What happens in Top Chef...

Chefbians, chefbians, everywhere chefbians. Top Chef is back, flavor lovers. And it’s bringing two chefbians, one Padma and more tattooed gals than you can shake a ladle at. I’m not kidding, there is some serious ink happening this season. (Yes, I cropped Toby Young out of that top picture. But, yes, he will be back. And, no, I’m not pleased about it.) Now before we get to the painted ladies, we need to get to the gay ladies. On “Top Chef: Las Vegas” we’ve got two: [Click any, all to embiggen]

Bay Area chef Preeti Mistry, 33Seattle chef Ashley Merriman, 32

Well, they sure weren’t making it hard on our gaydar this season. I think I could have spotted them blindfolded from 30,000 feet. Faux hawks, copious tattoos, bed head. It’s all there.

But, interestingly, the lesbians aren’t the most extreme ink bearers this season. No, that distinction lies with two apparently straight contestants: Philly-based chef Jennifer Zavala [left] and Baltimore-based chef Jesse Sandlin [right]. A full-on neck tattoo and dramatic décolletage decoration? Whoa.

Rounding out Team Rainbow on the fella’s side is Ash Fulk, a 29-year-old New York-based chef. The tie is, apparently, the giveaway there.

But, I rather thought these two guys might be covert Team Rainbow members. A jaunty scarf and a bear beard? Puh-lease.

The scarf dude is French so, well, that explains that. Chef Bear still has some explaining to do.

The rest of the ladies, ranked in order of gayness [starting top left]: Robin Leventhal, Laurine Wickett, Eve Aronoff and Jennifer Carroll:

Now my other big take-away from the new Sin City edition was this little nugget from the press release:

Some of the top names in food, movies and entertainment including Wolfgang Puck, Todd English, Natalie Portman, Daniel Boulud, Penn & Teller, Hubert Keller, Laurent Tourondel, Tim Love, Michelle Bernstein, Tyler Florence, Charlie Palmer, Paul Bartolotta, Nigella Lawson, Jerome Bocuse and Thomas Keller.

Dear whatever deity you believe or don’t believe in wherever he or she or nothing may reside, Padma Lakshmi and Nigella Lawson are going to be in the same room eating food and, if history is any indication, licking it off their fingers/spoons/whatever other lucky inanimate object may be nearby. That thud you heard was me passing out.

Natalie and Padma in the same room is all kinds of awesome, too. But I’ve never looked at Natalie and thought, “Now there’s a big eater.” Nigella, on the other hand, wrote the book on food porn. “Top Chef: Las Vegas” premieres Aug. 19 on Bravo. I’ll be there, bib at the ready.

p.s. Did you know Padma is working on her own sitcom? No, I’m not kidding. No, really, I’m not kidding. Check the date. It’s not even close to April 1.