Have a badass week, all.

My Moving Crush

My entire life is sitting around me in cardboard boxes and the bottle opener is missing and the TV and Internet still aren’t working and the only thing keeping me going is the thought of Kate McKinnon and Sigourney Weaver slow-dancing together in perfect little circles around the “Ghostbusters” set.

Oh Boy

Uh, so this seems like a bad idea – right? There is a new movie in production called “Tomboy, a Revenger’s Tale” that “centers on an ace assassin who is double-crossed by gangsters and falls into the hands of rogue surgeon known as ‘The Doctor,’ who turns him into a woman. The hitman (now a hitwoman) sets out for revenge…” Now, it’s hard to fully judge given that all we have is a two-sentence synopsis right now, but who read those two sentences and said, “Yes!” in the first place? If I’m reading that right this is a film about a forced gender reassignment surgery and subsequent revenge fantasy. Like I was saying, this seems like a bad idea – right?

But what’s throwing me for the biggest loop about this movie is that it will star Michelle Rodriguez (as the assassin) and Sigourney Weaver (as the surgeon). I KNOW! Two of the female action biggest bad-asses in the world. Under almost any other circumstances I’d be thrilled that these two were going to star opposite one another. But this transgender sex reassignment as punishment that must be avenged hooey is, well, hooey.

GLAAD has already issues a statement saying as much. Why couldn’t this have just been a story about a trans hitwoman? Or a story about a tomboy assasin? Heck, even a revenge story about a wanted (though botched – à la “Hedwig and the Angry Inch”) gender reassignment surgery would have been better. But this? Yeah, this seems like a bad idea. And that ain’t right.

Vacation Vixen: Sigourney Weaver

Sure, I loved Ripley and the “Alien” movies. But I would have also watched a whole franchise of Sigourney snuggling kitties in space. Who wouldn’t? Happy weekend, all.

p.s. And thus ends my Week 1 black & white theme.

You must be this tall to ride

Here’s a little-known fact about Jodie Foster – she is part garden gnome. Now, I can say this as I myself am also part garden gnome. It’s a short thing. Still we of the small stature (and occasional pointy red hats) have assimilated amazingly well into normal society. Sure, sometimes we need to climb onto the shelving at Target to reach the toilet paper – seriously, do they need to put it that high? But otherwise we roam among the normal heighted with ease and confidence, oftentimes blissfully unaware of our inherent height inequity. That is until we have to take a picture. And then, alas, then it becomes all too clear. We’re garden gnomes and everyone else is gardeners. Jodie, honey, I feel your pain. And I, too, have an inordinate amount of step-stools in my house. Your secret is safe with me. I would never share all the rare photographic evidence of I’ve collected of “Gnomie” Foster mingling in the wild with the tall, tall world. Oh, wait.

Jodie & Olivia WildeI wonder how many mountain oxen Jodie dreamed of strangling while in Olivia’s towering presence.

Jodie & Kathryn BigelowWell, this isn’t even fair. Her name is BIGelow.

Jodie & Julia RobertsJodie seems to be fearfully eyeballing Julia to make sure she doesn’t step on her.

Jodie & Sigourney WeaverSigourney is clearly wishing her dress had pockets so she could put Jodie in hers and take her home.

Jodie & Queen LatifahEvery queen needs her noble gnome.

Jodie & Goldie HawnTall blonde.

Jodie & Melanie GriffithTaller blonde.

Jodie & Daryl HannahTallest blonde – though perfect eye-to-bust height.

Jodie & Sharon StoneSharon clearly has a gnome fetish.

Jodie & Kristen StewartShe played her young daughter, now taller.

Jodie & Jena MaloneShe played her younger self, now taller.

Jodie & Tom CruiseCome on, she even makes Tom Cruise look giant.

Jodie & Holly HunterFinally, Jodie is among her kind.

We garden gnomes are a proud people. But, yes, we will let you help up get that bowl off the top shelf.

Always a bridesmaid

Unless all the other nominees fall into a “Rabbit Hole” (puns, puns!) and therefore clear the field for a Nicole Kidman upset, whoever wins for best actress or supporting actress this year will be taking home her very first shiny naked gold man. Well, fine, I don’t want to make any assumptions about these women’s sexual peccadilloes so to be safe let us say their first shiny naked gold man named Oscar – without private parts or facial features, and holding a sword. Right, so my point is that the vast majority of the actresses nominated for Academy Awards this year haven’t won before. No wins for Annette Bening, no wins for Natalie Portman, no wins for Helena Bonham Carter, no wins for Amy Adams. Nada. But that could all change for two lucky ladies. (Though until then, please feel free to ogle their award-winning tank top form as a consolation prize.)

Still, there are so many other ridiculously talented actresses who won’t have that chance this year and are likewise trophyless. Like, did you know Greta Garbo and Judy Garland never won an acting Oscar? No wonder Garbo wanted to be left alone – the shame. And there are plenty of modern-day actresses who have never gotten their proper due. Here is a look at a ten of today’s continual bridesmaids, never a bride when it comes to the shiny naked golden man.

Julianne Moore

Julianne has been nominated four times (“The End of the Affair,” “Boogie Nights,” “Far From Heaven,” “The Hours”). More often than not, Moore picks interesting, off-beat projects over commercial, big-budget offerings. And she is ready and quite convincing at playing gay from “The Hours” to “The Private Lives of Pippa Lee” to “Chloe” and “The Kids Are All Right.”She should have been nominated alongside Annette. I mean, if she can make a totally ludicrous stalker flick like “Chloe” watchable, she should have a whole separate room in her house just to hold all of her Oscars already.

Glenn Close

Glenn Close has not won an Oscar. Yeah, let that sink into the little gray cells. Five nominations (“The World According to Garp,” “The Big Chill,” “The Natural,” “Fatal Attraction,” “Dangerous Liasons”) and no wins yet Mira Sorvino, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Roberto Benigni all have acting Oscars.

Sigourney Weaver

Everything I said above, ditto. Three nominations for Sigourney (“Aliens,” “Gorillas in the Mist,” “Working Girl”) and no wins. Don’t make her get into that hydraulic robot suit from “Aliens” and crush some heads, people.

Naomi Watts

The first time I saw Naomi was in the dream within a nightmare within a blue box that was “Mulholland Dr.” When she made the transformation from Betty to Diane, I didn’t even recognize her for a minute. And then I knew – I knew this one was special. Only one nomination so for “21 Grams,” but that’ll change. It has to.

Angela Bassett

Angela only has one nomination for 1993’s searing “What’s Love Got to Do With It,” but that’s not for lack of talent but the paucity of strong roles for actresses of color, period. Come on, she’s been giving us two tickets to the gun show for years, the least we could do is invite her to a few more award shows.

Michelle Pfeiffer

I think the problem with Michelle is that she is so damn beautiful that sometimes you forget she can act. Three nominations (“Dangerous Liasons,” “The Fabulous Baker Boys,” “Love Field”) prove she can. But once you see that face, you’re all, “Um, wait, what were we talking about?”

Laura Linney

Laura is one of those people I fear will never win because she is always good, always. In fact, she is so good we take her for granted. But being that consistent isn’t luck, it’s hard work – like her three nominated roles (“You Can Count on Me,” “Kinsey,” “The Savages”). Well, at least she is doing well for herself on TV.

Catherine Keener

Nominated twice (“Being John Malkovich,” “Capote”), Catherine is another one of those unendingly dependable actresses. But just because it looks easy, doesn’t mean it is. Also, dude, she’s Dawn Denbo’s sister.

Salma Hayek

Don’t let the accent fool you, Salma is good. Her one nominated turn in “Frida” was great. And – think about it nominating committees – why would you ever pass up the opportunity to have Salma in a form-fitting ball gown on your red carpet? That opportunity you’re missing is golden.

Lauren Bacall

In 1996, when Lauren lost in an upset to Juliette Binoche after her first and only nomination for “The Mirror Has Two Face,” you could almost see her mentally telling Juliette to put her lips together and blow.

So many snubs, so many ways that blows.