Music Monday: Not Uninvited

So, well, this is how I know sexuality is innate (still a spectrum, but definitely innate). Because if it weren’t innate after seeing Brandi Carlile absolutely, positively destroy “Uninvited,” how could there possible be one singular straight woman left in this world? Sorry straight ladies, we were born this way. (I mean, that primal growl at 3:45…) Happy Monday, kittens.

Music Monday: Brandi & Amy

As we head toward the waning weekends of Pride this year, I feel the need to double up on The Gay. After years of real, tangible and long-overdue progress for the LGBTQ+ community, the return of this administration has seen a terrible backslide. It’s always been a fight, but somehow this regression feels extra awful – and the scapegoating of trans people in particular is beyond cruel. For such a small sliver of the population with possibly the least power base possible to be demonized instead of – oh, I don’t know – the fact that trillionaires exist is unfathomable. Anyway, be gay, sing songs, and down with the oligarchy. Also, please enjoy Brandi Carlile and Amy Ray gaying it up at the Gorge! Happy Monday, kittens.

Music Monday: Closer to Monday

Honestly, if I had the opportunity to sing “Closer to Fine” with Brandi Carlile I too would absolutely take it. I would also, of course, since it with Amy Poehler. And, not to be undone, naturally Amy and Emily have an open invite to collab as well. I might even tell them in which key. (Don’t worry, I totally would, especially now for Emily.) Big lesbian singalong in 3-2-1… Happy Monday, kittens.

Music Monday: Want to Live Forever?

On the same day that Orange Stain threatened that “a whole civilization will die tonight” (but, of course, TACOed out), Brandi Carlile walked up to a piano and sang this rendition of Alphaville’s “Forever Young.” No, not Neil Young’s “Forever Young,” but the 80s German pop-synth group commenting on the Cold War nuclear standoff. Oh, how the times, they seem to never really change. Happy we’re still here I guess Monday, kittens.

Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while
Heaven can wait, we're only watching the skies
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst
Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?
Let us die young or let us live forever
We don't have the power but we never say never
Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
The music's for the sad man

Can you imagine when this race is won?
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising our leaders, we're getting in tune
The music's played by the, the mad man

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever, and ever
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever young

Oscar GGALGG(BBTWTTO)

So, let’s just be honest, those Oscars were pretty straight. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Kinda. But I’m pretty sure the live telecast featured zero – at least by my count – live lesbians. Yeah, sure, they featured Jane Lynch in a pre-recorded joke ad for the future YouTube Academy Awards (which is a real thing, by the way, hello 2029). And, OK, fine – Barbra Streisand showed up and sang. So there’s that. But I don’t think the camera ever panned to Oscar-nominated Tig Notaro once (admittedly, I could have missed a split-second shot, but I don’t think I did.) So I will rectify that by featuring the sapphics of the red carpet. So welcome to Gay Gals Acting Like Gay Gals By Bringing Their Wives to the Oscars (GGALGGBBTWTTO, duh)

Tig Notaro & Stephanie Allynne

So they didn’t take home the best doc Oscar for “Come See Me In the Good Light,” but what lesbian couple wants a shiny naked man in their bedroom anyway?

Brandi Carlile & Catherine Carlile

Brandi’s suit is very Captain von Trapp and I’m into it.

Abby Wambach & Glennon Doyle

I wish Abby had a tie, but bonus points for the pins. (And, of course, the bag.)

Robby Hoffman & Gabby Windey

Girls really do just love funny little guys*. (*As a Gen Xer, I reserve the right to use guys in a non-gendered way courtesy “The Electric Company” forever)

Sarah Paulson & Holland Taylor

Fine, they aren’t married that we know about. Which, come on Sarah, put a ring on that.

Auli'i Cravalho

Fine, I had to give you at least one single lady. Not that there aren’t legions of age-appropriate wlws clamouring to wife her up.

p.s. I was rooting for “Sinners,” and all I can say about “One Battle After Another” having a big night is that I’m very happy for Maya Rudloph. Oh, and I’m happy Sean Penn didn’t want to attend.

p.p.s. I thought the show was overall pretty good, Conan landed some magnificent hits, and Amy Madigan and Ed Harris are a reminder that straights can have good marriages too.

Music Monday: Joke's On Them

I’m going to see Brandi this weekend. This will be my second time seeing her, but my first since she became BRANDI FREAKING CARLILE. So, you know, that’ll be fun. I also hope that she plays “The Joke” and continues to dedicate it to the U.S. Women’s Hockey Team. Because, damn, do they deserve it. Happy Monday, kittens.

Music Monday: When Brandi Met Leisha

I never went to the Dinah, and never really wanted to, but I kinda do wanna go to Girls Just Wanna Weekend. Brandi Carlile’s annual sapphic music bacchanalia along the Mexican coast has only become bigger and cooler and gayer. OK, it’s always been pretty gay. But dueting with Leisha Hailey? And I guess The Chart really was right, because did you hear that Rose Garcia (of “The Real L Word” fame, lord, remember that show?) and her business partner purchased it from the original lesbian spring break’s founder Mariah Hanson (who has announced that 2025 would be the Palm Spring event’s last)? Anyway, where was I? Oh righ, it is always fun to remember that before Alice, there were The Murmurs. See, all roads lead to lesbianism. Happy Monday, kittens.

Music Monday: Super Sapphic

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I’m alive! Sorry, I’ve had an extremely (like crazy stupid) busy February for work. But I did make time to watch the Super Bowl, you know, to fill my once-a-year quota for straight male sportsball viewing. (Don’t worry, I’ve of course also been watching the Winter Olympics and will have some very queer thoughts about that this week.) Anyway, what I wanted to say about the Big Game – other than how much I’m looking forward to watching MAGA’s heads explode about Bad Bunny’s exquisite showcase of Latino Excellence during the halftime show – is how great it was to see Brandi Carlile sing “America the Beautiful.” Like, an out queer female icon (and wearing a suit and tie no less) invited to the biggest celebration of traditional heteronormative values. You just love to see it. Happy Monday, kittens. (Also, please say a prayer or whatever you do to ask the universe to be gentle for me, my crazy busy work February culminates later this week.)

Music Monday: The B&L Word

When I started to see clips of Leisha Hailey on stage with Brandi Carlile at the latter’s sapphic music lovers festival Girls Just Wanna Weekend, I thought maybe I was having strange lesbian feverdreams. But sometimes real life really is like queer Mad Libs. The singing Grammy gay icon with the used-to-sing/TV star/sang-again gay icon singing Radiohead’s “Fake Plastic Trees” together. While I never made it to the Dinah, I think one of these days I may just have to make one of Brandi’s weekends. I mean, just think of the iconic lesbionic onstage combinations to come. The mind boggles. Happy Monday, kittens.

Cup of Brandi

Could you imagine strolling around doing your last-minute shopping and Brandi Carlile is caroling on the corner? It’s like a miracle on Lesbian Street. That’s a free one, Hallmark. I’ll be expecting it next year. Until then, merry Christmas Eve to all who celebrate, and to all a good night.

Music Monday: Andrea & Meg Edition

I will have more, a lot more, to say about the utterly lovely “Come See Me In the Good Light,” the documentary about poet Andrea Gibson’s life with their wife Megan Falley and incurable cancer. And the movie’s theme, “Salt Then Sour Then Sweet,” from Sara Bareilles and Brandi Carlile will burrow into your heart like any good poem does. And there’s a good reason for it, because it’s an unfinished love poem from Andrea to their wife. But the lyrics we see flashing over the screen, that’s Meg’s handwriting. Love truly is the reason for it all, isn’t it? Happy Monday, kittens.

Gay Old Time

This Christo-fascist wet dream of an administration may be literally stripping the accomplishments of Black, brown, indigenous and other people of color not to mention women and transgender people from federal history. But Sunday during primetime TV two big old queers are gonna gay it up in concert together for all of America to see. On CBS, of all places. During these oppressive, anti-Diversity, Equity and Inclusion times (I believe anyone who is against DEI should have to say they are against “Diversity, Equity and Inclusion” out loud every single time they say they are against DEI), representation matters more than ever. Of course, not only are Elton and Brandi doing a primetime concert together, they’re releasing their album “Who Believes in Angels?” tomorrow as well. I feel like this era in Brandi’s career has been about collaborating and reinvigorating music icons. First Joni, now Elton. I love it all, and obviously the gayer the better. Make a joyous gay noise all over America’s Sunday nights, you two. Diversity, Equity and Inclusion makes beautiful music together, it turns out.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Next Gen Edition

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a nice suit and possibly a tie. Let the children's impeccable suit game remind us how we want to be. I feel I’ve been a little bleak this week (I mean, how can I not be), but I am greatly encouraged to see our youth (read: 20something stars) embracing the menswear on the red carpet trend. The whole oversized full suit thing? Yeah, I like it. Life doesn’t have to be so complicated. Sometimes, just put on a suit and look hot. In this intentionally crashed economy? I’ll take whatever free joy I can get. Thanks to our Gen Z stars for making this Thursday just a little bit better, regardless.

Bella Ramsey, 21

Sadly, no suits in the apocalypse. Too bad because they look great.

Jenna Ortega, 22

Bring back zoot suits, period.

Paige Bueckers, 23

Like, her whole GQ photoshoot was straight out of “Bottoms.”

Renee Rapp, 25

Oops, she forgot her jacket. (No lesbian minds.)

Chappell Roan, 27

We already know she gets the job DONE. And bonus points for having millenial superstar Brandi in a suit next to you, too.

Molly Gordon, 29

So, no jacket and too much obvious Annie Hall. But I’ve gotta assume this was a tribute to Diane, not Woody.

Ayo Edebiri, 29

While the neckwear poses some logistic challenges, it still looks fly as hell (cause, it’s a feather…I’ll see myself out…)

GGALGG: Oscars Edition

So the thing about this year’s Oscars is they were very, very, veryveryveryvery straight this year. I mean, sure, Ariana Grande opened with “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” from “The Wizard of Oz” and then Cynthia Erivo followed with “Home” from “The Whiz” and they both finished with “Defying Gravity.” Ari even had a freaking ruby slipper attached to her back. Which, I mean, sure – that’s a pretty fucking gay way to start things off. But instead of staying gay, the rest of the show was pure “Kansas Rainbow” (this is a deep “Somebody Somewhere” cut – which if you recognize it let’s be real gay together).

But after that? None of the higher-profile queer nominees won (not Cynthia, not Brandi Carlile and Elton John, not Colman Domingo and definitely not Karla Sofía Gascón). The highlights for LGBTQ+ folks was out costume designer Paul Tazewell taking home the trophy for “Wicked” – making him the first Black man to win – and Queen Latifah singing “Ease On Down The Road” (was “The Whiz” the telecast’s true winner?) with Glad trash bags tied to her shoulders.

And can we talk for a moment about how neither of the two “Emilia Perez” winners mentioning the trans community even once in their acceptance speeches? Hello??? If you’re wondering why this movie wasn’t embraced by the LGBTQ+ community, uh, that’s why. When you use us as a plot device without any real intention of representing the greater community, it shows. That and it was a bad movie, period.

Honestly, there wasn’t much SGALGG to speak of from the red carpet either. Like hardly any fun shots of straight actresses trying to Sabrina Carpenter themselves with other straight actresses, so clearly queer sensibilities had a bad night. Also, can we talk about how 25-year-old Mikey Madison pulling a surprise upset for Best Actress over 62-year-old Demi Moore is the perfect postscript to “The Substance,” because yeah.

Even if the awards were very cis and very straight, I’m here to bring the GGALGG because that’s my whole and entire mission statement. Granted, most of the Queer Lady Rainbow Mafia only showed up for the after parties – which is just another sign of our good taste. Ahem.

Cynthia Erivo & Lena Waithe

Had to find a sneaky picture of Cynthia & Lena at the Oscars because they did not pose on the red carpet together and posted individual shots of themselves at the Oscars on their respective Instas. Which, hey, I get keeping your personal lives private. But it’s the Oscars, ladies. Not even one official shot together at the Gay Superbowl?

Marissa Bode & Lauren Brooks

The “Wicked” star brought her girlfriend with her throughout the movie’s award show run and happily posed together on the red carpet so I’m not saying she wins Girlfriend of the Year but she’s definitely not losing Girlfriend of the Year for lack of effort.

Brandi Carlile & Catherine Shepherd Carlile

I love them, I don’t love their abundance of bows. Like was Brandi’s suit inspired by Minnie Mouse, what is happening? Are bows the new carabiners? Explain, universe. Explain.

Queen Latifah & Eboni Nichols

Did a Catholic middle school dance chaperone get to them and say they needed to leave space for the Holy Ghost or what?

Niecy Nash-Betts & Jackie Betts

Thank Sappho for Niecy and Jackie, a queer couple that always looks great together and will give us the Gay Superbowl photos we deserve.

Oprah & Whoopi Goldberg

Fine, while neither is truly family, I think we can all just agree they look like the most stylish couple at Senior Prom Night at their high-end 55+ community.

Laverne Cox & Hari Nef

More trans representation in one photo than the entire production of “Emilia Perez.” Enough said.

Sarah Paulson & Hannah Einbinder

It’s like spare body parts from The Substance and a fashion-forward Dalek from Doctor Who showed up as each other’s dates.

Chappell Roan & Elton John

We have reached Maximum Gay. Any more Gay and we may risk Nuclear Rainbow Overload.

Melanie Lynskey & Jason Ritter

The only straight couple I will include because after seeing Melanie in this Jessica Rabbit getup, every lesbian has reaffirmed her spot on their “Celebrity I So Would” lists. And Jason is just adorable, even though he will fight every single last one of us for lusting after his wife.

Renee Rapp

Speaking of Jessica Rabbit, I’m glad to see Renee embracing her inner – or should I say outer – Jessica as well.

Clea DuVall

Again, this is exactly how I would show up at award shows were I ever to be invited to award shows – or in this case, award show after parties.

Katy M. O’Brian

I love that these are actually pants. Oh you didn’t notice the pants because of the muscles? Yeah, you’re gay.

Christmas Brandi

Yes, I know. You already heard ”Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” this week. And I posted it from Billie Eilish (yes, her again) for Christmas last year. But, you see, it’s pretty much my favorite holiday song – in no small part because it was originally sung by Judy Garland and includes the line “make the yuletide gay.” So I will take every single version I can take, particularly when it’s sung by queer music icons like Brandi, Billie, Chappell, et al. And, well, it’s Christmas. So, please, whatever you celebrate today I hope your day is merry, bright and more than just a little gay. Merry Christmas, kittens.

Vacation Vixen: Joni’s Gay Mafia

Like, can you imagine the combined queer energy in that room? Brandi Carlile, Elton John, Chappell Roan and Lucy Dacus? Gay Mafia, indeed.

Oscars SGALGG & GGALGG

How about them Oscars? I thought they were…fine. Truly, really fine. There were some nice moments. I enjoyed the past winners introducing each of the acting nominees. I liked Ken. I love love LOVED seeing Jodie Foster and her wife Alexandra Hedison attending their first Oscars together. But first, we start with the Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gays, per ritual.

Annette Bening, Emma Stone & Lily Gladstone

Best Actress Cuddle Puddle

Regina King & Danielle Brooks

Shooting your shot on the red carpet.

Jamie Lee Curtis & Lupita Nyong'o

I included this photo because omfg Lupita’s back muscles.

Florence Pugh

I included this photo because omfg Flo’s everything.

Kerry Washington & Sandra Oh

If Kerry wanted to become an international assassin who falls in love/obsession with Sandra, I would watch that – but tell them to stay away from boat decks.

Emma Stone & Jennifer Lawrence & Sally Fields

Emma went May-December on her backstage makeouts.

America Ferrera & Gay Gals

I would watch an alternate universe Barbie where America’s Gloria runs off with Kate McKinnon’s Weird Barbie.

I would also watch an alternate universe Barbie where America was Barbie and Billie Eilish was Ken.

I would watch America, Lena Waithe and Cynthia Erivo read the phone book, among other things.

And the Best Lesbian Oscars Photo Goes To

Jodie and her wife Alexandra and Brandi Carlile & her wife Catherine Shepherd together at the Oscars after parties. Sometimes, it really does get better.

Music Monday: Closer to Barbie

Yes, I saw the Barbie movie. And, yes, I loved the Barbie movie. I basically haven’t stopped thinking about it. But, more on that later (like Friday, promise). But, before that, I think I need to send an important reminder to all the straight women who watched the movie this weekend. “Closer to Fine” is ours. Well, it’s ours and Weird Barbie’s. And don’t you ever forget it. You’re of course welcome to sing along. Of course. But, again, ours.

Just in case you were thinking of forgetting it, please enjoy Brandi Carlile and her wife Catherine Carlile singing THE lesbian classic for the Barbie soundtrack. Mini-Spoiler: The Indigo Girls version appears in the film, Brandi and Catherine’s rendition is on a bonus soundtrack. But hey, the more lesbian-sung Closer to Fines the better, I say. Happy Monday, kittens.

p.s. Here is them doing it live — as the now completely culturally irrelevant Bill O’Reilly used to say — and being super cute. And sounding great! Go see Barbie!

Music Monday: Sara & Brandi Edition

I’ve wanted to go to Brandi Carlile’s annual Girls Just Wanna Weekend event since she started them back in 2018. I made it a goal last year to get tickets to the music festival at some point in the near future. The all-inclusive Mexican getaways always seemed like a more music-oriented, less party hardy Dinah Shore. But their hefty price tag and now lack of a dedicated traveling companion have put a pause on those plans for now. But at least we can enjoy this year’s fruits from afar, like this duet between Brandi and Sara Bareillis on her beautiful “She Used to be Mine.” This song stirs up such fierce emotions each time I hear it, and in Sara and Brandi’s hands it’s nothing short of a masterpiece. I listened to it half a dozen times in a row, which let me warn you in advance will eventually make you sob in your living room. Or maybe just me. Life is what happens when we’re making other plans. But, no matter how late, there’s still time to rewrite an ending or two for all of us. Happy Monday, kittens.

My Year-End Crush

This was, to say the least, not my year. But, if I think hard enough there were some good things about this past year. Like, if I think really, really hard. Like I watched some good stuff this year, so there is that. Here are the favorite things I watched in 2022.

Movies: Everything Everywhere All At Once

Despite all the multiverse madness/dildo fights in this insane, kaleidoscope of a movie, its story boils down quite simply to love your lesbian daughter, and your life. So, obviously, I loved this movie. Obviously.

TV: Station Eleven

As much as I love, love, loved “Yellowjackets” and “A League of Their Own” and “High School” and “Somebody Somewhere” and season 2 of “Hacks” and season 2 of “Girls5Eva” and season 2 of "Abbott Elementary" (and none for you, final season of “Killing Eve” because you know what you did…), the series that moved me the most this past year was the one about the end of the world. Something about this quiet, thoughtful and against all odds filled with hope apocalypse show just stuck with me. This is a kinder, gentler but no less profound look at how we might rebuild something of meaning from the rubble of our modern lives.

Music: Joni & Brandi

Brandi Carlile and friends bringing back Joni Mitchell to sing at this summer’s Newport Folk Festival wasn’t just inspired and deeply moving. It was a reminder that the luckiest amongst us get to see our art and truths deepen over the years. Age doesn’t always bring wisdom, unfortunately. But truly beautiful things have a way of touching the parts of us that defy space and time.

So, what were your favorites this wretched year? Buh-bye, 2022. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. But thanks for the good stuff to watch, I guess. Happy weekend and New Year, all.