My Weekend Crush

Well, it’s been another extraordinary week for Team USA and Team World at the Olympics. As we head into the final weekend, I’d like to provide some intellectual analysis of how our inspirational performances have helped reinvigorated long-dormant patriotism within a deeply divided nation. I mean, I’d like to do that – theoretically. But instead I’m just going to be deeply, deeply shallow. Because is it just me or is every single Team USA women's gold medalist in track & field like the hottest person you've ever seen in your whole entire life? Respectfully.

The second week of the Olympics has featured America’s best and brightest track and field stars. And, goodness, have these athletes delivered. Gold for Sydney McLaughlin-Levrone in the 400m hurdles. Gold for Tara Davis-Woodhall in long jump. Gold for Gabby Thomas in the 200m. Gold for Valarie Allman in discus. And that’s just so far.

Each one of these women is unbelievably talented, determined, accomplished and, yes, hot. While it shouldn’t be terribly surprising that the most athletic people on the planet are also terribly good looking. But, like, they’re all just so inescapably attractive. Truly, it hardly seems fair to us mere mortals. But at least we get to gaze upon these modern-day super(hot)heroes.

Though, honestly, all the US team’s female medalists – gold, silver and bronze – in track and field so far are just…*lower lip bite* (Anna Cockrell, Annette Echikunwoke, Sha’Carri Richardson, et al, I totally see you). And if we’re being really honest, track and field is filled with smoke shows regardless of the country. Go Team World, indeed. Look, I watch the Olympics for its spectacle of global goodwill, competition and excellence. But I also watch it because these women athletes are just astonishing to behold. And sometimes, well, you just want to spend two weeks watching the fastest, highest, strongest and hottest among us. Respectfully. Happy last weekend of the Olympics, all.