Saturday, March 07, 2009

Pre-L Finale: Last Word

L608: “Last Word”
With apologies to Diane Court, I’ve glimpsed our future and all I can say is – go back. Oh, kittens, if only we could. Back to when this was a show about a bunch of women who loved other women and each other, and not about Ilene’s Very Big, Very Important Issues. Alas, it is what it is. I want to feel more nostalgic at this moment. After all, six years is a long time to live with someone – even just a character on a screen. But now, as the crazy train finally clangs into the station, mostly I feel relief. This is not the way that we live, no matter what that ear-bleeding joke of a song says. As much as I love these characters, I hate what has happened to them. They say if you love something, set it free. Well, they’re all free now. And in my mind they’re now all talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking and dreaming happily in a world free of the dictates of a megalomaniacal puppet master. Well, everyone except Alice. Dammit, Ilene. Must you ruin everything? And with that, once more with feeling.
[Click any and all to enlarge.]

1. Really, in this market? Good luck with that.2. I know Tibette. Tibette is my friend. Shenny, you're no Tibette.3.Ding-dong the theme song is dead. Can I get an amen?4. Love triangles......yet another reason I hate geometry.5. The only appropriate way to watch this episode.6. Wait, weren't they happy? Can't someone be happy?7. A pornstache? Oh, Max. What have you done to deserve this?8. I went six seasons without ever showing these puppies off.9. Lesbian Jedi master says use the Force, Alice.10. Finally. Why do you think we watch this damn show anyway?11. Can’t they just fuck without getting all Angelina pre-Brad on us?12.That is not nearly enough Jane Lynch.13. This is my favorite screencap. Ever.14. Ilene finally......plays to......her base.15. Deja vu......all over again.16. Looks like someone is having second thoughts about this job.17. Extreme close-ups are not a substitute for actual depth.18. You'd stress eat too......if you were trapped in this episode.19. Never date women who have self portraits on their walls.20. Dude, I can't believe I have to say this shit either.21. Alice picking her toes? Still one of the better scenes.22. Are you leaving? For the love of God, take me with you.23. Welcome to the family, Clementine.24. This is the face you make when you realize that your girlfriend is, indeed, Satan.25. If anyone is still sober at this point, they deserve a medal.26. Hey, dummy, iPhones can't record video.27. Shane finally has her V.C. Andrews moment.28. What will she find up there next? Jimmy Hoffa?29. Prayer won't save you from The Crazy.30. Just one more step back, one more, one mo...31. Never, ever get between a mama bear and her family.32. Damn, what kind of dirt does Chaiken have on these people?
[p.s. Click to see who you recognize, especially the bottom left.]33. This is precisely why I always wear floaties in the pool.34. I changed my mind. I don't wanna anymore.35. Thus ends Sarah Schuster.36. I've located the problem, ma'am.37. Apropos of nothing, these ladies sure are pretty.
New Guestbian Count: 0
Who Wants Jenny Dead Count: 3 (Bette, Helena, Tina – Max and Alice were also mean, but just shy of homicidal)
Words to Watch This Episode By: “It’s never too early for a drink.” – Helena
Words to Not Bet the Farm On: “I give you my word that we’re going to make it.” – Jenny to Shane
Words to LOL at: “I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you. If it hadn’t been for you I might have ended up with that nutcase, Jenny.” – Tim on the TiBette tribute video.
Words to Scream at Ilene Frequently: “Save it, shut up!” – Alice to Jamie
Truer Words Have Never Been Spoken: “I am so ready to get out of here....I will be happy to get out of this little incestuous hotbed of lesbian interfuckingconnectedness.” – Bette to Kit
The Last Words: “You guys changed my life. Wow, you really did. And I’m never going to forget you. So thank you for everything. OK? And that’s it.” – Jenny
My Words to You: Thank you, thank you for coming around every weekend during the L season all these years. I hope you've enjoyed the pre-caps. I've sure enjoyed making them for you.

p.s. Join me and the other AfterEllen gals over at the AE at 9 p.m. EST/6 p.m. PST Sunday for a live blog of the finale. Start prepping your liver for the inevitable drinking game now.


quitehonestly said...

And we've enjoyed reading them. They've made this season of the show THAT much more bearable. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

^ Echo that.

Cheers, Dorothy. Sundays just won't be the same without this [although my therapist assures me that's a good thing !] ;)

delurk said...

Thank you, Dorothy! And now I am going into a prolonged period of mourning.

Anonymous said...

I laughed a little with this Pre-L but I got more nostalgic than anything. The porch scene redux. Ah, I am teary. Ditto on that screen cap of Tibette. I especially like the one where Tina is lying on top of Bette's back. Why the hell are they all smiling when they are all going into the station. No freakin' closure to the Spano thing. This looks like a mess.

Anonymous said...

It's almost painful to watch the slooooow death of TLW.

For the love of God, IC, retire now, before you do any more damage to lesbian culture.

nks said...

well, I have not seen a single episode of this season, and even though I miss them somehow, I am glad that I will remember them the way they used to be. and not how they ended up this season according to you and other recaps. it is sad, like seeing someone you once really liked picking up litter to get some money. okay, maybe that is a tad bit far fetched, but they all deserve so much more than this season. every single one of them.

and btw, thanks for enduring this season for me :)

Cindy Caton said...

Thank you so much for all the Pre-L screen caps all these years. Mucho appreciated.

No Carmen screencap, eh? Dang it!

So, what will you be doing next for us? :)

Thanks again!

King is a Fink said...

I'm scared to watch the final episode, though it can't be that much more disappointing than this season as a whole. Thank you for the pre-caps!

Nanc Twop said...

psst, once you 'jailbreak' your iPhone...

'Hey, Dorothy, iPhones -can- record video!'

thanks for all your L work! Nanc TWoP

Anonymous said...

You stupid ass! Shane is the one who hung that photo of Jenny at the studio.

Also? Tibette is garbage and not the only reason people watch this show. The Tibettes aren't her only audience, either, so how about you show the other shippers and fans some fucking respect for a change?

Thank god this is the last episode. I'm so fucking tired of hearing your shit.

buildingbeginswithme said...

Well I too am not a tibette fan...although not as hostile as some it would seem...I am a Dylena fan myself.
So you're telling me that they didn't all hold Jenny down? dammit...

There have been some episodes that were far more enjoyable by pre-L then the actual episode was
so thanks Dorothy!

Anonymous said...

sorry dorothy,your are talentuous but i'm already nostalgic and i was a fan of yours Pre-L...honestly it was my reason to check your blog...and i don't know if
tomorrow ...
i agree about your point of view about Chaiken's madness but you said "As much as I love these characters"...and no word for the actresses of the show??? WTF??
it's probably your first mistake ...

i don't care about tina fey or rachel M...but i can understand ( ???) your empathy

so,please,don't turn in a chaiken's mood?

i am the best and i'm always right...

your blog is not interactive ,it's also a problem,you speak,we read and response.why??

BTW,thanks for your posts and comments,for me it's probably the end of this journey

Thank you and respects

and all my wishes for bette & tina...soulmates..

anf for jennifer beals (stunning) and laurel holloman

Anonymous said...

To poster @ 1:56 PM

Wow, time to take your medication. You sound like that bitter fatso, lilpinkchainsaw. Seriously, if you are her do yourself a favor and seek professional help. You are clearly a psychotic lunatic.

Anonymous said...

I can see why these last few would want to remain anonymous. Yikes.

Um, I think your blog is fantastic. Which is why I CHOOSE to look at it. Daily.

Thanks for your work!

Anonymous said...

That is TOTALLY that lunatic lilpinkchainsaw who got banned in all L word forums. So scary.
Is she so angry because she has weight issues?

Anonymous said...

Lilpinkchainsaw, you are more fucking crazy than my emo cutting ass and that's saying something. If I was Dorothy, your comment would have been deleted by now Miss knitting loon.

*Faps over Rohan pictures*

The Erin Grant said...

So Jenny commits suicide????...I'm so confused and yes, I will miss your Pre-Ls...they are hilarious and so clever...a lot more clever than The L Word ever was...I bow to you!

TheWeyrd1 said...

Sigh..."more lesbian sex, less inanity" should have been the mission statement... Nevertheless, I rate season 1 as #1 for the shear novelty of the whole thing. I rate both seasons 3 and 5 a tie if the final episodes were skipped somehow. Then we would still have Dana and we wouldn't have Shenny... Just think of the possibilities!!! Well, long live Alice...maybe...maybe not...

Anonymous said...

So did Bette kill Jenny?

Anonymous said...

I was watching Sunset Boulevard today and this line made me laugh a little inside:
Sometimes it's interesting to see how bad bad writing can be.
Maybe that was Ms. Chaiken's mantra this season. Except it wasn't even interesting, so I guess it would be yet another failure on her part.
You, Ms. Snarker, however, have been an epic success in getting us through this sh*tshow of a season. I've fast-forwarded through more than half the episodes to keep the drivel from totally invading my brain, but at least I had you to prepare/warn me. Thanks for the heads up each week!

Anonymous said...

I don't understand why Shennys like lilpink are so angry with Tibette. Please relax and remember: Shenny's dead. Ilene killed it. Sorry but #2 made me laugh my ass off. Channel your anger somewhere appropriate. Anyhoo. Thanks for your Pre-L's all these years, Dorothy!

Anonymous said...

Oh adorable Dorothy, please ignore all the crazy Jenny-ness that some felt necessary to soil your wonderful blog with. Thanks for all your work and great humor!

Anonymous said...

OK, I'm taking a stab at how it ends. (Since I'll never actually watch this series, I might as well have some fun with it).

(a) Jenny bumps her head in the pool and drowns but Alice is wrongfully accused of murder (leading to the spin-off serial in amazing Web-o-Vision).

(b) Ilene gives her a remarkably fast acting desease of the week.

(c) A mountain lion mistakes her for a slab of bacon and mauls her to death before spitting her out in disgust and prowling off in search of more substantial character development.

(d) Jenny wakes up in her dinghy at the end of season 4 and we discover that seasons 5 and 6 were just a dream. (The dream of a very stupid slab of bacon.)

JadedRogue said...

You, Dorothy, have made these last few seasons of tLW bearable and enjoyable. If only you had been writing the show instead of... she who shall not be named...

I bow to your snarkiness


Anonymous said...

and they had to ruin everything.

Anyway, at least there's one couple who's happy. :D

Norma Desmond said...

Something tells me that drinking before the episode even starts will turn out to be the best idea I've ever had.

Thank you for your recaps, especially in times like these, when they are so infinitely more comprehensible and enjoyable than the actual episodes. THAT much, I will miss.

The show, on the other hand...

00 said...

This entire season has made absolutely no frakkin' sense.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for saving me an hour of my life! I feel no need to watch this now. Last week, I didn't even make it past the theme song (ughhhhhhh but I'm sure Betty will continue to show up at every Gay Pride I go to and sing that godawful ditty)

Anonymous said...

With all its flaws, I, for one will miss TLW. It's sad to note the opportunities lost by the outlandish and inept writing of TLW writing posse.

I read your blog daily and especially look forward to your weekend crush and Pre-L caps. Congrats on 6 years of entertaining us with your snarky and always clever sense of humor. Could you periodically have pics of Jennifer Beals in your blog? Looking at her just makes the day go better. :-)

Anonymous said...

Love the Diane Court ref, Dottie!

Anonymous said...

I will truly miss your Pre-L's :[ They were what made my Sunday Lez Word anticipation relax for a bit, before bracing up to critic yet another epic IC-rant.

One question though, will you do Pre-Farms? If "The Farm" actually makes it, that might be like the little helper I need to forget the good ol' Pre-L's, let alone Seasons 1 throught half of the 3rd season (before Dana died, ugh), and maybeee Season 5 was good ;].

Please, do something with The Farm. Even if it sucks! At least Leisha's in it? :]

Anonymous said...

OK, I just wanna say,

"(b) Ilene gives her a remarkably fast acting desease of the week.

(c) A mountain lion mistakes her for a slab of bacon and mauls her to death before spitting her out in disgust and prowling off in search of more substantial character development.

(d) Jenny wakes up in her dinghy at the end of season 4 and we discover that seasons 5 and 6 were just a dream. (The dream of a very stupid slab of bacon.)

4:43 PM"

that is great stuff! I am going to pick D. And also, speaking of D, thanks Dee! I love your blog and have you bookmarked, so I can check you every day. Thank you for your hard work and all that you do!

Anonymous said...

An Ode To Dorothy

These past few years your blog has spurred me,
To continue watching the L Word turkey.
During season one, who would have guessed ?
That by season six, we'd be so depressed !
Lesbian lives, once full of love n' laughter,
Despatched by scriptwriters to the great hereafter.
Talented actresses, ably demonstrated their craft,
Interpreting plotlines, no matter how daft.
Yet, in the grand scheme of life, the L Word was fleeting,
But make no mistake, we'll continue our bleating !
Mama Chaiken's bid for lesbian world domination
May end yet in movie abomination.
So, dearest Dorothy, exit this blog with aplomb,
And we await your musings at AfterEllen-dot-com.

[The therapy is working ;) ]

Anonymous said...

I'll miss your screencaps too. Before I watch an episode I check out your screencaps the day before.

I have only seen 4 episodes so far this season. I'll watch the others one day.

I love T on B's back hot..its what I live for...LOL!!!

Unknown said...

I just came across this blog, I loved this post. Well done. :D

Anonymous said...

it's stupid to kill messenger.
what that means,
lets say, there is ill minded human being who wants force others
in a very interesting way.

then what a person can do at that
moment, the person doesn't know
what's the fact, just people deliver it. i know who is the root.
don't kill the messenger.
cus the messenger is kind of victim, too.

Anonymous said...

i mean the drama, right?
should be careful when people
use very strong words,such as
kill,which i used on the comment above. just meaning dislike.

so, i just want you get the idea,
when people do or choice something,
its not always their best choices.
thousands of reasons why, so take
it easy.

anyway the Lword ends now. i guess.
whatever, believe it or not,
love you.

TechFem50 said...

OMFG, that was funny! I've enjoyed reading your recaps.

Who Wants Jenny Dead Count: 4 (Bette, Helena, Nikki and Dylan – Max and Alice were also mean, but just shy of homicidal, Tina couldn't hurt a fly)

My money is on Bette.

Anonymous said...

I salute you!!!!
Dorothy I want to thank you for all the pre-caps all these years. I really enjoyed them.

Anonymous said...

I love you, love you, love you!!! You sometimes make me laugh harder than the actual show. And I will miss these 'Pre-L's just as much as I will miss the L. Thank you.....

Anonymous said...

I won't miss the L Word but I will miss your Pre L Word posts.

"Hey, dummy, iPhones can't record video."
LOL! I have an iPhone and record videos on it all the time.

Dummies are iPhone users who do not jailbreak their iPhones (takes 10 mins) so that they can actually take full advantage of what a great little device it is.

Anonymous said...

WOW... I tried to be positive but it turns out the surprise of this season wasn't Ilene killing Jenny it was Ilene killing all the characters, and with them our hope this might end well slowly and painfully

Anonymous said...

Wow Jaded rogue you came out of hing. Good to see you/ Dorothy loved your recaps. One of the things I'll miss about the l word is you pre -l word caps

thank you for our hard work

Anonymous said...

26. Hey, dummy, iPhones can't record video.
- that was very adorable of you, ms. snarker!

;)) babs

Anonymous said...

or should I say ADORKABLE!?

;)) babs

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your Pre-posts!!
Ms. S. you've made this season bearable!!
I can only imagine what will happen in the
lesbian universe next Sunday at 9pm.

much love!

Anonymous said...

there is no ill minded person
at my school.
so, don't be confused.
i like them.

Anonymous said...

the only way i could make it through that episode (and i have to tell you, being trained as a backpacking instructor, i'm well versed in the rules of "leave no trace" the first of which is "plan ahead and prepare") was to drink a lot of the official beer of the l word: dos equis. my l word crew and i started off by watching the pilot and drinking to every time jenny cried, dana did something that highlighted her closetedness, alice explained the chart, marina flirted shamelessly with jenny, bette and tina had an awkward lyrical simul-o, and shane hooked up.
needless to say, we thought were prepared for the finale.
but as i soon found out, nothing could have truly prepared me for the finale.
that was terrible. simply terrible.

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