Nigella cooks my brain

I think Nigella Lawson is, what I believe the kids today call, Teh Sex. She cooks. She eats. She licks food off her fingers. She wears really, really tight sweaters. Pretty much, it’s all working for me. Really, really working. So when I heard she had given UK Esquire a racy interview, complete with a snap of her in a tinfoil dress, I had to look [hat tip, FeltHat!].

While the resulting interview, sadly, re-avows her rampant heterosexuality, she gives us just enough naughty bits to keep the daydreams going. And going, and going.

What does she like in a man: “Hairiness. I like an animal. Hairy back, hairy everywhere. I don’t understand why a woman would want to be with a hairless man. If I was going to go for someone smooth, I may as well be a lesbian.”

OK, I’m totally ignoring the hairy back stuff because, uh, gag. But she also said “smooth” and “lesbian” in the same sentence. And she goes on to say this:

“Stockings never fail to make you feel sexy. I like hold-ups, but the problem is if you’ve got too much meat at the top, you get a bulge there. So I often wear those over-the-knee French schoolgirl socks. But I know men like the whole strappy thing of suspenders, so I’ll wear them. In fact, thinking about it, I’ve actually worn them with nothing but a pair of shoes in bed before.”

Hold on, hold on. I’m getting a mental picture. I’m getting a…oh, my. There it is. I’ve just found my happy place. Very, very happy.

But for those who need a visual aid, I present you Teh Sex: Exhibit A (photo tip, ravaj!). I believe I just lost all higher brain function. Yep. Gone. I’ve never felt better about being an idiot.