Ultimate Holi-Gay Rom-Com Rankings

Hey, remember all the way to yesterday (these days, I know, it’s hard remembering 5 minutes ago so no judgment) when I said we were living in a golden age of queer holiday rom-coms? I have watched not one, not two, not three but six – SIX – queer holiday rom-coms this season. And, without being overly generous or overly harsh in the least, none of them are objectively terrible. And, if you’re an older timer/LGBTQ+ media representation veteran like me, you’ll know that has objectively not always been the case. Yes, Virginia, we have all watched way too many terrible lesbian and gay movies over these years. Honestly, it’s a Christmas miracle. And, again, they are all varying degrees of pretty darn OK.

The choices queer women and men have this year when it comes to gay holiday rom-coms is truly unprecedented. Granted, there are still more Christmas rom-coms about dogs than about queer people (I’m not even kidding, On Demand has like a dozen holiday rom-coms with dogs in their titles). But, hey, progress is progress.

While I’ve already gone on and on (and on and on) about the conventional wonder that is “Happiest Season” (full review at this link), here are my mini-reviews of the other five movies heralded as the first crop of mainstream queer-themed Christmas rom-coms. They have truly made this Yuletide gay. So get to watching, homosexuals. ‘Tis the season for cheesy holiday happiness, after all.

“A New York Christmas Wedding” (Netflix) – OK, so this is my least favorite submission in this year’s Lesbian Holiday Rom-Com Olympics, but a bronze is still a bronze in an unprecedented year for representation. And, it does follow the Christmas Movie Law of having at least one B+ to A- List actor appear in a significant role. In this case it’s Chris Noth as a priest in this story cribbed in parts from “A Christmas Carol” with ghosts from ones past. Don’t worry, Christmas Movie Law (C.M.L) dictates everything ends up milk and cookies – metaphorically at least.

“Dashing in December” (Paramount Network) – Saddle up, little cowboys, because this holiday rom-com attempts to Brokeback Mountain its love story – with much less tragic results. Set on a Colorado Christmas horse ranch and starring Andie MacDowell (see above: Christmas Movie Law), two gay men who seem like opposites fall in love complete with all the standard rom-com obstacles. Is the chemistry the best between the leading men? I mean, I will say it’s definitely not any worse than the chemistry I’ve seen between their straight counterparts. So, score one for equality. Also, Colorado or whatever they’re using as Colorado sure looks pretty in the snow.

“The Christmas House” (Hallmark) – This has been billed as the Hallmark Channel’s first gay holiday rom-com. But, if we’re being honest, it’s kind of a holiday movie with a gay couple as a major subplot than a gay holiday movie. Still, it’s a basic and genial tale of a family trying to recapture that old Christmas magic, where one of the adult sons is married and trying to adopt with his husband. Said son is played by out gay actor Jonathan Bennett (who you will no doubt remember as Lindsay Lohan’s dreamy boy crush in “Mean Girls”). Yes, the gay portrayal blessedly wasn’t about coming out. But, we were glorified secondary characters. Sure, people love the Elves. But we all known Santa is the real deal.

“The Christmas Setup” (Lifetime) – Gotta say, Lifetime wins the Gay Boy Holiday Rom-Com Olympics over Hallmark channel, hands down. Whereas the gay couple were beefed-up B-storylines in “The Christmas House,” they’re the whole shebang (he-bang, you get the idea) in “The Christmas Setup.” Also, if you’re comparing the adored-by-The-Gays scores between Andie MacDowell and Fran Drescher, well, you can practically hear the winner’s cackle already. It helps that real-life husbands Blake Lee and Ben Lewis play the adorable couple – secret high school crushes who reunite as adults – being adorably setup. Heck, even the movie’s “straight” brother is gay in real life. This is a cute and capable holiday rom-com makes great company while wrapping presents.

“I Hate New Year’s” (Tello) – Technically, this is a New Year’s Eve movie and not necessarily a Christmas rom-com. But it still follows the traditional Christmas movie laws and it’s still the holidays. So in the spirit of the season I’m happy to include the latest film from lesbian-owned and operated Tello Films. The production company that gave us “Season of Love” last Christmas is back with a perfectly winsome holiday offering that refreshingly lacks the coming out angst of some of its other (cough, Happiest, cough, Season, cough) lesbian-themed holiday counterparts. The film follows two musicians who are looking to take their friendship to the next level on that most God-I-Need-A-Date of holidays. Will they kiss at midnight? I’ll never tell because that’s the whole fun of watching holiday rom-coms, duh!

So, studios. Let this year lay down the challenge. Each year we want to see even more, better and more inclusive queer holiday rom-coms. For one, they do really (really, really, really fucking really) well for you money/viewership wise. And two, I can already assure you that we will deserve it in the New Year. I mean, we lived through this year, we deserve everything next year.