Pre-L: Lassoed

L403 - “Lassoed”
I’ve decided to post my season 4 L Word pre-caps on Saturday, instead of Sunday. Gives you an extra day to study. Enjoy.

1) Jenny gets a bad case of vagina wig 2) Shane and Shay go back to school.

3) T&A Nadia gets frisky. Bette Purrs. But will she pounce? 4) Alice and Helena are the Oscar and Felix of lesbian roommates.

5) Max apparently shops at the Manly Man clothing store. Grease smudges not included. Nor are swim trunks.

6) Tina hosts a gay-straight mixer. It’s just as boring as it sounds.

7) Shane, Papi. Papi, Shane.

8) Angus tastes success. Tastes like chicken. Rubber chicken.

9) Phyllis cowgirls up. And dreams of lassoing a certain lil’ doggie.

New Guestbian Count: 0

Best Line: “Try not to make her feel like she is the oldest fucking lesbian on the planet.” - Bette

Low Point: Not-so-sly dig at L Word critics: “Lesbians love to eat their own. It’s true.” - Alice

My Weekend Crush

Let us talk, for a moment, about the serene beauty that is Robin Wright Penn. She is, clearly, a gorgeous woman. Let me particularly emphasize the woman part. So many pretty young things today are all hard bodies and taut skin. But they are girls. Robin is no girl, and I mean that in the most complimentary way. The 40-year-old actress looks like a woman. She has grown into the exquisite architecture of her face. She radiates a calm wisdom that is more soothing than 1,000 cups of chamomile tea. Plus, the woman was Princess Buttercup for God’s sake. Happy weekend, all.

Sister, can you spare a dime, or $1,500 million?

If by chance you are looking for a sugar mama to come whisk you away to live happily ever after in the manner which you always hoped to become accustomed, do I have a hot tip you for. Forbes released a list of the Top 20 Richest Woman in Entertainment yesterday. Sure, only one out lesbian makes the list (Ellen at No. 17 with $65 million). But don’t let that stop your gold digging. Plenty of ladies on the list could, under the right circumstances, be persuaded. I mean, Oprah’s already “a little gay.” We all know Madonna has played for pretty much every team on the planet. And Cameron is on the rebound now that Justin is no longer bringing the sexyback to her. I say, go for it.

1. Oprah Winfrey = $1,500 million
2. J.K. Rowling = $1,000 million
3. Martha Stewart = $638 million
4. Madonna = $325 million
5. Celine Dion = $250 million
6. Mariah Carey = $225 million
7. Janet Jackson = $150 million
8. Julia Roberts = $140 million
9. Jennifer Lopez = $110 million
10. Jennifer Aniston = $110 million
11. Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen = $100 million
12. Britney Spears = $100 million
13. Judith “Judge Judy” Sheindlin = $95 million
14. Sandra Bullock = $85 million
15. Cameron Diaz = $75 million
16. Gisele Bundchen = $70 million
17. Ellen DeGeneres = $65 million
18. Nicole Kidman = $60 million
19. Christina Aguilera = $60 million
20. Renee Zellweger = $45 million

Can I just say, Judge Judy, who knew?

On the road

What do a lesbian road trip, a severed head and a briefcase full of plaster penises have in common? I’ll give you a minute. Still thinking? Would it help if I said it was an Oscar-winning screenwriter? Didn’t think so. All these divergent components unite in the new project by Ethan Cohen (half of the acclaimed Coen Brothers team behind “Fargo” and “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”) titled “Drive-Away Dykes.” Yes, you read that right.

Let me also assure you about the veracity of the next sentence. The film is billed as a naughty lesbian road-trip action comedy that includes all of the above ingredients plus “plenty of boyless sex.“ The plot follows the wild road trip shenanigans of a “skirt-chasing party girl“ and her “buttoned-down friend.” But plot-schmot, did I mention the plenty of boyless sex part?

The L.A. Times reports that Allison Anders (“Gas Food Lodging,“ “Four Rooms”) is attached to direct. No word on the stars yet, but the names Holly Hunter and Selma Blair have been bandied about. Well, Selma already had the hair for it. I think the film’s tagline says it all: “Women on the road. All kinds of action.”

Anatomy of hate

Wow, I feel compelled to write about war of words between the “Grey’s Anatomy” stars. T.R. Knight was on Ellen today and opened up about the whole ugly affair. He confirmed reports that costar Isaiah Washington called him a “faggot” on set.

A short recap: In October, Washington and Patrick Dempsey got in a fight where Washington hurled the slur at Knight. This forced Knight, who was not out, to tell People magazine he was gay. Things settled down until Washington brought it back up at the Golden Globes telling reporters “I did not call T.R. a faggot. Never happened, never happened.” Costar Katherine Heigl then sprung to Knight’s defense, saying, “I’m going to be really honest right now: (Washington) needs to just not speak in public. Period. I’m sorry, that did not need to be said, I’m not OK with it.” She went on to say, “T.R. is my best friend. I will throw down for that kid. I will beat you up. I will use every ounce of energy I have to take you down if you hurt his feelings.”

Two thoughts: 1) How awesome is Katherine Heigl? And 2) How much does Isaiah Washington need to get fired?

My final thought: How amazing is it to watch two gay stars talk frankly about their sexuality and the prejudice they face on a popular, nationally-syndicated show? And not the kind of show where people get up and start throwing chairs at one another.

UPDATE: Whew, a lot has happened since Washington’s f-bomb at the Globes. First, on Wednesday GLAAD issued a statement condemning his actions. Then, on Thursday, both ABC and Washington released apologies for the incident. Is it enough? Will people just please stop calling each other hateful names? Please.

Great Dame

As if you needed more convincing, here is yet another reason to love Helen Mirren. Check out the kick-ass tattoo on her left hand. The ink is a remnant from her rebellious past in the London theater. But just cause she is a dame now, don’t think she has left her bad girl days behind. The Hollywood Reporter informs us that after winning her first Golden Globe of the evening, Helen got a little naughty talking about what it means to be an Essex girl:

“You know when an Essex girl has an orgasm, she drops her fries.” She stayed frisky when talking about her Oscar chances. “I’ve never had an ‘O.’ They said the earth moves. I can’t wait. I’ll definitely drop my fries for that.”

A dame with a tattoo and a blue streak? God save the queen.

The Midas Touch

My photographic commentary on the Golden Globes.

White is the New Gorgeous:
When Dresses Attack: When Hair Attacks: When Tina Fey Attacks: People Who Should Win Every Award on the Planet: Cutest. Winner. Ever.

Golden Girls

Hey folks, check back this afternoon for a complete post on the Golden Globes. I’m wiped out from the night’s festivities and at a loss for witty things to say. I know, how is that possible. For now, enjoy the lovely ladies of “Ugly Betty” sharing the love.

Witchy Woman

Abracadabra indeed. Everyone’s favorite lesbian witch is back and looking extra flamey. The folks at Whedonesque gave Buffy fans clamoring for the March release of season 8 (in comic form) a heads up to the possible third cover by illustrator Jo Chen. One word: Wow. Our little Willow Rosenberg has come a long way since her softer side of Sears days. Lord, look at her back. And, uh, her front. I’m melting. Melting.

Pre-L: Livin' La Vida Loca

In the spirit of the latest L Word season, I’m going to post a viewing guide each Sunday before the new episode airs. Consider them pre-caps. Just my random thoughts and observations with nothing too spoilery, but plenty of snarky. Enjoy.

L402 - “Livin’ La Vida Loca”

1) Bette, “the most glamorous dean” California University has seen in years, interviews for a new TA. Did you know T and A can stand for more than just “Teacher’s Assistant”? Hello T&A Nadia.2) Tina must…Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

3) Alice learns to properly pronounce “Papi.” How handy.
4) Max thinks that dating the boss’s daughter requires extensive knowledge of toy boats.

5) Jenny endlessly psychoanalyzes her own bullshit. Again.

6) Phyllis has a bolt from the blue. And by bolt I mean “Comes out,” and by blue I mean “out of nowhere.”7) Shane knows that you don’t have to be called “papi” to be a good daddy.

New Guestbian Count: 4
[Cybill Shepherd as Phyllis; Janina Gavankar as Papi; Heather Matarazzo as Stacey; Jessica Capshaw (Kate Capshaw’s daughter) as Nadia]

My Weekend Crush

You all know how I love a funny lady. Well, Amy Sedaris is as fearless as she is funny. Her Jerri Blank from “Strangers With Candy” is a cult classic. Her special blend of crazy has brightened up shows like “Sex and the City” and films like “Elf.” Her talk show appearances are must-see-TV. Trust me, if you see her name on the guest list, watch. Now, she is showing off her mad hostess skills in the new book “I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence.” It’s chock full of recipes, practical tips and etiquette advice. Advice like, “'Never try to out dress the hostess unless you are the guest of honor, or a transvestite.” Yeah, you should just buy it now. Hidden Bonus: Her brother is the brilliant, unspeakably hilarious writer David Sedaris. God, can you imagine Thanksgiving dinner in that family? Happy weekend, all.

Poster perfect

Now that we’ve weathered the boys club of fall films, it’s time to get excited about the fresh, more female-friendly offerings of 2007. Previews don’t come much fresher or more female than these. Who knows if the movies will be any good. But the posters, dear God, the posters. [Above left to right, click to enlarge] Lena Headey in “300,” Keira Knightley in “Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End,” and and some luscious silhouette in “Perfume.”

Mine, all mine

Something about this pose seems proprietary to me. Like Heroes stars Ali Larter and Tawny Cypress were having a nice, intimate conversation about how to celebrate winning the People’s Choice Best New Drama Award (which, ideally, would involve whip cream) and then a noisy photographer had to get all up in their business. Tawny looks particularly possessive. Check out the glare and arm wrapped tightly around Ali’s waist. Now that’s a butch telling someone to back the hell off. But, you know, in makeup and heels.

God, not again

Some kind, charitable soul has nominated me for the 2006 Best Lesbian Blog of the Year over at The Lesbian Lifestyle. What does this mean for you? It means the cycle of self-aggrandizing begins anew. Lucky you. A quick rules breakdown: Nominations are open from now until Jan. 31 and then the top 5 vote getters will move onto a special death cage match involving killer raccoons and angry possums. Wait, no, I’m sorry. I read that wrong. The top 5 nominated blogs will then move onto the finals, which start Feb. 2. Long story slightly shorter, if the spirit moves you, please put another vote in for Surrenders here. Cheers.

The World According to Joss

Joss Whedon you clever devil. Not only are you bringing Buffy back for an un-aired, fully-animated Season 8, but you're also about to attach your name to one of the funniest shows on TV.

• First, Entertainment Weekly has confirmed that Joss (as well as Lost/Alias’s J.J. Abrams) will direct upcoming episodes of “The Office.” Hmm, Dunder Mifflin does bear a striking resemblance to the Hellmouth.
• Then, in case you missed it, Joss announced that Buffy the Vampire Slayer will pick up her stake and get busy kicking ass again as Season 8 takes comic form. The first issue comes out in March and is available for preorder now. You can also check out a synopsis of the second issue and its cover art here. Love the eye patch.

Joss, you are a god and we should all lay offerings at your feet.

Be afraid, be very afraid

So, WTF? People is reporting that Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood are dating. Now I appreciate a fella who can rile up the Religious Right with such fervor, but he is 38 and she is 19. Plus, he’s - you know - creepy. I’m feeling all mother hen and protective here. She was Jessie, you know.

The People have spoken

My photographic commentary on the People’s Choice Awards.

Things that are cool:

Things that are pretty: Things that are wrong:

Separated at Ugly

Has anyone else noticed how much Ugly Betty’s America Ferrera and South of Nowhere’s Mandy Musgrave look alike? Seriously, they could be sisters. Or, like they are in my head, girlfriends who have begun the slow yet inevitable transformation into each other. And, I am completely coveting America’s “Be Ugly” shirt (even though the logo looks suspiciously like another great woman in TV history...God, anyone else have a crush on Jane?) I digress. Join the Be Ugly in 2007 campaign here. Yes, I know it's just a clever marketing ploy. But I’m a sucker for a gal in glasses.

You can’t handle the truthiness

We’ve had Guitarmageddon. Get ready for Punditpalooza. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Colbert and Bill O’Reilly will face off on each other’s respective shows Jan. 18. Can you handle the truthiness? An epic struggle between the forces and good and evil is sure to follow.

Baby, got milk?

Something is just off about this picture. Like, really off. Taken individually, the elements are perfectly fine. Nice, even. Mariska Hargitay looks lovely. Her baby is cute. The milk moustache is cliché yet familiar. But when coupled with her squatting position, it looks like she just birthed in a field and is now attempting to feed on the baby’s rich, creamy center. Or maybe that’s just me.

Watch the L

Have you recovered from your “L Word” premiere hangover yet? What? You missed all the flippant character dismissals, rampant baby momma melodrama and coincidental child abandonment. Then fear not (or fear more, it’s a close call). You can watch the entire episode here. No word yet on whether all of Season 4 will be available online. But my guess is no, since Showtime is a pay channel and all. Watch’em while you got’em, ladies.

UPDATE: So Showtime, apparently, hates foreigners and won’t let folks outside of the good ’ol U.S. of A. view the download site. Xenophobic or just greedy? Either way, apologies to my international friends. Bummer (but - really - if you read Scribe Grrrl’s brilliant recaps each week, it’s like being there minus having to endure that damn Betty song).

She blogs, dear God, she blogs

So, OurChart is up in beta. The “L Word”-spinoff site hopes to position itself as a MySpace for Lesbians. So far, no profiles or hookups pages yet (which, admit it, is why you clicked over in the first place). What you will find are behind-the-scenes tidbits, big-name guestbian bloggers and even some exciting news (Leisha Hailey is starting a new band. Fucking-A, I LOVED The Murmurs). Then again, OurChart also bears possibly the most depressing news ever to hit the blogosphere: Jenny Schecter has a blog. Ahhh! Ahhhhhh!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!

OK, now that the sheer terror has dulled to grim agony, let me horrify you further with the gory details. The blog is called “What Would Jenny Do?” (Wow, can’t wait until the Christian conservatives realize what the acronym spells out to be.) It is meant to be a tongue-in-cheek advice column. Thus Jenny tells a dateless lesbian to act depressed as a way to get laid. Begin banging your head on your keyboard right...about...now.

Cate + Kate = Great

I’ve had dreams that looked like this. But, in my dreams, I was the bologna in that sandwich. Know what I mean? Nudge-nudge, wink-wink. Say no more.

My Weekend Crush

Now, I’m not really a country gal. While I may have grown up in the Midwest, my musical taste gravitated away from torch and twang at an early age. But after watching “Shut Up & Sing” I’m in love with Dixie. Well, the Dixie Chicks, at least. I’ve always admired the band’s spunk and independent streak in a genre not always associated with strong women. And I liked them even more for not backing down during the “We’re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas ” ad-lib backlash. The excellent documentary pushed my like into love. I particularly heart Natalie Maines. The tiny blonde lead singer is a spitfire in the best sense of the word. And if you thought hearing her say she was ashamed of Bush was good, you’ll swoon when she calls him a “dumb fuck.” Be still my heart. Happy weekend, all.

Season 4: The good, The bad and The Max

Raise a glass. “The L Word” premiere weekend is upon us. Have you bought your party supplies? Beer? Check. More beer? Check. Fetid fruit to throw at the TV every time Max appears? Check. Season 4 picks up in the same unhappy place Season 3 left off. Bette is a baby-napper. Shane is a runaway bride. Jenny is about to be a published author. None of the new characters appear in the premiere, titled “Legend in the Making.” But, once we make it past that episode, the writers give us some welcome relief from land of psychosis and sorrow that has become the show.

Since I’m a good news/bad news kind of gal, let me break down the top four reasons to watch/not watch season 4. Bad news first, like ripping off a bandage.

Top 4 Reasons Not to Watch Season 4:

1. No Dana - This one is self explanatory.

2. Phyllis - Is it wrong that Cybill Shepherd scares me? A lot. And a lesbian Cybill Shepherd is downright terrifying. As university chancellor and Bette’s boss, Phylllis represents a late-in-life coming-out story. She also represents the sleep together, rent a U-Haul cliché in pearls.

3. Jenny - Oy. Just when you thought you might be able to like her, Jenny goes all Psycho McNutcase again, and this time to the nicest, cutest veterinarian you’ve ever seen. Bad Jenny. Bad! Plus, don’t get me started on the injustice of a writer as achingly bad as her getting a book deal. Mia Kirshner, however, is as fetching as ever. If possible, I think she keeps getting prettier.

4. Papi - Sorry, Papi. You’re no Shane. Give us more than just the Latina lothario act because that gets old quickly. The most one-dimensional character of the new season.

Top 4 Reason to Watch Season 4:

1. Alice - Though, in the interest of full-disclosure, I’d pay to watch Leisha Hailey watch paint dry. Plus, she has the best line of the new season, perhaps the entire series: “I don’t kiss girls who wear doilies.”

2. Bette - All hail the return of Alpha Bette. She is back and she is hotter than ever. And everybody knows it.

3. Jodi - As the show’s first deaf actress (not to mention Oscar winner), Marlee Matlin makes her outspoken rebel sculptor a fiesty match to Bette’s zen control freak. You’ll never look at shotgunning the same way again.

4. Tasha and Paige - The two new romantic foils for Alice and Shane, respectively, flesh out their characters poignantly with minimum screen time. Rose Rollins makes Tasha’s tough on the outside, mystery on the inside butch a puzzle we can’t wait to solve. And Kristanna Loken leaves her bad ass persona behind to play a vulnerable, yet open single mom.

Happy watching.

An L Word music moment

I must say, while I hate “The L Word” theme (which, much to my continued chagrin, is still that damn Betty song), I am loving the other music of season 4. A sampling of some of my favorites so far that aren’t on any of the current soundtracks:

• Aretha Franklin*, “Save Me”
• Goldfrapp, “Oh La La”
• Peaches*, “Fuck the Pain Away”
• Jill Sobule, “Tender Love”

They’re even better when heard in context. But a good song is a good song, no? Enjoy.

*NOTE: I believe “Fuck the Pain Away” is being covered by another artist, but I'm not sure who yet. And, on second listen, ditto for “Save Me.”

*NOTE II: Wow, I was so wrong. The song I thought was a Peaches cover was really nothing of the sort. It was The Cliks original “Complicated.” My bad, my apologies. All these songs about fucking the pain away, a gal can get confused.

The internet is gay, pass it on...

Apparently, being online is gay. Like, totally gay. A recent survey by Harris Interactive found the GLBT adults visit personal blogs and sites like MySpace, Friendster, YouTube and Craigslist more than their heterosexual counterparts. The survey also found that the gays spend significantly more time online than the straights. What can I say? We’re here, we’re queer and we love downloading.

Your face here?

So how much is a couple seconds of screen time, a backstage tour and lunch with the crew of “The L Word” worth? Well, right now, about $5,100. Queer Lounge, a non-profit group that supports LGBT film and filmmakers, is auctioning off a walk-on role and VIP backstage pass for a day on everyone’s favorite lesbian TV drama (wait, it’s the only lesbian TV drama, but I digress…) No, I won’t be bidding. But, just think, if you won you’d forever have the perfect retort to that old chestnut: “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?” … “Yeah, you have, on ‘The L Word!’”

UPDATE: It went for $7,500. Wow, that’s a lot of dough to eat lunch with the gaffers.

An L Word picture moment

Since the premiere of a new season of “The L Word” is practically a national lesbian holiday, I thought I’d get the festivities started early with a little taste of season 4. Just an appetizer. Not the main course. But oh. So. Yummy. Bon appetite.

Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do

So, what the fuck has happened to Lucy Liu’s career? I mean it. What’s up? She is talented. She is beautiful. You could slice deli meat on her cheekbones. But her appearance in “Code Name: The Cleaner” alongside Cedric the Entertainer and Nicollette Sheridan raises significant concern. As does the film’s release date the first weekend in January, the weekend bad movies go to die a quick, silent death. Looking at Lucy’s resume, we see an equally disturbing trend. In fact, she hasn’t made a good film since 2003’s “Kill Bill.” Now, this could be due to the lack of quality roles for Asian-American actresses . Or it could be due to a series of bad script choices. Whatever the reason, I say it’s time for some serious career resuscitation. Someone with freckles like this can’t continue to make schlock like this.

There's no place like home, again

I’ve done a reverse Dorothy and clicked my heels three times to return from the vast, unassuming Midwest to my own personal Oz. My holidays were quiet and lovely, thank you. My travels, however, were long and boring. Airports are one of the inner circles of hell. My arriving and departing trips were punctuated by a seven hour delay in Chicago and a five hour delay in Atlanta (don’t get me started on the physics of flying east to go west, talk to the brilliant folks at Delta.) I can recommend “The L Word” season 4 screeners as an excellent, though sometimes awkward, way to pass the time. One isn’t quite sure what to say to the family of four gawking over your shoulder as Bette rips the clothes off of… Oh, whoops. Sorry, you’re just going to have to watch. Another fun diversion is the American variation of the “Dyke or Simply Dutch” game. It’s the “Dyke or Simply a Midwestern Housewife” game. The haircuts can be disarmingly similar. Now, let’s rock the shit out of 2007, shall we?