Welcome to Spoilerdome

OK folks, I got your L Word season-ending spoilers right here. Beware all who enter. Rough seas ahead. And by rough, I mean a Max sex scene. In all seriousness, if you do not want to be spoiled for the remainder of season 4, STOP READING NOW! I mean it. This is not a drill. The shit is going down. Right, so everyone still here has been warned. And now I’ll go over the rules. Yes, there are rules. There are always rules.

1. If you plan to repost this information, please attribute and link. It’s only polite.
2. Please link back instead of taking or reposting any of the photos (with ditto on the attribution/linkage). Also, I’m making the big spoiler screencaps click-to links. Otherwise, it would be too easy to casually spoil innocent bystanders.
3. I’m going to go by character/couple instead of episode. If you want episode-specific spoilers, come back Saturdays for my Pre-L pre-caps in advance of the Sunday shows.
4. I’d be happy to clear up any confusion on the items posted here, but if you want additional spoilers please come back Saturdays. I’ve received tons of individual requests and, while I don’t mind feeding people’s insatiable appetites for L Word minutiae, I do have other activities I need to participate in on a daily basis. Ping pong comes to mind.

And away we go, in alphabetical order:

Alice/Tasha -- All is going well (and super cute, look at them on that bike!) until Alice gives Tasha an engraved watch. The watch triggers a flashback to the death of a friend in Iraq, and Tasha storms out. Alice goes to confront her on the base, which doesn’t go well since Tasha has already been warned by her superiors to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Have a Life. Later, Tasha shows up at Alice’s apartment and drops a bomb: she is shipping back to Iraq. They fight about her deployment - Alice says she should get out of it and Tasha says she doesn’t want to get out of it. Tasha invites Alice to her going away party, but Alice waffles. Then a surprise visit from an old friend talks her out of her stupidity (God, I’ve missed her). Alice goes to the party and she and Tasha cuddle on the beach until the sun rises. Sigh.
Helena/Catherine -- Helena descends deeper and deeper into the world of gambling (and kept womanhood) with Catherine. She decides to play the ponies, on Catherine’s tip, and loses all the money she had planned to invest in Alice’s Chart. The girls begin to question their relationship. Helena insists that it’s OK, but continues to be her gopher --her sexy gopher. Catherine agrees to host Tasha’s going away party at her beach house and later that night gives Helena an intriguing offer. She wants to wager on how long Shane and Paige will stay together. If Catherine wins, Helena must be her servant/sex slave for a year. If she loses, Helena gets a $1 million. Instead, after Catherine leaves, Helena opens the safe and takes all the cash. Show her the money, indeed.
Jenny -- Jenny and Tina finally meet the right director, Kate (Annabella Sciorra), who is hot off a successful indie film. Not to mention, just plain hot. Meanwhile, Jenny’s book “Lez Girls” is published and causes quite a stir, most notably for Bette who is - shall we say - not amused. Of course, this being Jenny, she descends into her own special spiral of crazy. In her case it involves being unable to write an intelligible script, getting herself another dog (named, yes, Sounder) and storming uninvited into a story meeting in full bitch mode. She also has some insane theory about lesbians all wanting pet monkeys as children. Any takers? She gets canned from the film and decides to take a dingy out on the water during Tasha’s farewell party. When last we see her she is adrift on the ocean. Symbolism much?
Jodi/Bette -- Bette plans a big dinner party to introduce Jodi to the gang. This being Bette, she descends into her own special spiral of crazy. In her case it involves making lists (and copies of lists), poring over seating arrangements and micromanaging the fun out of everything. During the party, she can’t stop herself from answering for Tina, translating for Jodi and attacking Kit for her drinking. Jodi confronts her and leaves. Later, Bette is also royally pissed off by Jenny’s book. Jenny’s characterization of her causes a commotion around campus. Then, Jodi is chosen to create an outdoor sculpture for an art center in New York and accepts. Bette learns about this via a memo read by Phyllis. She doesn’t attend the going away reception and by the time she decides to make up Jodi is packed and on a plane (wow, these academic types move fast…they‘re like Special-Ops). On advice from Tina (more on that below) Bette takes a chance and goes for a grand romantic gesture to win her back. She steals a large sign Jodi has always admired that reads “17 Reason Why” from an abandoned building with help from accomplices Alice and Shane. She then shows up to Jodi’s rural New York work site towing the reassembled sign behind her on a tractor. Jodi tells her not to break her heart and they kiss down on the farm.
Kit/Papi/Angus -- Kit’s downward spiral with the bottle continues. At the dinner party, Bette chides her for drinking and Kit storms out with Papi in tow. Then Kit tries on a little lesbianism for size with her new mack daddy puppy dog, but it doesn’t fit. Later at the Planet, Kit hits bottom after snorting nose candy and asks Angus for help. When last we see her, a more sober Kit is walking along the beach with Papi on one arm and Angus on the other. Talk about a bizarre love triangle.
Max/Grace -- Max goes home for his mother’s funeral with Grace at his side. Predictably, this goes badly. While he is rejected at first by his family, his father makes a sort of peace with him. But Max decides, ultimately, to not attend the burial and watches from afar. Back in LA, he finally quits his job after continued slights and backstabbing. Alas, this does not end the inane computer speak since Grace and Max keep working on the Chart. And in between tech geekery, they get it on like Donkey Kong. Grace’s acceptance of Max’s body makes him reconsider his double mastectomy.
Phyllis -- She reads Jenny’s “Lez Girls” and wants to know if it’s all true about Bev and the plumber. Then her daughter Molly arrives with Leonard to convince her she is not gay. She runs off with the divorce lawyer instead. Gee, who could that be?
Shane/Paige -- They should rename the show “Naked Time with Shane and Paige.” Shane plans a surprise birthday party for Paige at the Planet. She also thinks about settling down, buying a house and raising the kiddies in the burbs. Who is this Shane person? They struggle with how to break the relationship to Jared, Paige’s son, who isn’t too keen on mom being a big ol’ lez. During a roll in the proverbial hay, Shane imagines how their shiny, smiling life would be together. She as the buttoned-down bread winner. Paige as the happy homemaker. And Shay and Jared as their Leave it to Beaver boys. They then go to Tasha’s party very much a couple. Seriously, who is this Shane person?
Tina/Bette -- Lord, where do I start? Bette, under Jodi’s advice, invites Tina to her dinner party and she, in turn, decides to bring Kate. Oh, her and Henry end their heterosexual charade. Good riddance. The dinner goes badly, as expected. Later, Tina comforts Bette about the breakup with Jodi. They talk like exes who are still friends really talk and then share a lovely, quiet hug. Tina realizes she would like to get back together, but thinks it is too late because Bette has met her match in Jodi. Instead, she helps Bette win her back. First she Cyrano de Bergeracs an email to Jodi for Bette that admits all her micromanaging, belittling, putting people in a box ways. Then she suggests a grand romantic gesture in lieu of boring old flower. Bette, in turn, thinks Tina isn’t interested in getting back together because she is helping her get back with Jodi. She asks Tina for one more piece of advice: What to tell Jodi when she gives her the sign? Then Tibetters hear the words they’ve longed for since season 2, “I never should have let you go.” Alas, context. Context.
Tina/Kate -- Tina and Kate get some serious flirt on. Kate makes her intentions pretty clear, but Tina is reluctant though not uninterested. No kissing. No sex. A little hand-holding. A lot more ogling. I hope we see more of Kate next season cause, uh, damn.

Finally, the season finale ends with Pink’s “Dear Mr. President” playing in the background. Yes, this is a political statement. No, it’s not subtle. But, hey, it’s a damn good song. Expect much more drama to come because the L Word was officially greenlit for a season five yesterday. And I’m done. Hope you enjoyed the show.

UPDATE: A few quick points: 1) These spoilers are for the last three episodes, not just the finale. 2) Specific episode spoilers are posted in the Pre-L caps on Saturdays. 3) I have NO SPOILERS WHATSOEVER on season 5 other than that it just got approved. Production begins this summer. 4) Don’t forget to click on the highlighted links for big-time spoiler pics. And 5) Don’t be shy, leave a comment. Consider it your way of tipping your server.