Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Weisz woman

Well hello there, Rachel Weisz. I hear you want to be a lesbian icon. Or, you want to continue being a lesbian icon. My Spanish is a little shaky, but that’s what I was able to glean from your Spanish Vogue cover story. In fact, it says you want to star in a lesbian “Brokeback Mountain.” This is all awesome, clearly. We would love to have you join the esteemed and beloved gay for pay ranks. For reference please see our undying adoration of Lucy Lawless, Lena Headey, and Jennifer Beals, among others.

Now, because you seem keen on maintaining and even improving your dykon status, I will happily pass along five very simple, very critical pointers. Any straight actress wishing to curry good favor with us will have no problems attracting gay ladies as long as they follow these basic guidelines.

1. Play Gay: So simple, but often overlooked. For instance, come on Cate Blanchett – we know you’ve got it in you.
2. Be Cool About It: Never, ever say you had to “get drunk” before a lesbian kissing scene. Instead, make no big deal about it and just compliment your co-star profusely. Admittedly, it helps with the fantasy if you’re holding hands in the interviews. Just a suggestion.
3. Don’t Bi-Bait: Don’t say you “once kissed a girl,” “think women are beautiful,” “could maybe see yourself with another woman” if you don’t mean it. We hate being teased, too. Phony is not hot.
4. Speak Out: Talk about your support of GLBT causes in public. Attend rallies. Better yet, speak at rallies. Make us swoon by saying you won’t get married until everyone can get married. Oh, Charlize Theron. You’re so dreamy.
5. Love Your Fans: Be nice to your lesbian fans. Pose in our dorky pictures and always be polite when we gush about how much we loved you as Xena/Luce/Bette/whathaveyou. We’re harmless and, if treated right, unshakable.
*Extra Credit*
6. Be Gay: Granted, this one isn’t always possible. You can’t help being born straight, poor thing. But if you are, by chance, inclined to love the ladies then say it loud and say it proud. Seriously, we’ll grovel at your feet forever.

So, there you have it. A fool-proof path to permanent lesbian icon status. You’re welcome, Rachel. If you’re thinking of ways to thank me, I’d be happy to stand in as your lady-kissing practice partner. Like I said, I’m a giver.

20 comments:

Nadira said...

This is christmas come early. I've always been weak at the knees for Weisz especially, and now it seems my finely hollywood tuned lesbian-dar is prophetic. I will now predict the first hook-up: with Lohan on the dancefloor of some nightclub where Ronson is DJing for so-called "revenge" (and then Weisz sees sense and untangles herself for the much more sophisticated Naomi Watts-wouldn't this just be ... ?)

Natasha Condensada said...

I remember few years ago when Rachel Weisz said she has a crush on Shakira and Maggie Gyllenhaaland and used to have one on Penélope Cruz.
Im not sure if this could break the 3rd rule.

Greetings from here

Lobelia said...

Crystal Chappell and Jessica Leccia (of 'Otalia' fame from the late and dearly missed Guiding Light) pass that test with flying colors. In fact, Crystal is producing her own webseries centered on an out lesbian (played by CC herself), along with the lovely Jessica as her on-and-off girlfriend. More info is at venicetheseries.com.
Did I mention that both ladies are HOT in tanktops, which they wore frequently on GL?

Meanwhile, CC fans, please show your support in the final hours of twitterwall voting at http://bit.ly/BJ4SK and vote for @crystalchappell. Thankyew all!

N said...

I haven't ever commented before, but I just have to for this. She's been my crush for longer than I can remember. Now this? NGH.

Get Set.Go said...

3 IN A ROW. these 3 last posts have left me breathless. I don't think I could handle another day of amazing-ness. oh how I wish the extra credit was at all possible,one can still dream.

kimber p said...

this is too cool, I just came from YouTube where I watched scenes from one of my all time favorite movies "The Fountain" and she's breath takingly beautiful in that movie..and then I come here to see her once again, being spotlighted (spotlit??) My oh My. *sigh*

Word Verification: anistene (perhaps a devout follower of Jennifer?)

Norma Desmond said...

I can kind of take or leave Rachel Weisz, but your steps for becoming a Gay for Pay were priceless.

alphafemme said...

Amen!!

Mia said...

Oh my God Weisz is such a favorite... since that steamy Jude Law cozziness in Enemy At The Gates... only Jennifer Connelly can race her... Weisz+Connelly! How bout that?!

and Pfeiffer...

Anonymous said...

You should write a book!

TechGirl said...

OMFG! Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Basically BE Jennifer Beals.

Anonymous said...

Or Laurel Holloman.

EG said...

Haha.

Way to be a giver.
I want to play, too. ;)

jennifer from pittsburgh said...

I read once quite awhile back where she said something like, You're nobody until you've got a lesbian following.
Since her partner, director Darren Aronofsky, is behind the lesbian angle in 'Black Swan', she should just talk to him about it and see what they can come up with.

MakingSpace said...

Love your suggestions! LOL Not a huge fan of RW, but that just leaves more for the rest of you, so it's win-win, no?

S Rankin said...

Holy cow. This has me set for both Autumn and Winter. If there is a goddess, she is Weisz.

Rachel Fan said...

Just for the record, she played a character that was "Bisexual" although in name only in the movie "Definitely Maybe". Its a start. I hope she does end up getting offered a amazing lesbian role at some point. I would hate to see her do (another) gay role in name only (like Jade in The Women, who pretty much did nothing with women, despite the movie being only about women).

Anonymous said...

Yay for Rachel!! Gorgeous. And a good actress too, especially in Constant Gardner.

I thought you had done How to Be a Dykeon before but I think I was thinking of this other thing. http://www.popmatters.com/pm/feature/barbra-streisand-lessons-from-a-lesbian-icon . But anyway.

I hope Rachel succeeds and achieves her goal. And her other goals of course-but mostly this one.

Anonymous said...

I saw her in Streetcar in the West End and nearly passed out each evening.

Also, not to stereotype? But anyone who was a big, ol', vehement feminist in college? Maybe she earned some street cred. Just sayin'.