X-cellent Ladies

I guess this is the week I write about trailers for movies I’m not actually that excited to watch but will have to begrudgingly watch because of HOT WOMEN. Truly, I am really that simple. Anyway, I’ve watched (I think) most of the Fast & Furious franchise films, though not necessarily in order and not necessarily at full attention. But the new Fast X brings together not just Michelle Rodriguez, not just Charlize Theron, not just Helen Mirren, but also now Brie Larson and, like, I’m only human. If you make Charlize and Michelle bare-knuckle fight each other I am going to watch. There is no other option. Show me the carnage.

p.s. Also, I just remembered that I didn’t watch No. 9 because they were wankers and gave Charlize this haircut. I mean she still pulls it off, but come on.

Dungeons & Problematic Favs

Me, a serious arts critic: This movie looks ridiculous, and cheesy.

Me, a serious lesbian: Wait, it has Michelle Rodriguez in it? In body armor? Where’s my wallet?

Honestly, sometimes it’s that simple. I think, perhaps, the reason this looks a tad cheesy is because it’s so brightly lit. We’ve been conditioned to think fantasy franchises need to be Dark And Broody and VERY DARK just physically, as in where is the light switch dark. Remember the Battle of Winterfell? Game of Thrones was a chief proponent of making things so dark you don’t know what the hell is happening.

Truly, I hope this movie is the fun kind of ridiculous, cheesy overtones and all. If you’re going to create elaborate, mystical other worlds — for goodness sake light them so we can see them. Also, admittedly, casting Michelle helps.

Oh Boy

Uh, so this seems like a bad idea – right? There is a new movie in production called “Tomboy, a Revenger’s Tale” that “centers on an ace assassin who is double-crossed by gangsters and falls into the hands of rogue surgeon known as ‘The Doctor,’ who turns him into a woman. The hitman (now a hitwoman) sets out for revenge…” Now, it’s hard to fully judge given that all we have is a two-sentence synopsis right now, but who read those two sentences and said, “Yes!” in the first place? If I’m reading that right this is a film about a forced gender reassignment surgery and subsequent revenge fantasy. Like I was saying, this seems like a bad idea – right?

But what’s throwing me for the biggest loop about this movie is that it will star Michelle Rodriguez (as the assassin) and Sigourney Weaver (as the surgeon). I KNOW! Two of the female action biggest bad-asses in the world. Under almost any other circumstances I’d be thrilled that these two were going to star opposite one another. But this transgender sex reassignment as punishment that must be avenged hooey is, well, hooey.

GLAAD has already issues a statement saying as much. Why couldn’t this have just been a story about a trans hitwoman? Or a story about a tomboy assasin? Heck, even a revenge story about a wanted (though botched – à la “Hedwig and the Angry Inch”) gender reassignment surgery would have been better. But this? Yeah, this seems like a bad idea. And that ain’t right.

Confidently Gay

May I present to you Demi Lovato’s continued flirtation with lesbianism, lesbian iconography and things in general pertinent to your lesbian interests. (Yes, yes – don’t worry, I’m just saying “lesbian” because it sounds funnier that way – but it’s also pertinent to your bisexual, genderqueer, trans and otherwise sexually other interests.) While some may have dismissed “Cool for the Summer” as too queer baity, I rather liked that little jam. And, to be honest, I thought it celebrated sexual fluidity rather than titillated for the sake of getting dudes watch hot girl-on-girl action.

Anyway, so Demi is back with more super gay imagery. And while nothing explicitly gay happens, it’s a video starring Demi Lovato and Michelle Rodriguez. Come on.

So, with that, here is a breakdown of the most totally gay moments in her new video “Confident.” Granted, it would be better if they actually made out and/or joined a softball team together. But you have to believe that’s still coming.

Butch posturing


More butch posturing


Dealing with the male gaze


Realizing you have a mutual ex


Heavy flirting


Consummation


Deciding to U-Haul


Turning down unsolicited threesome requests


Riding off into the sunset together

Tank Top Tuesday

So it has been undeniably strange watching “The 100” warrior leader play the “Fear the Walking Dead” sullen teen. But Alycia Debnam-Carey has done admirably in both. Though I can’t help but think with a little more eye paint Lexa could kick all those zombies’ butts no problem. So in honor of some other great transformations, here are some more great ladies in tank tops.

Alycia Debnam-Carey

Still needs more eyeliner – and weaponry.

Shannyn Sossamon

You may only remember her as the asymmetrical chunky pixie cut girl from all those early 2000s movie. But I, for one, am super excited to see her as the big bad on this season of “Sleepy Hollow.”

Angela Bassett

She is supposed to hook-up with Lady Gaga on “American Horror Story: Hotel” this season. Like you aren’t watching just for that, too.

Ashlyn Harris

To most of America she is Hope Solo’s back-up. To lesbians she is half of Krashlyn.

Michelle Rodriguez

I would have never guessed she would become the girl who loves to post Instagram pictures of herself in sparkly ball gowns and on fancy yachts in Ibiza. But, hey, at least she still also looks great in a tank top.

Rachel Skarsten

Turning Tamsin into a lovesick teenager AND a sexual assault victim in one season? Wow, show, wow.

p.s. Full recap of Lost Girl episode 5.13 up today at AfterEllen.

Tank Top Tuesday

I don’t understand… I’m so confused… I just…wait, what? So yesterday “news” broke that Michelle Rodriguez and Zac Efron were dating. Like with a picture of them kissing and everything. Irrefutable proof! I mean, they’re both in their bathing suits. That’s just science. Considering M-Rod has stated publically that she is bisexual, this should not be a big deal. But, if you talk to every lesbian on the planet’s gaydar, it’s a big fucking shock. Like, are they trolling the world? Is it April 1? Hey, more power to them. Two people who work out and wax that much deserve each other. And, you know, who she is smooching certainly doesn’t affect how she looks in a tank top.

Michelle Rodriguez

Remember when she looked like this? Yeah, hence the shock.

Rutina Wesley

So I guess I was wrong. Tara is really, truly dead. Jesus, what a shitty, disrespectful way to kill off a character that has been on the show all seven seasons – off screen. Ugh, at this point I’m hoping every single character dies. Fine, maybe not Pam.

Sasha Alexander

Please, tell me last week wasn’t just about Jane asking Maura to raise the baby with her? Be more gay, show. I mean it.

Lena Headey

I watched “Dredd” in between my Netflix lesbian movie marathon over the weekend too. Even with that scar and homicidal attitude, I’d totally hit it.

Heather Morris & Naya Rivera

Yesyerday it was confirmed that Naya Rivera would no longer be a series regular for the sixth and final (shitty, come on, you know it will be) season of “Glee” – and instead just be a recurring character. At least one of those “recurring” moments better involve Brittany.

Days of Our Lesbians

It was a big news week for us gay ladies. Some of it mere rumor, some of it true facts. K-Stew may or may not be dating her lady BFF. Naya Rivera may or may not be fired from “Glee.” Michelle Rodriguez may or may not have broken up with her model girlfriend Cara Delevingne. Queen Latifah definitely wants to star in a biopic about bisexual singer Bessie Smith helmed by out “Pariah” director Dee Rees. Sarah Silverman definitely is playing a lesbian on the new season of “Masters of Sex.” And Ellen Page most very definitely looks hot on the cover of Flare magazine. And wasn’t it just last week Jodie Foster got married to Ellen DeGeneres’ ex-girlfriend? EVERYTHING HAPPENS SO MUCH.

These are heady times to be a gay lady, indeed.

I kid, of course. I mean the definitelys are definitely positive. Thought, dammit, does this mean I have to start watching “Masters of Sex” again? But mostly I just want to say what an interesting time we live in. When I started this blog eight (yes – EIGHT) years ago, it seemed only a pipe dream that so much news about out lesbian actresses/lesbian and bisexual characters/rumored lesbians would happen in less than a week. Speaking of those eight years ago, I realize I missed my eighth blogiversary last Thursday. So I’ll blame my last weekend lapse in posting on unconscious anniversary partying. And, as I do every year, I want to thank you all for sticking around all this time. Heady times, indeed.

p.s. I claim absolutely no knowledge of the veracity of the “may or may not” items. I am Jon Snow, I know nothing.

p.s. I really wasn’t kidding about how great Ellen Page looks in Flare. I feel old and skeevy just thinking about it.

My End-of-the-Year Crush

It’s been a bad year for closets. A bunch of famous ladies decided to only store their clothes in them and join our big gay family. Granted, many of us knew about many of them already. But there’s still something so special – and so necessary – about making it official. And there was such a wide array of ways they all came out: at award shows, on morning TV, in magazine interview, through newspaper columns and, yes, even on Twitter.

Here’s a look at The Out Eight of 2013 (I know, there were more, but these are some of the most high profile. Autostraddle has a nice run-down of alllll the ladies who kicked open the closet.)

Jodie Foster, actress

Sure, it was a little rambling and never quite said the “L” or “G” words, but Jodie’s coming out acceptance speech at the Golden Globes in January was the confirmation of something we all knew but also though would never go acknowledged. And now she’s got a hottie girlfriend out of the deal. Get it, girl.

Jenna Wolfe, TV journalist

The NBC “Today Weekend” anchor came out and announced her and her partner’s impending parenthood on the popular morning show in March. She gave birth to a baby girl in August. As I don’t get up early on the weekends, I wasn’t too familiar with Jenna before the announcement. But, goodness, am I glad I did my research. Hello, arm porn.

Brittney Griner, professional basketball player

After being selected the No. 1 draft pick by the WNBA in April, Brittney came out in a matter-of-fact way during an interview afterward. Granted, she’d never been necessarily in. But saying it out loud with confidence and pride silences the snide whispers. Being able to dunk on them doesn’t hurt either.

Charice, actress and singer

You might remember Charice from “Glee.” Or you might know the Filipina superstar from her own music. But even if you don’t know her at all you have to commend her courage in coming out this June in an often conservative and largely Roman Catholic country. Also, love the hair.

Raven-Symone, actress and singer

Coming out is now so Raven. I’ll happily date myself and say that I can remember little Raven-Symone as the adorable Olivia on “The Cosby Show.” And for others she was the sassy Raven and lead singer of The Cheetah Girls. So coming out in a tweet about marriage equality in August after so many grew up with her makes such a difference.

Michelle Rodriguez, actress

Yeah, finally. After years of talking loudly about not being gay and liking sausage, the actress came out as bisexual in an Entertainment Weekly article this October. She followed it up by telling Latina magazine she decided to be honest about who she is to “see what happens.” Well, honey, what happened? Other than that long-awaited toaster oven you got in the mail.

Abby Wambach, professional soccer player

While she wasn’t necessarily in, she certainly never said it out loud. So getting married to teammate Sarah Huffman and gushing about their big day and thanking well-wishers on Twitter made it official this October. Saying I do and I am all at once means one hell of a honeymoon.

Maria Bello, actress

Modern love can lead to modern families. And Maria Bello wrote eloquently about her own when she came out in a New York Times column earlier this month. She didn’t label herself (well, she called herself a “whatever”), but put words to the love she has for her female partner, the platonic father of her son and their child.

So, there you have it. Eight women who decided the truth was better than any dark closet. Here’s to another open year in 2014. Happy weekend, all.

Hot Rod

How do you solve a problem like Michelle Rodriguez? On the one hand, she’s amazing. Hot, fierce, unwilling to compromise her vision of self for the confines of conventional femininity. On the other hand, she’s perplexing. Protesting, some would say way too much, about how much Mitchie likes sausage and other things that alienate her from her steadfast lesbian and bisexual female fanbase.

So I, like many a gay lady, had the same reaction when that “Fast & Furious 6” trailer came on during the Super Bowl earlier this month. No. 1, Oh, for fuck’s sake, why is there another one of these? And No. 2, oh, fuck, that’s Michelle Rodriguez in a tank top. Then a distant No. 3 was, wait, didn’t her character die? Stripping all sexual politics away, Michelle appeals to lesbians (not all, clearly, but oh so many) on a very basic level. Her toughness, her strength and her absolute smoking hotness in a tank top tap into our communal primal vein.

Which, I think, is why it’s even more disappointing when she’s erratic when we expect her to be empowering. I don’t pretend to know, for 100 percent certain, M-Rod’s sexual orientation. (Though I do have a female friend who swears she hit on her at a party.) Nor do I want to take away her right to, if it is indeed the case, come out on her own terms and in her own time. I just wish, from all of us, that she was as cool at dealing with her queer female fans and their complimentary wishful thinking as she was while kicking ass and wearing a tank top in the movies.

While I have, very proudly, never seen a single “Fast & Furious” movie from start to finish, I will say whenever the movie comes out I plan to search the series of tubes feverishly to see the fight between Michelle and Gina Carano that starts at the 2:23 mark in this trailer.

Combat ready

Now, I’m no fan of violence, war or fighting. But I am a fan of equal rights and opportunity. So I applaud the news that broke yesterday that the military was lifting its ban on women in combat. Because being equal means just that. The opportunity to do the same work, face the same challenges, make the same sacrifices and reap the same honors as everyone else. And I also applaud it because it makes conservative nitwits like Tucker Carlson angry at feminism. Which, you know, bonus.

But me being me and all, I must celebrate this historic step in women’s rights the only way I see fit. With hot ladies in uniform, of course. Women of the military, both fictional and real, we salute you.

Dana Delany, China Beach

Just thinking about the opening theme gives me shivers.

Heather Peace, Ultimate Force

Hot Cop meet Hot Soldier

Glenn Close, Serving in Silence

Just think, movies like this won’t ever have to be made again.

Rose Rollins, The L Word

Is it weird that when DADT was lifted, I thought, “Oh, good, now Tasha will get her full benefits.”

Jessica Biel, Stealth

I never saw this movie, but the costume department deserves some sort of award.

Jordana Brewster, Annapolis

I also never saw this movie, but ditto on the costume department.

Michelle Rodriguez, Avatar

Technically she was a solider for hire, but let’s not spilt hairs.

Katee Sackhoff, Battlestar Galactica

Soldiers in futuristic militaries on distant star systems totally count.

Demi Moore, G.I. Jane

Oh, like I wasn’t going to use the one-armed pushup.

A grateful universe thanks you for your service, ladies.

Tank Top Tuesday: Global Warming Edition

It’s been an unusually warm winter out here in California. Granted, it’s California. So it’s always going to be warmer in the winter than, say, Minnesota. But still, even for the Golden State it’s a little nuts. Especially up here in Northern California. I mean, it’s supposed to hit the 70s this week. It’s still February, right? I know this should probably be wringing my hands about global warming and our carbon emissions. And – don’t worry, Al Gore – I totally do. But I’m also a tiny bit selfishly grateful for our depleted ozone layer. Because it means ladies are going to break out the tank tops that much faster. Hey, don’t judge me. I recycle.

Troian Bellisario

I’m so behind on my “Pretty Little Liars.” Is Spencer gay yet? Because she should be.

Lena HeadeyRemember when Lena was on that show about robots from the future and she ran around in a lot of tank tops. Yeah, me too.

Olivia WildeRemember when Olivia was on that show about teenagers from The O.C. and she made out with Mischa Barton? Yeah, me too.

Maria BelloOh, “Prime Suspect,” you could have been so damn good.

Halle BerryIt’s been 10 years since she won her Oscar. I know, that is blowing my mind too.

Mila KunisMore movies where you make out with Natalie Portman. Less movies where you make out with Justin Tumberlake. Oh, and don’t even consider making out with Ashton Kutcher again, honey.

Charlize TheronEvery time I see her in a tank top I think, “You know what, $140,000 for a kiss might even be a little low.”

Michelle RodriguezIf I had a dollar for each time Michelle gave a camera this look I’d be able to buy everyone of you a tank top, and then some.

Hope Solo

OK, OK – this isn’t “technically” a tank top. But it sure makes me appreciate warm weather. Also sweat. Also abs. Mmmm, abs.

Right, so maybe our carbon footprint isn’t looking so great. But until the rising oceans swallow all the land, I’m going to enjoy this silver lining while I can.