Season 4: The good, The bad and The Max

Raise a glass. “The L Word” premiere weekend is upon us. Have you bought your party supplies? Beer? Check. More beer? Check. Fetid fruit to throw at the TV every time Max appears? Check. Season 4 picks up in the same unhappy place Season 3 left off. Bette is a baby-napper. Shane is a runaway bride. Jenny is about to be a published author. None of the new characters appear in the premiere, titled “Legend in the Making.” But, once we make it past that episode, the writers give us some welcome relief from land of psychosis and sorrow that has become the show.

Since I’m a good news/bad news kind of gal, let me break down the top four reasons to watch/not watch season 4. Bad news first, like ripping off a bandage.

Top 4 Reasons Not to Watch Season 4:

1. No Dana - This one is self explanatory.

2. Phyllis - Is it wrong that Cybill Shepherd scares me? A lot. And a lesbian Cybill Shepherd is downright terrifying. As university chancellor and Bette’s boss, Phylllis represents a late-in-life coming-out story. She also represents the sleep together, rent a U-Haul cliché in pearls.

3. Jenny - Oy. Just when you thought you might be able to like her, Jenny goes all Psycho McNutcase again, and this time to the nicest, cutest veterinarian you’ve ever seen. Bad Jenny. Bad! Plus, don’t get me started on the injustice of a writer as achingly bad as her getting a book deal. Mia Kirshner, however, is as fetching as ever. If possible, I think she keeps getting prettier.

4. Papi - Sorry, Papi. You’re no Shane. Give us more than just the Latina lothario act because that gets old quickly. The most one-dimensional character of the new season.

Top 4 Reason to Watch Season 4:

1. Alice - Though, in the interest of full-disclosure, I’d pay to watch Leisha Hailey watch paint dry. Plus, she has the best line of the new season, perhaps the entire series: “I don’t kiss girls who wear doilies.”

2. Bette - All hail the return of Alpha Bette. She is back and she is hotter than ever. And everybody knows it.

3. Jodi - As the show’s first deaf actress (not to mention Oscar winner), Marlee Matlin makes her outspoken rebel sculptor a fiesty match to Bette’s zen control freak. You’ll never look at shotgunning the same way again.

4. Tasha and Paige - The two new romantic foils for Alice and Shane, respectively, flesh out their characters poignantly with minimum screen time. Rose Rollins makes Tasha’s tough on the outside, mystery on the inside butch a puzzle we can’t wait to solve. And Kristanna Loken leaves her bad ass persona behind to play a vulnerable, yet open single mom.

Happy watching.