There’s something about Jessica

So, let’s discuss this picture for a minute. I know it’s been making the rounds for a bit now, but I can no longer ignore it’s inherently gay qualities. In fact, it’s just screaming out for further dissection. So, let’s dissect. Here is Jessica Biel and her tank-top wearing friend on the sidelines of the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field game earlier this month. In front of her, as handily pointed out by TMZ’s big yellow arrow, is Jessica’s boyfriend Justin Timberlake. And behind her, Jessica’s friend appears to be giving her behind a nice, firm squeeze.

OK, gratuitous girl-on-girl ass grab aside, this photo is just brimming with The Gay. The girls’ tank tops? Super gay. Their wide, toned shoulders? Mega gay. Their matching shaggy You’re-Looking-Very-Shane-Today hair? Come on, don’t make me repeat it. And that’s not even touching on their butch belts or her buff forearms. I mean, you don’t even have to have good gaydar to pick that stuff up, just moderately good vision. If I didn’t know better I would have sworn this shot was taken at the Dinah Shore. It’s that gay. Based on all this irrefutable empirical evidence, Jessica Biel is clearly either a straight woman trapped in a gay woman’s body or, well, just plain gay. Also, any chance her mystery friends/girlie groper is the same gal as from this photo taken earlier this summer? The evidence, it mounts.
UPDATE: Thanks to Anonymous #1 (with an assist from Anonymous #6) we get to see the front of our mystery groper. And, as I suspected, it only furthers The Gay. Heavens, it’s almost textbook. Punky hair. Camo shirt. Wrist cuffs. Studded belts. Cargo slacks. Checkered Vans. (Click to enlarge The Gay.)
And for the coup de grace, Jessica is wearing the exact same Vans. Flip to the “How to Become Gay Twins”-chapter in the big “Lesbian Relationship Handbook” and you’ll find this picture under Step 1: Buy the same sneakers and wear them out together.