t.A.T.u. you

Uhm, remember when Mischa Barton had a budding career and a bright future? Yeah, what happened? When I first heard about the new movie “Finding t.A.T.u.,” I was pretty sure it was a joke. A movie about faux lesbian Russian girl group t.A.T.u.? Have we learned nothing from “Spice World?” Yet, per the plot synopsis:

Two teenage girls, Janie who is American and Lana who is Russian, fall in love after meeting at a t.A.T.u concert and are swept into a dangerous world of obsession, drug abuse and murder.

Alas, it’s real and really coming to a theater (or more likely direct-to-a-video store) near you. Making this all weirder, Mischa isn’t playing American Janie. She will be Ruski Lana. So we can look forward to lots of “moose and squirrel!”-level acting. Who then will play the all-American girl? Former “Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Model Search” contestant Shantel VanSanten, whose film credits so far include such illustrious roles as “Hot Date” and “Beautiful Girl.” I am on pins and needles, you? Also, good thing one of them has an accent, otherwise it might get confusing trying to tell them apart.
And just when you thought this whole farce couldn’t get any more farcical, you realize that once-acclaimed director Roland Joffé, known in better days as the director behind the Academy Award-winning film “The Killing Fields,” is helming this insane clown car of a production. Just in case you think I might be exaggerating about the film’s insane clown car/moose and squirrel-qualities, please enjoy (and I say that very loosely) this 4-minute trailer/sneak peek/what-the-hell from “Finding t.A.T.u.” Dramatic exposition via text message? Clear some shelf space for that Oscar, Mischa.