Friday, February 15, 2008

My Weekend Crush

I cannot wait for the new season of Top Chef to begin next month. First, it has three gay lady contestants, which has to be some sort of reality show record (well, except for the Real World/Road Rules/Tila Tequila hot tub lesbians from MTV). And second, it has Padma Lakshmi. Mmm, Padma, mmm. With all due respect to Nigella Lawson -- whom I love and can lick pudding off her finger like nobody’s business -- Padma is my favorite cooking goddess. And to be honest, she’s more like a cooking dominatrix. With her ever-steady gaze, a Zen-like serenity and those cheekbones, dear God, those cheekbones, she is beyond hot. In fact, she is so hot she has reduced me to a series of juvenile schoolyard platitudes. Padma Lakshmi is so hot, she makes the sun look like a snowball. Padma Lakshmi is so hot, she makes global warming seem like a cool spring breeze. Padma Lakshmi is so hot, she makes the devil go, “Dude, stop hogging all the heat.” To summarize, Padma Lakshmi is hot.

Now that she is divorced from Salman Rushdie and the scales of hotness have been restored to order, it seems she has grown even more ridiculously gorgeous. But lest you think this is purely physical, this thing between Padma and me, let me prove to you that we were clearly meant to be together. 1) Padma doesn’t cover up the seven-inch scar she has on her right arm, the result of car crash when she was a teenager. I doesn’t cover up the seven centimeter scar on my right knee, the result of being clumsy as a full-grown adult. 2) She says women who say they don’t fantasize about other women are lying. I never lie about fantasizing about other women. 3) She likes to swear. I fucking love a women who swears. 3) Her favorite food is bacon. Need I say more? Padma, call me. Happy weekend, all.

13 comments:

Cindy said...

YUMMY! Thanks for lighting up my day Ms. Snarker. :)

Katie said...

Oh man, scars are so hot (usually.) That's quite the beauty she's got on her arm, too. *swoon*

jennifer from pittsburgh said...

Love Padma. Can't wait for the return of Top Chef. Gotta get my kitchen drama fix.

WenWhit said...

God, yes. Just yes.

Anonymous said...

Ms Snarker you've liven up my day. Honestly

gypsywee said...

I'm going to start using this on the ladies "[you are] so hot, [you] makes the sun look like a snowball." I bet I'll start seeing a LOT of action. :D Thanks for the best.line.ever Ms. Snarker!

Jen said...

my. god.

I've never seen that woman before, but when your page opened up my jaw dropped and I said a loooong, drawn out "ahhhhhhhhhh" sound.

wow.

Valerie Curtis-Newton said...

The Nigella/Padma contest had been going on in my house for quite sometime. Then Top Chef had the episode where they had to make breakfast for Padma. Well, she came in with that "I just rolled out of bed" look and that was that. My giel and I are now on the same page - Padma tops our list of fantasy trios-mates!

Gender Blank said...

Shit. Fuck. Dammit. Bacon.

Amanda said...

So... I might start watching this show now....

Yep.

Amanda

Anonymous said...

Entertaining as always! Thanks!

Pyewacket said...

There is never enough Padma in a Top Chef eppie, as far as I am concerned. Padma has had me ever since she was a guest co-host on The View while Rosie was still on. She talked about having real boobs as well as loving the look of real boobs on other women...AND kept up (and got tipsey) with Rosie drinking beer while doing a summer food segment. She is as adorkable as she is hot!

ysubassoon said...

Not only is Padma all things hot and delicious, her favorite food isn't just bacon--it's Bacos. During an interview on The Splendid Table, she said that her mother used to put Bacos on her salad to wean her off of a strictly vegetarian diet and to help her adjust to meat. She developed what she described as "a lifelong obsession with bacon" as a result.