Tuesday, July 23, 2019

Tank Top Keeper

Yes, yes, I know the Women’s World Cup is over for another four years. But I realize I failed to bring to your attention during its run that the Chilean national team goalkeeper is a 6-foot-tall Amazon named Christiane Endler. For scale, this is what she looks like next to mere mortals.

Wait, are you OK? I didn’t expect you to fall down like that. Here, have a comfy seat and we can discuss more.

Not only is Christiane - who apparently goes by the nickname Tiane which for whatever reason only makes me like her more - very very tall and very long, she is also very strong. How strong, Snarker?

Well, here she is picking up one teammate.

Next here she is picking up two teammates.

And finally, yes, here she is picking up three - YES, THREE - teammates.

Though, can you really blame her teammates. If that was my keeper I’d also want to hug her with my legs with friendship...for sports reasons.

And, well, that tank top pic? Well. Oh dear, have you fallen down again? Well, this is only to be expected. It is Tuesday, after all.

Monday, July 22, 2019

Anne Lister Being Done™


I don’t know why Anne Lister Being Done™ set to Wii music fills me with so much joy. But it just does. Plus, anytime I can relive the joy of Anne Lister Being Done™ (Primarily with Men) is a good day in my book. And a great way to start any week.

Friday, July 19, 2019

My Weekend Emmys

Look, I’m not saying the Emmy’s have impeccable taste. But, they basically had my taste in TV this year. Sooooo. I guess what I’m saying is the Emmys had impeccable taste this year – you’re welcome.

Killing Eve” getting nominations for Best Drama, Best Lead Actress in a Drama (for Sandra and Jodie) and Best Supporting Actress in a Drama (for Fiona). “Fleabag” getting eleven, yes ELEVEN, Emmy nominations including Best Comedy and Best Lead Actress in a Comedy for Phoebe and literally every other female actress who appeared in either a supporting or guest role on the show. Seriously, I am not kidding: Olivia, Sian, Kristin and Fiona (yes, again) all got nominations.

And then there was all the love for “Russian Doll,” a head-trip of a show that was way smarter and stranger than I thought the Academy would ever recognize. And “The Good Place” getting rightfully recognized too. And “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel,” thought admittedly I haven’t had time to start the second season yet. And same goes for “Schitt’s Creek,” but there are only so many hours in a day and sometimes I need to close my eyes.

In short, it was a very good year for smart women who like to watch smart television about other smart (and strange and sometimes murderous) women. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. This is how Phoebe Waller-Bridge acts when she wins a big award. So, just saying, Academy voters – you too can make this happen.

Thursday, July 18, 2019

Literary Fuck Thursday

Well, now, doesn’t this look just – scrumptious. The last of the Carol Effect movies to make it to the big screen is finally here. And while I know not to get my hopes up for a happy ending with “Vita & Virginia” (given the real-life history of its subjects Virginia Woolf and Vita Sackville-West), I can’t help but feel all swoony about this none the less. Literary lesbianism, period costume, ladies kissing ladies? Well, call it the “Gentleman Jack” Effect, but my expectations are not low – to say the least.

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

You Look Funny

Well, here is a nice break from the non-stop horror of the headlines. Obviously, anytime I can share content from My Fake TV/Movie/Producing Wife Tina Fey, is a good day. And it’s particularly good watching Tina and “Queer Eye” host Tan France give Rachel Dratch some new looks. I very hard relate with these ladies as they awkwardly stand around as a Professional Gay dresses them. Basically, this is how I feel any time I enter a dressing room anywhere.

Except, you know, probably minus the mom jeans.

Though, unlike Rachel, I would love to have an Ellen vibe going on with my look. And you can take my Doc Martens away over my cold, dead fashion-backward body.

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Our Country 'Tis Of Thee

Remember what we got to think about when we didn’t spend so much of our waking (and sometimes sleeping) hours thinking about that racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, pathologically lying, pathologically narcissistic con man currently inhaling Big Macs in the White House? Yeah, neither do I.

What makes this moment in history particularly exhausting is the incessant drum-beat of bad news. Oh, he screamed on Twitter that the black and brown female freshman Democratic congresswoman should go back to their countries, and then doubled down in a press conference the next day, yet all you hear from GOP lawmakers is crickets? And the day before that his Vice President spent 90-seconds looking at the deplorable conditions migrants are being kept in in America’s new concentration camps, then turned his back and actually told us to not believe our lying eyes about what we all literally saw.

Like I was saying, incessant bad news. And, before anyone says it, no I do not care about how well the stock market is doing, not one little tiny bit (and, yes, I don’t care even though I have a 401K like every other poor slob who wishes they had a real pension instead). I don’t care about how “great” this economy is because it’s not great for everyone.

In fact it’s mostly just great for the already rich, the super rich and the obscenely rich. Or those who delusionally believe they’re destined to be one of those three. (It’s that insane ‘I’m poor and my whole family is poor and generations of my kin have all been poor, but when I get stupid rich I don’t want to be taxed too much”-mentality. ) Also going great? Corporations! Can someone give a workshop on how to incorporate myself so like Amazon, Chevron, General Motors, Halliburton, Netflix and 55 other U.S. companies I could have paid exactly ZERO in taxes this year? Cool, thanks. Now that’s settled.

The bad news I’m talking about is related to our shared humanity. The principles that invisibly tether us together. Love your family. Be kind to others. Take care of children. Love the planet.

These bedrocks of our shared humanity have taken a real hit these last two and a half years. And what makes it worse is how widespread the issues are. Corruption. Bigotry. Greed. Cruelty. So much cruelty. Every which way we look this administration is violating the rules, tenuous as they are, we’ve established to keep our government from becoming an unscrupulous farce of epic proportions. You know, kind of like the Trump Foundation.

Look, you individually may not care that Muslims have been banned from entering our country, patriotic trans men and women are being stopped from serving in the military, families are being ripped apart one another at the border, kids are being kept in cages without soap and toothpaste, 125 far-right judges have been given lifetime appointments and two right-wing Supreme Court Justices have been confirmed who will easily serve another 25 years each. (Not you, I know you care. But, the other you.) Or maybe you don’t care that Trump never divested from his real estate properties or never put his business in a blind trust and instead spent an extra $102 million in just two years playing golf at his own properties. I mean, they made Jimmy Carter sell his peanut farm, but whatever.

And, if you don’t care, hey - it’s still a free country. At least for a little while.

But there are no more excuses. If you support this “president,” you support a racist. You support a misogynist. You support a xenophobe. You support an absolute garbage human being. You know it, we know it. Heck, at least those dumb red hats make it easy to see you coming.

Still I guess the good news is, despite the rampant lack of empathy, general indifference and all-our bigotry of a solid 45 percent of this country, I still believe (and the math bears out) that more of us still care.

So now is the time for us to buckle down. Yes, we’re all tired. We’re all worn down. But we aren’t alone. Not at the ballot box. Not in the hall of congress. And if you’re wondering what the future of this country looks like, look no further than Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rep. Ilhan Omar, Rep. Ayanna Pressley, and Rep. Rashida Tlaib.

Monday, July 15, 2019

When Cheekbones Attack

Hey, remember when I said I could take or leave the live-action Disney classic remakes? Well, besides the new “Mulan?” I forgot one. I very much enjoyed the recentering of the “Sleeping Beauty” story a.k.a. “Maleficent.” And now I can’t wait for its sequel, “Maleficent: Mistress of Evil” a.k.a. “Attack of the Cheekbones.”

I honestly don’t care about the plot or whether Princess Aurora gets to marry her handsome prince. I just care that Angelina Jolie and Michelle Pfeiffer square off wearing shit like this.

Friday, July 12, 2019

My Weekend Crush

I love this team. I love their swagger. I love their talent. I love their passion. I love their determination. I love their conviction. I love their activism. I love their heart. I love their joy. I love, love, love the USWNT’s unabashed celebration of hard-earned success.

And of course it goes without saying that I love the Rapi-pose.

Just for good measure, I also love, love, love, love, love, love how incredibly gay the team is. Five, make that six, out players. At least one on-team couple. An out coach. And – you know – welcome, Kelly O’Hara. Your toaster oven is in the mail.

Fine, also I love that they’re not bad to look at in the face, arms, legs, full-body, whole human person kind of way. So whether they’re beating the world, partying at a ticker-tape parade, or glamming up for the ESPYs, I simply can’t get enough of these ladies. (And I can’t get enough of Ashlyn Harris' Instagram stories.)

Fine, I also can’t get enough of members of all the world’s national women’s teams kissing their girlfriends.

See you again in 2023, World Cup. And, hell yeah, ladies – you deserve this. We all deserve this. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, July 11, 2019

Gender Fuck Thursday: Mulan Edition

Say hello to the OG Disney Gender Fuck Thursday Superstar, Mulan. While I’m not a Disney stan, I definitely enjoy their work (See: All Pixar movies and “Moana”). Still I’ve been a little indifferent to their recent live-actioning of all of their classic animated films. Like, we get it, Emma Watson makes a perfectly fine Belle. But other than Angelina Jolie as Malificent, they’ve felt a tad uninspired. That is, until now. The trailer for the new live-action “Mulan” looks good. Like, very good. Like, for real, it looks like a Hong Kong action epic and I am here for it. It also looks like one of the first live-action remake that doesn’t try to simply recreate the original, but reinvent it in its own way. Also, fierce chicks with swords are cool. And anytime we can get more quality Asian representation on the big screen, it’s a very good thing.

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Team Gay Angel

This trailer came out right when I started my vacation, because of course it did. And now that I’ve had some time to mull it over, I’ve decided I’m firmly on Team Gay Angel a.k.a whatever Angel K-Stew is playing. Look, it’s no secret that the “Charlie’s Angels” series had more than a few lesbian fans (who, if we’re being honest were always more about Kate Jackson than Farrah Fawcett, always). And then the early 2000s movies were campy ridiculousness, which you’d better believe I saw in the theaters. And now, well, it’s back for a late 20teens revival – but this time, with Obviously Queer Apparel Angel Sabina Wilson (Kristen’s character).

Now, do we know if Sabina is gay in the film? No, no we don’t. But it would stretch incredulity to the point of absolute farce to make her straight and have K-Stew look like this all the damn time.

I mean there’s even a line in the trailer that says, “Take her to the closet and gear her up.”

Yeah, like I was saying, Team Gay Angel.

Tuesday, July 09, 2019

That's President Straight Bette Porter To You

p>Well, now, wasn’t that a nice vacation? Took some fun trips. Ate some good food. Celebrated all of the Pride. Saw future president Straight Bette Porter. All in all, a good and inspiring time was had by all. True presidential pride is something I could get very, very much get used to. And, you know, Kamala’s rainbow sparkle jacket.

Oh, and while we were there we saw the casts of “Vida” and of “Tales of the City,” who came to to give the crowd some love. It’s like I always say, love shows that love you back.

p.s. I mean, come on, that’s a great jacket.

Monday, July 08, 2019

Vacation Vixen: Emma Thompson

Just a quick Monday morning reminder to find your whimsy wherever you can. And maybe to dye your hair white-platinum blonde. And maybe to get a fierce alternative lifestyle power haircut. And perhaps also be British. Or, screw it, we can’t all be Emma Thompson. But wouldn’t it be nice to try?

Friday, July 05, 2019

Vacation Vixen: Cate Blanchett

Yeah, yeah, yeah – so Pride Month ended Sunday. But we always run on Queer Standard Time, which means I hereby extend pride to today so we can all enjoy Rainbow Blanchett. Happy extended pride weekend, all.

Thursday, July 04, 2019

Vacation Vixen: Rose & Evangeline

On this Fourth of July let me tell you a true tale of American independence. While we may have never had an out gay President of the United States of America, history will show we did indeed have a lesbian First Lady. And, no, don’t get excited – we’re not talking about Eleanor (yet).

No we’re talking about Rose Cleveland, sister of bachelor President Grover Cleveland. Norms dictated since he did not have a wife a close female relative would serve as First Lady. So Rose stepped in for the start of his first term until he found some poor woman to marry him after his first year in office.

Flash forward a couple years and Rose meets Evangeline, 10 years her junior and with an enormous inherited fortune to her name. I know, it sounds too Gentleman Jack-y to be true. But it really all is true American history.

The two women entered into a 30-year “romantic friendship” relationship which, while Evangeline remarried at some point, saw them live together, vacation together, buy property together and engage in a three-decade long love letter marathon together. And we know this thanks to a recently uncovered trove of letters that had been preserved by Evangeline’s caretaker all these years.

The two women are buried in side-by-side graves in Tuscany. Yep, American history is gay as fuck. So have big, old queer birthday, America.

Tuesday, July 02, 2019

Vacation Vixen: Misty Copeland

I know everyone raves about ballerinas' legs, but can we discuss Misty Copeland’s back for a second? Wait, I’m going to need a minute. Wait, maybe an hour? How about two days? Hold up, how long is my vacation again?

Monday, July 01, 2019

Vacation Vixen: Gentleman Jack

What? I’m on vacation. It’s not illegal! As always, I promise to leave you with some lovely, lovely vixens to tide you over. The first is less vixen, more thermometer enthusiast. Oh, who are we kidding? Even with that hair Suranne Jones was a total babe as Anne Lister. Such unabashed butch swagger. Such unapologetically handsome dress-suits. Like I was saying, swoon city.

Friday, June 28, 2019

My Pride Weekend Crush

On this the final weekend of Pride Month, please remember that while Pride started as a riot on the streets, the most important riot will always be the one inside of our hearts. The riot that starts when we realize and to admit to ourselves our own differentness and ends when we embrace and acknowledge that very same differentness to the world. Coming out is always a personal choice. And no one should be forced out before they are ready. The goal will always be to create a world where every LGBTQIA person feels safe and protected and loved enough to come out whenever she, he, they, them want. Yes, you – you right there – you are a person. May standing together underneath this big umbrella of sexual orientation and gender identity otherness be the light and joy of all of our lives. So get out there, kittens, and celebrate the hell out of all of our beautiful differentness. Have yourself a gay old riot, kittens. Happy Pride Weekend, all.

Thursday, June 27, 2019

Taylor Made Pride

If you told wee baby gay Snarker that one day one of the biggest pop stars in the known universe would make an entire rainbow-filled music video filled with real out LGBTQ celebrities that chided “haters” for being homophobic, I’d have thought you were smoking that stuff that sometimes floated out of the back bathroom stall at school. As undeniably nice it is to have someone of the star wattage of Taylor Swift on Team Rainbow, I admit to feeling a little uneasy at all this shiny happy symbolism. It’s not that I dislike the video, it’s catchy Technicolor fun.

But it’s the same kind of unease I feel with all this new-found corporate pride we’re seeing everywhere. While I will always commend companies that support LGBTQ rights, they have to truly support LGBTQ rights and not just turn their avatars rainbow for a month. Because, repeat after me, corporations are not your friend – their only friend is money. That we the once untouchable are now suddenly profitable is a result of the tireless work of activists and advocates, not the benevolent hearts of CEOs.

It’s an interesting time to be queer. We’ve come so far. We’ve fought so hard. Yet here we are now 50 years after Stonewall, and LGBTQ people still aren’t equal to our straight, cis counterparts. Not by a long shot.

Yes, we no longer have to worry about being arrested just for being gay. Yes, we can get married and file our taxes together. Yes, we have major corporations clamoring to slap rainbows on all their products in order to court our very green dollars.

But here’s the thing. We are still getting stuffed in lockers. We’ are still getting turned away at cake shops. We are still getting fired for being ourselves. We are still getting banned from the military if we happen to be trans. We are still getting beaten on buses. We are still getting killed in the streets.

The increased acceptance of LGBTQ people in the public sphere is still a relatively new phenomenon. Ellen DeGeneres’ ratings tanked after coming out and then her show got cancelled just two decades ago. Today she is on TV every damn day and you can walk into any Target and find a “Pride” section.

My worry is that for all this surface progress, we still have so much farther to go before the law and the courts catch up. No federal laws protecting LGBTQ people from discrimination in employment. No federal laws protecting LGBT people from discrimination in housing. No federal laws protecting LGBTQ people from access to public amenities. Yet this perception of equality persists. It’s like, “Look, we gave you people marriage. And YouTube turned its logo rainbow. You’re good now, right?”

Obviously, this is not a new phenomenon in the American Political Playbook. For reference please ask any person of color if the Civil Rights Act of 1964 solved racism. Or ask any white woman if the 19th Amendment in 1920 solved sexism.

Now, to her credit, Swift advocates for the passage of the Equality Act in the Senate at the end of her video. Which is, again, undeniably nice. So I really don’t have a beef (or a Katy Perry) with Swift or this video.

I just have a beef with the precarious place we find ourselves as queer people. We are suddenly seen as more accepted than we really are. And while it’s always good to be thought of nicely, it would be even better if we were equal.

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

The Beautiful Game

This being the very last week of Pride Month, I thought I’d share some love for some of our fiercest (and in this case fittest) famous LGBTQ folks. Megan Rapinoe has been unabashedly out, loud and proud since 2012 – and wears a lot more than just a captain’s armband on her sleeve. The only reason her kneeling in solidarity against police brutality/racial inequality during the national anthem since 2016 hasn’t caused the firestorm of Colin Kaepernick because, well, this is women’s sports and you can barely get people to pay attention to us on a good day. But, world watching or without, she has been steadfast and unapologetic and unsparing in her criticism of our current political climate. In short, she’s not going to the fucking White House. And, really, no one should with that absolute garbage human being residing there. Don’t pretend what’s happening now is normal; this is America wallowing in its worst impulses. So, yeah, don’t go to the fucking White House.

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Lizzo Top Tuesday

Look, I’m late to everything music-y these days. (See: My new-found endless of love of Kacey Musgraves’ “Golden Hour”) But then again I was never one of those, “I knew X before it was cool” kind of people. So my confession is I had heard of Lizzo before, but I don’t think I actually heard Lizzo until I started jamming out to her “Truth Hurts.”

I feel like, even as a lesbian, I feel this song in my bones. Maybe it’s just the straight lady sympathy factor – because we’ve all fallen hard for one and that leaves a mark. Or that men in general deserve it. But, hello, does this song make me happy. And I hope it does you as well. Oh, and while Lizzo and her ladies aren’t technically wearing tank tops, I think their outfits might still meet one’s approval on this Tuesday. Like, a lot of approval.

Monday, June 24, 2019

Fetch Us Our Axes

Fetch us our axe, we’ve all got grinding to do. Look, these are extraordinarily shitty times (To recap: Muslim ban, children in cages, trans military ban, unprecedented corporate tax cuts, eroding LGBTQ civil liberties, vanishing abortion access for all and bodily autonomy for all people with uteruses, lifetime appointments for unqualified and unhinged federal judges, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh, willfully ignoring the looming extinction-level threat of climate change, et al). So we need to take extraordinarily aggressive counteraction. And while I’m not saying we should all take up and axe and smash the patriarchy, literally. But figuratively? Get it ladies. Unleash your Inner Joan Crawford. (Or Inner Buffy, or Inner Johanna, or Inner Tahani, Or Inner Emma Watson, Or Inner Rosario Dawson, Inner Tam-Tam, Inner Walmart Lady, Inner Menstrual Tina Fey, et al.) We’ve got some major chopping to do.

I mean, as Det. Rosa Diaz was saying.

p.s. p.s. Just a reminder, this is my personal blog which I have been writing daily for 13 years without any kind of financial compensation and I in turn provide entirely free to anyone who cares to stop and read without any advertising or other commercial distractions. As such, I say whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want. So if any so-called progressive lesbians want to defend conservatism in the United States here, you are more than welcome to stop reading and leave. Because I will never, ever condone the kind of greedy, small-minded, hate-filled and me-at-all-costs thinking that the G.O.P. and conservatism stands for today.

Friday, June 21, 2019

My Weekend Crush

You start the week with Jodie Comer, you end the week with Sandra Oh. Look, I don’t make the rules, I just follow them. While in many ways Season 2 was more about Villanelle than Eve (and more of a showcase of Jodie than Sandra), you can never underestimate an Oh. She brought a quiet power to the strange and enchanting agony of watching someone come unraveled. Eve was a mess last season. And she ended on the messiest (ahem) note possible. What I always love about “Killing Eve” is how I have absolutely no freaking idea what is going to happen next. And, so the tradition continues with Season 3. But there is one thing I know without a shadow of a doubt. Sandra Oh will knock it out of the fucking ballpark, or coliseum, or whatever ancient ruin you shoot her in. Happy weekend, all.