Friday, November 15, 2019

My Weekend Crush

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a billionaire times - corporations are not your friend. Corporations care about money, period. Their only goal is to sell you something to make more money. But, having said that, it is also true that corporations follow the zeitgeist. And as such, they can be a reflection of our values. And, on the rarest of rare occasions, they can make art that moves us in the most unexpected ways. (Again, with the end goal being to make money, but I digress.)

So imagine my surprise when the best lesbian film of 2019 so far is a dialogue-less, 2-minute car commercial from French automaking corporation Renault. I am not being hyperbolic when I say I would watch a whole movie about these two women. Hell, I would watch a multi-season show about these two women. In fact, I kind of demand it. Look, if you can’t beat late stage capitalism, at least let’s milk it for all the nuanced, poignant and moving looks at queer women in love we can get. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, November 14, 2019

Lucy In the Studio With Lesbians

Look, I’ve known Lucy Liu was an abstract artist for several years now thanks to her penchant for painting in a tank top. (See, unlike Tig I’m a lesbian who picks up on the REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF, duh.) But I did not realize that some of that art included tasteful shunga art (a traditional style of Japanese erotic artwork) that includes - wait for it - beautiful lesbian imagery.

In fact, Lucy has been showing her artwork since before she was a household name. According to a Hollywood Reporter profile on her artwork earlier this year, she studied art at the New York Studio School and has been showing her work publicly since the mid-1990s. And her rather graphic, if still abstract, erotic art features women loving women, as well as women and men in sexual embraces.



She told THR her sexual paintings were “ruminations on her upbringing in a family where sex and nudity were taboo.” OK, sure. But can we go back and talk a little about the women loving women stuff? Because, as far as I know, Lucy is single (a single mom of son Rockwell in fact) sooooo… I’m just saying, we already know Lucy loves a nice suit. Single queer ladies who live in New York, should the opportunity ever arise, please shoot your shot.

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

Shame, Shame, Shame

Look, I like Tig Notaro a lot. But we’re definitely going to have to take away her Lesbian Card for not recognizing Lena Headey. Like, at all. I mean, I realize this could all be a bit. Is it a bit? Or perhaps she really is living under a rock and does not watch and TV or movies. Also, what’s with people in the entertainment industry who don’t watch TV or movies?

It’s not just that she doesn’t recognize Lena as Cersei Lannister from “Game of Thrones.” NO, the unforgivable sin is not recognizing Luce, a.k.a. Every Lesbian’s Favorite Florist, from “Imagine Me & You.” I mean, come on, Tig. That’s just Lesbianism 101. Shame, indeed.

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Kate-Cat Club

Two days of good TV news? And this one features Kate McKinnon and cats? What is this, Lesbian Christmas? So Kate, everyone’s favorite presidential nominee impersonator and avowed lover of cats is starring in a podcast-turned-TV show about the world of exotic cats for Hulu. I know, that is not a sentence I expected to type either. The new series, based on the Wondery podcast “Joe Exotic,” will star Kate as a real-life big cat lover named Carole Baskin who seeks to expose fellow real-life exotic cat enthusiast Joe "Exotic" Schreibvogel as an illegal breeder and animal abuser. And then things got really weird when Joe Exotic hired a hitman to kill Carole. And did I mention there’s a very prominent mullet involved (though not on Carole, thankfully)? Yeah, Kate + Big Cats + Murderous Mullet Men = imma watch the heck out of this crazyass show.

Monday, November 11, 2019

How You Like Them Peaches?

Welcome to Monday. Would you like some good news? Of course you would! And you deserve it, much like you deserve a “League of Their Own” series to come to television. Which is exactly what’s happening, courtesy “Broad City” alum Abbi Jacobson who is developing the series (with, it should be noted, the blessing of Geena Davis and the late Penny Marshall) for Amazon. More good news? Abbi will start along the best “Not a Girl, Not a Robot” in the universe D’Arcy Carden. *pauses for squeals of delight*

The new series will be a half-hour comedy, but also reportedly delve “deeper into the issues facing the country” in 1943 at the time of the formation of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League. Can we get a hell yes? Janet, some celebratory confetti please? Now, let’s start a wish list for other players we want on the team this time around. Definitely they need gay ladies. Definitely they need ladies of color (yeah, that one throwing the ball back scene was nice and all, but yeah). And if they find a way for Geena or Lori Petty to guest star, well, I would not be mad one little bit. Janet, please make that happen and start working on your fastball.

Friday, November 08, 2019

My Weekend Crush

I have not endorsed any candidate yet in the Democratic primary for president. And, regardless of who ends up winning the nomination, I will vote for her…or him – if we must (but maybe not Tulsi, she’s a Republican/Russian asset anyway). What I will say in the SNL primary I think Kate McKinnon’s Warren is definitely winning and has my vote. And both in real life and SNL, my favorite thing about her is how freaking scared and whiny she makes billionaires. Like, for real, they’re terrified of her. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. Whoddathunk the damn Democratic primary would have more billionaires running than the Republicans? I mean, we all know Donald isn’t really a billionaire anyway because if he were he’d let us see his taxes/Russian paperwork. But come on Mike and Tom, just donate to Kamala/Straight Bette Porter or Cory (two fine, more moderate candidates) instead of spending a couple $100 million on your billionaire savior vanity project. But I guess billionaires gotta billionaire, which is kind of the whole damn problem in the first damn place.

Thursday, November 07, 2019

Gender Fuck Thursday: Suit On, Shirt Off

I don’t know what glossy magazines have against shirts, but I for one am not complaining with this new trend of putting queer female celebrities in suits sans a shirt underneath. Not at all. For example, here are Evan Rachel Wood and Megan Rapinoe in shirtless suits for Self and Glamour magazines, respectively.

Now, neither magazine seems fully opposed to shirts. Self did manage to find one for Evan, but promptly made it wet. So, now all I need to know now is who to send the mini-muffin gift basket to at the magazine.



Meanwhile, Megan’s Glamour looks were more...questionable. Like, normally I love any and all tank tops. But something about the sheer layering over the top and having it tucked in is not necessarily giving me Tank Top Tuesday goodness vibes.



Though the deciding looks for these dueling photoshoots come down to pinstripe versus bodysuit. And here, I think, we can all agree the pinstripe wins hands down. Because what even is that highlighter yellow monstrosity? May we never find out.


Wednesday, November 06, 2019

Socially Irrelevant Heteronormative Gender Roles

Look, I’m no Kristen Stewart stan. But I do appreciate how “Fuck You, Hollywood and Socially Irrelevant Heteronormative Gender Roles” she has become of late. Like, she literally said exactly that to Jimmy Fallon’s befuddled face on “The Tonight Show” last week while talking about her girlfriend.

Kristen returned over the weekend to host SNL, two years after her “I'm like so gay, dude” heard around the world. That Totino’s skit is now officially a classic in queer cinema. Or, at least, that’s how I classify it in my head.

Another queer classic? Kate and Kristen Stewart thumb wrestling in this SNL promo. Last time she was on, I think they purposely kept K-Stew and K-McK (not a thing, I know) apart in skits. But at least they got a promo together battling for Lesbian Thumb Supremacy.


Tuesday, November 05, 2019

100 Percent That Scary

Look, you have Olivia and Phoebe and ukuleles, and we have Lizzo. Just to prove you don’t have delightfulness cornered, here is Lizzo going through a haunted house with Ellen’s executive producer/resident scaredy-cat Andy Lassner.

I particularly like when she uses her ass as a defense against the Dark Arts. And runs and leaves him to fend for himself.

Lizzo, it should be noted, also won Halloween with her costume this year. As I was saying, delightful on this, Britain.


Monday, November 04, 2019

Music Monday: Great British Ukulele Show

Gosh, you Brits do know how to make the most palliative entertainment. Like, for example, the finale of the “Great British Baking Show” managed to be both tense, surprising, exciting, calming, and oh so lovely. (I won’t spoil it but, again, I cannot recommend my favorite televised Xanax highly enough - even with the new hosts and everything.)

And, as another example, here is Olivia Colman (sorry, Oscar winner, two different Queens, and fictional creator of critically important plot point headless female torso statuettes Olivia Colman) singing my all-time favorite Portishead song “Glory Box” accompanied by her “Fleabag” co-star Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Phoebe’s musician sister Isobel Waller-Bridge accompanying her on ukelele. And it’s all being recorded for charity? I mean, come on, Brits. We get it; YOU’RE DELIGHTFUL. Stop rubbing it in. I mean, what with Brexit and Boris and all, I guess you deserve some counteracting loveliness. Just as long as we can also enjoy Olivia and Phoebe and people cooking in a tent along with you.

p.s. In case you’re looking for even more British delightfulness, it appears Henry (he of the constant neckties) and Michael (he of the deepest dimples you’ve ever seen) from this season of GBBO might be dating? As I was saying, COME ON. You can’t possibly be this cute, Britain.

Friday, November 01, 2019

My Weekend Crush

There has never been any question that Jane Fonda is a badass. She’s been a badass since, well...looks up date of her famous anti-Vietnam War era mugshot. While she was vilified back then for taking a stand, it’s abundantly clear that our Jane remains on the right side of history.

Now she’s taking a stand and getting arrested to protest government inaction on climate change. And we’re not just taking putting a bumper sticker on her car or writing a strongly worded letter to her congressperson. No, this month Jane moved to Washington D.C. to lead weekly demonstrations. Basically, every Friday through January Jane and other protesters (and a few famous friends) are getting arrested in what they’re calling Fire Drill Fridays. Basically, she’s acting like our house is on fire because, you know, it is.

Anyway, last week instead of going to the British Academy Britannia Awards to accept BAFTA’s Stanley Kubrick Britannia Award for Excellence in Film, she got arrested. But, like the badass she is, Jane managed to accept the award anyway - just from cuffs while getting hauled away by cops. Legends only, kittens, legends only. Happy weekend, all.


Thursday, October 31, 2019

What Lesbians Through Yonder Window Breaks?

Happy Halloween, kittens! May your bags be overflowing with candy, but probably the metaphorical kind because I’m assuming you’re all a little long in the tooth to be trick-or-treating. Not a criticism, just knowing my target demographic. Speaking of target demographic, who wants to see some photos of USWNT star Kelley O'Hara and her lady friend dressed up for Halloween? Because, let me tell you, that’s so much better than even a full-sized Snicker bar.



Kelley and who I think we’re pretty damn safe to assume is her girlfriend stepped out together for a Halloween party over the weekend dressed as - wait for it - Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes as Romeo + Juliet. And can I say they hit the look out of the (soccer) ballpark. Everything, everything was there: the unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, the high-water jeans, the greasy Leo hair, the facial cut, the arm bandage, the necklace in the unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt and her angel wings.



And the caption to her Instagram Stories post? “Love is tragic, y’all.” Everyone, put away your couples costume - Kelley and her Juliet win this year.

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

True True Crime

Tired of all the non-stop politics? Ready for something light and fun? Let’s talk about murdered women instead! I kid, a tiny bit - but not really at all. If you’re anything like me you’ve watched your fair share of true crime shows/movies et al. And if you’re like me you’ve puzzled about where this morbid fascination comes from. Well, please let comic Jena Friedman explain it better, and funnier, than I ever could. This explains so much, ladies. So, so much.

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

L Is Better in Color

Man, the ladies (and gentlemen) are sure making the most of The Power of Lizzo. The new official trailer which dropped last week brings us more sex, more Lizzo, more sex, more Lizzo and a whole lot of pretty. I continue to be excited for this show’s return, despite my better judgment. I really appreciate the abundant diversity. And I’m even beginning to take a shine to some of the new characters based on these trailers.

In particular, I’m thinking Jacqueline Toboni’s character Sarah Finley may become the new Alice (a.k.a the character everyone loves/constant comic relief). Now, you may already recognize Jacqueline as Jo from the Netflix series “Easy.” She was part of the anthology series’ lesbian coupling. I highly recommend watching Season 3, Episode 3 to watch Jacqueline and Sophia Bush flirt and make out. Each episode is basically a short story, so no need to prep. Also, did I mention Jacqueline and Sophia flirt and make out a lot? Enough said. So, what number is your excitement level at having the ladies who do all that shit from the Betty song back? I won’t lie, I’m about an 8 right now.

Monday, October 28, 2019

Music Monday: Truest Colors

Some things are just so pretty you want to shut up and listen. This duo of Cyndi Lauper and Kelly Clarkson on “True Colors” is one of those things. Now that’s how you start a week off right.

Friday, October 25, 2019

My Weekend Crush

Fine, FINE, I started watching “Emergence” on your suggestions. And I’ve gotten sucked in even though it’s basically “Stranger Things” with a plane crash and without 80s nostalgia. But I’m mostly into it because of Allison Tolman. Man, is that lady good at acting. There’s something at once incredibly relatable and organically soulful and unquestionably capable about her as an actress. She makes it feel real. She feels real. Have I mentioned she’s good at acting?

I never watched her in “Fargo” (I know, I know), but I was one of like three people to watch and love her in “Downward Dog,” a show I still love and still miss and every now and then watch the final episode of over again on my DVR JUST BECAUSE I CAN AND I WANT TO.

In “Emergence” she brings that same innate capableness to the role of a small town police chief. And you root for her, not because she’s trying to be so incredibly winsome but because she’s so non nonsense. Life gets weird and messy and inconvenient and sometimes there are telekinetic orphans you have to take care of all of a sudden, but smart women like Allison’s Police Chief Jo Evans find a way through. Through great performers sometimes we see ourselves reflected back in ways we never imagined.

So, in short, it’s great to be able to see Allison on my TV (once I catch up on my DVR) week after week. So I guess that means my weekend plans are set. Have a happy weekend, all.

Thursday, October 24, 2019

Marvel-ous Lesbians

So a couple weekends ago Brie Larson (a.k.a. Captain Marvel) and Tessa Thompson (a.k.a. Valkyrie/The New Asgard’s King) were at a convention together where - of course - lesbians came up. We come up everywhere, it’s OK. Most of the time it’s just to fix your leaky toilet, but sometimes it’s for two superheroes to talk gay stuff. Like, a lot of gay stuff. Toward the end of their panel, someone in the audience shouted, “I just want to see lesbians!” And the collective room, and Tessa, were like, “Me too, boo.” And after that, well, you’ll just have to watch. But it does beg the eternal question, when Captain Marvel and Valkyrie hook up, who is the top*?

*Trick Question**: They obviously switch, but definitely fight about who tops first.

**Trickier Question: Captain Marvel has a wife and child, have some respect!

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Vacation Vixen: Frida Kahlo

Just a gal with her dogs. And by gal I mean one of the greatest artists of the 20th Century. And by dogs, yeah, I still mean dogs.

Tuesday, October 22, 2019

Vacation Vixen: Maya & Amy

In my head this picture of Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler is them relaxing at the prom after party, right before they head up to the hotel room. And you can tell by Amy’s sneaky smirk that she booked a really, really nice room for them. Really nice.

Monday, October 21, 2019

Vacation Vixen: Billie Holiday

Yesterday was our one-year anniversary and so obviously we’re on a little trip to celebrate. But, fear not kittens, I may be an old married woman now but I still love you and want you to be happy. So I’ll leave you with a sweet song by perhaps the greatest singer of any generation. And, just to share how extra lesbian our wedding was, we had our first dance to “Easy Living.” You may recall, it is the song Therese played for Carol on the piano the first time she came to visit. May it bring you as much happiness as it has us this past year, and forever.


Friday, October 18, 2019

My Weekend Crush

Well, hello. Just when it felt like we were sleeping on Kate McKinnon’s lesbian heartthrob status, she goes and puts on a suit and tie and runs to the store to get us some OJ. Kate posed for Interview magazine (and answered some famous people’s questions, because that’s Interview magazine’s whole deal). The questions were moderately interesting. But the photos? *low whistle*



I don’t know what the orange juice is all about (though I’m assuming it has something to do either with brunch mimosas or pregame screwdrivers, because that’s what I’m hoping it’s for). But, man, do I want a tall, cool glass of whatever she is pouring. ’Cause I’m just suddenly thirsty, so very thirsty.



Happy so thirsty weekend, all.

Thursday, October 17, 2019

Lez Watch Fall TV

The new fall season of TV is like dating. All these shiny new options and no clue which ones will actually be worth it and which will be epic disasters. While I’ve never had to swipe right or left on a real person, I’ve committed to swiping right on these network TV shows. You may notice, true to form, I’ve only swiped on shows with female leads because, hello, have you met me? While I am well aware there may be other worthy and others with queer characters, these are the ones I’ve decided to take home, for better or worse.

“Stumptown”


I knew after the first episode that “Stumptown” and I were gonna work out. Why? Well, it’s got Cobie Smulders. It’s got Cobie Smulders playing a bisexual private investigator. It’s got Cobie Smulders playing a bisexual private investigator as created by Greg Rucka, the comic book artist you may know best for making Kate Kane/Batwoman and Renee Montoya super duper gay.

So, as you can see, that’s a lot of reasons to like “Stumptown” without even watching the show. But if you have watched the show you’ll know it’s a hard-boiled PI show with a big heart, plus a lot of getting punched in the face. Cobie, who most gay women have had a not-so-secret crush on since she showed up in a white tank top on “The L Word” to make Bette and Tina’s baby mobile/flirt shamelessly with Bette. In short, I basically can’t wait for this show each week and I super hope that have Cobie’s Dex hook up with a lady sometime pretty soon.


“Batwoman”


Please, like I wasn’t going to watch “Batwoman.” The clunky exposition of the pilot episode aside, “Batwoman” has become an enjoyable superhero show that takes itself a tad more seriously than “Supergirl” while injecting a lot of needed swagger into it’s heroine. That swagger all comes from Ruby Rose, who what she may lack in Shakespearean acting chops she makes up for in presence and smolder. I mean, the lady can smoulder really, really well.

And it got super gay right away, which is the least it could do considering Batwoman is the very first lesbian superhero to headline her own TV show. Let me repeat that, the very first lesbian superhero to headline her own TV show, It’s called Batwoman, about Batwoman, and Batwoman is gay. So while the Supreme Court mulls over whether we should have the right to work and not be fired for simply being who we are, TV has already decided that America willl watch a lesbian superhero work and kick ass every week.

“Evil”


To be completely honest, I’m not sure if I can recommend “Evil” just yet. I’ve also been trying out the show, but remain on the fence. I will tell you that I continue to watch because of a) Katja Herbers, and b) It’s actually genuinely scary. Like, for real, I had some nightmares about it last week. And I like the strong supporting cast, though it could certainly do with more regular female characters (who aren’t just Katja’s characters four - yes FOUR - daughters).

But what I don’t like as much is its ponderous religious philosophising, which has been rather heavy handed to start but hopefully will mellow a bit. Like, I get it, this show is very very Catholic. So, we shall see.

p.s. I also have a number of episodes of “Emergence” no my DVR, which I have not watched yet because I am wary of getting into a mystery show that might get cancelled quickly. But I really love Allison Tolman (gosh, I miss “Downward Dog” so so much) so there it sits.

So, what are you watching, kittens? And should I give “Emergence” a try?

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

We Wish You a Merry Lesbian

Hey, remember that holiday-themed lesbian rom-com starring Kristen Stewart and Mackenzie Davis and directed by Clea DuVall? Well, it’s not coming out until at least November 2020. But just in case we don’t make it that far (I mean, we have a whole presidential election cycle to live through before that, plus that Orange Anus still has access to the nuclear launch codes) here is another holiday-themed lesbian rom-com that’s coming out November 2019, so next month.

Season of Love” from lesbian owned and operated production company Tello Films looks very promising. And you no doubt recognize many of its stars. Yes, that’s Dominique Provost-Chalkley, ak.a. Waverly from “Wynonna Earp.” Yes, that’s out actress Jessica Clark from “A Perfect Ending” and “True Blood.” And Emily Goss who was in the lesbian movie “Snapshots” I stumbled upon OnDemand.

The movie is described as “a lighthearted rom-com featuring a large ensemble cast of diverse women and their connected love lives during the hectic holiday period just before Christmas through the New Year who discover love truly is the best gift of all.”

So, in case the Giant Meteor hits before November 2020, at least we’ll have had a “Season of Love” to wish us a very merry Lesbian-mas beforehand. But I’ll still knee-cap anyone who starts singing holiday carols before Halloween.

Tuesday, October 15, 2019

Lesbian Top Tuesday

It was International Lesbian Day last week and nobody told me? Well, don’t worry, I make up for it by being super-duper gay every damn day anyway. Speaking of Super Duper, here is Super Sibling Chyler Leigh and Super Bat Ruby Rose lezzing it up together in honor of International Lesbian Day last week.

I admit, I stopped watching Supergirl because, yeah. But I am into Batwoman because, yeaaaaah. I know these aren’t technically tank tops, but super-tight, superhero combat gear is OK by me on a Tuesday instead. Now, the only question is who is the true Top here. Ahem.

Monday, October 14, 2019

Generation L

I can’t say if this new teaser makes me more excited or less excited about “The L Word: Generation Q.” But I can say it’s absolutely bonkers they got Jennifer Beals, Kate Moennig and Leisha Hailey to willingly stand proud and make the “L” sign to promote this show since making the “L” sign was legit never, ever promoted on the show ever before. Ever. But, then, I guess a “Q” sign would be a lot trickier to make. Thoughts on the new trailer? Imma go flash an “L” at all my friends and watch their perplexed faces when I yell, “What? All the cool LESBIANS are doing it!”

Friday, October 11, 2019

My Weekend Crush

I have no idea whether “Maleficent: Mistress of Evil” will be any good. But I do know that I love seeing Angeline Jolie and Michelle Pfeiffer side-by-side. Yes, yes, I know they’re on opposite sides in the film. But in the press tour it has been nothing but bunny ears and secret crushes. I mean, Angelina Jolie has never been more relatable revealing her teen crush on Michelle Pfeiffer. Because WHO HAS NOT HAD A CRUSH ON MICHELLE PFEIFFER?



So I guess this is my week of putting two amazing female superstars together and screaming at the top of my lungs, “NOW KISS!” But in Angie and Michelle’s case, I am a little scared of what would happen when two of the most epic cheekbones in modern cinema come into such close contact. Like, go in careful for that kiss, ladies - no one wants to see gruesome cheekbone slicing injuries. Happy Maleficent weekend, all.

Thursday, October 10, 2019

What the Ellen?

Be kind to everyone is great - in theory. It should, in a perfect world, be our guiding principle. But this world is not perfect and kindness alone is not a panacea. So in this imperfect world sometimes being kind to one person means being inherently unkind to a whole swath of other, often more vulnerable people. And there’s nothing kind about that.

Which brings me to Ellen.

Over the weekend Ellen DeGeneres was shown hobnobbing with former President George W. Bush at an NFL football game. They were visibly chummy sitting side-by-side in the VIP seats. There was American’s Most Famous Lesbian and America’s Most Famous Unindicted War Criminal. Too much? I mean, sure, Kristen Stewart is pretty famous, too. But Most Famous? Hard to say.

Now, this all would have been a blip on Twitter and our collective consciousness if Ellen hadn’t then gone onto her daytime talk show a couple days later and given a lecture about being kind to everyone. It got widely praised in some circles, especially in celebrity circles.



Here is the thing, there is a big difference in Ellen’s signature phrase, “Be kind to one another” and her insistence here that we “Be kind to everyone.” Because unconditional kindness is not really kindness. It grants grace to those who do not grant grace to others, and in fact hurt others. And there’s nothing kind about that.

Yes, the world needs more kindness, always. But it needs more kindness, in part, because of the actions and policies put in place by men like George W. Bush. Too much? Not hardly enough.

The fuzzy math of history (and absolute shitshow of Trump) has given an entirely undeserved warm glow to W and his legacy. So let’s remember just what good ol’ Dubya did, shall we?

- Lied us into an illegitimate war which killed some 4,200 U.S. service members and an estimated 600,000 Iraqis.
- Greenlit the use of torture and opened the black hole that is Guantanamo Bay.
- Made opposing same-sex marriage a wedge campaign issue, and supported adding a Constitutional Amendment banning gay marriage.
- Botched the response to Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans which killed more than 1,800 Americans and left the city’s largely African-American population drowning and stranded.
- Led our economy into the greatest economic downturn since The Great Depression.
I know, I know, you’re thinking - but that’s all in the past. He paints people’s portraits now and sneaks candies to Michelle Obama.

Well, let’s not forget that just last year he also lobbied heavily to get Brett Kavanaugh confirmed to the Supreme Court. Yes, that Bett Kavanaugh. The beer-guzzling, woman-assaulting asshole whose vote could be instumental in legalizing workplace discrimination against LGBTQ people. So, you know, that’s a really kind thing for him to do.

Just like there’s a big difference between being kind to one another and being kind to everyone, there’s an equally big difference between being kind and being polite. Look, I’m not suggesting Ellen should have turned around and punched W in the face (though, I’m not necessarily suggesting she not).

What I am saying is being kind to those whose policies and actions are inherently unkind and in fact deeply harmful and sometimes deadly to others is not kindness.

Being kind to everyone also absolves them of having to feel guilt about the ways, directly or indirectly, they’ve harmed other people. And, in the case of a former president, that’s a lot of people and a lot of harm. We aren’t talking about your racist Uncle Bob here. We are talking about a man who held the most powerful position in the world and used it in a way to hurt poor people, people of color, queer people and more. And to not acknowledge that allows him to continue to bask in unearned respect and adulation. We do not owe him our kindness; we owe him our truth. That would be the true kindness, to show him the error of his ways.

The thing is, what’s at work here isn’t really kindness. It’s not even politeness. It’s not even really civility. It’s an insidious kind of class solidarity at its core. The rich play nice with the rich, because when your life is so nice, why not be nice to each other? Money insulates against everything.

This is also why you’ve seen some celebrities who probably should know better (cough, Reese Witherspoon, cough, Kristen Bell, cough) cheer Ellen’s brand of kindness. It’s not that their accolades come from a bad place, it’s that they come from a place of privilege most of us will never even hope of attaining.

In a way, I think it’s a kind of conscious or unconscious self-preservation for the rich. They make the poor and working class and everyone in between fight with each other instead of getting all French Revolution on their asses. Like, how is it not leading every broadcast in America that last year for the first time in history U.S. billionaires paid a lower tax rate than the working class?

Yes, you read that right. The tax rate for the richest Americans used to be around 70 percent. But in 2018, thanks to Trump’s tax cuts, the richest 400 families in America paid a 23 percent tax rate. The working class? Well, we forked over 24.2 percent.

When you ask yourself, why is there so much poverty? Why is our infrastructure crumbling? Why aren’t there enough services for mental health? Why don’t we have universal health care? Why are public colleges so expensive? The answer is the rich don’t pay enough taxes and leave those less fortunate to scrap and scrape amongst ourselves for whatever is left.

Look, I am not against wealth. I, too, would like more money. But how much money is enough money? We all know a billion dollars is a lot, but exactly how much? The median American household income today is $52,000. At that rate you would have to work 19,231 years to make a billion dollars. To put that in further perspective, you would have had to start working during the fucking Stone Age, when early man was still drawing on cave walls, to now have $1 billion.

Jeff Bezos, meanwhile, is worth $108 billion.

Here’s the thing, if we really, really thought about the income inequality and gross (and I mean gross) wealth disparities in America, even the reddest Red State-er would ditch the stupid MAGA hat and grab an “Eat the Rich” shirt instead. Now, that might not be a very kind thing to say. But hoarded wealth on such astronomical rates? That’s not terribly kind either.

But enough about Late-Stage Capitalism contributing to basically all the world’s problems. I don’t think Ellen is a bad person, necessarily. And I do respect kindness above almost all things. But kindness is not just being kind to everyone. It is making sure everyone is treated with kindness and not giving undeserved comfort to those who do not.

Wednesday, October 09, 2019

Going to Bat

Wait, has the CW been reading my dream journals? Because Rachel Maddow is going to have a role in the network’s new lesbian superhero series “Batwoman.” This is like that meme where you smoosh Ruby Rose and Rachel Maddow together and yell, “NOW KISS!”

According to The Hollywood Reporter, the MSNBC host will playVesper Fairchild, from the Batman comics. Her role is described as such:

“Fairchild is a television and radio personality who had a romantic relationship with Bruce Wayne (Batman). The Batwoman catch is that Maddow's Fairchild will never appear onscreen — at least there are no current plans for her to do so. Still, Maddow is expected to "appear" in multiple episodes.”

Fine, that significant reduces the possibility of them kissing. But still! It’s very cool and it turns out Rachel is definitely a Batwoman fan. In 2010 she wrote an introduction for the deluxe hardcover edition of writer Greg Ruck’s Batwoman graphic novel “Elegy.”

For her part, Rachel commented on the news via Twitter saying:

“I know no one's going to believe this is true, but it's true. I'm "Vesper Fairchild" in the new Batwoman TV show that starts this Sunday night on The CW. (My character is soooo not me; turns out playing her is one of the most fun things I've ever done).”

The series debuted on Sunday and is off to a strong, and very gay, start. And if you listened closely you no doubt heard Rachel as Vesper, the uncredited voice of the city. And *spoiler alert* I totally called that twist with Alice. Plus, I do not trust The Crows because militia in body armor with big guns are never the answer.

So that’s Ruby Rose, Rachel Skarsten and Rachel Maddow all in one series? Now that’s what I call a truly R-Rated Lesbian Lust Squad - because of the Rs in their name and, you know, other reasons.

Tuesday, October 08, 2019

In Their Court

Tuesday, Oct. 8, 2019 should go down in history for every single gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer American. Because today is the day the Supreme Court will hear arguments on three cases that will decide whether we can be legally fired for simply being who we are as gay or trans people. Even more than marriage, this gets down to our most basic rights as Americans - our ability to work and make a living and pursue life, liberty and happiness other citizens enjoy in this country.

It cannot be overstated how important this case is to us and what impact it will have. Currently there are 28 states in the United States without basic LGBTQ protections for employment, housing and public accommodations. That means, in those 28 states, it is perfectly legal to fire someone, refuse them a rental or deny someone your business’ service because they are gay.

That’s more than half of the country.

It should be noted that the Trump administration is arguing against us - which should come as no shock to anyone who has been paying attention. This is the president, after all, who has banned all trans servicemembers from the military and plans to allow agencies to ban LGBTQ Americans from adopting children based on so-called “religious exemptions.” And, of course, his administration also opposed the Equality Act, which would protect LGBTQ Americans from the exact discrimination the Supreme Court is going to decide on.

So here we are. At the precipice of disaster or elation. With this court I hear deeply for the former. With Trump appointees Neil “Merrick Garland Should Have My Seat” Gorsuch and Brett “I Sexually Assault Women And Get Away With It, Ask Me How” Kavanaugh on the bench my optimism is beyond low. But at this point all we can do is hope the better legal angels convince those nine Supreme Court justices that our livelihoods are worth protecting.

In the end, this is why you vote for Democrats in every single election. Because the fucking Supreme Court, that’s why. Because imagine where we would be if Hillary won. Imagine where we’d be if Obama was able to get Garland a confirmed. Imagine how different things would be if the people who believe we should have rights - which polls have shown overwhelmingly most of the country does - all actually voted.

It doesn’t matter who wins the Democratic primary. I will vote for her or, if I must, him. Even if he isn’t my favorite. Even if I’m sad my candidate lost. And it’s because the Supreme Court is for life. And the Supreme Court decides whether our lives are worth protecting. And that’s everything.

Monday, October 07, 2019

I Tikked A Tok, And I Liked It

So, if you’re down with the youths, you’ve heard of TikTok. The viral social media app filled with short videos of mostly young people dancing, singing, meme-ing, cosplaying, pranking and the like is perhaps the most simultaneously random, weird and strangely wholesome content on the internet right now. (Don’t worry, we’ll find a way to ruin it in no time.) It’s also wildly addictive. And in one of my, “Oh, I’ll just check this out for a minute or two - wait, where did two hours go?”-sessions, I came across Loora8888. She has been dubbed one of the most fashionable women on TikTok. And by “mot fashionable,” I really mean, “Most likely to set queer women’s undergarments on fire.” Like, the hair, the tallness, the penetrating stares, the self-assured EVERYTHING.

She posts stylish videos of herself, and another woman, being, well, extremely stylish which are often punctuated with her steadily holding the camera’s gaze for just long enough to make every lesbian faint dead away.



Dead. Totally dead.



Also, have I mentioned she’s really good at handling an umbrella?



The woman in question is Loora Wang, a Chinese fashion designer who owns a label called Loora PWD. And, sorry ladies, the shorter woman is decidedly not her girlfriend - it’s her sister. But, that’s alright. Because Loora is still primo swoon material, and I actually enjoy her sister’s goofball energy.



So, like I was saying, I think I like TikTok. And maybe you will, too. Good luck getting yourself out of that TikTok wormhole this week, kittens.

p.s. I created my own very humble TikTok, which I am determined to turn into a wholesome pet account. You can find it here.

Friday, October 04, 2019

My Weekend Crush

While so, so many men will no doubt stream into theaters to watch the dude who directed “The Hangover” movies make a serious movie about a serious man in a serious clown suit (i.e. The Incel Superhero no one asked for), I think I’ll wait for Harley and her Birds of Prey instead.

Oh, the world hasn’t handed you everything and people don’t worship you just because you’re a perfectly adequate straight white man? Get in line, fellas, the ladies have a tad more to gripe about when it comes to what the world has and hasn’t given us – don’t ya think? Still you don’t see us turning into makeup-smudged homicidal maniacs, do ya? Well, maybe just this once you do. But, you know, they say what’s good for the gander will be ever more awesome for the geese. At least, that’s how this trailer looks to me. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, October 03, 2019

My What Big Horns You Have

Three words that sound great together: Lesbian. Viking. Saga.

Earlier this summer it was reported that writer-director Catherine Hardwicke (of “Thirteen,” “Lords of Dogtown” and, yes, “Twilight” fame) had signed on to helm “Heathen,” a lesbian viking saga based on the comic series of the same name.

Now I’ve never read the comic, and in fact did not realize they existed. But the more I learn about about its heroine, a Norse warrior woman named Aydis, the more excited I get. Because Aydis has Big Plans. She has been kicked out of her tribe for kissing another woman, and sets out instead to kill The (Norse) Man himself, Odin. Yes, that Odin.

Yes, kittens, it seems all of our Tamsin from “Lost Girl” and Valkyrie from “Thor” fantasy sequences are coming together in one movie and I am Here. For. It. Also, it doesn’t hurt that Catherine Hardwicke (who showed her queer bona fides with “Thirteen”) is a wildly talented and wildly underused director who if she were a man would have one or two of her own signature franshises by now but instead because she is a woman wasn’t even asked to come back and direct the next “Twilight” despite it grossing almost $400 million worldwide. The patriarchy sure does suck. So, go get 'em, Aydis.

Now let’s cast this thing and make all our lesbian viking saga dreams come true.

Wednesday, October 02, 2019

Golden Gay Girls

Well now, this is good news and a reason to not wish for that Giant Meteor I’ve been rooting for since Nov. 8, 2016 to hit us just yet. It seems Jane Lynch (you know, that Jane Lynch) and Cyndi Lauper (you know, that Cyndi Lauper) are teaming up to create a “Golden Girls”-type comedy for Netflix. And that’s it, that’s what I know.

Fine, I know a little more. The show is being created by writer, comedian and out lesbian lady Carol Leifer, whose previous credits include “SNL,” “Seinfeld” and that short lived “The Ellen Show” that Ellen had after the famous Ellen show and before her famous Ellen talk show. In the late 2000s she also tried to create a lesbian comedy called “You, Me and He” which never made it to the screen.

In Leifer posted on Facebook that:

“It’s official, heading out next with a new half-hour comedy, starring Jane Lynch and Cyndi Lauper. A writer’s dream to work with these two legends. Can’t wait to see where we land…”

Then Jane confirmed their landing spot was Netflix after the Creative Arts Emmys last month:

“I pitched a show to Netflix and they bought it. I don’t know if I can even tell you, but it’s with Cyndi Lauper, so there! We’ll see.”

And then she also revealed that the show will focus on women their actual age (60 to 65) who have never had husbands or children. And there will be two more people cast for this ‘Golden Girls” for today” show. So there you have it. Jane, Cyndi, Carol and what I’m hoping is a whole lot of good Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia energy. This time - given that never had husbands or children comment - I have a sneaking suspicion that at the very least one of those ladies will like the ladies. And not just in a Lebanese way.

Tuesday, October 01, 2019

Not So Little Women

Well, not that the Emmys are over and it is officially October, seems like Oscar season should be afoot. And for what seems like forever now “Little Women” and “Pride & Prejudice” have been locked in a death match for screen adaptation supremacy. While Jane Austen’s novel has about 55 years and a different continent on “Little Women,” Louisa May Alcott’s distinctly American tome remains universally beloved for daring to say women have minds and souls as well as hearts. So then how could I resist when yet another adaptation with yet another all-star cast comes rolling along.

“Ladybird” writer-director Greta Gerwig brings the March women to vibrant life with a cast that includes Saoirse Ronan (Jo), Emma Watson (Meg), Laura Dern (Marmee) and Meryl freaking Streep (Aunt March). Also Timothée Chalamet plays ultimate literary fuckboy Laurie which is perhaps the most perfect casting in an already perfectly cast film. Even without the strong feminist undertones (but, obviously, I love and cherish any and all strong feminist understones), I would watch this film for Saoirse in an assortment of vests, blazers, cravats and bowler hats alone. Her exasperated eyerolls at The Patriarchy, well, that’s just the feminist cherry on top.



p.s. This also means I’ll never have to watch Susan Sarandon’s 1994 version ever again. Which considering she’s up to her old “A Woman, Just Not That Woman” shenanigans again is a very, very good thing.

Monday, September 30, 2019

I Like (Songs) About Liking Girls

Well isn’t this a fun little ditty to start your Monday with. I hadn’t heard of jazz singler Samantha Sidley before. But I certainly appreciate her super catchy, super retro “I Like Girls.” The L.A.-native released her debut album “Interior Person” earlier this month. And if “I Like Girls” is any indication, it’s certainly worth a listen. Because, I mean, we all like girls here. So why not sing about it.

Friday, September 27, 2019

My Weekend Bye, Bitch

I cannot think of a single better way to end the week when impeachment proceedings officially began. Like, they should just play this on a loop over the White House sound system when he is finally forced to leave. To be honest, it’s a far better farewell than he deserves. But, regardless, we deserve this. So here is Lizzo who is channeling her fiercest Ursula the Sea Witch energy. It’s really the cackle at the end of each one of these that makes it art. Honestly, is anyone enjoying life more than Lizzo these days? Though, I think I know at least 65,844,954 million Americans who are at very least enjoying this week. Happy Impeach The Motherfucker Already Weekend, bitches.

Thursday, September 26, 2019

Gender Fuck Thursday/SGALGG Emmys Edition

You didn’t think the start of Hot Impeachment Fall would make me just breeze past Clea DuVall’s Emmys tux with one line, did you? Please, it’s like you don’t know me at all. So in honor of all the Very Pertinent To Your Lesbian (and Bisexual, and Queer, and Trans) Interests, here is a very special combination Gender Fuck Thursday/SGALGG Emmys Edition post.

Clea DuVall & Her Tuxedo

I just… I can’t… Who gave her the right…. I mean, the hand in her pocket is just… And cheekbones like… All that and the tailoring makes me want to be a better woman.

Clea DuVall & Natasha Lyonne

The only thing that could possibly make me happier than knowing Graham & Megan made it is if they then became couple BFFs with Luce & Rachel.

p.s. I know this is cheating, but at a pre-Emmy party Clea & Natasha radiated the strongest “Longtime Couple on A Date Night That Is Going Extremely Well”-couple vibes I have ever seen.

Natasha Lyonne & Amy Poehler

I know Megan is with Graham (20 years and still going strong!), but when her wife has to work late Megan lets Amy and her Big Top Energy take her out on the town (in a flirty but respectfully platonic, “Let’s Break Everyone’s Heart at This Bar Just For Fun”-kind of way.)

Jodie Comer & Sandra Oh

See, Eve can look genuinely happy for Villanelle when they aren’t stabbing/shooting each other. The only thing you two should be cutting is that sexual tension.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge & Sian Clifford

Look, I know they play sisters, but they’re not sisters. So I will totally allow it.

Joey King & Patricia Arquette

Look, I know they play mother-daughter, but they’re not mother-daughter. So you see where this is going.

Amy Poehler & Catherine O'Hara

Free Idea, Hollywood: Amy and Catherine play a May-December lesbian couple in a rom-com where they move from New York to rural Iowa to start an organic farm and attempt to befriend the locals.

Laverne Cox & Chase Strangio

The two trans rights advocates, and in particular Laverne’s purse, are a reminder that LGBTQ rights are very, very much at risk. Because on Oct. 8 the Supreme Court will decide whether trans (and really all LGBTQ) people can legally be fired for simply for being ourselves.

Gwendoline Christie & Her GoT Ladies

Her Brienne Jesus look obviously brought all the girls to the Tarth. Can Arya and Daenerys be her disciples, because they’re something I can believe in.

Gwen & Emilia Clarke


I mean, imagine how much better the ending would have been if instead of getting stabbed by Know-Nothing Jon Snow, Daenerys was saved from herself and her murderous madness by Brienne of Tarth and they then ruled together as co-queens with compassion while also adopting all the stray cats in Westeros.

Gwen & Lena Headey

Fine, part of me would also be fine if Daenerys let the world burn and Brienne instead saved Cersei and they then found a new life together crafting fine battle swords in a remote beach village across the sea while also adopting all the stray cats in Dorne.

Gwen & Her Pink After-Party Jesus Suit

I am not a religious person, but this is a real come to Brienne Jesus moment for me.

Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Hot Impeachment Fall

I’m not going to pretend I know how this is all going to end. Like the Senate will probably do nothing because Mitch McConnell is the world’s most soulless, shameless old-timey movie villain and Republicans are the sniveling, obsequious winged monkeys. And even if they somehow did get rid of him there’s always Mike fucking Pence (though you know he is the balls he has still never shown to “Mother” deep in this whole thing, too.)

But I do know that finally, finally for once in the life of this craven narcissist in chief, he is going to be held accountable. This chronically corrupt and unrepentantly racist orange asshole should forever carry the shame of having The Big I next to his name. I mean, if they can impeach Bill for lying about a blowjob, they can certainly impeach Trump for colluding with foreign powers to help him win elections (twice), using the office of the presidency to enrich himself and his family (like, that cheap bastard even makes the Secret Service pay to rent his stupid golf carts), trampling all over the Constitution repeatedly, lying to the American public endlessly, and all the rest.

Impeachment, baby. It’s about damn time.

And in honor of Speaker Pelosi finally, finally coming to her senses, here is a little celebration of the arrival of Hot Impeachment Fall. We’ve waited 978 days for this moment. We shall savor it now, no matter what comes next.



In conclusion, I imagine this is how Hillary celebrated the news - along with several glasses of Chardonnay.