“It’s not easy to find a man whose celebrity crush list includes both Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson. Both actresses are gorgeous, sure, but in such different ways that they seem almost of separate species.”
Uhm, what? Separate species? Seriously, what? OK, granted, I may not be privy to the inner-workings of the straight-male mind but this is some crazy, crazy talk. What man wouldn’t want Scarlett and Natalie on his list? Heck, what human wouldn’t find them both attractive, period? The whole premise of their new film, “The Other Boleyn Girl,” is that King Henry VIII found them both so hot, he did them both. Have we learned nothing from history?
I had a hell of a time getting past the ridiculousness of the lede, but I soldiered on to read the rest of the article. But instead of being rewarded for my efforts, I had to stop, several times, to keep my blood pressure in check. Could the descriptions of the two be a more perfect illustration of the old Madonna-whore cliché that Natalie herself bemoaned quite rightly? But wait, in the movie they’re apparently playing against type! Utter madness, I tell you.
Did the editors all have their bullshit meters turned off? Or perhaps they were just too distracted by the two incredibly hot women in the photos to notice. Oh, sorry, according to the writer’s thesis, they’d have to be distracted by only one of the hot women.
The constant juxtaposing of Scarlett as the voluptuous fun-loving girl and Natalie as the reserved serious-minded girl was grating. But the idea that it was somehow shocking that women with differing personalities could actually get along was downright insulting. Oh, and then there’s this last few lines of the article where Scarlett talks about the press calling her promiscuous because of her twice-annual AIDS tests:
“That’s totally responsible,” Portman says. “A great role-model thing to talk about.”
Of course, coming from Portman, an endorsement of safe sex doesn’t sound scandalous. Perhaps it’s her Harvard degree or—let’s be honest—her smaller cup size.
Oh, of course, because we can only take women with small breasts seriously. To further prove this, let’s conduct a little experiment.
Scarlett says: “Always be sure to recycle.”
Natalie says: “Always be sure to recycle.”
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.