Friday, September 28, 2018

My Weekend Crush

Man, yesterday was rough. This weekend may well be rougher as Senate Republicans plow through with a vote on Brett Kavanaugh. So here is some goodness and light to remind you the world isn’t only filled with angry, entitled white men screaming about how they deserve a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court. Earlier this week, which seems like 63 million years ago, Meghan Duggan and Gillian Apps – the respective captains of the U.S. and Canadian women’s teams – got married. In case you need a reminder, the U.S. and Canadian teams are fierce, fierce rivals on the ice. It was also a reminder that people on different teams don’t always have to hate each other. In fact, sometimes they can respect and even love one another. Now wouldn’t that be nice? Of course to get love and respect you have to earn it. And to earn it you have to be honest and fair and kind and treat all as equals. And then, and only then, will you have to be able to look across the ice or an aisle and see your true love. Mazel tov, ladies. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. Is the ice the U.S. and Canadian hockey teams play on made of Love Potion No. 9? Because this is actually the second married Team U.S. and Team Canada captains. Last year former U.S. captain Julie Chu and former Canada captain Caroline Ouellette welcomed a girl to their family.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Holding Out For A Shero

We all need this today. We all need this everyday. Stay strong, ladies. Don’t let the privileged rich white male conservative bastards get you down.

p.s. If you are feeling despondent or traumatized by today's hearing please call RAINN at (800) 656-4773.

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

De-Pants Delights

Here is Ellen DeGeneres encouraging Cate Blanchett to take off her pants. Alternately, here is Cate Blanchett telling Ellen DeGeneres she keeps popping out of her pants. You are welcome. Also, if you keep watching, you will see Cate Blanchett curse in Ellen DeGeneres’ ear and then Ellen DeGeneres curse back into Cate Blanchett’s ear. Oh yeah, these ladies are one martini away from having a full gloved lunch.

Also, here is Cate Blanchett discussing not wearing underwear on a roller coaster. I take everything back, Ellen and Cate have totally had a gloved lunch already.

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Crazy Rich Gaysians

Well, here’s a Surrenders first. I’m going to post about “The Bachelor.” But, wait, it’s not the American “Bachelor,” thank goodness. Instead it is the Vietnemese version because we’ve infected the world with our terrible, horrible reality TV. But for once, it wasn’t the normal parade of bland heteronomative love rituals. For once, shit got gay.

I’m not going to lie, I would watch an entire movie about these two contestant’s romance. Seriously, someone make this movie. It could be “Crazy Rich Gaysians.” Someone, do this. I am not above begging.

Granted, in real life Truc Nhu apparently went back to the “Bachelor” and continued with the show. But, you know, that’s why we need a movie. We make the love stories we deserve.

Monday, September 24, 2018

I Believe Christine Blasey Ford

Look, I don’t know what is going to happen when/if Professor Christine Blasey Ford goes before the Senate Judiciary Committee to recount her attempted rape at the hands of Brett Kavanaugh. And I don’t know how yesterday’s new allegation of sexual assault by Deborah Ramirez will impact the proceedings. But I know institutionally not that much has changed since 1991 when Anita Hill went before the Senate Judiciary Committee to recount the sexual harassment she faced from Clarence Thomas.

How little has changed? Well, for starters, three members of the committee back then remain on the committee today some 27 years later. They are Republican Senators Chuck Grassley (now the committee chairman) and Orrin Hatch and Democratic Senator Patrick Leahy, to be exact. Back then there were exactly zero women on the committee. Today there are four: Democratic Senators Dianne Feinstein, Amy Klobuchar, Mazie Hirono and Kamala Harris. But on the Republican side it’s just 11 white dudes, per usual.

What else hasn’t changed? Well, our cultural response to accusations of sexual assault a rape sure hasn’t. Why didn’t you stop it? What were you doing? Were you drunk? What were you wearing? Why didn’t you come forward sooner? Why didn’t you, the victim, do XYZ. And, alternately, there’s the boys will be boys defense. He was just 17! How can he be expected not to assault a female classmate? Why should this one thing ruin the rest of his life? Also, he was drunk! (Notice how being drunk puts you at fault if you are a woman and exonerates you if you are a man. Funny how that works.)

But what do we have to change? Clearly, the outcome. Back then, Committee Chairman Joe Biden (yes, that Biden) essentially threw her to the wolves while overseeing the sham hearing. And Clarence Thomas was confirmed and sits on the court to this day. And even Biden has apologized to Hill and for his behavior because it is such a shameful chapter in our national discourse.

Look, America, this isn’t hard. A man stands poised, at age 53, to sit on the court for the rest of his life. His rulings will impact how this country functions on the most basic of levels for generations. How we work, how we love. Who is protected, who is victimized. What is allowed, what is not allowed.

Should a man who has a credible accusation of attempted rape against him be given the privilege of that lifetime appointment to the highest court in the land? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Should a man who has a credible accusation of attempted rape against him be allowed to shape our government for generations? Abso-fucking-lutely not.

Do I believe Professor Christine Blasey Ford? Abso-fucking-lutely yes.

Friday, September 21, 2018

My Weekend Crush

By my count since the beginning of time and modern motion pictures we have had five major standalone female superhero films. “Supergirl” in 1984. “Catwoman” in 2004. “Elektra” in 2005. “Wonder Woman” in 2017. And now “Captain Marvel” coming in 2019. By comparison, we’ve had like 5,000 major standalone male superhero films – just in the Spider-Man franchise alone (kidding, kidding – there have only been 2,500 Spider-Man films).

So it feels good to get excited about “Captain Marvel.” We deserve this feeling. We’ve waited a long time for this flush of power and excitement. It’s like, my goddess, is this what dudes feel like all the time? Like they can fly and shoot pure light energy out of their arms/eyes/hair?

And Captain Marvel is giving Themyscira a run for its money in the content relevant to your queer lady interests. Let us count the ways.

1) This is the “Top Gun” reboot we deserve and demand.

2) Her whole 90s lesbian cap/leather jacket aesthetic.

3) Her cat/alien pet Chewie makes a cameo in the poster.

4) She plays softball/baseball.

5) She will happily hit an old lady. (This isn’t gay, per se, but it does fill me with glee.)

6) Her name is freaking Carol. I mean, come on.

In conclusion, bring on March 2019. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. Anyone else find a striking similarity between this goosebump-inducing stand-up sequence and Buffy’s iconic “Are you ready to be strong?”-speech? Yeah, I thought so, too.

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Brought To You By The Letters G-A-Y

Look, I am not hugely personally invested in whether Bert & Ernie are gay (they are). But I think it’s odd how much “Sesame Street” seems invested in denying the idea that Bert & Ernie are gay (because, again, they are).

Earlier this week a former “Sesame Street” writer Mark Saltzman – who started in 1984 and spent 15 years writing for the Muppets – confirmed to Queerty the he wrote the iconic duo as a loving gay couple.

“I always felt that without a huge agenda, when I was writing Bert & Ernie, they were. I didn’t have any other way to contextualize them…. So I don’t think I’d know how else to write them, but as a loving couple.”
He said he modeled the two after his own relationship, with his then partner Arnold Glassman partner who was nicknamed Arnie. Hello, Mark & Arnie/Bert & Ernie. Saltzman went on to say:
“That’s what I had in my life, a Bert & Ernie relationship. How could it not permeate? The things that would tick off Arnie would be the things that would tick off Bert. How could it not? I will say that I would never have said to the head writer, “oh, I’m writing this, this is my partner and me.” But those two, Snuffalupagus, because he’s the sort of clinically depressed Muppet…you had characters that appealed to a gay audience. And Snuffy, this depressed person nobody can see, that’s sort of Kafka! It’s sort of gay closeted too.”
No sooner has this tiny sliver of happiness entered the public discourse when both “Sesame Street” and famed Muppeteer Frank Oz himself (who first portrayed Bert) released statements squashing the idea that Bert and Ernie were gay, in a relationship or had sexual orientations to begin with.

“Sesame Street” tweeted a statement:
“As we have always said, Bert and Ernie are best friends. They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves. Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most ‘Sesame Street’ Muppets do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation.”
Frank Oz tweeted one too:
“It seems Mr. Mark Saltzman was asked if Bert & Ernie are gay. It’s fine that he feels they are. They’re not, of course. But why that question? Does it really matter? Why the need to define people as only gay? There’s much more to a human being than just straightness or gayness.”
So, yeah, there’s a lot to unpack here. But the main thing is some Muppets absolutely have a sexual orientation. Miss Piggy & Kermit the Frog. Oscar the Grouch & Grundgetta. And I maintain the Mahna Mahna gals are absolutely a couple – you know how lesbians start to look alike and all.

Now, I get it. Not everything has to be sexualized in this world – particularly children’s programming. But accepting that, yes, LGBTQ people exist is emphatically NOT sexualizing children’s programming. It’s revealing the world as it is. Gay people exist. Lesbians exist. Trans people exist. Bisexuals exist. Non-binary people exist. We’re not make believe. We exist.

So when a straight white male says, “Why the need to define people as only gay?” I take some issue. We don’t want to be defined as only gay. We want to be fully realized people who are gay. We want the totality of our existence acknowledged, which includes our sexual orientation. We want to be accepted and treated as equal because we are human beings who deserve to be accepted and treated as equal.

That means representing us on the media and our popular culture and our politics, et al. Yes, even on children’s programming because – again – LGBTQ people exist and deserve to be seen. Straight couples get to be represented without question on “Sesame Street.” Indeed Oz’s, “They’re not, of course,” poo-pooing of Bert & Ernie’s possible gayness comes from a place of assumed straightness. Of course, they’re straight. Duh!

Plus, let’s be super honest here, Muppets don’t wear pants and get fisted all day long. So, you know, perhaps don’t get so defensive about their sexuality and just let their freak flags fly.

Fine, so maybe I am a tad more personally invested in Bert & Ernie being gay than I thought. (Because, again, they are.)

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

SGALGG: Emmys Edition

Go Emmys, it’s your SGALGG Day. Go Emmys, it’s your SGALGG Day. Look, sometimes I run out of smart things to say. But, luckily, not out of things to show you. So here, without further ado-ing, your 2018 Emmy Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals.

Rachel Brosnahan Claire Foy, Tiffany Haddish & Angela Bassett

Is it just me, or does this look like Tiffany and Angela are inviting Rachel* to the most amazing threesome ever?

*Damn, Rachel and Claire were both working that short, slicked back brunette thing so from the side I sleepily mistook them. So they should probably make it a foursome is all I am saying.

Sandra Oh & Jessica Biel

Look out, Justin. Sandra is clearly explaining to Jessica the benefits of falling in obsessive love with a beautiful psychopathic assassin.

Amanda Crew & Suzanne Cryer

This feels like what Sporty Spice would wear to the Emmys if she came out and started dating Posh.

Angela Sarafyan & Stefani Robinson

Because I don’t know why Angela from “Westworld” and Stefani with “Atlanta” are posing together I’ll just assume it is because they are dating. Please don’t tell me otherwise.

Nina Kiri & Madeline Brewer

When you see your girlfriend on the red carpet looking super hot and neither of you are in Gilead.

Millie Bobbie Brown & Emilia Clarke

Fine, so Eleven and Daenerys aren’t doing anything particularly gay together. But both their characters project Big Dyke Energy, so there’s that.

Alex Borstein & Her Emmy

I mean, performing cunnilingus in public on your Emmy is also a pretty B.D.E. move.

Laurie Metcalf & Alex Borstein

Though, I guess Laurie Metcalf checking out your rack in front of everyone has a confidence boosting effect.

Chrissy Teigen & Gina Rodriguez

The moment you realize how great it feels to press your whole lady body against another whole lady body.

And now time for a brand new segment called “Straight Girls Acting Like Gay Gals With Sarah Paulson” or SGALGGWSP.

Sarah & Connie Britton

Connie to Sarah: “Look, we’d be great together in ‘American Horny Story’ is all I’m saying.”

Sarah & Claire Foy

Claire to Sarah: “Look, you’re the Supreme. I’m the Queen. We could really make this work.”

Sarah & Felicity Huffman

Felicity to Sarah: “Look, I’m not saying I’d do anything for you. But I was on a show with ‘Desperate’ in the title.”

Sarah & Jessica Biel

Jessica to Sarah: “Look, I’m really the one in the family who knows how to rock a body – if you know what I mean.”

Sarah & Holland

Holland to Sarah: “Look at those poor dears, like they ever had a chance.”

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

My Big Gay Emmys

I don’t know much. But I know this. The Emmys should have stopped the show mid-stream and made Hannah Gadsby the host. Or Kate McKinnon. Or Tiffany Haddish. Or basically any woman who was not the dudebro Weekend Update dudes. But at least the awards ended on time, which is something. And despite the lackluster dude hosts, there were still some genuinely good moments. Heck, even straight people had a nice moment with that Emmy proposal.

So here are the queerest Emmy moments and Emmy attendees most pertinent to your gay lady interests.

Kate McKinnon was tragically underused in that whole “We Solved it” song. But at least she looked great with her stand-in date Betty White.

Hannah Gadsby should have hosted. Hannah Gadsby should have hosted. Hannah Gadsby should have hosted. Hannah Gadsby should have hosted. Hannah Gadsby should have hosted. Did I mention Hannah Gadsby should have hosted?

Samira Wiley is sunshine in a sparkly dress.

Evan Rachel Wood’s commitment to suit-based fashion on the red carpet is extremely commendable.

Props to Lily Tomlin for getting in a little Gina Rodriguez snuggle.

Carrie Brownstein doing queer women proud by coming in a dress with pockets.

My greatest hope – besides flipping the House and Senate and impeaching Trump/Pence – is that Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer make Abbi and Ilana endgame on “Broad City.”

Tatiana Maslany sees Carrie’s dress with pockets and raises everyone a sensible pants and top paying homage to lesbian favorite “The Gynmast.”

Tiffany Haddish’s big top dress is almost the best Pride outfit ever.

Please, you thought I would post about the Emmys and not include a photo of My Fake TV/Movie Wife Tina Fey?

Sandra Oh, who was viciously robbed of the best actress in a drama Emmy, brought her parents as her dates and her mother wore a traditional Korean hanbok dress which *heart eyes emojis forever*.

Some gratuitous Regina King arm porn for your viewing enjoyment.

Also for your viewing enjoyment, Angela Bassett. It should be noted that Angela turned 60 last month which HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

All hail the Queen and Queen of Lesbian Couples. Long may they reign.

p.s. Don’t worry, kittens. SGALGG is coming tomorrow. Oh yeah, it’s coming.

Monday, September 17, 2018

Work It, Sis

Do you want a little joy? Do you want an endless smile? Would you like a reminder of the power of music, art and just enjoying each other’s company? Then please heartily enjoy newfound viral sensation Mary Halsey performing Missy Elliott’s “Work It.” She went viral last month when none other than Missy herself took note of her performance and dubbed her her “FUNKY WHITE SISTER” on social media. So, of course, an invitation to Ellen followed and the rest was, well, definitely worth it. And they could work it. Now, see, a little joy does the soul good at the start of another week. Now get out there and “Ti esrever dna ti pilf, nwod gniht ym tup!”

Friday, September 14, 2018

My Weekend Crush

I haven’t stopped thinking about last Saturday’s U.S. Open Women’s Finals between Serena Williams and Naomi Osaka. What started as a brilliant display of female athleticism and excellence ended as a pathetic display of the fragile male ego and persistent double standard women everywhere face in their personal and professional lives. That it played out on the grandest of slam stages only further highlights a persistent and pernicious problem for 51 percent of the population.

Here were two women, at the top of their respective games, battling it out. And we, the spectators, were lucky enough to see it all unfold. Until, that is, the chair umpire decided to inset himself in their match. Why? Well, first he warned Serena that she had been coached when her coach in the stands made a hand signal which she undoubtedly did not see. And then, he took away a point when she smashed her racket in frustration. And, finally, he took away a whole game after she called him a “thief” for taking the aforementioned point.

Now, granted, if you stick with the letter of the rules he may have been within his right. But if you think about everything that has transpired in men’s – from the storied celebration of such blowhards as McEnroe and Connors and other men in this sport – it was an imperious punishment for a relatively minor offence. Seriously, just for calling the umpire a thief? Guess this dude never worked in fast food. I’ve heard more vicious and unrelenting rants at McDonalds when someone forgets the fries in an order.

But then, that’s what happen when women – particularly women of color – dare to challenge male authority. Instead of letting these two women play it out, he inserted himself. He unnecessarily made his presence felt. And in doing so he robbed both Serena and Naomi of what should have been a historic match. He did not give Serena the benefit of the doubt and he did not give Naomi her rightful moment. It tainted her win (though, believe me, I think she would have won because she was playing so brilliantly). It robbed them of the honest result, the honest victory, the honest loss. He stole this from two women of color at the pinnacle of their profession. So, yes, he was a thief.

Still, what happened after the match is just as extraordinary – but in a good way. At the trophy ceremony Serena implored the crowd to stop booing. She asked the crowd to celebrate Naomi’s win instead. She put her arm around her. She encouraged her. She comforted her. She made her feel like the champion she was.

This is women – particularly, again, women of color – carrying the emotional weight of progress on their backs. Carrying it an inch, a foot, a mile at a time toward full equality, against sexism, against racism. Smashing the patriarchy one tennis racket at a time.

What Serena said in her press conference, this is the work and the struggle. This is the distillation of intersectional feminism – to fight for our and the next generation’s right to live in a world without having to deal with the same sexist and racist bullshit over and over again. For men and women to be treated and respected and officiated the same way.

Alas, we still live in a world where men who argue are passionate and women who argue are hysterical. Men are strong, women are angry. Men are fired up, women are in meltdown.

That’s how a champion wins, no matter what the scoreboard says. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. Naomi Osaka is a pure delight. Watch all of this and seethe a little more at what he stole from her. Thief indeed.

p.p.s. To the commenter who used the handle "Margaret Court" and wanted me to post an article by Martina Navratilova, here is a link to an article where Martina Navratilova calls out Margaret Court as a "racist and homophobe." Enjoy!

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Gender Fuck Thursday: Tux & Tails Edition

Well now, here is a trend I can 100 percent get behind. Please behold the majesty of actresses showing up on the red carpet in full black tuxedos – with tails, even. Yes, of course, actresses in tuxedos isn’t necessarily a new trend (Marlene and Josephine say hello). But I greatly appreciate its increased arrival on red carpets of late. Which, of course, begs the question – who tuxed it best?

Blake Lively

I mean, it’s almost unfair. She’s gotten so much practice in “A Simple Favor.” But the cane and top hat really put this in another league.

Daisy Ridley

The Tuxedo Force is strong with this one. Plus, she already looks like the emcee at a fancy, old-timey cabaret.

Evan Rachel Wood

Is it fair if she pulls out the finger guns?

Janelle Monae

I mean, it’s not a top hat. But it is still a vey impressive hat.

Anne Hathaway

We knew Anne knew how to work a tux back after that what-the-fuck-is-James-Franco-even-doing-there Oscar co-hosting debacle. But I’m not sure how much we fully knew how hot daddy Prince of Genovia posing with her future queen for the royal engagement photos well Anne could work a tux.

Cate Blanchett

By standing next to this Christmas tree in this tux, Cate has decreed that all future Christmas movies be lesbian movies. So is it written, so shall it be.

Right, so as I was saying, who tuxed it best?

Trick question, they’re all winners. But, if you really think about it, aren’t we the real winners? Yeah. We sure are.