L608: “Last Word”
With apologies to Diane Court, I’ve glimpsed our future and all I can say is – go back. Oh, kittens, if only we could. Back to when this was a show about a bunch of women who loved other women and each other, and not about Ilene’s Very Big, Very Important Issues. Alas, it is what it is. I want to feel more nostalgic at this moment. After all, six years is a long time to live with someone – even just a character on a screen. But now, as the crazy train finally clangs into the station, mostly I feel relief. This is not the way that we live, no matter what that ear-bleeding joke of a song says. As much as I love these characters, I hate what has happened to them. They say if you love something, set it free. Well, they’re all free now. And in my mind they’re now all talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking and dreaming happily in a world free of the dictates of a megalomaniacal puppet master. Well, everyone except Alice. Dammit, Ilene. Must you ruin everything? And with that, once more with feeling.
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1. Really, in this market? Good luck with that.2. I know Tibette. Tibette is my friend. Shenny, you're no Tibette.3.Ding-dong the theme song is dead. Can I get an amen?4. Love triangles......yet another reason I hate geometry.5. The only appropriate way to watch this episode.6. Wait, weren't they happy? Can't someone be happy?7. A pornstache? Oh, Max. What have you done to deserve this?8. I went six seasons without ever showing these puppies off.9. Lesbian Jedi master says use the Force, Alice.10. Finally. Why do you think we watch this damn show anyway?11. Can’t they just fuck without getting all Angelina pre-Brad on us?12.That is not nearly enough Jane Lynch.13. This is my favorite screencap. Ever.14. Ilene finally......plays to......her base.15. Deja vu......all over again.16. Looks like someone is having second thoughts about this job.17. Extreme close-ups are not a substitute for actual depth.18. You'd stress eat too......if you were trapped in this episode.19. Never date women who have self portraits on their walls.20. Dude, I can't believe I have to say this shit either.21. Alice picking her toes? Still one of the better scenes.22. Are you leaving? For the love of God, take me with you.23. Welcome to the family, Clementine.24. This is the face you make when you realize that your girlfriend is, indeed, Satan.25. If anyone is still sober at this point, they deserve a medal.26. Hey, dummy, iPhones can't record video.27. Shane finally has her V.C. Andrews moment.28. What will she find up there next? Jimmy Hoffa?29. Prayer won't save you from The Crazy.30. Just one more step back, one more, one mo...31. Never, ever get between a mama bear and her family.32. Damn, what kind of dirt does Chaiken have on these people?
[p.s. Click to see who you recognize, especially the bottom left.]33. This is precisely why I always wear floaties in the pool.34. I changed my mind. I don't wanna anymore.35. Thus ends Sarah Schuster.36. I've located the problem, ma'am.37. Apropos of nothing, these ladies sure are pretty.
New Guestbian Count: 0
Who Wants Jenny Dead Count: 3 (Bette, Helena, Tina – Max and Alice were also mean, but just shy of homicidal)
Words to Watch This Episode By: “It’s never too early for a drink.” – Helena
Words to Not Bet the Farm On: “I give you my word that we’re going to make it.” – Jenny to Shane
Words to LOL at: “I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you. If it hadn’t been for you I might have ended up with that nutcase, Jenny.” – Tim on the TiBette tribute video.
Words to Scream at Ilene Frequently: “Save it, shut up!” – Alice to Jamie
Truer Words Have Never Been Spoken: “I am so ready to get out of here....I will be happy to get out of this little incestuous hotbed of lesbian interfuckingconnectedness.” – Bette to Kit
The Last Words: “You guys changed my life. Wow, you really did. And I’m never going to forget you. So thank you for everything. OK? And that’s it.” – Jenny
My Words to You: Thank you, thank you for coming around every weekend during the L season all these years. I hope you've enjoyed the pre-caps. I've sure enjoyed making them for you.
p.s. Join me and the other AfterEllen gals over at the AE at 9 p.m. EST/6 p.m. PST Sunday for a live blog of the finale. Start prepping your liver for the inevitable drinking game now.